Any Age Differences?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 10:18 AM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

Can I ask an honest question of the "older" half of the couples? I only ask this b/c my sister married a man who is 7 yrs old than her when she was 23 and I always wonder this. Do you, as the "older" one, feel like you are "robbing" the younger one of life experiences?

I am just wondering because I know, from my own experiences, in my early 20's I went through SO much--good and bad. And I believe those experiences made me who I am today, which is a COMPLETELY different person. And I am not sure I could have had those experiences being "settled" down. I wouldnt have been able to job jump, or drop in and out of school. I would have to help pay bills and stick with ONE thing. I think in your early 20s you should be able to kinda "float" around until you get the hang of life instead of being tied to another person. Even now at almost 29, I sometimes can't handle being tied down and I'm way more mature than I Was back in the day.

Also I know a guy who is 22 and is extremely mature too. He was raised really well by great parents, goes to school, pays for it himself, pays bills, what have you. However talking to him sometimes, I know he doesn't really know what life is about yet. He still tends to play the blame game and not take responsibilty for certain things, and doesn't realize that grown ups have to own up to things. That's just an example but I think that's EXACTLY what the brain of a 22 yr old is....we were ALL there thinking those things at that age. And I think it's something people need to figure out for themselves.

So anyway, sometimes I think it was unfair of my BIL to rob my sister of certain experiences by marrying her. He got to have all these life experiences and she got married right out of college and had a baby and now thats it. I view it as a tad selfish on the older person's part like "I went through my early 20s independent and free and now I want YOU to settle down with me"

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 10:35 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

NJ, that's what I felt when my 22 year old friend started dating a 39 year old man. But even she says now (and they are happilly married with two small children) that she wishes she had dated more and done more things before meeting him. But this was the guy for her, and that was that.

The OP is 26. Her FH is 19. They've been dating for three years. I can see what a 26 year old would want with a 19 (sorta) but for the life of me, I have no idea what a 23 year old woman would want from a 16 year old kid. And I especially do not understand why such a young woman would want to risk a criminal conviction (assuming they had sex while he was under 18, she was committing statutory rape under Tennessee law).

But that's for another discussion. Carry on.

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I am 23 almost 24 and my DH is 31 almost 32. We have never been given any weird looks or asked why we were together. It could have a lot to do with my being so mature, and really wanting nothing to do with being in my 20's. All my friends now seem to be in their 30's, or late 20's at the youngest. So NJ I can answer your question as an outside source for the younger half in a relationship.... I do not feel like I was robbed of being young, or that my DH was being selfish in being with me, and asking me to settle down with him. I went through a short peirod of being young, and floating through life, and I hated it. I personally have always wanted to settle down. So there was never any problem there. I was engaged before I met my DH, and I did feel to young to settle down, I was a senior in high school, the guy had been done with high school for a few years (he was 3 years older than me, and graduated early) I had no idea what I wanted out of life, where I wanted to go to school, if I wanted to go to school, and if so what for. I wanted to have fun with my friends, and try and figure everything out. I had a job I loved, and knew I wanted to keep it for a while. While I wanted to have fun, I also wanted to be mature, and never really wanted to party. My ex, always wanted to party, and couldn't hold down a job. As much as I wasn't ready to commit to being married at that point, I wanted to feel like an adult, who could have fun. Once I met my DH he was in the same place in life as I was. He had done his crazy parting, and being young, I did as much as I wanted to. We both wanted someone to be with and trust, and love. We both were ready to get married. I have no regrets settling down with my DH. I do on accosion day dream of what it would be like to have dated more, and I think about a guy who kind of got away, and what it would be like to be with him, date him, go see his band play, do that kind of thing, but then I realize, I wouldn't enjoy it. I hate when I always hear people say your so young, you should enjoy life. I do enjoy life, and just because I may physically be young, it does not mean mentally I am. And I am sure I am not the only who feels that way....

And this got much longer than I intended it to, sorry.


 

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April2010Bride Posts : 134 Registered: 4/26/09
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

NJ -

I don't feel like I'm robbing FH of anything. Like another poster stated, he's in this relationship willingly. I never forced him to love me. We both have friends, outside of the relationship, and spend time with them. Neither of us have children, and are in no hurry to have any, so there are no bars holding us back. Marriage doesn't constitute a death sentence to one's fun in life.

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: April2010Bride

My FH has ask me a number of times if I will regret getting married to an older guy (26, 33). He feels like he had his 20's to play and date where as I have been with him since I was 23. Honestly who know if I will regret it. I don't think I will. I have traveled, I went to college, I lived on my own. I guess when you meet the right one you just have to take that chance.

