So help me out with my biggest in-law issues

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Dear NJ and Brooke, who seem to have separated-at-birth MILs:

"Yea but Aunt, what if the ILs don't have their own lives?"

Then that's the ILs' problem.

Get it? The in-laws failed as parents if their adult children are not capable of making their own decisions, living their own lives. A parent who has to hover over adult children, telling them to finish their dinner and eat their vegetables has done a lousy job as a parent when the children were young.

So, it's time for the adult children to try tough love.

First, the adult children have to be REALLY TRULY financially independent. You can't say "Mom, bug off, and by the way, here's my cell phone bill for you to pay."

Next, the adult children have to be firm but kind to their parents. "I'm sorry, Mom, we cannot see you this weekend. We have other plans. http://Mad, passionate lovemaking. Naked scampering though the house. TMI How about getting together in two weeks? That would work for us. Does it work for you?"

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

"So thanks for that. However, I'm not so sure I agree with the " becoming obsolete" thing - I'm sure your boys still feel that they need their Mom at times :) (I get what you mean though) "

I will absolutely be obsolete if I die before my children do. I don't even want to consider the alternative of me outliving one of my children.

My adult children have many resouces for advice and counsel. They have their cousin (my niece) and her husband. The boys and my niece go back and forth with comments, advice, snarky remarks ("Have you learned how to pick up a dirty pair of tighty whiteys from the floor yet?" I saw that on FB), etc. They have my brother, their uncle, my brother's kids, my husband's sibs, their cousins as well as former Scoutmasters, former teachers, college profs, etc.

My kid with a problem can make an adult decision as to who best to approach with that problem. It may be that Mom or Dad might be the best resource. It may be that their uncle might be a better choice. They might go to a message board like this one. They might ask a neighbor for advice.

Their choice.

And, yes, my various kids (sons, niece, other nieces and nephews, friends' kids, church kids) occasionally come to me. One nephew, recently, picked my brain on the subject of multi-dimensional databases, simply because I work with them all the time and he wanted to better understand the concept.

One of the best gifts you can give your children is a network of trustworthy adults. They can still get good advice, even if the subject is one they are uncomfortable bringing to Mom or Dad.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Dear Brooke,

"Francie and AOTB, could you both please be my MIL?!?!?"

I'd love it, but I'm not in the business of matchmaking for my sons.

The chances of either of them ever being interested in anyone I might introduce are somewhere between slim and none. They find their own girls.

(You know I'm kidding around here.)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 4:49 PM Go to message in response to: MrsSy

Sy - If you have plans with your friends and then leave them for over 30 minutes because your Mom called you for the FOURTH time that day - then yeah, you need to rethink it. And when this happens EVERY time you hang out with your friends....

If you call them because you want to and you're not in the middle of things with people - that's on you.

I'm very close to my Mom, but we talk maybe once a week - she's retired and travels ALL over and I'm busy. LOL

Now we were out to dinner with friends and my Mom called. I went to send it to voice mail, even saying 'I just talked to her last night' - LOL. But then I remembered the my g-mom was in the hospital, so I took it, leaving the table to step outside. And it was about my g-Mom who was doing well, I told my Mom I was out and she was like 'Oh good - enjoy yourself.' and that was it. I was back in in less than 10 minutes, probably closer to 5. And everyone understood.

But I don't do that EVERY TIME we go out. It gets old with my friend who does. She also doesn't make time for her BF or BF's family at the holidays and sees nothing wrong with it - it's probably going to be the end of her relationship with him, which I HOPE doesn't come to pass (I'm friends with both of them) - but I can't blame him either. He doesn't want to take over all her time from her family, but between her family and her job, he'd like to be given some preferences sometimes. I don't think that asks too much.

OK, now I'm off topic. HAHAHA

I can't really complain that much about my MIL. She was a little nutsy with the engagement and us getting married in NJ (she nearly fainted at dinner when we mentioned it - even though she had been told before) - but she seems to have gotten over that.

Although she does think that EVERY TIME we go out of town we're seeing my family (which we are NOT) and sometimes tries to pull things - like on Mother's Day, my FIL's family gets together for a Family Reunion. My MIL ALWAYS complains because then it's not about her. Seriously, she told me that. And I looked at her and said 'Both of your sons are here, I haven't seen my Mom on Mother's Day in several YEARS. I think you are fortunate."

