Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement

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jellister Posts : 9 Registered: 11/7/10
Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 1:08 PM

Should I really look into this?

A proposal is supposed to be memorable. I get jealous when I hear how my friend's fiance propose to them. I get jealous when I read about romantic or unique proposal. My proposal wasn't like that at all. He didnt put a lot of thought in the proposal. Does he really know me? The question is, should I be angry and upset how on he proposed?

The Proposal:
we both knew we wanted to be with each other, marriage and all... it was the question of when. We've talked about getting married and having kids. One night before we went to sleep, I was talking about marriage and kids in the future with him. Then he said,"Hey you know what, let's get married". I said,"u joking right?" He said, "no, we've always talked about it, let get married." I said, "ok, sure." A week later, we went ring shopping.

Should I had expected a little bit more? I told him how i felt, and he proposed to me for the second time, but he laughed about it. He said," Is this what you wanted? I told you before I will not propose to anyone by going down in one knee. I am not below anyone." We've been engaged for 2 months, and its still bothers me on how he proposed. Should I feel like this? Or should I feel wonderful and happy that the person who I want to marry, proposed to me

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 2:18 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

You're entitled to feel however you feel.
Just for the record, though, I believe that this trend of overblown, "romantic" proposals is totally ridiculous. Brides today need to focus less on the proposal and the wedding, and more on the MARRIAGE.

Today is my 35th wedding anniversary. I honestly DO NOT REMEMBER an actual "proposal moment." We had talked about getting married. I was "waiting." I went away for a weekend--he moped about and missed me terribly. Said something about life not being good without me. Took me out to a really nice dinner. All I know is that on Sunday night we were engaged. We then designed my ring and had it made, so I announced the engagement officially about two weeks later. Oh, yeah, we also got married a couple of weeks after that, and moved from New Jersey to California two days after the wedding!

A bit untraditional, you might say. But, 35 years later, we're still happy and together. How many couples, with all the champagne and roses, can say that?

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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Mrs_Orto Posts : 14 Registered: 7/19/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 2:29 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

I agree with myras...it's the marriage that's important. I didn't have some big outrageous proposal either...but I still cried when he said those 4 words I'd been dying to hear because I was so happy to hear them...and I even knew they were coming, we had been talking about it for weeks! Why should you sit around and mope about it? It's not gonna change anything. If you love this man and you're excited and happy to be marrying him, then be excited and happy! Who cares that you didn't have a fanfare proposal, it's not like it's a necessity for a happy and healthy marriage. While I can understand being a little disappointed that it wasn't a bit more romantic (I'm a hopeless romantic, I understand the desire for it), there's really no reason to dwell on it. As long as you're happy that you're engaged, the process on how you got there really isn't quite so important.

Mrs. Orto
wedding websites

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

Should you really look into this? - No

Life is life and it's not always bells and whistles. And it's bigger than one event. So I absolutely agree with myras.

Also, I read you saying 'Does he know me' - um, do you know him? Is this him? Because personally it sounds like it is.

And if you're unhappy with that and 'him' now, it's not going to get better.

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MrsSy Posts : 504 Registered: 7/6/08
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Miras, happy 35th yr anniversary!

Proud Member of the P.O.O.P.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

My husband got me upset the day he proposed. About a week before New Years Eve he said, "let's go look at rings". So we did. He was getting frustrated with me because we weren't finding anything. I went out on my own and found a ring I had fallen in love with. When I told him about it he wasn't too thrilled. On New Year's Eve at 1 we went to the mall to look at the ring. He was so-so on the ring. I was a bit disappointed.

Needless to say, we found one that we both liked. In the jewelry store he asked the vendors if they could give us a minute. He asked me. He didn't bend down on one knee. It was memorable to me.

It was special to me because it just happened right there in the moment.

My bff's husband proposed to her the same way your fh proposed to you.

One of my male co-workers recently got engaged and it took him over a month to find the right opportunity. I'm not that way. I like to live in the moment.

I agree with Myra, proposals are too romanticized sometimes.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 12:56 AM Go to message in response to: jellister

Dear Jell,

Should you look into this?

Only if it is part of a pattern. Does he disappoint you on your birthday or other holidays? Does refuse to see your family or other people important to you? Does he mope around when you have to go to a work-related party?

If he otherwise is kind and considerate, then forget about the proposal.

If he typically ignores your needs, then reconsider the whole relationship.

***

I agree with Myra. The "big showy" proposal is a fad now. When I got married, no one did that. We just talked more and more about getting married, then one day set a date and bought a ring. There was no Moment when he proposed. We just moved, organically, from friends to a dating couple to living together to getting married.

And I've been married 34 years!

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 11:16 AM Go to message in response to: jellister

Actually I think your proposal was very sweet!

My hubby proposed to me the night before Easter, we were hanging around in our sweats (none the less), he gave me my Easter present, and I was shocked to find that he got me the e-ring setting that I fell in love with (we used the diamond from my grandmothers wedding ring). He asked me right there on the couch....then silly me asked him to get on one knee and he did.

I always knew that hubby was VERY VERY unromantic and knew in the back of my mind the proposal wasn't going to be very creative.

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theheartbandits Posts : 1 Registered: 11/24/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

I sent you a PM :)

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 26, 2010 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

"Is this what you wanted? I told you before I will not propose to anyone by going down in one knee. I am not below anyone."

