Living Together Before Marriage

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BalletBabe Posts : 2 Registered: 2/18/09
Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 25, 2010 2:10 PM

So I guess this is going down the same road as the "young brides" posts I've been seeing around here. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I'm in the middle of earning my bachelor's and his I.T. internship has turned into a 40-hour per week job. We comfortably have conversations about getting married but until recently, we really thought we were too young to be even thinking about it. A couple weeks ago, a friend informed us that his parents are renting out the lower level of their flat for $350/month with utilities included in Elmwood Park (a pretty nice satellite suburb of Chicago). I go to school in Chicago and currently commute from a far western suburb and my boyfriend lives a few miles from me and commutes to a suburb about 20 minutes away from Chicago for work. Taking this apartment may save us a lot of time and money in the long run. It's a great price for what we're getting in a perfect location.

So, here is where I'm hesitant. I'm kind of uneasy about us moving in together without being engaged or married. On the other hand, a part of me says it doesn't matter. I'm totally torn on this issue and I have no support from my family (I come from a strict Catholic family - absolutely no living together before marriage!!! haha). So I was just wondering what all of you have to say about it, young brides especially, haha.

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Starqueg Posts : 17 Registered: 10/30/09
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 25, 2010 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

I don't know how young you are, but my boyfriend and I are in our 20s (I'm 27 and he's 23) and living together. His parents have an apartment in their basement that was being rented by someone else. When my boyfriend finished undergrad he was planning to move back into his old room and I was going to find a cheap apartment in his neighborhood. A few weeks before the semester ended his mother called him and asked how my apartment search was going, and then if we had considered getting a place together. She then offered to end the lease (it was a month-by-month) with the current tenant and let us move in there! Amazingly enough, a few days later the tenant told her that he would be moving out. We now live in the basement of his parents house, in a small one bedroom unit.

We're not engaged yet, although I think the ring is hidden in the apartment right now. I'm glad that we've learned that we can live together happily. I would hate to get married and move into a new place with him for the first time and find out that we don't like living together. That said, we are looking forward to finishing school and being able to afford a bigger place. We both had larger apartments when we were in undergrad, and have a lot more stuff than comfortably fits here.

I say live together, but only if it won't cause a rift in your family. I don't want you to end up fighting with your parents about this, or having them angry at either of you for this decision.

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BalletBabe Posts : 2 Registered: 2/18/09
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 25, 2010 2:55 PM Go to message in response to: Starqueg

Well, we're both 19 right now. I feel way more mature than our friends who are the same age as us but at the same time, we're only 19. We have all the time in the world. I could argue with myself all day long, lol.

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 25, 2010 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

Typically I am in the "It's ok to live together before marriage" camp. In the age we live in, I find it helpful to have that experience of waking up together, having day-to-day routines together, figure out chores and what not together, etc. I don't believe it should be used as a "test" for marriage, however. I just believe that couples should be as prepared as possible for a life together.

HOWEVER... in your case, being as how you are so young, I'd tread carefully. People can change ALOT throughout their 20's. I know this, because I am not at all the same person I was 10 years ago at 19.

I am not trying to tell you to not move in together. Just think it through carefully. The fact that your family doesn't support the idea will make it even more difficult on you two as a couple.

Good luck!

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 25, 2010 4:50 PM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

a few things you might want to consider when making your decision...

1. if you get married in the Catholic church most priests demand that you not be living together before they will marry you. So you would either have to move out or lie to the priest and give separate addresses. Not sure how you feel about that. Depending on how devout your parents are to the church, they may not go along with the lie.

2. No matter if you have an old soul or not, 19 is really young and there is more of a chance this wont be the person you end up marrying that he will be. Breaking up when you live together is REALLY tramatic. It's a small taste of divorce (and believe me it's only a small taste divorce is a lot worse) However, it's devastating, even more so when you live together because everything in your life changes. Either you are the one moving out and you have to find a new place and uproot yourself or one day you come home and all of the person's whom you loved stuff is gone and the whole place reminds you of him. I speak from experience. Also, you will probably have your finances at least somewhat intermingled. Not a good idea at 19 when you are trying to build credit.

3. Do your parents feel so strongly that if you are living together they will not help pay for the wedding?

Good luck in your decision. Be well.

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris


Edited by: jojolina on May 25, 2010 4:50 PM

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FMrsH Posts : 3 Registered: 1/14/10
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 26, 2010 12:16 AM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

I'm 25 and my Fiance just turned 26 (today actually!). We've been living together almost 2 years now and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think that it is good knowing that we can live together, see each other everyday, and not get on each others nerves. :) I do have to say though that we were dating for 4 years before we moved in together and already knew that an engagement/marriage was in our future-but we were waiting to finish school, and solidify our finances. I definitely wouldn't recommend moving in too soon in a relationship, but if you think it's right for you and your relationship, then I say go for it.
"All that I'm after is a lifetime of laughter; as long as I'm laughing with you"

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 26, 2010 7:16 AM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

In general, I believe that living together before marriage is a good idea for most couples. HOWEVER, I also firmly believe that both parties should take the time to live independently as adults, apart from one another. That is something everyone should experience - and take their time experiencing. By living independently (and by independently, I mean ALONE, preferably starting out in a new city far away from your support system), you will learn important lessons about yourselves that will eventually make your relationship and your future marriage stronger. Look at it as an investment in your future.

