Fools rush in...

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MissLibre Posts : 3 Registered: 3/22/10
Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 9:36 AM


I'm a newbie, I apologize if I'm placing this topic in the wrong forum but could use some opinions and thoughts on my situation.

I am currently engaged to a wonderful man who I've been dating for 5
months but have known for most of my life. Our families are great
friends, and although I dont have a ring, pretty much everyone we know
is aware of our intentions to get married. We've set a date, picked a
location and photographer (both with deposits) told our pastor (same
church) and our families are overall thrilled.

Before I got with him however I was dating someone who I thought was
the love of my life "Jay". He's a wonderful guy, but he was white and I come
from a traditonal Indian family who would have a hard time with it.
Also he is a final year medical student and I never felt like he was committed
to me. Anyway he has now matched to a residency outside of the state
and is asking me to get married to him and move away with him. I really
am terrified that I'm making the wrong decision. I love the man I'm
engaged to, but the way you would love a dear friend. If I were to
break off my engagement I would be cut off from my family, my parents
would be humiliated, it would be dramatic and the stuff of soap operas.
But now I'm left with two impossible choices, either go through with my marriage and break ties with Jay forever, or break ties with my family and become the pariah of the community, and also break my parents hearts, I think my fiancee would recover eventually.

I really can't get Jay out of my head or heart, I thought I could but I'm now in a different country on vacation from the both of them and what am I doing? Finding a forum to communicate this on.

Yes I'm an idiot. I just wish the last 6 months could have played out differently.

Edited by: MissLibre on Mar 22, 2010 9:38 AM

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

Don't get married. You seem ambilavent about the relationship you are currently in, and that is not a good foundation for a marriage.

Your problem reminds me of a good friend of mine, "W". When I first met W, he was 25, and had just broken up with his girlfriend because she was not Jewish and his family would not approve. Over the next 7 years, he dated many women, all Jewish, but none were ever the "one." One, I remember, he really did love, but, like you, felt that they were stronger friends.

About two years ago, he began dating, and fell in love with, another woman who was not Jewish. Only this time, he is standing up to his family. He really adores her, and is willing to handle any fallout from his parents. In time, I think they will come to respect the relationship, because they do love their son.

My suggestion to you is to pursue neither men. You owe it to yourself to feel certain in your choice. Additionally, if you really felt that the ex was "the one", you wouldn't feel so conflicted about choosing him. I've had a lot of Indian friends who had similar predicaments, some married their white fiances, some waited until they met an Indian person who they were really excited about marrying, and everything did end up ok. If you have some Indian friends who married outside their communities, I also suggest you talk to them about how they feel about their choice. It might help to talk to someone who knows what you're going through, cause I think it's difficult for non-Indian people to really understand.

Good luck. Really and truly.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

I'm totally with MsD - you should marry neither.

You really don't sound very into the guy you're supposed to be marrying. And that's not fair to either of you. If you're not excited to spend the rest of your life with him, he's not the right person for you, regardless of whether there's another man in the picture or not. And though you may take some heat from within your community for breaking off the engagement, that's better than a lifetime in a lukewarm marriage. Forget all the other factors for a minute and ask yourself whether you will be happy - truly happy - if you go through with this marriage. If not, don't do it. If you have to talk yourself into it, it's not right.

Now, Guy #2 is a totally different issue. IF you decide not to go through with your wedding to Guy #1, I strongly suggest that you take a year to think about this before committing to Guy #2. Right now, you're idealizing him because you're looking for an excuse not to marry Guy #1. And I'm sorry, but it sounds weird to me that an ex boyfriend would randomly ask you to marry him if you're engaged to someone else. You need to take some time off from BOTH of these men and get your head together. Without the pressure to marry Guy #1, would you still even be thinking about Guy #2?

Maybe the answer is neither. You need some time to yourself to cool your head before making any decisions. You shouldn't marry Guy #1 because you obviously don't want to. But you shouldn't marry Guy #2 just because you don't want to marry Guy #1. Take some time to be single rather than jumping from one engagement to another.


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Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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NicoleN1101 Posts : 44 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Did your parents know about your previous relationship? And how close are you with them? I look at it this way, I got married to my rebound guy. I was engaged to my highschool sweetheart but we decided to break it off after 3 1/2 years because we were too young (19), I started dating my ex-husband within 3 months, and was engaged a year later. We were married for about a year and a half, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was sooo focused on getting married that I didn't think about what the marriage ment. I also didn't take the time to really get to know him like I thought I knew him and ended up in an abusive relationship. I divorced him because of it, but all the while my parents never knew how I felt. Their biggest disappointment, was that I was unable to talk openly about any of it until it was way past the point of decision making.

