Confused

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: Navymom

They can, more power to them. But people, some people, will think of it like AOTB and some others. Not really a wedding since the people involved are already married.

And, posting to find out when to register for your gifts, when you are already legally married, was what got me going.

Have a vow renewal, an anniversary party, whatever. Wear whatever you want, invite whomever you want, and do at that celebration whatever you want. Just know, there will be some who will think it odd, or gift grabby, or strange.

Like I said, were it close friends, I'd go anyway and not spend much/any time pondering that. But this is an internet message board where you will get all kinds of opinions and people will express them.

We specifically chose NOT to do a destination wedding, alone, so that our families could share and watch us actually get married. We were happy with that choice in part because they all wanted to be there.

Would we have been happy with a DW as well and would it have been cheaper? yes, and yes. But we made the choice we made.

When we renew our vows, we are planning to do that, alone, for sure alone, at hte same place we went to for our honeymoon, probably.

Do I personally care if someone has a big celebration and even wears a wedding gown? No, I don't. But I get irritated with entitlement posts. I get irritated with entitlement period.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 7:43 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

And no one gave me to my DH. I didn't see it that way, and neither did my daughter when she had my brother walk her in. Nor do people equate weddings with virgins, not anymore.

THe one thing that is signified, is the legal marriage itself. People are free to do that however they want, really. The point of opinions is for gaining various perspectives. That's it. Then going off and making your own choice. At least, that is what I come here for often.

This topic is a topic that will always generate much response, and, will always be beat to death.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 19, 2010 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Dear Cyndi,

"ya, it is. You know why?? Cause these people you scorn are NOT already married. They DID wait. I was with you sort of until you came out and bashed a lot of people for no reason. "

I agree.

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 8:45 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm almost afraid to jump into the lions den, on this one. I know how touchy of a subject it is...

Well, BF and I have been invited to one of these vow renewal ceremonies next summer. The groom is currently stationed overseas with the US Army, and they had a quickie, JOP wedding while she was visiting him on base. She will be moving on base with him in the coming months. Their justification for this renewal/delayed reception was that they wanted to involve the bride's family, and have a reception with family & friends. An aunt of the bride (the irony nearly killed me, AOTB) is very adamently against it, saying "You can't get married twice," but everyone else is very open to the idea. The bride's family is footing half the bill, from what I understand, and groom + bride will pay the other half.

However, I will say to the bride's credit, she's not trying to call it her "real wedding", or lying about their current marital status. As far as I know, she is not registering for gifts. They only want the reception, with a small ceremony beforehand. She is proudly married, and is shouting it from the rooftops as we speak. *:P

To be honest, I'm a true neutral on this subject. It's their prerogative. They choose how they want to handle their relationship, and this renewal is their choice. Whether or not I attend is my choice. The only thing that annoys me is the girl who says it's their "real wedding" and completely disregard the JOP ceremony as "just a piece of paper". Umm, excuse me? That's when I check the NO box on that "real wedding" invitation. If it were me in that scenario, I'd be utterly content with the JOP wedding, and then just throw a gigantic anniversary bash somewhere in the following years.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 9:39 AM Go to message in response to: Navymom

You know what Navymom....you still made a choice. You made the choice that the time together was more important than the BWW. There are people in the military who are not married and who co-habitate. The SO doesn't get benefits. And the military member doesn't get the ADDITIONAL PAY that comes from having a dependant (yeah, I know you get a higher BAH for having a dependant than you do for being single). You get nicer housing if you live on base...as you get a house, instead of barracks.

I'm a military B.R.A.T. and I spent the first 18 years of my life in military mode. We moved a LOT, and my mother made a hell of a lot of unrecognized sacrifices for our country. People tell the VET "Thank you" but they nenver say "thank you" to their wives and children, and let me tell you something, those people make a lot more sacrifices than most people realize--from instability of home (because when you move every 3 to 4 years, it is difficult to form lasting relationships) to instability of career (because when you move every 3 to 4 years, that is looking for and starting over at another job constantly--and companies also evaluate whether you're likely to be around, so you might not get your dream job but rather be working retail at a much lower wage than your earnings potential allows). SPOUSES make that choice. Children do not.

