The waiting is torturous!!!

Online Users: 0 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 15

BrunettaBride2014 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/20/11
The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 21, 2011 4:57 PM

Hi All,

I just joined Brides.com, and was pleasantly surprised to see this particular thread, because I too am waiting on my man for a proposal, and have been waiting for what feels like for-freaking-ever. I don't wish the feelings of sadness, impatience, and envy of others who have what I want on anyone, but I have to say that it's nice to know I am not the only one in this boat. Reading other's stories and advice has helped me, so thank you all for sharing and for giving.

Here's my story, in somewhat of a nutshell: I've been with my BF for almost 7 years. We've lived together for 6 of those years. I love him more than anything, and can't see myself with anyone else, nor do I have the desire to meet anyone else. I know he feels the same way (tells me so all the time), which of course feels awesome. But I've been dying to get engaged for years now, and I only feel worse as time progresses (my younger sister and brother both getting married years before I even get engaged certainly hasn't helped, to be honest). I've managed to stay pretty busy over the years (thank gawd!!!)with work, family, friends, etc. Which has certainly helped, but I am growing more and more excited (I've signed up with a few other wedding websites, which has been sooo much fun- I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I can't help it. I figure I am 30 years old, living with the guy I was always looking for, and so I am allowing myself to dream and to browse even though there is no ring yet).

The thing is, over the years when I have brought up the subject of getting engaged, my BF would have a semi-meltdown. He would explain to me that he is sorry, that he wants to be more "ahead" in his career so that he can support us and provide for us. Which I always understood, but his career is not a good enough reason to me to be holding this show up. There are other reasons (family issues, etc) that he gave for not wanting to get engaged yet, so I would comfort him and tell him that I am not going anywhere, and that when he's ready, we'll move forward. Well two years later (now), I felt like enough was enough. I hadn't brought up the subject because I didn't want to pressure him or make him feel guilty (even though there's no reason for him to feel that way). We both have good, solid jobs, we're making ends meet with a little extra, our cars are paid off, things are going pretty well in the financial department. Not perfect, but better than in the past (I was laid off a couple of years ago, and between seasonal/temp jobs, money was fairly tight and my honey was supporting us with his income, without complaint). I was getting ready to bring up the subject of getting engaged again, when out of the blue one night, HE brought up the subject of marriage, which was absolute music to my ears. He had only ever brought it up a couple of times in the past, but it had been awhile (years!). Anyway, he said that he is so grateful to have me in his life, and that he thinks someday we should take a trip to Vegas and get married. Hearing him say this gave me the best feeling ever, these are words I've waited SOOOO long to hear him say. I had always wanted a traditional ceremony with my friends and family present (or so I thought), but the more I think about it and research it, the more in love I am with the whole idea of Vegas. Realistically, it would take years and years for us to save up for a ceremony (neither of us comes from any money, so it would definitely be on us to pay for the wedding). There are people in both of our families who we wouldn't want to invite, but we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, either. So, eloping to Vegas just the two of us sounds like the best plan, the most stress-free and economical (and let's face it, totally fun!). I suggested that we would have a dinner/reception with our families when we return from Vegas, and he liked that idea. So, feeling like I didn't want to push it and ask for a specific time frame, I left it at that. It felt like enough. For about a day or two. Then, I started thinking "Ok, when? When are we having this fabulous Vegas wedding?" I must find out :). I gathered my courage (I was scared of what his answer might be. Years down the road? Yikes, not what I wanted or was ready to hear) and asked him about his feelings on when we could at least get engaged and start planning. He told me that he wants to pay off our debt (pesky credit cards and student loans!) in the next year, then we will get engaged. He wants to have as less stress at that point as possible, so that we can just bask in the joy, and save until we have enough money for the trip (I predict that it will take us a year to save for the trip, my dress, airfare, etc). I told him I'd like to get engaged on our 8-year anniversary (a year and two months from now), and he said "well then, that will be our goal". He said that we will go ring shopping together around that time, which thrilled me to no end. I'd love nothing more than to pick out my own ring. I am the one who will be wearing it for the rest of my life, afterall.

So, here I am, obsessing over Vegas wedding chapels, dresses, engagement rings (I can't decide on a style or stone for the life of me). I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next 14 months. I just know that time is going to c-r-a-w-l. But I figure I've waited this freaking long, what's another year, right? Even after having had the above conversations, I can't help but feel antsy and even a little sad at times. I just want it to happen the way we're planning it. God forbid one of us loses our job, and our plans are put on the back burner so that we can pay our rent & bills. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I also know that life is so unpredictable. This is just so incredibly important to me, and I want it more than anything.