I must say however that I learned so much from both experiences and now appreciate my husband for everything he is and does for me. I love him dearly and if everything that happened before had not happened I would have never met him. Everything happens for a reason. But don't be afraid of the ones you love.
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

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MissLibre Posts : 3 Registered: 3/22/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 7:25 PM Go to message in response to: NicoleN1101

Thanks for the replies so far.

No my parents did not know when I was seeing Jay. We dated briefly for 2 periods with 2 years in between both stints. It seemed that he could never really balance me in his life, and I didn't feel like I should have had to fight for his attention all the time. When Jay and I broke up last time, he didn't want to end it but couldnt give me a firm commitment. When I started dating my present bf, shortly therafter Jay "realized" his strong feellings for me and tried to make me realize them too. I was stubborn and pretty much cut him out of my life. I also thought it strange that he only wanted me this badly when I wasn't available to him, and thought I was just a challenge to him. Months later, it seems like his feelings and commitment have just grown even stronger, and I've slowly allowed our friendship to creep back into my life. I've crossed the line in talking to him about this, bc I am engaged (in all but the ring).

I've told Jay that even if I break up with my fiancee, there's no gauruntee that we will work out. I feel like any chance I had to get my parents to take Jay seriously were all shot to hell when I announced that I wanted to get married to my fiancee. I actually am not kidding when I say I'll be disowned for at least a little while.

Anyway I think I'm going to have to think this through and pray (!) and talk to my fiancee about this. I don't want to lead him on. It just feels like I've been faced with 2 choices that are going to come with a lot of pain, and I don't know what's better to sacrifice for my sanity's sake. I know if I let Jay go, he'll have a good life. I know if I marry my fiancee I will likely have a good marriage. But how honest is it...lots to think about.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 7:37 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

You are in love with the idea of Jay...but he's an ass. I'm going to be blunt and say it. This is a man who, when he had you, could not make time for you....but the moment you're dating someone else, he's all in there trying to convince you that you were meant to be.

If you were meant to be, he'd have made more of an effort during the first tries at the relationship. He's one of those guys who only desires a woman if she belongs to someone else. He doesn't want to have his cake...He wants to have someone else's cake.

And here he is, confusing you more because you've romanticized the relationship that you had with him

Write down what you loved about being with Jay. What you hated about being with Jay.
Write down how being with Jay made you feel....both the good and the bad.

I've recently married my high school sweetheart. We were engaged in high school, but during that time, he always put everyone else first. He didn't mean to neglect me, but he did take me for granted. He does not do that now. He spent a lifetime pretty much regretting how we ended, and accepting that we were never going to get back together--and then we did. And you can bet your bippy he cherishes our relationship.

But he didn't try to break me up from another relationship. He didn't only want me if I had another man in my life. He didn't try to change my life to suit him or ask me to move my world to be with him....HE moved HIS world to be with me.

Would JAY do that? From what you're saying, he wants you to dump your fiance, marry him, and then move away from everyone you know. And he only wants to be with you when you have someone else. So, he'll have you. He won't want you because you're his now. You'll have upset your entire family and probably feel like you can't go home (though you probably could). You'll be all alone and trapped with a person who doesn't want YOU...he just wants to possess you or to have no one else have you. Sounds like a massive red flag for an abusive situation.


I'm not going to say do not marry your fiance....but I am going to say you might want to postpone the wedding and get some personal counselling to find out what YOU really feel. You might end up marrying your fiance, you might not. But do what is best for you.

What is best for you does not include Jay.

Misty

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 22, 2010 10:04 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I totally agree. You should get some counseling. It doesn't sound like you are in love with your fiancé. Do you really want a marriage like that? This Jay guy doesn't sound too great either. I wouldn't marry him right now. What's wrong with waiting for a man that treats you great from the beginning and that you fall in love with? You don't have to get married to anyone right now.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: wdubin

What Misty said, particularly, with special emphasis on this part:


"I'm not going to say do not marry your fiance....but I am going to say
you might want to postpone the wedding and get some personal counselling
to find out what YOU really feel. You might end up marrying your
fiance, you might not. But do what is best for you.

What is best for you does not include Jay."

Jay most definitely sounds like a complete asshat.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 2:12 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

I haven't read the other threads yet, because I want to answer this from my gut instinct, trying not to let the intelligent responses of others influence me. Perhaps I will have something helpful to say.

When I read your post, it was almost as if there is an underlying plea for help in the tone of your writing.. almost as if to say, "Please! Help me figure a way out of this engagement!" I think there are more than one issues to consider, and I do believe you should look at these issues separately.
Deal with one issue and then the next.