I got spooked a little because that sounds like something ripped right out of my SO's mouth. Hahaha. Personally, I find that very clever and charming. But, obviously you weren't too amused.

I agree with AOTB and Myra. This flashy, memorable proposal thing has been really perpetuated by the film industry in particular. Every girl wants her life to be just like that love story. Or so we're taught to think. If it were me, I would have loved that proposal, had it come from my SO, of course. We're private people, and frankly, I'm a crier, so I wouldn't want many people to witness the moment anyway. *:P

I think you should listen to AOTB. If this was a one time fluke in his behavior, let it go. If this is a consistent lack of consideration, reconsider the whole relationship.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 26, 2010 10:05 PM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I think you should listen to AOTB. If this was a one time fluke in his behavior, let it go. If this is a consistent lack of consideration, reconsider the whole relationship.

But I also still question how much does she know him? Is this HIM - if so then it sounds like she's ALWAYS going to be disappointed and it's not necessarily a lack of consideration - it's a total different personality.

Ironically enough I'm the 'non-romantic' one in my relationship, but my DH is OK with that. He knows it's not because I don't love him, I just don't make as big a deal over big things as I appreciate and try to do little things ALL OF THE TIME, not just grandiose gestures on 'big' occasions.

That gets old quick if everyday consideration is not in the mix.

So I still wonder how well she knows him.

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Nov 27, 2010 5:03 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

You make a really good point, Pharm. It could be that this is just the way he behaves. My SO is very much the same way. It took a lot of getting used to, but I am very comfortable with it now. I am a hopeless romantic but he just isn't, and I am okay with it. *:P

I stand by what I said, though, even if I may have said it wrong. If this is behavior she simply can't handle from her FH, she needs to end the relationship. This isn't something that she can "fix" by nagging at him repeatedly that he needs to be more romantic. This is a grown man's personality, we're talking about here. It may not be wrong, but it looks like it doesn't fit with OP's expectations for a life partner. It's better to re-evaluate now and either come to terms with his "unromantic" side, or save herself (and her FH) a lot of grief, rather than wind up in an unhappy marriage.

ETA: I actually consulted my SO on this one, after re-reading some of the posts, and he said "Well, most guys know that unless a girl has mentioned specifically that she doesn't want a fancy proposal, or the guy just knows it isn't her style, he should just indulge her and give her that proposal, if it means that much to her.... But if a girl ever tried to make me propose again because I didn't 'do it right', I'd take that ring and tell her to take a hike."

Edited by: VšnTillBruden on Nov 27, 2010 5:12 AM

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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Kylie29 Posts : 4 Registered: 11/8/10
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Jan 17, 2011 3:38 AM Go to message in response to: jellister

Ask yourself if you're upset because you really needed a big romantic grand gesture to accompany his proposal, or if it's because you think it doesn't compare to what your friends had?

Not to take away from your frustrations, but I actually thought your story was kinda cute! Snuggled in bed, falling asleep, pillow talk - it's very intimate and it shows how comfortable he is with you.

From experience, I had the grand gesture, but to me the most important gesture was the commitment, he proposed! And if I'm really honest with myself, I really don't care about how my friends got engaged or what their fiance/husband said when he did it. I squealed for them when I heard they were engaged and did the obligatory listening to their story (trying hard not to zone out) but really sometimes I think women just want big stories to tell other women. So if it really means something to you to have a romantic gesture, I'm sorry you're disappointed...but on the other hand, you're engaged! Be happy and look forward not behind you.

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MishaBiscuit Posts : 1 Registered: 1/14/11
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Jan 17, 2011 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

My story is similar, we had discussed marriage for the past year or two. Well one day we went to a local jewelry store just to look. After trying on at least 20 rings I tried a setting, and once the sales lady put the center stone in all I could say was " it's so beautiful ". My fiance looked at me and said " that's the one ". And that was that, I don't need anything more romantic than that story, because it suits our style to a T - comfortable, spontaneous, and sincere. That was 2 weeks ago, and I am still on cloud nine. Maybe there are other reasons this doesn't feel right to you, because as others have said already, the proposal doesn't matter as much as your love for each other. Good luck and congratulations!

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LSChic Posts : 2 Registered: 2/1/11
Re: Dissapointing Proposal / Engagement
Posted: Feb 1, 2011 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: jellister

I agree with what most of the posters here have said. Even before I met my SO, I always said that my only hope for my wedding was that I wouldn't mind walking down the aisle in a tie-dye dress if it meant I was getting married to the man of my dreams.

Now, of course that doesn't mean I'm going to get married in a tie-dye dress. It just means that the details of the wedding (where it happens, who's there, what mishaps occur) aren't really important to me if it means I'm marrying my second half.

I'm getting engaged on Valentine's Day this year. My SO told me this because he knows how much I hate surprises and he wanted me to be "on notice". (Heehee, he's so cute!) I don't care how he proposes, when/where it happens, or whether he has a ring or not, as long as it means I can spend the rest of my life with the most wonderful man in the world, I'll be head over heels.

OP, IMHO every girl should feel this way. I think you should consider that maybe the reason you're focusing on the proposal is because you're not focused on him and on your future together. If you truly love him, GET EXCITED for the life that you have ahead of you. The proposal doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Also, as a side note, I think that your proposal was absolutely adorable. It was intimate, sweet, and honest.

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