What Should I Do??

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cansamantha Posts : 2 Registered: 10/25/09
What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 4:37 AM

I am 20 years old and engaged. I met my fiancé about a year
and a half ago and couldn’t be happier being with any other. Unfortunately, I was
raped just one month before I met my fiancé for the first time. Throughout this
year and a half he has been extremely supportive, but there are a few things
that are beginning to worry me about getting married. Well, he doesn’t like me
seeing a counselor and believes that I can cope with the rape with his help. I know
that he has helped me immensely since we’ve met, but I also think that I do
need to continue to see a counselor in order to completely heal and understand
my feelings and emotions. Now that it’s coming down to the last few weeks of us
finally getting married, I’m really beginning to worry about our future
together. I know he will support me 110% along the way, no matter what happens
in our marriage, but I also feel scared because I don’t know if I can be there
for him the way he needs his wife to be. I have a difficult time when we are
intimate with each other because I will have random flashbacks, even if he is
being sweet and affectionate towards me (and he always is). He has respected me so much while I go through
all of these emotional rides, but how do I help him understand that this
problem will not just disappear or go away on its own? He is really the only
support I have right now besides my counselor and I just want to go into this
marriage feeling confident, in not only him, but myself as well. Please help
with advice.


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

Dear Cansa,

I am very sorry to hear of your horrible experience. My heart goes out to you.

I think you should continue to see the counselor. I say this for several reasons.

First, a counselor is trained to help people through these kinds of situations. Your boyfriend, loving and caring that he may be, is not specifically trained in counseling.

Stop and think for a minute. Doctors send their own familes, and themselves, to other doctors. They understand the need for a person who is not emotionally involved with the patient to take care of the patient's health. A doctor has to be objective. That's difficult when the patient is your own child, your own husband or your own wife. Similarly, lawyers send their own families to other lawyers. Just read the newspaper. "Joe Blow, a lawyer, has been indicted for XYZ. His lawyer, Fred Smith, told the press..." In other words even though Joe is a laywer, he hires another lawyer to take charge of his defense.

Second, no one person can "be all" to another person. Your boyfriend may be wonderful, but it is the nature of human beings to live in communities of caring other people. A baby starts out with two, not one, parents, after all. There are insights and help that your counselor can offer you that you boyfriend might now. Similarly, there are insights and help that your boyfriend has that your counselor does not have.

Someone who has been a vicitim of a sexual assault needs a great deal of help to get her life back. Having two caring people supporting you is better than having just one, wonderful though he may be.

I'm really happy that you have a found a man who is so loving and helpful. He sounds like a great guy. He can't do it alone. You can't do it alone. Getting professional help has a been help for you in the past, and at this point in your life where you are undergoing the enormous change of marriage, I strongly suggest you continue seeing the counselor.

Why not print this message out for your FH and use it as a springboard for discussion?


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: cansamantha


I wholeheartedly second AOTB's post. Also, your opinion is the most important opinion in this and I think that you FEEL you should continue so you need to do so.

Have you thought about premarital counseling too? Or at least a session with your FH?





kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

I have to agree with the others, it is in both of your best interest to say with the counseling. You are still having issues from the rape and you will for awhile. Your guy may be supportive but there are things he is not going to understand or be equipped to handle.

In your heart you feel the need for the continued help, go with that.




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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

Congrats on finding such a wonderful, supportive man. Men are "fixers".. or at least they want to be fixers. The sink is leaking, they fix it. The car breaks down, they fix it. And some men feel like they are not doing their job if they can't fix everything, including the tragic, horrible thing that has happened to you.

I happen to be a counselor, and I can tell you that therapy is the best gift you can give yourself. Your FH may feel a little jealous of the counseling relationship you have, like "what does the counselor give her that I can't? Why can't I be enough?" But what he doesn't understand is that sometimes the ones we are closest too are the last ones who can help us. And we counselors go through many years of school, take lots of hard exams, and spend years of practice to be good at what we do. I can promise you that you are doing the right thing going to counseling, especially if you feel it is helping you. I am assuming you feel comfortable with your therapist and feel it is helping?

