Fiance has started to go out with buddies more

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JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 4:38 PM

My fiance is the best! He is sweet to me, always considerate of my feelings towards his choices and actions and is involved just the right amount in the wedding planning. He is also completely focused on our future, his work, and his schooling, something I love about him.

I know it is wierd to think about but lately he has been going out more with his guy friends than me. It's innocent no strip clubs or anything. They hang out and play thier instruments, a bunch of his friends are in a band that performs regularly at a local bar, or they play video games, have a drink at the pub and play some pool maybe, go to games ect.You know usual college guy stuff.

It really is a good thing he is hanging out with his male friends more but I just feel confused about it. We used to do everything together, all the previously mentioned things he does with his buddies, and more. We went hiking and out to the bar, festivals ect. And even though we still do these things they seem more spread out When we first began dating we still spent time doing seperate activities and spending seperate time with friends however the time spent together was always the majority, and it remained that way until recently. Now after 3 years of spending most of our time together we aren't anymore.

I don't feel that his friends are stealing my time with him or anything, I think it's good for him to have that time, he always makes sure theres time for us, and we always do fun new things. I'm just wondering if something made him need to be around them more often? Did I do something, or did something happen that made him crave guy time more? Is it because the date is set and things are booked?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 5:48 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Dear DP,

". I'm just wondering if something made him need to be around them more often? Did I do something, or did something happen that made him crave guy time more? Is it because the date is set and things are booked? "

I have no idea what his motivations are. Why don't you ask him?

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 8:38 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

What you are describing seems like a normal progression of a relationship. When we first meet, we are head over heels, wanting to spend every waking hour together. As time goes on, we remember we were a person and had a life before we met! That's all it is... and I would suggest you remember you are a person with a life too! Get out, go shopping with the girls, spend a weekend with your family. Being together 24/7 is actually not healthy. He needs a separate identity, you need a separate identify.. and then you meet in the middle! Make sense?

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 9:00 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Have you actually asked him about this? You don't have to do it in an accusatory way, but you'll certainly get more accurate information if you ask him, rather than a group of people who don't know either of you very well. It's great that he has friends and likes spending time with them, but if he's excluding you from activities that used to include you, then I find that a bit concerning--but, again, I don't know either of you.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 10:09 AM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

I don't think it's anything to be alarmed about. I doubt that you did anything. But he would know the answer to that better than I would, so I suggest you ask him.

Personally, however, I think this sounds like the normal evolution of a relationship. When you're first with somebody, you're in that infatuation stage and you never want to be apart from them. Later, you're over the infatuation, but you're unsure of the future of the relationship, so you go out of your way not to offend the other person. Eventually you're comfortable enough in your relationship that you just do what you want, knowing that things are fine between you and your partner. You don't feel like you have to spend every minute with your partner for him/her to know that you love one another and that your relationship is strong.

The fact that he is spending time with friends does not signify that he has some secret problem with you or your relationship. If YOU feel slighted or have a problem with the amount of time he's spending with them, that is a problem and you should discuss it with him. It's up to you as a couple to determine the right balance of couple time and social time for your relationship. For instance, DH called me yesterday afternoon to see if I wanted to go to a soccer game tomorrow with some coworker friends. We talked about it for a few minutes and decided that we'd rather spend the day on our own, as we attended a wedding last weekend with a group of friends and didn't get to spend much time on our own. There's nothing wrong with spending time with friends or with spending time apart - in fact, both are good for relationships - but you have to work together to make sure you're also getting the right balance of couple time. Sounds like you guys need to have a talk about that.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Gotta stress the point that you have to ask him.

People do things for different reasons -- he might be pulling away, or his guy friends might be wanting to have more batcherlor-type activities because he's getting married, or something else entirely.

We have no idea what is going on with him, and have no way of knowing.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

As others have said--we don't have the answer for this--but he does.

I wouldn't be concerned if I were you. I would be ecstatic if my boyfriend started hanging out with guy friends more often--hell even some girl friends!

As, I believe it was Francie who said it, this sounds like a very normal progression in a relationship.

It might be because of your upcoming marriage. He might feel a need (and it might be subconcious) to show his friends that he is still the same guy even though he's getting married and that things won't change 'too much' between him and his friends.

It might be because things are going to change with his friends. Maybe he wants to cram in lots of guy time now.

Or maybe there has simply been lots of 'guy time' planned recently among his circle of guy friends.

But these are all just theories--I don't know you and your FH. These theories are pretty redundant. Only one person can answer--him.

If you are curious (which it seems like you are) just bring up that he has been spending a lot of time with the guys recently (which is nice) and let the conversation progress from there.

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JoelsPrettyPres... Posts : 41 Registered: 12/2/09
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

So of course I followed everyone's advice and talked with him casually. It was nothing for me to worry about, at all!

It was mostly what others assumed: hes getting married, he's helping me plan, and we are driving to Prescott on weekends, looking at our venues, making deposits. He just needs more guy time to even that out, and to let the guys know hes still the same even though he may be picking out pastel wedding invites now.

Joel also opened up to me that with his fathers passing in December he feels talking it out with his buddies is easier on him then with me or his mother. Which I completely understand and think is wonderful, I was growing concerned that he wouldn't talk about it with anyone, so that is a huge relief to me.

So yup, nothing to stress over. Need to stop my woman brain from picking things apart so much. Thanks for the advice everyone.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 3:20 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Glad you talked, and that it wasn't anything bad!

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Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

Thanks for coming back and letting us know what happened. It's always nice to get updated on how everything worked out.

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"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Fiance has started to go out with buddies more
Posted: Sep 24, 2012 11:42 PM Go to message in response to: JoelsPrettyPres...

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