So in your case, I would advise against it. Look, I don't mean to offend you, but you guys are 19. You may be very mature for your age, but for all intents and purposes, you've only been legal adults for a year - and though you may be legally adults, you're not grown-ups yet - you're college kids, and young college kids at that. Why the rush? As someone who was in a rush to grow up for another reason, please listen to me: I wish I had taken my time and enjoyed being in that stage of my life instead of rushing into the next ones. Life moves quickly enough without you helping it along. Enjoy these years of being a college kid. You'll have plenty of time to live together and be married in a few more years.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 26, 2010 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

When I got out of school, hubs (then my boyfriend) and I considered moving in together. We had not discussed marriage, although we'd been together for 2 years. Essentially, my apartment lease was up and I wasn't able to stay there so I was going to have to move anyway -- why not move in together?

We didn't. Essentially, both of our families thought it was a bad idea, at least not without firm plans for marriage. Now, I'm not even from a traditional family, so I was taken aback, but in retrospect, boy am I glad we did. We lived apart for another four years before moving in together after we got engaged. That time was a lot of fun -- it was nice having eachother and then going back to our seperate places. Also, when we did move in together, it was definitively because we genuinely wanted to live together, and not just because it seemed convenient. I'm glad my parents said something when they did.

My basic advice is, if you have any qualms whatsoever, then don't. Do it when you know you want to be with him, forever, but not before. Don't do it out of convenience or to save money -- that's not enough. Living together can put a stress on a relationship, and when you're in that in-between phase, not knowing when you will get married, that's going to just put more on it. Enjoy your time apart, and move in when you have no doubts at all.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 27, 2010 8:43 AM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

This issue of living together before marriage varies from person to person. I personally think it's a great idea because you get to experience what it's like to live with this person before you take the plunge down the aisle. You need to do what is best for you and your fh. I know religion plays a huge part but if you don't care about the silly rules of religion then who cares and just move in together. Your parents may be angry at first but oh well, they will get over it. Just do what you think it's best.

 

                           
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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 27, 2010 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

just sayin' Balletbabe, I for one don't believe that God's direction for my life is a bunch of "silly rules". Now, I may not always follow them, but that is my weakness, not the result of "silly rules". I would imagine that many people of whatever faith they subscribe would feel the same way.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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futurenurse13 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/18/10
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 27, 2010 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: jojolina

this is in response to jojolina's previous post regarding Catholic priests not marrying couples who live together before marriage. My boyfriend and I will have been together for 3 years on july 25th. We plan on getting engaged next fall, but plan on getting our own place this august or september. Here's the catch: we have a son who will be 2 on august 1st, so we have already broken that so-called "rule" of the Catholic religion, and we are both Catholic and our son was baptized into the Catholic church. Our priest knows us, as we live in a small town. Therefore, I see no reason why he should not marry us just because we have been living together as a FAMILY and our own son has even been baptized into the church even though he is a product of "mortal sin". I have heard from many women in their 40's and 50's who had sex together before they got married and some of them weren't even living together and they were still married in the church. So I really don't see what the big fuss is about. As far as I'm concerned, the Church makes their own rules and then tries to find examples in the Bible to back up those rules, when they should really be solely looking at the Bible and then making "rules".

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 27, 2010 6:37 PM Go to message in response to: futurenurse13

Hi!! In all circumstances you should listen to your gut. And the fact that you feel uneasy about this says volumes. Moving in together is not something that should be taken lightly. DH and I moved into together after A LOT of consideration and talking. We were engaged at the time so I felt much better about it and so did he. We learned about and I truly believe it was a great choice for us.

But that's not the point. You should only move in together for the right reasons. You both want to, you're both completely comfortable with the decision, and you're moving toward a deeper level of your relationship. Like PP's have said, a problem or break up is MUCH worse if you're living together than if you have your own place.

In know in this day in age saving any amount of money is the best thing you can do. But moving in together JUST to save money is not a good idea. Like PP's said, you are young, enjoy it! You have plenty of time to move in together and such. Enjoy setting up your own place, growing within yourselves. You learn SO much at this time in your life. I lived on my own for 5 years and learned so much about myself and learned to rely on myself. So now I don't feel so dependant on my DH or others, I know I can do things for myself.

But, just listen to your gut. If it feels wrong or out of sorts, don't do it. If you and your BF are 100% on board for the right reasons, then do it. But keep the lines of communication open about this. Be honest about your feelings and don't let others persuade you in their direction. This is your life and you are the one who gets to live it. Best wishes!
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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 27, 2010 10:07 PM Go to message in response to: futurenurse13

the catholic church doesn't veiw fornication as a mortal sin, fyi. by the way, we are all sinners.

i think if you have a child the priest would probably view it differently and just be happy to marry you.

I always find it interesting when ppl want to marry in a certain church/religion, but really don't follow that religion. never did understand that.


 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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RissieA Posts : 1 Registered: 5/28/10
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 28, 2010 5:00 PM Go to message in response to: BalletBabe

Im 20 years old and I will be 21 later this year. My boyfriend and I started living together about a yr and a half ago. Now im not sure about other people and what their experiences are but im going to give you mine. Everything has been totally GREAT! He stepped in and helped me with everything. It can take a lot of stress off of you when it comes to paying bills and things like that. So if you really get along together and it wont bug you to be around each other pretty much all the time then go for it. Just be sure that you both dont mind giving up some of the privacy that you have now. But hey, if you love each other dearly then it will work out. I pray that everything will work out for you and congrats on finding someone you love and loves you back!!!

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bkurtz Posts : 11 Registered: 5/27/10
Re: Living Together Before Marriage
Posted: May 28, 2010 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: jojolina

I know for a fact that some churches in my area will not marry you if you have a child or if you live together. However I think it depends on the priest. The church rules may say that they cannot marry someone with a child or living together but if you speak with the priest and explain your situation they may be willing to "break" the rules.

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