She's never mentioned it to me again.

 

 

 

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MrsSy Posts : 504 Registered: 7/6/08
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 7:04 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Pharm, since we talk so many times during the day, they know when I'm out with friends and don't call, lol. Unless there's a medical/family issue. When I moved in with DH, I started calling my mom on my way from work. I don't like leaving DH or friends to call my parents or someone else.

I have a friend from work that is all the time on his cell phone. We used to go out and barely talked with him on our way to places. Most of time he was arguing with is now wife. One fathers day, we went to the movies to meet with one of our friends. The whole time we were in the car he was talking with everybody in PR to wished them a happy fathers day.

Proud Member of the P.O.O.P.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 7:42 PM Go to message in response to: MrsSy

Sy - My GF, she says 'I'm out with friends' but she and they keep talking. It's not so much them as SHE wont' stand up to them. I just can't live like that.

We live VERY close to my ILs. Thankfully, they are respectful of us. Yes, they like to get together, but they never drop by at a moment's notice.

EDIT: And obviously, if there was an emergency that's different too. But this is like EVERY time we get together. My Mom knows if I'm out I don't answer my phone. But if she called 2-3 times in a row, I'll answer. I know that means something has happened. My GF doesn't even get that. She calls me like that because she didn't get me and I answer the phone thinking there is something wrong - I've tried to explain to her - she does the same thing to her BF. Now if I'm out or in the middle of something I don't answer her call even if she calls multiple times - because she doesn't GET IT.




Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Jan 30, 2010 7:44 PM

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: MrsSy

Sy, maybe I'm too nice. I have a co-worker/friend who has parents in another country, Mexico. There's a time difference. Then take into account the work schedule with siestas and meal times. She also has a 9 month old baby that they love to hear about. So, I totally understand when she speaks to them on the phone at work. (We share an office.) I also don't mind if she talks to them for around 10-15 minutes after work if we go out together. I can't imagine being that far away from every single member of my family.

Birdie, before moving to Orlando I lived within 1/2 mile of my parents. I was at their house at least 5 nights a week. My mom is funny and kind. I enjoy her as a person. When I moved to Orlando, I would call her at least 5 or 6 times a week just to chat. Now, after almost 2 years, it's about 1-2 times a week. You are not weird.

For everyone with IL issues, I think it will always be hard if your the DIL of a controlling or lonely MIL. DH's mom (I refuse to associate her and the word mom in relation to me) told some of DH's family that I was needy and kept him away from her. After counting to ten and screaming in my head many foul words, I calmly responded "I am not needy. I'm demanding. I demand respect in return to those I give it to because that shows class and character. As I have lost all respect for you, I have no use for you. I gave up on showing you respect and thinking out of common human courtesy that it would be reciprocated. That's why I no longer bother to come see you. I don't care anymore."

It was like I had to have an intervention in my own life. I had to cleanse it. I had to find the courage to say I'm worth more than this, more than being insulted and blamed to my face. She's been a drunk mess around me. She's negative. I know she still talks about me as if I'm scum to all of DH's family, but at least I do not have to deal with it anymore.

Birdie, maybe you need to have DH wirte a letter as therapy Intervention style. "Dear Mom, you've affected my life negatively in the following ways....blah blah blah. If you do not make efforts to baby proof your home, be more understanding of my life and my family, and try harder to visit us more often I will no longer be able to take your phone calls, your guilt, and your hot mess controlling ways."

wedding ticker

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MrsSy Posts : 504 Registered: 7/6/08
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 10:50 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Mush, I totally understand being in different contries. My parents are in PR also. My friend wasn't only talking on our way to the movies. He was talking while waiting for the movie to start, at the restaurant, while he was eating, on our way back home. Every single time we go out with him, he was always talking on his phone instead of us.

Your DH mom is a nut case. It's good you stand up for yourself.

Proud Member of the P.O.O.P.

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 31, 2010 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: MrsSy

I know I'm coming in here kind of late.

