How long to wait to have children

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coleapril87 Posts : 24 Registered: 11/11/09
How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 10:39 AM

Me and my fiance are getting married in 2012. We're hoping we can move it up to 2011 but we're not sure. We were talking the other day about having children, neither of us want to be 30 having our one and only child but I don't want to be young thinking I missed out on anything. He said that he wanted kids when he was 24 or 25, If we wait til 2012 it will be a month before his 25 birthday. I want to be married for at least a year before I have a kid. I'm just curious how long some ladies waited after they were married to have kids and how old you were.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 11:19 AM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

We have been married for nearly two years and have no plans for kids soon. While we would be happy if we ended up with a surprise earlier than we plan, we have no plans to even discuss the issue this year. I would be open to start trying next year or the year after, but I'd also be Ok with waiting a few more years if that's what DH prefers. I am 29, DH is 30, and we have been together for nearly 10 years total, married for almost 2.

Looks like you and I are opposites - while you want to be done having kids by 30, I've never had any desire to have them before 30. And now that I'm close to 30, I'm still not feeling any pressure. We will have kids when the time is right for us, not when society or anybody else thinks we should. Like I said, we would be happy with a surprise earlier than we intend (well, eventually happy - I'm sure we'd have some freakout moments) and I know we'd adjust fine, but if given the choice, I would choose to wait AT LEAST another year, preferably two. I say that for many reasons, the most practical of which being career and financial considerations, but probably the most important being that neither of us particularly wants a baby yet. I'm not saying we don't want kids - more accurately, we're both rather indifferent to the idea at present. As in, 'A baby would be nice, but I don't need it right now.' And since we're too young for the 'now or never' pressure, why rush if neither of us has strong feelings about it yet?

Added later: I wouldn't stress about making and adhering to a 'life timeline'. I'm going to assume that you're pretty young, since your FH will be 25 in two years. When I in my early 20s, I wanted to be married by 24 and pregnant by 25 or 26. As you can see, I changed my mind. It's all fine to say, 'By X age, I want this,' when you're younger and X age seems old and wise....but when you approach that age, you don't always feel as old and wise as you thought you would. In my early 20s, I thought I'd be pretty mature and experienced by the time I hit 30. Well, I'll be 30 by the end of this year, and I feel DAMN YOUNG! I don't know nearly as much as I thought I would, and while I probably appear (to an outsider, especially a younger one) to have my life together, I know for a fact that I just put on a good show. In other words, there are many variables now that I would have never anticipated when I was younger, even if I had been able to look into the future and see my life at 30 from an outsider's point of view. Anyway, my point is that you should trust to your feelings when the time comes, not to some 'life timeline' that you've compiled. You can't predict now how you or your FH will feel about kids once you're married, or once you're any age. You can simply say, 'We'll discuss it in a year' (or whatever) and see whether you're on the same page. Having a timeline will only stress you out.

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Edited by: ArtBride on Jan 8, 2010 11:21 AM

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 11:29 AM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

DH & I were 38 and 36, respectively, when we got married. Because of our ages, we started trying about 9 months into the marriage because I wanted some time just by ourselves, too. By the time we'd started trying, we'd been together a little more than 2 years.

If we'd been a few years younger, I probably would have wanted to wait a full year or two so we could get other stuff done and out of our system, mainly a couple of trips we'd really like to do that won't work too well with a kid involved (like a days-long backpacking trip in a national park in South America).

If I were in your position, I'd still want to wait a couple of years before kids, but obviously you'd have to get your FH on board with that! Maybe you should think about EXACTLY what are some things you'd like to do before the kids come along, set a goal or two for yourself, and then when you start trying for kids later you'll be able to feel good that you at least did those things. Because (and I'm sure you've heard this before) it's possible you'll never feel like you've done everything you wanted to do pre-kids.

Of course, the advantage to starting on them early is that you'll have them out of the house sooner and theoretically be able to enjoy lots of child-free years after you've built up enough income to really enjoy it...

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 11:29 AM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

Congrats on your engagement! I must say there is no right or wrong amount of time to wait to have kids. It is an individual decision only you and your FH can make. Back in my Grandmother's day, you got married and then babies just came when they came! Now we are modern women and we have more control over when we have children. But my advice is not to let that modern control to get in the way of what should happen naturally. That doesn't mean it isn't a good thing to plan. It certainly is. But I am one of these people who believe that children are blessings from God and when it is time, you will know.

That being said, I do think a newly married couple should have some time to be a couple before having kids. I just think you need that time. Not everyone gets that, but if you can wait a year or so... I think it is a good idea.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

I'm 28 years old, when I get married I will be 29. FH and I have NO desire to have children any time soon. I plan on having my first and only kid at around age 35ish. I want to live life first and not be tied down with an ankle biter lol. I don't really like kids so who knows if I will have any. But if I do I will wait until my mid 30's. I want to finish my Masters degree, get a house, and be 100% sure that we can afford another human being. Women now even have them in their early 40's and the baby turns out healthy. It really depends on every women when they are ready to have children. Just don't feel rushed because you may regret it later. You are still young.
                           
  

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 3:47 PM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

Ladies,

There are a lot of pros and cons to having kids sooner or later in live. If children come sooner, you have more physical energy to deal with them. Your body "snaps back" into shape faster. You will have adult children while you are still young, and able to enjoy your mid-life freedom.

If children come later, you are most likely financially and emotionally stable. You've gone through those difficult adjustment years of marriage. You might own a house. You are more advanced in career paths, and might have the ability to take time off, either a few days at a time or a few years. However, you will be dealing with teenagers and paying for college well into your 50s.

There is one big Joker card in the deck: Illness, injury or an early menopause might make "later" very difficult or impossible. Any of us could be diagnosed with cancer, for example Fertility can decrease as you get older. One of my friends started menopause at 32, and was totally done by 35. (Grrr... here I am at almost 56 and still getting my @#$@$# period.)

Finally, I had to snicker at one of the PP who said she plans to have an only child. I did, too. Seriously. No where in my life plan did I expect to conceive twins.

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 8:03 PM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

Like PPs have said, it's completely up to you and your DH and when you feel you are ready to have children. The night we got engaged my grandmother told us not to have children right away, because once you have them, you have them for life. Alot of my friends have--either accidentally or on purpose--gotten pregnant within months of getting married and I felt like they were all kindof putting the pressure on DH and I to get to popping them out too.

DH and I have decided to wait about 2 or three years because we want to have a strong marriage to bring children into and we want to have some fun in our newlywed years. It's nice to be able to go to a movie spontaneously or go camping spur of the moment. We drove 10 hours last weekend to go to a friend's wedding; there's no way we'll be able to do that when we have kids. So right now we're having fun and saving money and just enjoying each other. It's up to you really, it's your life and future, you and DH have to make those decisions. Good luck and happy planning!

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 9:07 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Haha Aunt funny you mentioned twins. When I was younger I wanted twins! Now not so much anymore. Also, that scared me about your friend hitting menopause in her early 30's, wow! I hope that doesn't happen to me.
                           
  

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 9, 2010 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

I got married about a year and a half ago. I just turned 35 this past December, so as we want kids we are going to start trying soon. We've been together for over 7 years so I'm not as concerned about not being married for too long - and then with the age issue (I won't have kids after I'm 40) - I know we need to start trying now.

But everyone's situation is different. You have to figure out what works for you and your DH.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 9, 2010 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Dear CA,

"Also, that scared me about your friend hitting menopause in her early 30's, wow!"

It's not common, but can happen. Besides that, cancer or other illness can come without any warning, and SNAP! your childbearing years are over.

I don't mean to scare anyone into having children before they are ready. It's just part of the overall equation. In other words, there's no one "right" time to have children. Many women wait until later in life, and everything is fine.

When you are young, it's easy to think you have plenty of time. Yes, you do, but there might be "issues" lurking in the future. Don't wait too long.

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lovey80 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 9, 2010 10:06 PM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

I am getting married this summer and we plan on waiting at least a year before trying to have a child. I will be thirty when we get married and I don't want to wait too long because the chances of having a complicated birth or having an unhealthy baby increase by 60% once you're over the age of 35. That doesn't give us much time and i'd like to try to have our children before then.

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Nicnak Posts : 27 Registered: 12/26/09
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 9, 2010 10:23 PM Go to message in response to: lovey80

My FH and I have a daughter together. We both love kids, but we didnt plan her! haha She is the best "opps" to ever happen in our life! I swear god works in weird ways, I had her August 2009 and my FH's brother died in a car accident in September 2009. She was like a gift from god. She got us all through this terriable accident that should of never happened. So I say let god make that decision. When it happenes it happenes and that child is ment to be here. Yes, sometimes we think wow it would of been nice to of been married a couple of years before we had kids but she has made our life so much more fun and brought us together in a way only parents can feel. You will fall in love with "the father of your child" is amazing. We still do so much even though we have a baby. We bring her everywhere with us and I'm with her 24/7. I'm 22 so I can deal with the stress and the "craziness" so easy.

 Our beautiful daughter, Jaylynn!

 

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coleapril87 Posts : 24 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 10, 2010 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: Nicnak

I appreciate all the advice, me and my future husband have been living together for a year now and by the time the actual wedding happens it will be about 3 years that we've lived together, we've been dating for 2 years. I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting til your 30 or older it wasn't meant in anyway rude or to put down ladies in their 30s or older. I said before 30 because I want to be young enough to enjoy my children and mainly just be able to keep up with them. My parents had me young and so did my fh's parents. They are some of my best friends now, and they'll be young enough to really enjoy our children. I do plan to wait at least a year, because in all honesty we're practically married now so I don't think much will change in a year of marriage but I do want us to be completely ready, I told fh if we don't have our own house when we're ready to try and have a baby then we won't try, I want my child to come home to it's home not its rent house. More than anything I just kinda wanted to hear everyone's thoughts, so many girls I graduated with already have kids and some within months of getting married and I constantly hear that we need to get in gear and get married and have a family. I'm not one to second guess myself but in a small town we're everyone says the samething everyday its hard to keep reminding yourself that your doing what's best for you. I honestly have no doubts about fh abilities to be a great dad, he's just like his dad and his dad's been a great dad to me. So thank you to all you ladies. I love this site!

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 12, 2010 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: coleapril87

It seems to be the trend in my social circle that you get married and give birth around your 2 yr anniversary. I'm not down with all that. That means you got a good 12-18 months of marriage which doesn't seem like enough to me. That's my opinion anyway. The 2nd yr of marriage for us was the hardest in our whole 5 yr relationship. And a baby would have made matters worse!

Anyway everyone's timing with this is personal. We've been married for over 2 yrs and just started TTC. So if we did concieve, we'd have a baby around our 3 yr anniversary which for us is perfect. But maybe someone's perfect timing is to start TTC on the honeymoon.

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: How long to wait to have children
Posted: Jan 18, 2010 9:37 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

DH and I have been married for 18 months now and we don't plan on starting our family any time soon! We have a pretty significant amount of debt in student loans and car loans at the moment that we would like to get rid of before we start TTC. In addition to that, though, we really don't feel ready for kids at this point in our lives. We want to be young, but not as young as we are right now. So we're planning on being married for about 5 years before we start TTC.

But...thats just how we want to do things. We have plenty of friends who are having kids right now, and yeah, I'd love to have our kids around the same time. But ultimately, what will be best for us in the long run is to wait.

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