Still I am a bit confused by the 23 year old dating the 16 year old. I dated a 21 year old when I was 16 and looking back I think that was kind of creepy.
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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I can see what a 26 year old would want with a 19 (sorta) but for the life of me, I have no idea what a 23 year old woman would want from a 16 year old kid. And I especially do not understand why such a young woman would want to risk a criminal conviction (assuming they had sex while he was under 18, she was committing statutory rape under Tennessee law).

MsD took the words right out of my mouth. My first thought, upon reading the OP, was 'Whew - I certainly wouldn't have risked my future to date someone that young.' My second thought was, 'At 23, I didn't have much in common with 16-year olds. Even mature 16-year olds.' But as MsD said, that's another discussion entirely. Whatever floats your boat. At least he's legal NOW.

NJ, I've had the same thought about couples with a large age gape, but as PPs have pointed out, it's not as though the younger party was forced into the relationship. I know some people, like MsD's friend, who have felt that way after the fact, but hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

Back to the original question, we are just over a year apart, so no huge age difference here, though we look much further apart in age than we are. I've never heard a negative comment from anyone, though - probably because people realize quickly when I open my mouth that I'm older than they assumed.

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JessyNChris Posts : 120 Registered: 4/3/08
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

My fiance and I have an age difference.I am 29 years old, and he is 34 years old. We have been together for over 10 years. We didn't really have a problem with our ages. He didn't drink in front of me when I was underaged, and he wouldn't drink unless I would when I became 21.
When you get over 18, age shouldn't be an issue.
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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 6, 2010 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: NatashaAB

My fiance is 15 years older than I am. We have two little boys together already.

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FmF Posts : 106 Registered: 8/19/09
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

my fh is 10 years older than me. i just turned 21 last month and my fh is 31. he'll be 32 when we get married

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InLoveWDRM Posts : 52 Registered: 12/3/09
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: FmF

And I knew there would be a few people that would speak out on this and if you want you can directly message me. Now as I said before we did not have sex with him being underage and also i dont know of anyone that has said they were with a 15 year old. My FH is now 19 and I was in a committed relationship when i was 17 until I was 23. I did not feel the need to go out and party or date around or drop in and out of school. Ive never been perfect but I am extremely happy now and he is too. He know that I would not rush him into anything and he won't rush me. He is in college and that is why we are waiting until he graduates and I will be at the same time because Ive went back to school. He doesn't want to "jump around jobs" he has a career goal in mind and that is what he wants to do. Which he has known for a while. You can be married/committed to someone and still do things with friends and have fun. The post that bothered me was "I know what anyone would want with a 19 year old" actually you don't unless you are in that situation. I did not come on here to get bashed or ask anyone's opinion as to what they think of my relationship I asked if there was anyone that had an age difference. Also, both of our families get along great, we are both accepted and I go on family vacations and trips when a large group of their family gets together. This is a place for us all to support each other and give each other advice. But it does not matter what anyone says about my relationship because each one is different. I had a talk with my grandmother who said that she is 12 years older than my grandfather and they are still together, my uncle married his wife when she was 16 and he was 24, I was like whoooaaa. Really? lol. Either way my FH has a great head on his shoulders, there are men my age that arent ready to settle down and that is what I mean by everyone is different. We will share life experiences together, i have never been to a bar,club etc nor have I ever wanted to go. We both share that, we prefer to do things together and with friends, we don't drink or do drugs we just ride 4wheelers, have dates with friends and travel places together,. We have a great RELATIONSHIP. I am sorry for those that can't accept it but the thing is you don't have to. I'm not on here to judge anyone's marriage/relationship. I just wanted to see who else had an age difference. LOL

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InLoveWDRM Posts : 52 Registered: 12/3/09
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

and in response to MsD it is statutory rape as we most know BUT his parents would have to want to pursue that and they didn't. as I said before both families realize that we were going to do what we wanted. During the first year he was turning 17 and we hardly seen each other so we didn't have sex nor did we make anything official we just knew we wanted to be together and when he got out of high school that is when it became more serious. But as Ive mentioned you would have to know the whole situation and for some people to just assume things is ridiculous, not everything is about just getting into someone's pants. Also, no i dont feel like I am robbing him of anything, HE asked ME to marry him. I told him it would be in 2011 so he could finish school and me as well and actually be ready. I never wanted to wait this late to have children, I wanted to be a young grandparent and actually do alot of things with my children but I have waited for him. Now I have had two miscarriages (not with my FH) So when we are ready to try then he has already looked into a dr around here he wants us to go see. He's had to help raise 4 children and he still wants his own, he will be a great dad.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

and in response to MsD it is statutory rape as we most know BUT his parents would have to want to pursue that and they didn't. as I said before both families realize that we were going to do what we wanted.