Being a military wife MEANS making sacrifices. Period, end of story, etc. And while many of those sacrifices do not become apparent until after the marriage when you start living the life of a military spouse, it is still a choice you made.

But choosing to marry on the quick also means added benefits. You get access to bases and the health care program of the military. You have his BAH to help defray your living expenses. And if something happens to him (god forbid), you have the death benefits.

You could have moved with him to be near him. Yes, it would have been costly. And since you say Navy, that probably means he ships out frequently, so you have large spanses of time when you don't see him. (For the record, I do think Navy wives have it hardest in times of peace, because their hubbies DO ship out a lot....so they are essentially single moms, etc)

I know someone who put together the BWW in six weeks. Yes, it took the combined effort of friends and family to make this happen. Yes, she had to buy a dress off the rack. And do you know why she put it together so fast? Because her hubby is military and was going to be deployed. And she wanted thie BWW. It was extremely stressful for all of us. My DH and I made her invitations...we stayed up until 3 am because the next day her family had planned an invite addressing party--she HAD to have her invites done; I went dress shopping with her. We couldn't go to the wedding because of a play that DH and I were in...but they got married the day that DH and I got engaged. Her reception WAS potluck, of sorts (she didn't bring anything), hosted at her new inlaws home. The ceremony was at her church. And yes, her cake was from the grocery store. She didn't have teh $250/plate dinner, but she had the ceremony with witnesses and reception that she wanted--downsized, yes. The point was, the BWW was important to her, so she made the choice to try make it happen, and those of us who love her made the choice to make it work.

It IS about choices. When DH and I first started talking about getting married, I told him I was fine with going to the courthouse, or flying to Vegas. HE wanted the BWW. And as our finances became tight, we discussed changing the plan--but the event we had planned was too special to us by that point to really do so without both of us being majorly disappointed. So we cut in other areas to make it happen. We made the sacrifices because of our choice.

If you CHOOSE a Courthouse wedding, that is fine. And having a vow renewal with guests, I have no problem with. But you only get one wedding. Don't pretend that you're not married for the sake of the BWW. That is a lie.


Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: Navymom

I wouldn't have been able to see him except for 30 days out of the year for 6 years

That's pretty much the relationship we had for a good 5 years before we were married. The long distance stage of our relationship began when we had been dating for about 3 years and lasted until just a few months before our wedding. We saw one another for a weekend every three months or so. I'd say it was less than 30 days a year, and we still made it work.

Or someone on their fifth marriage having the white wedding gown and
Daddy giving her away? Maybe people having a marriage after divorce
should be given away by their previous husband instead?


What does being given away have to do with anything? Nobody gave me away, as I am nobody's to give or to possess.

when a good 90% or more of weddings are not as original weddings were held.

You've completely missed the point. This isn't about adhering to tradition. I have no problem with leaving sexist or dated traditions in the past and reinventing modern weddings to fit modern lifestyles. The point of this debate is that a wedding, by definition, is the joining of two people in marriage. Two people who are already married CANNOT be married again, unless they were to divorce first. You can't have a wedding without two single people who wish to be married - a married couple does not meet these requirements. Take away the legal act of getting married, and what are you left with? Two people getting dressed up like a bride and groom and having a big party. I really don't like the term 'fake wedding', but if you're not actually getting married, I really don't see the point.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I also came from a town where everyone went to church and had fellowship after. Most weddings were done in the church with a cake and punch reception in the church basement. There were country club weddings, but they were more the exception than the rule.

I was doing some research a couple of months ago and I interviewed my Aunt about her wedding in 1959. She was telling me how "stressed out" she was with all the planning. She was in college at the time, and said she worried that her wedding would not be as nice as her friends. Back then, it was customary for the bride to open gifts before the wedding and display them in her parent's home. The custom was to invite friends and their parents to come to view the gifts. I had never heard of this before but later learned it was done in the 50's and 60's. My Aunt told me she was worried because her house was no where near as nice as her friends homes.

