Flower girl nephew

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mskandi Posts : 3 Registered: 10/19/09
Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 7:46 PM

Hi All,
I've read posts on here for a while and found a lot of very helpful information but this is my first post so I hope I can get a little feedback, experience, and/or insight about having a flower girl for my wedding.
I've searched the forums and I'm in a similar situation to others where none of my family or really close friends have any girls. My younger brother (we're really close) and my sister-in-law have two boys, 8 and 6. I always pictured having a flower girl and even picked out the prefect dress when I was searching for my gown, but was resigned to the fact that I'll have to do without a flower girl and just figure out how to get the two boys involved.
I didn't really think of this until this weekend when my SIL asked me to come over and check out the boys Halloween costumes. She had them trying on their costumes, the oldest in his Pee-Wee football uniform and the youngest as a cheerleader. I have to say he looked adorable and was having so much fun shaking his pom pons and even did a little cheer that she taught him.
So after I got back home I started thinking if anyone has ever used a boy for their flower girl and should I even ask them to see if they would consider it?
I did try researching it and did find a few instances of this but nothing too specific.
Thanks in advance for your help,
Flower Girl'less' in Seattle

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 9:00 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

I don't know. It's one of those things where I think you could ask a girl to be a ring bearer, but I don't know that you could do a flower boy. And I'm pretty liberal.

If you really want this, then talk to the boy's mother AND father about this in depth. Understand that if he tells his friends he is in a wedding, they will assume he's ring bearer...and might tease him for taking on the girl's part.

Even the way you phrased this really feels like he's a stand in for the girl, not that you want this kid in the wedding and are trying to find a place for HIM. You're trying to find a substitute for a flower girl because it is more important to you to have a flower girl than to consider the possible role confusion that your decision will put on him.

Had you said "Flower boy" instead of "Flower girl nephew", I might have had a different response to this. But you're doing this because you insist on having a flower girl and have picked out super cute outfits. What scares me even more is that you thought of this BECAUSE of the Halloween costume of cheerleeder, like you're considering sticking him in the dress.

Who are you considering? Your needs or the child's needs. Sounds to me like it is only yours. I'd personally be against it if I were the boy's mom.

Misty

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Dear Kandi,

There are plenty of male cheerleaders, so I don't think the kid is going transvestite. A Halloween costume is way different from real life. My husband has been known to put on a dress for Halloween, but he wouldn't be caught dead in one anywhere else.

My opinion, speaking as the mother of two sons, is that asking a little boy to be a "flower boy" is not a good idea. The poor kid will get teased about it forever, and I'm 100% positive neither of my sons would be thrilled with the idea of photos around the house of a "flower boy". In fact, they might burn the house down just to insure that all "flower boy" photos were permanently destroyed. I'm kidding about the arson. Not kidding about the motives.

The reason people have flower girls and ring bearers is to give a job to young, cute members of the family. If you don't have a young girl close family member, nor friend's daughter, then you don't have a flower girl.

Make the two little boys co-ring bearers. One carries the bride's ring. The other carries the groom's ring.

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SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 9:20 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

I second Aunt's suggestion of having the two boys be co-ring bearers.

 

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 10:38 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Co ring bearers. It's still super cute. I've seen it before and it's adorable espically if they have that natural competiteveness (sp?) between them. I saw brothers trying to see who could hold the ring higher while presenting them. If you want a flower girl that badly, you could always try putting an add in the paper.
CoolStick your head out the window and smile for a satellite picture!Tongue out

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SoontobeMrsGlover Posts : 79 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 11:25 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

I agree with everyone, don't do that to a little boy. The beauty of modern weddings today, is that there are no hard fast rules as to what you have to do or not. You don't have to have a flower girl. This just may be one of those things about your wedding that you have to bend on, and still know that it will be perfect in its own way. However, there are plenty of child actors out there if you wanted one that desperately. Also, although I love the idea of having two ring bearers, another option is to have the older boy be a Jr. Groomsmen, or help to hand out the programs. Make him the important part of your wedding not the role.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 8:38 AM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Hey, if one of the boys doesn't mind tossing pettles, go for it - but don't make him wear a dress! If you go this route, he should be dressed the same as the ring bearer. Give him a masculine-looking (i.e. not covered with pink ribbon. A plain basket will do) basket and some rose petals. I would talk to his parents beforehand and make sure they're Ok with the idea (my BIL absolutely would not be) - and then talk to the little boy and see if he's Ok with it. Then stay flexible. If the little guy decides five minutes before the wedding that his job is too girly, don't make him do it.

Personally, I like the idea of co-ring bearers better than the idea of a flower boy. Or you could think outside the box and invent a new job that would be appropriate for either sex. A friend of mine had several small nieces and nephews and asked them all to be 'bubble kids.' I've also heard of young kids ringing small bells to announce the bride's arrival. Something like that would be appropriate for either sex - but don't put boys in a dress.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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SoontobeMrsGlover Posts : 79 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 12:14 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I never heard of "Bubble Kids." I love that idea. I just may have to steal that idea for my own wedding. Thanks for the insight.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Are you serious??? You want the little "Flower Transvestite" in your wedding pictures for life? When he grows up, he'll probably try to seek out and destroy your wedding albums. No, find another role, or at least another title for the boy. And put him in pants!
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Do you really NEED a flower girl or anyone to throw petals down? I think of all the weddings I went to over the yrs, I've been to one with a flower girl. If you don't have any close little girls then don't have one. Ring bearers is a good idea if you really want to include them. Or they can handout bubbles after or something.

