Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

MrsD, I was saying he should sell the ring because when an engagement is broken, then the ring generally goes back to whoever paid for it (i'm assuming it's the son...unless it is a family heirloom). If the girl still has the ring, than by all means, she should sell it and give the money to her parents.



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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement
Posted: Apr 19, 2010 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I agree that it's up to the guy's parents as to whether or not to get involved financially, but I don't think the former-FH has a moral or legal pass on this one.

From what the OP has said, the engagement was broken off as a direct result of former-FH's cheating. Former-FH has acknowledged this. So, in small claims court it would be argued, "but for the actions of person X, Y would not have occurred. Therefore person X is responsible for Y". Therefore, former-FH would likely be found responsible for the loss of funds incurred by the bridesmaids, former-FW, and former-FILS.

And besides the legal responsibility, I think the moral responsibility alone should be enough to make him pay them back.



~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: Agape14

If you really feel that you need to pay them back, then I think AOTB gave some great advice.

Personally, I would stay out of it. This is between your son, his ex, and her parents. If it were my adult son, I wouldn't consider this to be my responsibility. And if I was the adult son, I wouldn't want you involved.

It would be one thing if your son was a minor, but he's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I know you love him and want what's best for him, but the best lesson you could teach him (IMO) is to learn to live with the consequences of his actions and figure out how to solve his own problems. The best thing my parents ever did for me was stop helping me.

So he's a PhD candidate - good for him. I have a PhD as well, and fully supported myself while getting it. If he's done with college and getting his PhD, he's probably at least in his mid-20s. It's time to cut the cord and let him figure out his own way out of this mess. If you help him, you'll just hold him back. Sure, he might need to get a job while he's in school, take classes part-time, or put it off completely for a few years - but he'll come out of it a better man, having worked independentally to find a solution to his own problem. That's what getting a PhD is all about, and it would be contrary to the point of the whole thing to hold his hand.

Believe me, I understand why you want to help. You want what's best for your son, and that's admirable. But please consider what he'll learn from paying off this debt himself, versus what he'll get if you rescue him. He's a grown-up and should be treated as one, especially if he's old enough to be doing such grown-up things like getting married or getting a doctorate. Let him work this out himself. He'll get much more out of that experience than he will by sitting in a classroom or writing a dissertation.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

". If it were my adult son, I wouldn't consider this to be my responsibility. "

True. My post was aimed at the question of "Do I front the money to my son so the bride's parents can be made whole sooner, rather than later?".

If the son is trustworthy and if he's willing to sign a promissory note for a loan from his parents, then great.

If the son is not trustworthy, then the parents need to have a long discussion about how he can come up with the money, himself, and avoid the expensive and draining process of a civil lawsuit.

I don't think I made it clear that I don't think the parents should just pay Sonny's share of the expenses and let him off the hook. The debt is his debt, and he should pay it himself.


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Proper etiquette for Broken Engagement
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

As for whether he has a pass morally, again, it's their business and no one knows for sure what exactly happened -- she picked him for a reason, and she should consider it lesson learned (and keep the ring).

As for legally, that's even more the reason his parents need to stay out of it. First of all, what they say/do could be used against them or their son legally later, if there's even the possibility of a legal claim (which I doubt there is). There are very few breach of promise to marry claims out there that remain on state's books anyways, and the claim would more likely exist between the bride and groom, not between her parents and the groom. Even if they'd gotten married, her parents would have been out of the money -- so, what, exactly, did they lose? Furthermore, wouldn't the money be considered a gift?

By insisting in anyway that her parents should get some kind of relief, his parents are sticking their nose in somewhere that it doesn't belong, which is arguably what her parents did in the first place by giving away money at all.

As for morally -- too late to give him morals. If he has them, he'll figure it out himself, as an individual, how to handle it. He's a man -- too late for either party to try to instill them in him now. If his parents don't approve, they can show that through any financial relief they now provide -- school assitance, perhaps? -- but other than that, that ship has sailed.


"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson


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