So ladies, any comments/advice is always welcomed. Advice about what exactly, I am not even quite sure. How to pass the time quickly? :) If no one has anything to say, that's o.k., too. I apologize for the super long post, I should probably just invest in a journal. :) But it helps to write and to share. So thank you for listening/reading. I wish all of you brides and brides in waiting all the happiness in the world. Those of you waiting for your turn, like me: hang in there! I have faith that our patience will pay off, and that our day in the sun will SO happen and be worth all the years of tortorous waiting!

Reply


Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 21, 2011 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

Dear BB,

I am 57 years old and have seen a lot of Life in my time.

This guy doesn't want to marry you. He wants to string you along for as long as possible.

You are 30 years old, and he won't be "ready" to even be ENGAGED for another 14 months??!!??

This is all baloney.

Let's look at it this way: Let's say you manage to pay everything off. All credit cards, student loans, everything. Let's say you get some money ahead so you can take your Las Vegas trip. Let's say you get married.

Great.

Now, two months after you get married, someone gets laid off. Someone gets sick and can't work. The roof leaks and you have a giant bill from the roofer. Your car is wrecked. Whatever.

Due to these unforeseen circs, you are back to pinching pennies. What happens now? Do you call off the marriage? Do you get divorced because the conditions on which he has based the engagement and the marriage are no longer met?

Or, do you stick together and work it out as a team?

If this guy really wanted to marry you, he'd marry you now. Strike that. He would have married you a long time ago. You would be working out all these financial things as a team now.

You are 30 years old and well "old enough" to get married. You want to get married. He doesn't, but will throw you a bone every now and then to keep you around.

You are at an impasse. You need to decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go another decade, or two, waiting on him? Do you like feeling tortured every day? Or do you want to have a life?

PS: I was 22 when I got married and my husband was 27. We were both in graduate school and had very little money. We wanted to get married, we got married and are still married today, parents of two adult sons.

Reply

almostmrsgarner Posts : 7 Registered: 4/19/11
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 22, 2011 10:52 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I'm sad to say that I agree with Aunt..

if we all "waited to be financially set" to do stuff no one would EVER get married or have kids..

to think that your impending marriage is dependant on money is a lame attempt to string you along. All the other excuses on top of that are just a cop out..

i too am waiting for a proposal but its only been a year and when i bring it up he says he wants me to be blown away with a surprise and its all set. I work on not talking about it because i dont want to ruin my own surprise. We aren't always in the best financial position either because of self employment, but if he said that he was waiting on a proposal because of that, i would definitely think twice on how much he truely loved me.

I'm so sorry to say all that because it will more than likely hurt your feelings and instill doubt but you should REALLY stop and look at the whole big picture.. get on with it or move on sweetie.. You're worth more than that and if he doesnt understand that and respect that, someone else will!

Reply

BrunettaBride2014 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/20/11
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 22, 2011 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Dear Aunt & AlmostmrsGarner:

I totally and completely hear where you're coming from, and why you've reached those conclusions about my honey. I've often worried about the same things, believe me. I am choosing (perhaps because I have faith in my man, or because I am in denial and/or am scared--not quite sure which)to believe that he does want to marry me, foolish as that may end up being down the road. I know him SO well, and I know the pain he suffered as a child growing up with parents who fought over finances, etc. I truly believe that he A. is one of those people who just isn't in a rush to get married. and B. wants our future to start out debt free and as stress free as possible. Am I fooling myself? It's possible, but I want to believe more than anything that just because we're in our early 30's, and have been together for almost 7 years, doesn't mean that he doesn't want to marry me. I have asked him straight up front both recently and over the years, whether or not he is 100% certain that I am the one he wants to marry. He always says yes, that he has no doubt, that I am the best person for him. I just have to trust that. I love him enough to trust that, to trust my gut that he is telling me the truth. I've even told him, "Hey, if you don't want to marry me, just say so. I'll move out and move on, no drama", or something to that effect. He always reassures me that I am the one he wants to marry, and that it's not a matter of "if" he wants to marry me, but a matter of "when".