Just as Myra said, we as a society as created the billion dollar wedding industry. Supply and demand!

I totally agree with you about how many people do not have big parties outside a wedding. This was true for the heart of Appalachia. Many girls grow up looking forward to two things, senior prom and her wedding. After that, it is kids and that's it. So, the prom and wedding become very important.

But here in Charlotte, NC (and many other cities across the US) the affluent are becoming more and more outrageous with parties. People actually spend 10,000 for birthday parties, from a one year old's party to sweet sixteen. These are competitions among the Mothers for the most part. Charlotte Magazine did a story last month about one such Mother who throws these elaborate parties for her children. She is determined to "outdo" the other Mothers. It is quite silly but it happens a lot in places like this. Oh.. what a great topic. We should all thank the OP!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

Dear Van

" An aunt of the bride (the irony nearly killed me, AOTB) is very adamently against it,"

LOL!!!

"They choose how they want to handle their relationship, and this renewal is their choice. Whether or not I attend is my choice. The only thing that annoys me is the girl who says it's their "real wedding" and completely disregard the JOP ceremony as "just a piece of paper"

I agree with this entirely. They can do what they want. I do what I want. I don't want to hear "boo hoo you don't love me".

Anyone who refers to a JOP ceremony as "not real" or "just a piece of paper" insults the many happy couples for whom a JOP ceremony was totally real and their one and only wedding.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

Dear Francie,

" Back then, it was customary for the bride to open gifts before the wedding and display them in her parent's home. The custom was to invite friends and their parents to come to view the gifts. "

We did exactly that at my wedding. I got married at my parents' house, so a home display of gifts was appropriate.

My mother set up the dining room table (plus a couple of card tables) and covered them with white table clothes. We made little cards with the name of the gift giver right next to the gift. Those who gave part of the registered place settings had their names on cards right in front of a "sample" place setting.

My grandmother (the Etiquette Queen) was all for it. They did the same at her own daughter's wedding, back in the mid-40s.


Added later: No, we did not display the checks. We made cards that said "Cash gift from Mr Homer Simpson" without indicating the amount.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 20, 2010 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: Navymom

Dear Navymom,

"I keep seeing people say that if you want the big nice wedding, you should wait to get married until you can have it."

Let me put in different terms.

A white ceremonial bridal gown is the uniform of a woman getting married. Starting the day single, ending the day married. The white ceremonial bridal gown is a powerful symbol of a bride. It is worn in public on one day only: the wedding day.

Other days, other occasions, the lady wears regular clothes. Going swimming? She wears a swimming suit. Digging in the garden? She wears jeans. Attending a dressed-up party? She wears party clothes.

Seeing a woman who is not a bride (not single, not getting married) is like seeing a person not in the military wearing a military uniform. How would you react if some civilian wanted to borrow your husband's military uniform and wear it around town? Wear your husband's military decorations? Get the deference and respect that others have towards a member of the military without actually serving in the military?

I read, recently, in the paper that a man was prosecuted in court and sentenced to time in jail for doing just that. It is against the law to wear a military uniform or military decorations if not entitled to them. I think the law refers to "Stolen Valor".

That is my personal reaction to a married woman wearing a white ceremonial bridal gown. She's out of uniform. If this lady wants to have a party to celebrate her marriage with family and friends and if she is already married, then she has the perfectly good alternative of a delayed reception or anniversary party. She would wear regular party clothes and not pretend to be a bride.

I would react, similarly, to anyone having some kind of party to which they are no longer entitled. I'm not interested in going to a party to celebrate the Class of 2006 graduate in 2010. ("I didn't get my grad party four years ago and DAMMIT I'm entitled to a party.") I'm not interested in a Latina woman of 27 suddenly deciding she needs a Quinceañera party. A Quinceañera party is sweet and appropriate at 15, downright weird at 27.

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