Have a talk with your FH and tell him that you know he must feel frustrated at times because he can't make everything okay. Let him know that it may take a long time for you to be "okay". Tell him that he helps you more than he could ever know, but you also need to take care of yourself by getting professional help. Would he feel better if he went to one session with you so he could meet your counselor and see that it isn't so scary? A lot of times people think counseling is this very weird scary thing when it is actually just two people talking. Maybe if he knew it wasn't hocus pocus he would feel more comfortable.

He must be going through a lot too. It would be very good if the two of you could do pre-marital counseling together. I suggest it for all couples. I think it would be especially helpful for you.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer






lesasue86 Posts : 75 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 27, 2009 6:29 AM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

I am so sorry for what happened to you. You have got the most loveliest guy, not only does he know about your rape but he has supported you so much. I think you should go and marry him as soon as possible and once you start a family you will forget all about that incident.
pearl jewelry store


SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 29, 2009 8:51 PM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

If you feel as though you need to stay in counseling, then you should stay in counseling. I also second Francie's suggestion of having your FH attend a session or meeting with your counselor if you would feel comfortable with it. The counselor could explain to FH how important the counseling is to your healing process, etc... (basically the same stuff you're trying to convey to him, but from a professional standpoint). If he is as supportive as you say he is, then he shouldn't have issues with you wishing to maintain a healthy well-being.


"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 29, 2009 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: lesasue86

am so sorry for what happened to you. You have got the most loveliest guy, not only does he know about your rape but he has supported you so much. I think you should go and marry him as soon as possible and once you start a family you will forget all about that incident.
pearl jewelry store

What??? So not only are you a tacky vendor hawking your product with a link at the bottom of your phony caring post, but your advice is absolutely terrible!!!! Go out and marry the guy as soon as possible and start a family to FORGET all about the rape? What??? Seriously , get a clue. This is not at all helpful and a completely moronic thing to tell someone who has been through a horrific trauma such as this. You are an idiot.

To the OP: My heart goes out to you. As a person who has gone through and survived a rape myself, I can tell you honestly that you never forget it. Yes, you move on. And yes, you can live a normal and happy life. But it takes time. A lot of time. And there may always be things that bring you flashbacks or memories for you. For me, its been over 10 years, and although most times Im absolutely fine, there are moments where I get scared or feel unsafe. Sometimes the feelings are logical, other times not. My husband is amazing and patient and wonderful. He listens when I need him to, talks when I want him to. More importantly, he knows that he isnt a professional rape counselor, and that I need to also talk with someone who is. I did that years ago, and he supported that 100%. Your guy sounds understanding, but the fact that he doesnt want you to see your counselor anymore worries me. I think you need to explain to him that this is something you NEED in order to continue your journey of getting well and healthy again. Tell him that this type of thing does not magically go away one day, and that its something that will take time. He really needs to understand this, and to support you however you decide to deal with it.

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SoontobeMrsGlover Posts : 79 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 7:22 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Everyone already gave you such wonderful advice. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrific experience in your life, and to the others with the same experiences as well. I can only imagine the daily struggles that you face. But congratulations on being so strong and moving forward with your life.Congraulations on your upcoming wedding and I truly wish you the most happiness on your wedding day and in your marriage.


cansamantha Posts : 2 Registered: 10/25/09
Re: What Should I Do??
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 3:54 AM Go to message in response to: cansamantha

to all for your support and helpful advice. I have talked to my FH about how I
have been feeling about this whole situation and he is once again trying his
best to be supportive. He has agreed to come to a counseling session with me to
try to help him understand better. I have been blessed with such an amazing and
wonderful man =). Once again I thank
everyone for their time and help.

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