MrsSy--I think it's normal to call your parents every day or even multiple times a day. I text my good friends and my sister that much, I don't see why it's any different with a parent that you're close to. Justin calls his grandma almost every day on his way home from work.

Both my Mom and Justin's parents have a little bit of hard time letting go as far as control goes. I understand it's probably hard to let go of your children, but at the same time it gets annoying. My Dad has never been controlling, so it's pretty smooth sailing there with him.

All 4 of our parents try and butt into our finances. They always ask us what we're going to do with this money and that money. I don't really understand it because we've never been bad with finances. It gets annoying because right now we do have an outlined plan for the next 2 or so years for our money. But I cannot possibly tell someone how every single penny that comes into my purse is going to be spent.

If you want to hear more about my future in-laws woes you can see the thread I already started about it. haha.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 31, 2010 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Dear Amy,

" They always ask us what we're going to do with this money and that money."

Assuming you are completely financially independent of your parents, all you need to is give then a blank look and say "Why ever would you need to know?"

It's just like a co-worker or casual friend asking you about how much you make. It's none of their business.

If you are not completely financially independent of your parents, then your money is their business because it's their money. The fact that it bugs you to be accountable to them is all the more reason to work harder to become financially independent.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 31, 2010 10:50 PM Go to message in response to: MrsSy

Ah, that is different. All the time is a bit more annoying over 10 or 15 minutes here and there.

wedding ticker

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Jan 31, 2010 11:31 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Mush - That's my issue with my GF who's parents live 60 miles away. EVERY time we hang out - 30-40 minutes, sometimes more than once in 4 hours.

I don't get it. When I KNOW they've spoken to one another several times that day.

Drives me up a wall and makes me not want to hang out with her.

 

 

 

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Ah, money. Occasionally, my parents will ask about money. Like, for example, if we need a larger item for the baby. Of course, it's not as annoying (though unnecessary!) because it's usually followed with " because we would just LOVE to buy that for our granddaughter". Lol.

My friend was raised by her grandmother. She is now a single mom. Her grandmother is so funny now. Whenever my friend mentions buying something for her son, her grandmother will say "Good heavens, why didn't you TELL me that the little boy needed something? Go get my purse". My friend has a good job, her grandmother is just way too cute.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:10 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Argh.

So, two nights ago we had another one of those "talk to my husband about it, corner me later" things (except over the phone). I'm embarassed to say that I was actually caught off guard by it. How big of an idiot am I to be caught off guard by something that happens all the time? Stupid me.

So I didn't say much, sort of mumbled stuff like "Hm, that might work, we'll see, need to talk to (my husband) again about it". And now my husband is going to call them back and say that no, we will not be joining them for what they want to do because we can't afford it, and if they want to see their grandaughter they are welcome to come to our house, but that we should not have to pay money to be able to see them just because they can't make us a priority.

Or something.

I realize that's incoherent. I'm just ticked that no one seems to understand that we have to live within our means, which is a HUGE struggle, and that we appear "rude" for turning down invites because we can't afford the tickets, gas and eating out that would be a part of the day.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: So help me out with my biggest in-law issues
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Ugh! Bird! what a pain!! That's good though that your DH is standing up to them and laying down the law! haha Don't you wish there was a little bird that would talk some of this info into in-laws ears so they would actually "get it"??

I'm worried that I'll become bitter eventually about MIL. I've never been like that. I've always been a forgiving, brush things off my shoulder type of person, a HUGE people pleaser. And more and more I feel it weighing on me more and more and it's really affecting me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it just makes me sad and angry that we try to so hard and that the relationship with them has to be SUCH work! I mean, I know all relationships take work, but the one with her is EXHAUSTING!! And the more comments she drops and attitude she shows and two-facedness (new word! ), the more irritated I become and it is starting to carry over into the next time we talk or see each other. I don't want to be that bitter person. I want to be relaxed and enjoy time with them. I know I can only change how I feel and react, not how she acts, but I'm finding it harder and harder to let go of this stuff.

I keep telling DH that when we have children we have to remember this when they are moving out, getting married, having kids. I NEVER want my DIL or SIL to feel the way I am feeling from the in-laws. I guess all of us will just have to make sure we don't become what we don't like! haha

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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