I appreciate your advice, I really do. You both mean well, and I know that. I hope that I am right, and that he will propose in 14 months. If not, then a serious conversation will have to take place, and I am aware that I will have to tell him to basically sh*t or get off the pot, as they say. I've known a couple of other couples who were together for many years (8 and even 13 years!) before they got engaged, for various reasons. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer, it doesn't mean that people don't intend to marry each other just because there are road blocks, or things that they want to have worked out before taking the next step. Everyone has their own time table, reasons for delaying engagement/marriage. I have to say that I am super glad that I didn't marry him in my 20's. I didn't meet him until I was 24, and though it's been a struggle with my wanting to get engaged for so long, I am so glad that we've waited. We've built a strong foundation, we've gotten to know each other extremely well, we've grown both together and as individuals. We wouldn't have been in the best situation before this to get engaged(family stuff that we've been through over the past three or so years, family members who have been ill, have died unexpectedly,etc), or the best and happiest frame of mind. I hope this all makes sense. I know it might seem like I am totally making excuses. I guess the bottom line is that I love him, and am willing to give him 14 more months. We've been through a lot together, and we've worked SO many things out as a team, it's not even funny. I think that based on that, that's the kind of married couple that we will be, no matter what gets thrown at us.

Thank you guys again for your advice. I'll keep you posted!

Reply


Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 22, 2011 5:08 PM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

Dear BB,

The question is how much longer are you willing to wait.

It's all very well and fine that you are patient with his timetable, his past history, his issues.

What about you? What about your timetable, your your past history, your issues?

31 or 32 is still relatively young. Make a promise to yourself that if you are not engaged in those 14 months and/or are not married shortly after you will bail.

I know plenty of couples who go year after year, decade after decade calling themselves "engaged".

It's a bit much. "So, you've been engaged for five years, now? Any wedding plans?" "Oh, we're still not quite ready."

Can you picture yourself at 50 or 60 saying "Ok, are you close to being ready yet?".

Reply

BrunettaBride2014 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/20/11
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 22, 2011 7:10 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Hi Aunt,

Oh no, I most certainly will not be waiting until we're 50 or 60 to take the leap! Heck, I am not even waiting until I am 32!!! He will either live up to his word, or not. I don't think I have the patience to wait around longer than the 14 months, honestly. As much as I love him, I need to live my dream and go for what I want. I know that I am worth it, and I don't want to have any regrets, or feel like I lost myself or gave up what I truly, honest to God wanted so that someone else could be comfortable with the status quo. So, we will see what happens in 14 months. I am hoping SO much that he follows through, because there is no one else that I would rather spend my life with. Sigh.

Thank you again for listening, and for your advice.

Reply

PolarIce Posts : 39 Registered: 12/17/10
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Apr 26, 2011 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Dang you're good Aunt. Always refreshing to read your responses to threads. You have a very honest and fresh and outspoken way to express your responses and love that.

Glad you were able to sit down with him. I have to say that it does sound like a difficult situation to be in. I was in it a few months ago before we got engaged and I was not quite in the same situation as you.

My FH had also prolonged our pre-engagement-so bad that after getting some advice here, I laid it out, just like yourself but I gave him a date. IF by that date we were still not engaged, I would be moving on with my life. I had waited long enough, and and was honestly finished waiting, and I did not want to become one of those girlfriends that had been strung along.

He proposed that week, and we are planning our wedding for next April, little less than a year to go.

I can only imagine your love for him, but you have to true to yourself and he needs to be honest with you.

Reply

LadyEllaDee Posts : 3 Registered: 6/13/11
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Jun 13, 2011 8:35 PM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

I am in a very similar situation as you, but a few years back, and without the Vegas option in mind. (I have classic bride dreams.)

We even have a timeline for a wedding either in 2013 or '14 (probably March).

He's just waiting for a career goal, but we at least have some of the financial details planned/almost-hammered-out. :-)

We even have my rings because they were my Nana's - she hasn't worn them in years for some reason and she wanted me to have them.

My mom even bought my dress and hair accessories and I found a great deal on shoes that I just need to fix up a little. Since I found THE ONE dress-wise, and I'm SO picky, plus with the price being right, we just jumped on it.

But that combined with every young/our-age (~30) couple we know getting married and it being wedding season (all that's on TV is Say Yes to the Dress) I'm wedding-crazed!

I'm going nuts, haha. We both are because this test is nuts, itself.

So no, at least you and I are not alone! Yay.

