Another sex thread from me

Online Users: 1,338 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 15


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 2, 2009 7:58 PM

Also stolen from another forum.
This is more for those who plan to have children or already have children..if you aren't one of those, feel free to answer as a hypothetical

1. When do you plan to talk to your kids about sex?
2. What will you teach them?
3. What are you feelings about birth control? (would you take your kid to the doctor when they hit a certain age? Wait, but encourage them to talk to you? Feel too comfortable and ignore it? )
4. Any "common mistakes" you feel are a problem with youth today re: sex?

My answers:

1. I don't know when I'll FIRST talk to my kids about sex ( would depend on their maturity...probably as soon as I think they can handle it...definitely if they are going through puberty) but will probably start to really encourage discussions just before they start high school...and hopefully have frequent conversations, not a one-time deal.

2. Aside from the emotional involvement, the physical risks, that nothing is 100% effective over pregnancy or diseases...also I would encourage them to hold off until they are done high school, but that I would not think less of them if they did not wait, but I would like them to talk to me about it beforehand (HA - how likely do you think they are to follow through on that one?)

3. I kinda don't like the idea of saying "You're __ years old now, time for the pill" (with my girl), although I see why some people do that. Maybe just see what types of relationships she's in as a teen and go from there. For boys, I love the idea of a "condom jar" you keep in the bathroom or whatever, and they are free to take them whenever (avoids the "I'm too embarassed to buy them at a store" and the consequences that could stem from that)

4. Abstinence-only education, I think is a big problem. There is nothing wrong with ENCOURAGING abstinence, of course, but you need to teach them how to be safe just in case.

I also think it's a problem when parents refuse to help their children get on birth control (or buy condoms) because of the mindset "If they're old enough to have sex, they're old enough to buy their own birth control". While I agree with the statement as a statement, the reality is, sex and maturity don't always go hand in hand.

I'd rather help my teenager buy condoms than buy pregnancy tests. Or penicillin to cure their syphillus.

Another big problem is that too many teens seem to only be concerned with PREGNANCY prevention, not STD-prevention. So that is something I plan to really focus on with my child.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 2, 2009 8:17 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I wrote a blog about teens and sex (talking to your kids about sex) etc. a few months ago. You can check it out at http://www.justaskfrancie.wordpress.com

I have raised teens and I have counseled teens. I have several parenting articles on the blog so I hope you find them useful. Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 2, 2009 11:12 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

I can tell you what I DID do, not what I plan to do. My sons are both adults, now.

1. I started talking to them about sex from the time they were little boys. I am a broken record on this subject, but I'll just repeat what I've said. Sex is a part of Life. We taught our children about sex in an age-appropriate way just as we taught them in an age-appropriate way about money, school, body changes, future careers, how to not hit your brother, and all the other important things.

For a three-year old, saying "Babies grow in Mommy's tummy until they are born. Have you seen Mrs Smith lately? She has a baby in her tummy right now." is enough.

For a five-year old, you might say "Babies have a Mom and a Dad. The baby was started by the Mom and the Dad, then it grew in Mom's tummy until it was ready to be born."

And so on. It's like teaching them about money. What you say to a three-year old is basic. "You have this quarter. You can buy either a candy bar or a popsicle but not both." At five, they are ready for an allowance, but associated responsibilities around the house.

2. Basically, the truth. It's like anything else. It's enjoyable. It's a grownup activity, for grownups and not for children. Think of other things grownups get to do, but kids don't, like driving a car, voting in elections, and so forth and so forth. There are risks and responsibilities associated with engaging in sex, just as there are risks and responsibilities associated with driving a car or voting in an election.

3. My niece was already on the b/c pill when she came to live with us. She had bad menstrual cramps, and the pill helped. Same thing was true when I was her age, so I completely understood. My husband saw that our boys had access to condoms.

We tried to convince them to hold off on sex until after 18. I don't know for a fact, but I'm pretty sure one did and one did not. (Happy-go-lucky Son vs Serious Son). It's their business. I'm virtually positive my niece held out until 18, although she could have been telling me what I wanted to hear.

Going back to my sons: It makes no sense telling someone "wait until marriage" when the people involved have no desire to get married. My sons both profess an allergy to marriage. They have zero motivation to wait for something that they believe will never take place.

4. My boys would have laughed themselves silly (especially one!) if we encouraged abstinence. A more realistic approach was to encourage them to wait until 18.


As I said before, teaching children about sex is just like teaching them about anything else. You start when they are young. You use age-appropriate methods. It is exactly the same as teaching them about finance, driving a car ("Hey! What does that say? S-T-O-P?"), going to college, preparing for a career or anything that adults get to do.

You don't just "spring" it on them. ("Hey, kid, now that you're 18, you need to know that you will have to earn your own living once you leave our house." "Dad, you're KIDDING! I've been under the impression that you would pay my way for the rest of my life.")

You teach children bit by bit as they grow up.


Added later: People often ask me when my parents told me I was adopted. I answer the same way I did above. It was bit by bit as I grew up and my ability to understand increased with age. I've always known I was adopted, just as I've always known I was a girl or always known that Mommy and Daddy loved me. It was part of life, my life. They did not just sit me down at 18 and say "You're adopted.". I probably would have guessed, by then, anyway. I don't look anything like my parents.

Reply


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 3, 2009 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks for your replies.

Aunt, what you described is pretty much what I want to do (re: age appropriateness). It's not practical to get graphic with a three-year-old - they won't understand. But it also doesn't have to be ignore just because they're young.

I know it's stupid and unfair, but I would probably worry more about a daughter than a son having sex early. Not because of pregnancy (because I firmly believe that young men need to step up to the plate with pregnancy too) but because as a generalization (obviuosly not always true) I think females are more emotional about sex, and might be more likely to get hurt, feel regret, etc.

But if I end up having another child and it's a boy, I'll really work on that. I don't like inequalities based on gender.

Re: adoption - almost every adopted person I know has just "always known" that they are adopted. I firmly believe this is the way to go. I think it would be traumatizing finding out at age 13!!!
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 3, 2009 9:16 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

" I think females are more emotional about sex, and might be more likely to get hurt, feel regret, etc."

Generalizations are OK until you are talking about your specific kid.

Right now in your life, all is theory. Wait until your kid develops more of a personality. Then, use age-appropriate and personality-appropriate ways of teaching life skills.

Parent the kid you have, not the kid you want.

I have identical twins, but one boy is more sensitive than the other. They needed different parenting approaches. With one, a cross look was enough. The other needed to be hit by a two-by-four just to get his attention. (No actual children were harmed.)

Reply


Soon2BAPrice Posts : 50 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 4, 2009 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

{color:#3366ff}1. When do you plan to talk to your kids about sex?
i really don't know. i imagine as they start to ask, but i'm not going to lie. at the same time, it's a little complicated for us. my son is just about to be 1, so i've got some time. fh's son is almost 6, and he knows about the "babies grow in tummies" idea. but then my stepdaughter, is where the complications start. please no one think i'm being mean, but her mom(fh's 1st wife) was having sex at 13, and her own mother taught her how to snort pills at 12. so on one end, i feel to an extent that it is not my direct responsibility nor right to teach her about sex, but at the same time, fh, me and his mom are all quite worried what will happen if her mom/granny teach her. that being said, she likes to wear skirts, but doesn't catch the whole "goodies" thing. FMIL and i have both told her, and spoken to her, about why she can't have her legs open wearing skirts/dresses. also, why she can't always act like a boy. not just that, but her mom buys her super ultra low riding jeans, and belly shirts. she's 8 1/2! and FMIL and i are trying to explain to her that while it might be cute on a hanger, or another girl(older, specifically), that how she dresses, and portrays herself, is how boys will portray her as well. fh is from a town where you do 5 things in life. drugs(and prostitution more or less is associated), nursing, housewife, jail, or coal mining...3 of those are fairly good options, in the right cirumstances. FMIL is religious, but not to the point where she's not "modern". so i definitely feel like sex talk is surely on the quicker horizon for DD, then it is for either of our DS's.

2. What will you teach them?
again, i'm not sure. i'm personally new at parenting. but i want them to know ALL aspects of it, not just the "ins and outs" of it. that includes the physical aspects, emotional aspects, etc. AND given this day and age, i definitely want them to know(although preferably in their mid-teens) about homosexuality. and that while i may not fully promote it, i'm all about being who you are. and not having to hide it. and that includes, that if one of our children prefers their own sex, then we're going to love them no matter what. they're our children, and once they turn 18, i can only influence their lives, not run them for them, or make their decisions for them.

3. What are you feelings about birth control? (would you take your kid to the doctor when they hit a certain age? Wait, but encourage them to talk to you? Feel too comfortable and ignore it? )

{color:#000000}while i'm certainly not going to encourage them to run off and have sex, i am going to make sure they know what their birth control options are. and if fh's daughter does move in with us, then i am going to put her on birth control, wether she's sexually active or not(with her input, of course). because, sometimes, kids(well, teens and even adults), don't know when they're going to have sex. and if for some reason she ends up having sex before she's truly ready, i want her to be protected. and that includes educating her and our boys about the proper use of condoms, and other options.

{color:#3366ff}4. Any "common mistakes" you feel are a problem with youth today re: sex?
i'm definitely with the one who mentioned abstinence-only education. my sister is 14, and thankfully still a virgin. last year, at 13 and in 8th grade, their sex-ed teacher made them sign an abstinence contract. and the high school did it this year(as she's a frosh). not just that, but schools these days, only preach about std's and teen pregnancy. they don't teach about the emotional aspects, wether it be boys or girls. and i really feel that if they're going to broach into the subject to begin with, they need to cover ALL of it, not just the parts that make certain parents/board members happy. not just that, alot of schools are approaching and adopting the policy, of suspending pregnant girls, and forcing them into ged classes, homeschool, or alternative education classes. and i think it's horrible. although sex is a decision that can only be made by the partners involved in the act, i think the way we as adults treat it, weighs heavily. if we glorify it, or make it seem forbidden, it encourages youth to try it earlier and earlier. and then, POOF no one wants to take the partial responsibility that comes along with this. they want to blame it all on the kids, and often their parents. well, when parents are teaching 1 thing, and others are teaching their kids something else, it's hard for parents and their kids. b/c their children have opinions coming from all different directions, and wether good or bad, when they hear it from someone in "position" then they often feel maybe their parents are wrong, if there's so many different opinions on the subject.

ok i have to stop on the last part. simply b/c i have WAY too many feelings and opinions on how things are handled these days...i mean, they didn't want a political speach shown in school, yet it's ok for them to teach sex ed, regardless of how parents feel. at my sister's school, parent's DO NOT have an opt-out option! {color}

***I"m Gonna Be A Price!!***

March 20, 2010...God Willing!...

Pricex4, Plus 1 More!!!


Edited by: Soon2BAPrice on Oct 4, 2009 2:37 PM

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 5, 2009 3:48 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Good questions, Birdie! There was another thread on this topic a month or so ago - if you didn't see it, you might want to dig it up and check out the responses. The OP in that thread was specifically asking virgins what they would teach their kids, but a lot of non-virgins responded as well. It was a pretty good discussion.

Added at the end: Sorry for switching back and forth between 'I' and 'we.' For the most part, DH and I agree on all of this, but I still don't like to speak for him, so I kept subconsciously switching back to 'I'.

1. When do you plan to talk to your kids about sex?

Constantly. Ok, not quite constantly, but I never want sex to be a taboo subject in my house. I agree with AOTB that discussions should be age-appropriate and you should take your cues from the personality and maturity of your child.

For example, I can't ever remember NOT knowing where babies come from. Penis, vagina, the whole nine yards - I knew the truth, and the whole truth. In retrospect, I'm sure that my mom fed the information to me gradually as I was old enough to understand it, but I always had a basic understanding that babies were grown in tummies and that penises and vaginas did something together to make it happen. I knew all the biology involved by the time I was ten.

As for sex education, I think there are all kinds of opportunities to talk to your children without sitting them down to have 'the sex talk.' As I said, I don't want sex to be a taboo topic in my house, so I hope to talk about various things frequently rather than making time to teach my kids about sex. I'd like them to learn through years of hearing us talk about it in numerous contexts rather than through one uncomfortable 'sex talk.'

2. What will you teach them?

On sex in general, I would teach them the truth: that sex is enjoyable, but comes with responsibilities. I will not push my kids to wait until marriage, but I'll stress that they should wait until they are in love and old enough to take the responsibility of sex seriously. That includes thorough knowledge of birth control, STD's, emotional risks, possible consequences, respect for oneself and ones partner, how to deal with pressure, etc. That also includes preparation for how to deal with a potential partner that is ignorant of all of the above. (I'm not sure yet exactly what that will include, but I have plenty of time to figure it out, as I'm not pregnant or planning to be for a couple years still)

Honestly, I hope that my children receive the sex education that I did in school. Things seem to have swung to the opposite side of the spectrum now and schools are not allowed to teach sex-education (except abstinence-only programs), but when I was in school, it was the opposite, at least in my area. And I went to a private school, so they could teach us whatever they wanted, so I had an incredibly thorough sex education (and yes, I was at a private school in a liberal state, but I hope my kids will be, too), and I hope that sex ed in schools goes back in that direction. If not, however, we can teach them ourselves.

On homosexuality, I want my kids to understand and accept that families come in all shapes and sizes. By the time they are old enough to know whether they are homosexual, I'd hope that our opinions will be clear to them and that they don't think we'd ever love them less or disapprove of their lifestyle.

3. What are you feelings about birth control? (would you take your kid to the doctor when they hit a certain age? Wait, but encourage them to talk to you? Feel too comfortable and ignore it? )

Interesting question, but it definitely needs to be addressed. If we teach our kids the way we plan to, they'll have a wide range of knowledge about birth control long before they think about having sex. We would encourage them to come to us about it, but I know we can't count on that. So we'd ideally have a backup plan.

By the time my kids are teenagers, I would make sure that they are comfortable with their doctor, and that they are seeing a doctor that will discuss sex and birth control with them during their visits. While I hope that our kids will be honest with us, I'd also want to give them their space and privacy. I would rather our kids get birth control behind our backs than go without because they're too nervous to talk to us. So I would talk to the doctor and make sure that it's discussed - and I unless they want me in the room with them during their appointment, I'd give them their privacy. (My mom insisted on being in the room for my appts when I was a teenager because she thought that doctors pushed birth control on girls that were too young for it.) I'd also make sure they knew about local Planned Parenthood clinics, in case they were too embarrassed or nervous to talk about BC with their regular doctor.

As far as buying them condoms goes...I'm of the opinion that if you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to buy condoms. Or to walk into Planned Parenthood and get them for free. If my kid came to me and asked for condoms, I would explain that the responsibility of getting condoms goes with having sex. There is no reason why I should have to keep a 'condom jar' stocked and check the expiration dates so that someone else can have sex. That is not my responsibility - and while I would never want any harm to come to my kids, if they do not take responsibility for their actions, that's their problem, whether they're adults yet or not. Hopefully, my kids will know LONG before they have sex that this one of the responsibilities that they'll be taking on when they decide to have sex. I hope I wouldn't raise a child who is so dependent on me that I have to do ANYTHING that should be their responsibility - and that's true for buying condoms, getting the oil changed on their first car, balancing their first checkbook, etc.

I hope I've articulated that well. My point is that they have to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and their actions sometime - and sex is an adult decision. If they want to do it, then I'll treat them like adults. Hopefully I will not raise kids who would rely on me for something that should be up to them, but as AOTB says, you don't parent the kid you want, you parent the kid you have. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. Any "common mistakes" you feel are a problem with youth today re: sex?

In response to a PP: Any school system that made my children sign a virginity contract would be receiving an abundance of angry letters and phone calls from me. I'm not kidding - I would raise holy hell.

I also agree about abstinence-only sex education. Quite honestly, I'm appalled at the ignorance that I've seen in some young women on these boards - so if this is the product of this system, I'm frightened for the next generation, who will learn from ignorant parents. I could keep going all day on this topic, but that sums it up. It's appalling.

Even more appalling is the following: While sex education is getting crappier and crappier, kids are having sex younger and younger and developing incredibly nonchalant attitudes about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has heard stories about 15-year old girls who have multiple sex partners and think nothing of it, or boys who believe that every date should end with a blow job. Maybe AOTB can answer this: Have these stories/rumors really gotten worse than they were 10-15 years ago, or am I simply on the other end of the age gap, now?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 5, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"Maybe AOTB can answer this: Have these stories/rumors really gotten worse than they were 10-15 years ago, or am I simply on the other end of the age gap, now? "

My opinion is that all has been going on since the dawn of time, but we are just more vocal about it now.

In my high school (Class of '71), there was talk about girls who would DO ANYTHING for a date and the common knowledge that a member of the football or basketball team (boys only, pre-Title 9) would only date girls who would have sex. (I actually confirmed this rumor at my 20-year high school reunion. I asked rhetorically if it was true, and everyone at our table said "Oh, yes, didn't you know that? Duh.".)

Bear in mind that I, personally, was born as a result of a high school romance conducted in a car parked on a lover's lane. That was 1953. My mother told me of how she was absoultely forbidden to "go to 2nd Street" in her town, because that was where there were cheap hotels rented by the hour. Certain of the seedier hotels would rent rooms to high school boys and their dates. My mom graduated from high school in 1940.

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 5, 2009 4:07 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

" Any school system that made my children sign a virginity contract "

LOL! One of my sons is a real smarty-pants. If he were presented with such a contract, I blush to think of what he would write in the signature line.

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 5, 2009 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

In response to a PP: Any school system that made my children sign a
virginity contract would be receiving an abundance of angry letters and
phone calls from me. I'm not kidding - I would raise holy hell.


Art - I'd be right there with you. A public school system has NO right to require this. End of conversation.

Basically, I'm with Art pretty much on everything. I was raised knowing the correct words for penis and vagina. I did have sex in High School - protected and then I didn't have it again until college. I'm 34 and I haven't had any kids - yet.

I really feel that my Mom raised my brother and I well and I'll be following her example which parallels a LOT with Art.

 

 

 

Reply


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 3:59 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

That contract thing reminds me of the youth group some of my friends attended in high school. During an "information session" about depression, they made the youth group members sign contracts promising to never kill themselves.

Because you know...THAT will actually help someone with depression.

(I occassionally attended this group. However, one of my friends was smart and persuaded me NOT to attend this session, knowing my problems with depression and sensitivity to it. He probably didn't want to deal with the reprecussions of what I would have said to the youth pastory over it!)
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 18, 2009 10:41 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Hey Bird,
I was wondering if you got good answers to your questions about parenting and talking to your kids about sex. My main focus during graduate school was parenting and I actually studied under a colleaugue of Adler, who was a student of Jung.... Sigmund Frued's partner. I studied under Manford Sonstegard which was a great honor and an experience I shall never forget. He was in his 80's by the time I got to grad school, but I took all his classes and I learned more than I can say. If you are interested in my blogs about parenting, you can check some articles out at http://www.justaskfrancie.wordpress.com

Or, if you have any specific questions I can answer, I would be happy to tell you about how I handled the whole sex thing with my own son. It was interesting to say the least! But my biggest piece of advice to all parents is to not put shame on kids ever about sex or their own sexuality. A lot of times we have our own hangups, and we put that on our kids. That is the most important thing to keep in mind.

