Stressed out and Second Thoughts!

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WildcatFan Posts : 1 Registered: 10/10/10
Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Oct 10, 2010 5:19 PM

I'm getting married in June to a guy that I have been dating for almost 3 years. We've been engaged since last March. He is sweet and loves me more than anything, but I'm not feeling excited to get married! I've had issues with his ex girlfriend being around (she's really good friends with his mom) which has affected my relationship with his family. His family is a loud, large Jewish family that is really involved in each others lives. I come from a small, Christian family that isn't extremely close with extended family. His mom tries so hard to be my "friend", but this is just awkward for me. When he proposed, I was scared and excited. I wasn't ready for the question yet, I am just 21 years old! But we had talked about it before, I just always envisioned it being farther down the line. I said yes and went on with everything, but I'm not sure I'm ready to get married. I hoped that maybe I'd get excited as it got closer, but I haven't gotten that way. I love him a lot, but I feel like I'm so young I may be missing out on other life experiences. I'm scared that if I communicate this with him we'll break up. This is my first serious relationship and he's dated a lot more than I have. I don't know what to do. Any concrete advice you have would be greatly appreciated!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Oct 10, 2010 5:27 PM Go to message in response to: WildcatFan

Dear WDF,

"Any concrete advice you have would be greatly appreciated!"

Slow Down.

You are only 21, you are in your first serious relationship, you are unsure about this step and are stressed out.

It is time to put all plans on ice and live your life for a while without worries about his family and wedding plans.

So, what are the possible consequences?

1. You wait a few years, then decide later to get married to this guy. You have some more "life" experience behind you, you still love him, he still loves you and you are ready.

2. He breaks up with you and goes looking for a woman who wants to get married right away. So? So, you've dodged a bullet. You did not marry someone who pressures you into doing things you are not sure about doing.

Slow Down. Wait. Grow up a little bit more.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: WildcatFan

So, you were 18 when you started dating your FH, and you have no further experience with anyone else. That's not really a situation where you're making a mature decision, is it.

If you do decide to go ahead with your plans, you are marrying when you have doubts and marrying a man with whom you do not have a great deal in common (religion, dating experience, family life, etc.) You are afraid, nervous, not excited, etc. DON'T DO IT! You should not feel like this as you get ready to commit the rest of your life to another person.

So, what's the alternative? You can tell your FH of your feelings and hope that he'll wait it out. But, it sounds to me like this won't solve the problem, since the basic issues will not change with time. If you stay with him, you'll still have no experience in dating other people, his family will still be outside of your comfort zone, you'll still be of different religions (unless one of you decides to convert), and so on.

You're very young. I'd suggest that you risk being apart, at least for a while. Find out what's out there. Date other people. As my mother always said (she was right, damn it!) "If it's meant to be, it will be." Either he'll be there for you a few years down the line--or, he won't, and you'll find Mr. Right.

But, NEVER walk down the aisle with the kind of doubts that you're feeling.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Oct 12, 2010 10:25 PM Go to message in response to: WildcatFan

Hey girl!

The first time I got married....I wanted to pull the plug on it, but was not brave enough to do so. I had doubts--much stronger than 'cold feet' or 'wedding nerves'. Serious doubts. But I pushed them all down with the belief that it would get better after the wedding. I worried and fretted, but pushed past it and ignored my own feelings of doubt.

It was not the case. My first marriage lasted 15 months. And the reason it lasted that long? Because that's how long it took me to recognize that my mistake was not going to get better. I just entered my second marriage a little over a year ago...and the difference in the relationship is night and day. My regret? I'm on my 2nd marriage (and my DH is on his 1st) because I did not have the courage to acknowledge my doubt.

You have doubts. You're also really young, and you've been dating your FH your entire adult life.

Yes, it is great that you have a long engagement. And yes, you're worried you're going to lose him. All valid concerns.

Wanna hear something fun? When I was sixteen, I was engaged to a really wonderful guy. We ended up breaking up before we graduated from high school, but we were dating/engaged for three years before that relationship ended. Guess who I just married. :) of course, we have grown a LOT since that time, and I don't think our relationship would have been strong enough for marriage when we were that young. But now, it is stronger than it ever was before.

If you're meant to be, it will work. But you do need to know--and you should explore BEFORE you get married.

Misty

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MizJodi Posts : 65 Registered: 3/8/07
Re: Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: WildcatFan

As PPs say, slow down! I also got married for the first time at 21, I'd been with him since 19. I KNEW it was a bad idea to marry him, even the day of the wedding! But I, like Cat, shoved the feelings away, not having the courage to walk away.

That horrid marriage lasted 4 years, only because I was raised to believe marriage is forever. I finally had the courage to walk away; it was one of the hardest, yet best things I ever did. I lost a LOT in that experience, both material and many other ways.

The point I'm trying to make, if you're feeling doubts, you need to at least take time and space to really make the right decision. Right now, marriage is not the right choice for you.

Take that leap. You know it's right.

HTH!

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Kissten Posts : 2 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: Stressed out and Second Thoughts!
Posted: Dec 11, 2010 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: WildcatFan

I've never responded to a post here although I read regularly, but I felt that I needed to respond to this one. It sounds like you have some serious differences and you need to search deep in your heart and really consider what you want and need. If your man doesn't respect your need to move at a slower pace then what makes you think he will respect your other needs down the road? The best advice I can give you is to seriously consider what you want and need for your relationship to work. And then you need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about it. If he isn't willing to work something out with you, that says to me anyway that you would probably be better off without him. Being pressured into getting married early is not a healthy way to start off a relationship, whether you're 18 or 35.

Just a little background on where I'm coming from. I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend since we were 17. He proposed to me when I was 19. I had known in my heart that I absolutely wanted to spend the rest of my life with him for awhile at that point, but I told him that it would be several years before I was ready to get married. He agreed and said he didn't want to get married for a long time either. Together we decided not really be engaged and that he would propose again closer to the time we actually envisioned ourselves getting married. I know that this is somewhat different than your situation since we both agree on when we want to get married, but I thought it might help to know that not wanting to get married immediately won't necessarily make your boyfriend give up entirely.

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