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SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 8, 2010 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...; You know, I never really did until hubs brought it up as a possibility, and I thought -- that would explain a lot. He comes off as sexually-repressed, big-time, and his ethnic bacground is such that 1) homosexuality would definitely be frowned upon and 2) there is a lot of pressure to be married, early. My personal hypothesis -- and I say this not knowing them incredibly well and realizing that no one really knows what's going on in a relationship except the two people involved -- is that they want to "be married" more than they want to "marry eachother". Top that off with the fact that culturally, they were supposed to be married in their early 20s, and they are now in their early 30s.

I agree also with a lot of what AOTB said. In my experience, these sort of long, drawn out engagements are often the result when people love the idea of getting married more than the reality of actual marriage. And there's often a difference in the health of the relationship between two people who have been together 6 years, engaged for one, and a couple that's been together six years, engaged for five, y'know?
__________________________________________
"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 8, 2010 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani; Dear MsD,

" -- is that they want to "be married" more than they want to "marry eachother". "

That is part of it. I think that for some, a Perpetual Engagement is a compromise. One wants to get married, the other does not. So they meet halfway: engagement.

They can be an "official" couple, invited to social events together, but not a "legal" piece-of-official-paper couple. As I mentioned above, for some they feel better about sex in a so-called engagement than in just a bf/gf relationship.

That's fine. I don't need to involve myself in other people's business. It becomes my business when I need to define who is a couple, for whatever legitimate reason.

What might that legitimate reason be? Read all those posts about the No Ring No Bring rule, and how to draw the line when planning a reception on a tight budget.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 8, 2010 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...; Dear PPB,

" I'll be quoting you for sure in my paper. hope you don't mind."

No, I don't mind. Please, go ahead.

I think you might want to consider, for your paper, the historic reason behind marriage. No one had any reason to get married UNTIL humans figured out that babies had fathers as well as mothers. Before that giant revelation, all the men in the community hunted buffalo for all the women and children, who shared equally.

Once a guy got the idea that one particular kid was HIS kid, he started hunting buffalo for that one particular kid, making sure that his kid was well-fed. How to know that kid is his? Sexual fidelity from the mother around the time of conception.

Thus: marriage.

"I promise to take care of you and all your children if you promise to bear only my children."
"I promise to bear only your children (ie have sex only with you) if you promise to take care of me and all my/our children."

These two promises said in front of witnesses, ideally the entire community, so no one can say, later, "I was only kidding.".

That's the essence.

We've piled on a lot of other stuff on top of the basic need for a man to know which children are his, the basic need for a woman to be taken care of while pregnant and nursing infants and the basic need for children to be supported physically and spirtually by their parents. White dresses, toasting flutes, bouquet toss, etc., are all fluff.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 18, 2010 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride; SORRY BUT I REALLY HATE THIS SITE

Edited by: KISSMYA on Apr 18, 2010 11:07 AM

OK< now I'm definitely laughing!! wow, taking all the previous posts away and throwing a tantrum, how unique. here we go again. (poster whose on again off again BF is going to be in the nfl draft)
Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

march_2007

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chicochik Posts : 236 Registered: 10/16/08

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 19, 2010 12:35 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33; Yup, another called off and back on.

It was called off for some financial issues that had been worked on and resolved. Some other factors contributed. However, as I did some maturing. I realized I need to make myself happy, not live up to others expectations and my fiance is what truly makes me happy. My fiance and I know that we made the right choice to put it on hold. We had planned to put it on hold for a bit longer, but life changed and now I have an opportunity to finish school via night classes while maintaining a permanent job. (woohoo money) We also did some soul searching and realized that having a "fancy" wedding or even a "traditional" wedding was not what meant the most to us. We scaled down alot of our plans and now can afford a simple wedding on our own, which means the world to us both.

When we called it off, we broke up for a few weeks because it was a very painful thing to do and had some not so pleasent effects on our relationship. Although we both knew it was right, it still hurt alot. So after a few weeks, we got back together and moved on with life as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a far more simple existence and really allowed us to focus on other things in our lives rather than saving money for the wedding. I did take my ring off and we went back to calling each other bf/gf and we had to tell everyone about it which was quite embarrassing at times. But we knew it was the right thing and that got us through.

About a year and half after our engagement, we became engaged again. We had a talk in the kitchen while doing dishes and I put my ring back on. Nothing romantic. The first time I was very concerned with being romantic and dreamy and perfect. Now I feel I have become more concerned with the actual marriage rather than the wedding. Life is good.

Of course, there was a lot more to this than a couple of paragraphs could ever explain. If you have any further questions, just ask.

canada

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 30, 2010 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride; auntofthebride wrote:,
They can be an "official" couple, invited to social events together, but not a "legal" piece-of-official-paper couple. As I mentioned above, for some they feel better about sex in a so-called engagement than in just a bf/gf relationship.

That's fine. I don't need to involve myself in other people's business. It becomes my business when I need to define who is a couple, for whatever legitimate reason.

Those are the people I have a problem with, big time! I know a couple who have been 'engaged' much much longer than they were dating. They threw a big engagement party a few months after the 'engagement' and since then (2+ years now), there has been no wedding date set. In fact, the woman in the couple has expressed out loud, in front of family and friends, that she doesn't actually want to get married. And yet, they continue to refer to each other (all the frigging time) as "fiance". It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode, very annoying.

But because they're "engaged", they're supposed to be invited to events as a couple and it drives me crazy because I don't consider it legit. Similarly, I feel that the people who are waiting till some distant goal is completed (graduation etc) to get married are also 'cheating the system', so to speak. If you're not ready to get married, don't get engaged. If you know you won't be getting married for the next 4 years because you're just starting your degree, don't get engaged until you're almost finished your degree. Otherwise, being engaged and not planning a wedding just seems like a way to get all the social benefits without having to make any steps towards marriage.

**Vent over**

Back to the original question, we broke up earlier in our relationship, but not since getting engaged and the engagement has never been called off or threatened to be called off. In fact, I told FH that if he ever threatened that "in the heat of the moment" or ever asked for the ring back solely in anger, to be prepared for me to follow through immediately and for the relationship to be over. IMO, threatening something hurtful is not an acceptable way for an adult to communicate anger or frustration. And while it may not 100% be a predictor of marital disaster, I think people who fight dirty like that clearly don't have good communication skills, and that is a huge red flag for future problems. It's fine to have disagreements, but if your way of solving them is to hurt your partner (verbally, emotionally) then "work it out later", I think it's a recipe for disaster.

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

engagement

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Was your engagement ever called off then back on again??: Posted: Apr 30, 2010 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14; Dear Agape,

" They threw a big engagement party a few months after the 'engagement' and since then (2+ years now), there has been no wedding date set."

I've see this kind of thing go on for decades.

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smthwu123 Posts : 1,415 Registered: 9/13/12

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Kimberly212 Posts : 2,211 Registered: 9/12/12

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