Just to clarify, it's not up to the parents to pursue a criminal conviction. While most prosecutors won't pursue one without the parent's participation, it's still the state's decision. Hell, if I were a young prosecutor looking to get some easy victories, I might have pursued you just for the hell of it, so that if I run for office one day, the more sex offenders I can say I convicted, the better.

(And again, just to re-iterate what I said earlier, this only applies if you had sex before he was 18. I can't tell from your post, and admittedly, it's none of my business.)

My point was not to really state anything about your morals -- I get the whole "to each his own" thing. Simply saying that you put yourself at risk. But I'm sure you feel he's worth it, and I sincerely hope everything works out.

As I also said in my post, my best friend fell in love at 22 with a man 17 years her senior, and now at 33 and 50, they are one of the happiest, most well-adjusted couples I know.

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InLoveWDRM Posts : 52 Registered: 12/3/09
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Agreed that a prosecutor could pursue it but i believe that there are worse things especially living in one of the state's hightest counties of drug use that we should worry about here. I also dont know that anyone would simply walk up and ask (without reason) our ages and if so we didn't have sex then so they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Actually I spoke with several police officers that I had come in contact with through business because I wanted to know the exact ages or what was considered statutory rape and they agreed that without his parents having any problems with it they didn't see why anyone would even bother messing with us. Now, granted if I was teaching and messing around with a student or someone considerably younger than 18 then of course that is different, but I can not help that our relationship got stronger and we fell in love. Again, I wasn't trying to start anything I just wanted to see the differences in ages. And to note that usually there is a double standard when the woman is older than the man. But thank you I do hope that everything works out for us, I honestly don't see myself with anyone else, I was with the same person from 17-almost 23 and never loved him like i love david. I wish you the best of luck as well. !

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 7, 2010 11:48 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

my fathers parents married when his mom was 14. I don't know how old his dad was (they really were not big on records); however, I think he was 25. Their marriage lasted for 60 years and ended only because my grandfather passed away.

ILDRM, I know you felt attacked, but the poster who commented did say she was asking an honest question because she could understand one but not the other.....I didn't view it as an attack, but a question (but I will grant this: as I was not the one being questioned, I would obviouslyy view it differently). I just didn't get the feeling like she was trying to attack (and I'm not trying to discount how you felt....you probably get this a lot from people who are not familly/close friends, so it is one of those touchy things.)


Good luck! Sounds like he's one of the rare young men who actually have managed to get their heads screwed on right at a young age....a lot of young men at 16 are (quite honestly) immature jerks who have not blossomed yet <G>.


Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Any Age Differences?
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

Now as I said before we did not have sex with him being underage and also i dont know of anyone that has said they were with a 15 year old.

Have fun getting a background investigator to believe you on that one. The fact is that you've denied yourself all sorts of opportunities that you don't even know about by being in a relationship with an underage person when you were so much older. Maybe you didn't have sex while he was underage, but if a hiring committee has to choose between a candidate with that possibility in his/her past and a candidate without, they're going with the other person.

As you say, it's your business - I just think it was a poor decision. I also think it's a poor decision to post stuff like this on a public forum in which you have a photo of yourself and your FH's full name attached to all your posts. Now, if I was a young prosecutor looking to bag sex offenders, I would simply have to do a little research to find you. But that's beside the point.

I'm glad you have a great relationship, and I know that many relationships work between people with large age differences, but I wanted to address your comment that these forums are a place for support. Sure, it's nice when we all agree, but don't expect everyone to be all sunshine and daisies all the time. When you post details of your life on a public forum, you'll get all kinds of responses - not just positive ones. Learn to take the negative as constructive criticism. Take my comments above, for example - for your own good in the future, you should consider keeping it quiet that you dated your FH when he was 16, as many people will not believe that you didn't have sex with him. Additionally, for your own safety, you should REALLY consider taking your FH's full name off your posts on an anonymous forum. I would remove the photo as well, but plenty of people don't seem to have a problem with posting photos of themselves online. Personally, however, I would not want to be fired from my job because someone identified me on a public forum and didn't like something that I was posting.

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