I'll tell you, ever since my neice was baptized and the subject of baptisms has come up in our family, DH found out he wore a "gown" to his & he is ashamed! LOL. He doesnt even remember it but is embarassed his mother put him in a "dress". Now mind you, 30 yrs ago they didnt have little suits for boys, every baby wore a gown of sorts.

Also, if my SIL came up to us and said "can i dress your son in a little dress and have him throw petals down?" my DH would throw a FIT.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

I would have both of your nephews be ring bearers. That is exactly what we did. If this is an actual serious thread and not a joke, I don't think giving him the role of a "flower girl" is a good idea. We didn't have any nieces and our friends's daughter was too young to be a flower girl, so we just didn't have one. Trust me...no one is going to gasp if you don't have one. I've been at weddings where there was neither a ring bearer or a flower girl and I didn't even notice it until the bride mentioned it to me later on.





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mskandi Posts : 3 Registered: 10/19/09
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 7:00 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Thanks to each of you for taking the time to respond. I apologize if my original post wasn't as in-depth as I could have made it but I was trying to be somewhat succinct so I left out a lot of additional detail...like I said, it was my first time writing for information.
As for the boys, there wasn't any question as to having both involved in the wedding so the "two ring bearer (or attendant)" idea was already in the plan. I was just inquiring about the idea that came to mind and wanted to reach out to a greater community to see if the subject had ever been encountered and if so find out additional details. I've seen comments about boy bridesmaids, girl groomsmen and so on, so I thought it was worth asking...he sure seems to really like his costume and there will be lots of pictures of that...

Finally, sorry to those that seemed to get a little ‘riled' up about my question...definitely not my intent.

Thanks again.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 8:30 PM Go to message in response to: mskandi

Dear Kandi,

"I've seen comments about boy bridesmaids, girl groomsmen and so on, so I thought it was worth asking..."

But these people, like male college cheerleaders, are adults who make their own decisions. Besides, the male bridesmaid and the female groomsman does not go transvestite. The male would wear a nice suit or tux to cooridinate with the bridesmaids. The female would wear a dress that coordinates with the groomsmen.

Little kids don't have a choice. They do what their parents tell them to do. Then, they go the rest of their lives cringing at the thought of Mom or Dad bringing out the Flower Boy photos when they hit their mid-teenaged years. I cannot think of anything worse. Even the bare butt baby photos would be better than Our Son The Flower Boy.

As I said, there's a huge difference between a kid wearing a Halloween costume and a kid wearing inappropriate clothing or in an inappropriate job at a formal event.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 9:07 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

As I said, there's a huge difference between a kid wearing a Halloween
costume and a kid wearing inappropriate clothing or in an inappropriate
job at a formal event.


I agree with this wholeheartedly.

While I was a female groomsman and others were male bridesman - we didn't cross dress. That's ridiculous if it's not what you do.

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Flower girl nephew
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 9:28 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

In addition, a male bridesmaid or a female groomsman is actually chosen for the relationship that he or she has with the bride or the groom. Having a man stand on the bride's side, or a woman on the groom's is not UNcommon, but it is also not common. It is not something a bride or groom does to be different. It is something he or she does because this person is someone who is very important, and who they want standing beside them on their wedding day.

I had a male bridesman the first time I got married. He wore a black tux with royal blue cumberbund and royal blue bow tie. The grooms side had white jackets and black pants...so my guy definitely looked different, but he was in a tux. My DH had asked a woman to be on his side...she was to wear a black dress, rather similar to my bridesmaids. She would have had a corsage instead of a bout. She had to drop out, due to the economy/job situation ... but still.

These were people who were important to us. I didn't ask Tony just so I could have a man stand up for me. DH didn't ask Cynthia so he'd have a female on his side.

It's about the relationship that the people have with the bride/groom.

The position of Ring Bearer and Flower Girl really is not about the relationship with the bride or the groom. It is all about a task that is appropriate for a child in a wedding. And there are specific gender roles here.

The flower girl carries the flowers....because bridesmaids carry flowers.

The ring bearer does the rings, because the best man has the rings.

At that age, we assign specific things to them. And we do not try to confuse them about things until they have the chance to explore their gender identity on their own--then we respect the gender identity they embrace. But we do not assign a 'girl task' (flower girl) to a six year old boy. Even giving him a masculine basket to throw the petals down with, it's still a thing that LITTLE GIRLS want to do and LITTLE BOYS do not. Little girls are excited about being flower girls. Little boys probably don't give a rat about being a ring bearer, but they know that the flower spot is a GIRLS thing.


Adults, we can assign different things to because their identity is set and they are secure in themselves. They can say "yes, I'll stand on the opposite side". A little boy isn't going to feel that kind of security....and even if he does today, when his friends find out he was a flower boy? They're gonna open up a can of whoopa$$ on him.


Misty

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