Reply

abbynieves6270468 Posts : 4 Registered: 12/27/09
Not sure where to post this but here is my delimea. Ring w/o engnangment
Posted: May 24, 2012 12:04 AM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

I'm 29 in a few weeks and on 7/4 I will be with my boyfriend for 6 years. Somedays he says he will proposed one day some days never somedays maybe and somedays says sometimes soon. Hes had an engangment ring for a few years now I found it and secretly tried the ugly thing. Yes I hate it and still want the ugly thing cuz frankly I know he put alot of effort in choosing hes just never good in choosing items for me. To me its not the ring that matters but him and the fact he got one but he won't cough it up. I had some friends reveal he was suppose to ask me a few times but failed to do so...now years ago. Its to the point that I cannot stand being around him when I think about it because I know this is it this is all our relationship will ever be. I don't get it. We share bills, a dog, not a place to live though being religious I will not allow it and I cry all the time over it. I feel like lifes ripped me off. I don't understand why a man would buy a ring and not cough it up. So recently it has turned me into a rageful sadden person around him so I broke up with him officially didn't hang out for a few weeks and we are sort of toghetter but I refuse to make it official. Silly I know but I feel like I should move on since what he is showing me is that hes wasting my time but I do love him and do want to marry him and keep thinking theres that ugly ring maybe I have a inkling of a chance. I don't know what to do. I try not to cry, be sad or angry over this but I cannot help it.

Reply

abbynieves6270468 Posts : 4 Registered: 12/27/09
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: May 24, 2012 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: LadyEllaDee

I tried that not only I didn't get an engangment ring I felt I had to remove the ultimatum because as always with our luck some tragic stuff happened so felt he needed time. Now its way over and Im still not enganged. happy it worked for you though.

Reply

abbynieves6270468 Posts : 4 Registered: 12/27/09
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: May 24, 2012 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

Although not everything but a significant lot you have said in your post reminds me of me only you have 1 year over me but frankly I met by bf at the same age and gone through alot of the same only mine is less consistent with a ring. Go figure. Tis been cosoling reading your post thanks for sharing.

Reply

abbynieves6270468 Posts : 4 Registered: 12/27/09
Re: Not sure where to post this but here is my delimea. Ring w/o engnangment
Posted: May 24, 2012 12:23 AM Go to message in response to: abbynieves6270468

FYI whenever I get mail from a wedding related it ticks me off and if I get a call when hes with me I get so frustated by goodness. Most obnoxious tease ever. Its like congradulations you won free photos whens your wedding and my response is like NEVER hang up. I regret signing up for anything wedding related when not enganged. I did it when my friends told me at some point during a trip he was going to pop the questions and was going to he later confess and I could kinda tell but backed out.

Reply

IFFER Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/12
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: May 25, 2012 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

I'm in a similar boat. I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years (living with him for a little less than 7 years), but he has yet to propose. This is largely because he was out of work (not by choice) for a year. Before he got the job he has now, he told me that he wanted to ask me to marry him after obtaining a job. So, the proposal should be happening soon. Everyone's relationship is different (with different circumstances), so keep cool by remembering that, and take things at your own pace. It sounds like things are good between you two, so keep it that way instead of pushing him away. If the waiting has become really, really torturous for you, hop onto forums and boards like this one:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/when-are-you-getting-engagedim-sick-ot-it

Sometimes it helps to know that you are, of course, not the only one who is hoping for a proposal sooner than later. It's also nice to talk to other women who are in a similar situation. You'll be able to vent without taking anything out on your SO, too ;) It helps me, so I'm hoping it helps you :)

Best of luck,

IFFER

P.S. My boyfriend and I lived in Vegas for 5 years before moving back to our home state of NJ. If you're planning on marrying there and you need to know anything about Vegas, feel free to ask.

Reply

IFFER Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/12
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: May 25, 2012 9:57 AM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

One more thing. Only YOU and your SO know your relationship. Like I said, everyone's relationship is very different. So, don't bother listening to people who say it'll never happen if you and your SO are both on board with a future marriage.

Do what is best for the both of you! It might be taking time because you need to get your finances in order, etc., but who the hell cares about that if you know you want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with him? I think your SO is wise for wanting to have your finances in order before a wedding, especially since they cost so much. There's no rush when it comes to something that will only happen once in a lifetime, especially if you want things to be a certain way.

Again, best of luck...

Jennifer

Reply

Catherine88 Posts : 170 Registered: 7/26/12
Re: The waiting is torturous!!!
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 2:04 AM Go to message in response to: BrunettaBride2014

Promises means everything,but after they are broken,sorry means nothing..He is the man who can just gives your the worthless promises,if a man really wants to give you something,he does not often do the promises to your.This is only the view of mine.Wish you can have your wedding ceremony 14 months later.

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine