My engagement to Eric has never been called off. Believe me, there have been more than a few times when I was so mad/hurt/upset that I thought about calling it off. But it never got beyond the thinking stage. The reason? I kept telling myself, "You love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him, so work it out."

I'm not saying it's always that simple... but that's just my side of it.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Yep.

We did call off our previous engagement but we haven't resurrected--but we have stayed together. We have never broken up.

We are still young and a year ago we were even younger (especially emotionally, mentally, fiscally, etc.) We didn't break off the relationship--we are still equally as in love now if not more. However, after some further thought while in the early stages of our engagement we didn't think we were ready for such a large lifestyle change.

At the time we were largely financially independent on our parents. Both of our parents paid for our tuition, our housing, our food, etc. We only had to pay for extra 'luxuries' (excessive drinking and date nights basically.) Now--a year later, our parents are still paying for our tuition (it comes from an Education Savings Plan that has been there for years) but we are paying for our rent and all other living expenses.

Before we didn't have a clear path on where we wanted to go in life. We weren't career motivated and we had no idea what the future held for us. Now a year later we are on the right track. We both have career aspirations and while there is still going to be a lot of spontaneity in our lives we at least have the beginnings of a vision.

A year ago we were still in our 'puppy love' phase. We had never had a fight. We were disgustingly adorable. A year later we have fought, we have fallen into a rut and gotten ourselves out of it. We have discussed our relationship many times and have worked on ways to improve it. Before our relationship was easy and now it is difficult sometimes but for both of us it is worth the effort. Our relationship has strengthened in a way that I didn't know was possible. This past year my family has gone through hell and back and while all the relationships that my siblings were in fell apart due to inability to trust and depression that ran through the family this past year--mine is the only one that has maintained. That being said--I have always responded better to trauma than my family has.

So we aren't engaged again, but we do fully have those intentions. We are so pleased that we made the decision to sit down and end our engagement. We couldn't have made a better decision for ourselves and for our relationship.

However--we hadn't gotten deep into wedding planning yet. We didn't have to do a very public 'the wedding is off!' We had just told our family and our very closest friends of our engagement and within a couple of weeks it was off. Yes, it was a little awkward--but I think they agreed with us. In fact, I think they thought the engagement was an awful idea but were too scared to say anything. I'm sure it was a huge sigh of relief when we ended it.

Nope, we were certain about our decision. We were engaged about 8 months. Hadn't dated a long time either. We did know each other through high school, but never dated each other. Once we finally did, we knew what we wanted.

I'd be curious to know if the people calling off and on again engagements, are also the people, or some of the people, who threaten divorce repatedly as well.

We fight, sure, but if the fights were about whether or not we wanted to be engaged or stay married, I'm sure I'd be rethinking the whole topic. I am sure it works for some, it just wouldn't work for me or for us.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Ladies,

I'll add this. I've mentioned in prior posts my (hmmm.. word? hmmm... "issues") issues with the Perpetually Engaged. These are people who get engaged, but never seem to hunker down and get actually married. They go year after year referring to each other as fiancé/fiancée but never set a date, never get a license, never actually take the next step.

These type tend to break it off, periodically. Usually it's because one wants to get really married, and the other is too chicken. Neither is willing to totally break up, so they go back to the push-pull of the Perpetually Engaged.

Personally, I just ignore the drama. I don't really consider a couple to be truly engaged unless they are actively planning an upcoming wedding, have a date set or are working towards a goal that coincides with the wedding. Vague plans for a wedding "someday" when there's no real good reason for not getting married now is not a true engagement, not in my opinion. But I keep my opinion to myself.

AOTB, You mentioned something interesting that had not crossed my mind before. People who are engaged yet never working toward the wedding, no planning, date set, deposits, ect.

I know a lot of girls who have done this, I have always thought it is because they feel their relationship will be taken more seriously if they say they are engaged. Or perhaps like you mentioned in your other post it is because they are sleeping or living with the guy and believe being engaged makes it seem more stable or appropriate.

That said I do have to say one other thing:
I personally believe that if you have been a stable couple, made the decision to be engaged, set the date, began the planning, put deposits down, and then had a fight in which your engagement was called off doesn't mean your addicted to drama, and it doesn't mean your not ready to get married persay. In that circumstance in particular it is an oppertunity for that couple to learn and grow with each other, just as in marriage. And yes if they sit down and discuss with each other that it isn't what is best, then the marriage wasnt meant to be. However if their engagement being called off, in the heat of the moment or whenever, leads to them having an open honest discussion about their fears or confusion, then how are they not ready? How is that couple in high school drama? They are talking things out, growing as a couple, isn't that what your years of married life together are going to be? Growing and learning from and with each other?

I know there are poeple out there who fight and make up all the time, and who say they are engaged but never follow through. But I just don't think it is right to judge peoples marriage, or future one, by the fact that they split up while engaged. I mean whose to say a couple who broke off their engagement 5 times wont be married for 50yrs, or that a couple who was certain in their decision won't get divorced after 8yrs? No one knows that, it depends on the couple, not weather or not their engagement went smoothly.

True story:

Hubs has a coworker, "B", who has a fiance, "G". When I first met her, I asked her and G about the wedding, and they were vague; they hadn't really planned anything and just seemed to shrug their shoulders about the whole actually getting married thing. When we left that night, the minute we walked out, I said to hubs, "I'm calling it right now -- they're not getting married."

Over the next year, B & G had drama constantly. Many times she'd call hubs about another fight the two of them had. I'd hear about her going out without wearing her engagement ring. Then she moved out. At which point I asked hubs "are they still engaged?" and he said, as far as he knew, yes, they were. Then came the night when G asked for the ring back.

Then fast-forward six months. They're engaged again! G bought a house, she moved in. Still, neither seems particularly excited about marriage. But she is planning a wedding, and appears excited about that, of course.

(Personally, everyone I know think's G's gay, but that's another story.)

So, they're planning a wedding for this fall. There's a wedding date and we've been told informally to save it. I think the whole thing is a fiasco, but I'll happily go to eat the food and cake.

One other story:

Another friend of mine was engaged, but her family and his family had major issues. On the day before the wedding, it was called off, and they broke up. Then, the next thing I knew, they eloped in St. Thomas. As a husband and wife, they are much better at standing up to their folks than they were while engaged, and I feel better about their prospects for happiness now than I did at any point during their engagement, honestly.

So, wrapping it all up, I'll say this much -- I don't think that calling off an engagement is any predictor of marital success/happiness. But, I do think that it signals in a very public way that there are issues that need to be addressed, so it's no real suprise when people are skeptical about their relationship.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

Dear PPB,

Here's the deal.

Some couples get engaged before it's practical to get married. A good example are those who want to finish college before they get married. Other examples might be need to get a divorce finalized, or finish military training.

This, to me, is a legit engagement: "We will get married when we finish college in 2013."

They are making normal progress towards their degrees. They are taking classes, passing them, and moving on to the next classes. They are on schedule. As they get into their senior year, they start making concrete plans. They set a date, get funding, whatever. Or: the divorcing person has filed all the paperwork, and it's a matter of getting a court date, going though a waiting period, etc.

Great.

Now, let's consider another couple. "We will get married when we finish college."

But they never finish college. They are in their mid-30s and still taking a few classes here and there, but never quite reaching the degree or certificate. This goal of finishing college and then getting married stretches on and on into the indefinite future. What they do is, of course, their business but in the privacy of my own thoughts (which is my business) I don't really think of them as truly engaged.

Or: A real-life scenario in my own life. I know a 33-year old woman who has three babies with her live-in boyfriend. They can't get married because he is married to someone else. Mind you, the oldest child is six and a half years old. So, for ~7 years, they've been "engaged" and will get married in some vague point in the future when Turdhead gets his act together and gets a divorce.

And then there are couples who are well old enough to get married. They are done with school. They have jobs. They might even have children. They own a house together. But, they go around saying they are "engaged" but never actually get married, nor make concrete plans. Again, in the privacy of my own thoughts I don't really think of them as truly engaged.

" They are talking things out, growing as a couple, isn't that what your years of married life together are going to be? "

There are couples who are working towards a wedding, truly, but have a big fight, then reconcile. That's fine. People do that. That happens. I'm not really concerned about the subject of the fight unless (in my opinion) there is serious damage done.

OK fight:"We had a big fight because we have different ideas of how to manage money. We have gone into financial counseling and are working out our differences." Great, says I, and by the way where are you registered?

Not OK fight: "He beat me up, which broke my jaw, and told me it was my fault for making him mad." That's the point where I would interject my own opinion into the relationship, calling the police to arrest him for domestic violence assault and haul his ass off to jail.