First, let's discuss your current engagement to the man you have been dating for five months. You made the comment that you are of Indian heritage, and I was wondering if your current fiance is of the same culture/religion. If so, is this an arranged situation, or do you feel pressured by your family to marry within your culture/religion. That is a very important thing to get clear. You say that Jay is white and your family would disown you for marrying him. I am guessing it is due to a difference in belief system?

You say you love your fiance "as a friend". Well, to me, as an Asian-American and Christian, I say a girl should marry for love. However, I don't want to make assumptions without knowing what your particular beliefs are. But if you are allowed to marry for love within your culture, I am not sure why you would consider marrying someone you just felt was a good friend. If, however, you are expected to marry within your own culture/religion, then I can see how that complicates your situation.

First, you must decide what you are going to do about this fiance, this marriage arrangement. If you want out, then get out now. Yes, your family may be angry. They may even turn their back on you. You must ask yourself if you are willing to face that consequence.

As far as Jay is concerned, your decison to be with him should be based on your love for him and his love and committment to you. Since you haven't dated him for awhile, I would strongly discourage to "run away with him" and get married. If you want to be with Jay, break up with your fiance and then date Jay for a year before you decide if he is the guy you are meant to spend your life with. I would not make any hasty decisions.

I really think you need to take some time to really think this situation out. There are many factors to be considered, and I am not sure there is an easy answer. But don't jump out of this relationship and rush into another one as a way to "get out of" a marriage you don't want. Does that make sense? Good luck and feel free to private message me. I hope I was of some help.

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tytbody Posts : 2 Registered: 3/22/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 7:32 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

I think if you want a way out of the first engagment, you don't really love this man. Plain and simple. Break the engagment until you KNOW WHOM you want to spend the rest of your life with, no question about it.

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

I agree with everyone who said that some distance from BOTH men could greatly improve your perspective.

You would be wise I think to sit down and honestly tell your fiancee all you are feeling. If yuo do marry your current fiancee this will just be the first time of several tough issues that you will have to work through together. Every couple faces some challenges in marriage. If you cannot love, support, help, forgive, and freely communicate with each other when engaged, chances are you won't be able to do it when you are married ( unless of course you get counseling and learn how.)

Also you owe it to your current fiancee ( I think) to be straight with him about all you are thinking and feeling so he can make an informed decision about you and he and your relationship.
If you are having doubts, your fiancee needs to know so he is not blindsided by your emotions later. He will have an easier time being understanding and supportive, I think, if you are honest with him sooner rather than later.

I can tell you are conflicted and really want to do the right thing. I encourage you to pray and confide with a pastor and/ or mentor who you know has your best interest at heart.
I hope all the best for you!


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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MissLibre Posts : 3 Registered: 3/22/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

Many thanks for all the considerate replies.

No my fiancee and I are not an arranged match. My parents had been forcing me to go out on dates with other "suitable" guys etc., but I always found some way to let the guys know I wasn't interested. When my fiancee expressed his interest in me, I thought that perhaps this was the right relationship for me, one that grows out of a strong friendship, common background, someone I can understand very well. Unfortunately I just didn't predict that Jay would change his mind so utterly and totally and confuse me about whether I am making the right choice.

I don't want to paint Jay as the devil though, he's not. His realization just had very bad timing. He offered to defer residency for me and all sorts of unnecessary and extravagant things, but truthfully I want him to leave, to move away from me. I just didn't think he'd still want me with him when he matched. I didn't think I would feel this much sadness over him leaving. And I didn't think I would ever consider being with him again, even give it more than a passing thought. Maybe I am idealizing whatever time I had with Jay...probably so.

It's simply too much for me to turn my back on my family. I can't do that to them. But I do understand that this much confusion isn't right. I will try to talk my fiancee about this, but I don't think I'll break up with him at this point. I think we can find a way to make this work. And by "we" I mean "me". Prayers and counseling, and talking is pretty much the route I've decided to go.

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 10:41 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

Girlfriend,
You get married for yourself, not for your family. If your family loves you, they want you to choose the right guy. Please do not marry someone because you think that is what everyone else wants you to. I'm afraid that would be a big mistake. And when you think about it, is it fair to your fiance to marry him? I mean, if you aren't madly in love with him... is that fair? Doesn't he deserve his fiance to be madly in love with him? I wouldn't want someone to marry me just because we came from the same background and our families were happy about it. He deserves more.

Talk to him and be completely honest. You owe him that much. Good luck.

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Fools rush in...
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: MissLibre

All the best to you! I hope we hear a happy report from you soon!


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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