The fact that you are actually thinking about these issues ahead of time tell me, without a doubt, that you are going to be an awesome Mother and an awesome parent. I have every faith in you.

Hugs, Francie

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

Reply


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 2:39 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Aw, France, thanks! I did get some good responses, yes, but I've love to hear how you handled it with your son- want to PM me?

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to have the "sex talk" in the car - because that way the kid can't run and hide from the conversation! Hee hee!
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 10:03 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

LOL! Yes, having any serious talk in the car is always a great idea. Kids tend to talk more openly in the car for some reason. My son also would open up when we took afternoon walks in the woods. Walks are good too.

I believe that parents are way too uptight about sex. Sex is something that was intended by God to happen between two people who love and are committed to each other. Our society is quite screwed up about sex. On one hand, television and magazines BLAST sex at us every second of the day. Then, the media turns right around and makes everything a "sex scandal". It is pretty screwy. Most Europeans are less uptight about sex. It kills me that parents will let their kids watch blood and gore on movies but as soon as their is kissing and a little sex, it is "Johnny! Cover your eyes!" This isn't answering your question, but I'm just sayin. :)

The time to talk to your kids about sex is when they ask. Okay, so they are 6 years old and say, "Momma, where do babies come from?" You don't go through the whole sex talk with a six year old. You make it age appropriate. You say something like, "When Mommys and Daddys love each other they make a baby together in a very special loving way." Most kids will be satisfied with an answer like that. But when they get around 10 they are ready for the truth. And when they are ready for the truth, you tell them the truth. No getting around that. I have a sister who says she just can't talk about it with her daughter. Well... that is sad to me. Because it sends a message to her daughter that her Mom is ashamed of sex. Kids pick up on our attitudes about all these things. So first, I always tell parents to study their own feelings/attitudes about sex. If you feel sex is nasty then your kids will pick up on it. If you have a healthy attitude about sex, your kids will see that and develop one too.

I started talking to my son early... in those age appropriate ways. When he was in Jr. High, I found an animated japenese porn vhs that one of his friends had given him. It was "explicit". I didn't shame him. I just explained to him that I understood that it was normal to be curious and want to watch things like that, but that I didn't allow that sort of thing in my home. I asked him to take it back to his friend and that was all said. Then, when he was about 13, he was caught looking at porn on the internet. Okay, he accidentally called one of those 900 numbers through the internet and it charged my phone bill like 200 bucks! I talked to him. Again, there was no shame. It was "We don't allow this in our home. Sex is supposed to be between a married couple and this sort of thing is demeaning to women.... etc. But, I understand a lot of boys your age are curious about it. The computer will be moved into the living room and you won't be allowed on it after 11:00 p.m. and you will pay for the $200 bucks. And that is what happened.

When he was 16 he was involved in a serious relationship. I asked him in the car one day if he and his GF were having sex yet. He said, "no, not yet." He said that they didn't feel ready, or at least she didn't. I talked to him about respecting his GF. I told him that if he truly loved her, he would understand that although physically they may be ready, emotionally they were not. I always told him to treat ALL girls like they were someones sister or daughter. I told him that even if a girl was known at school as a "slut" for him to always remember that there was a reason she was doing the things she was doing, and he should feel bad for her and show her the same respect he showed all women.

When it was time for my son to be sexually active, he told me. We talked at length about it and he was going to be sexually active with his GF regardless. It was time. So, I bought condoms and put them in his sock drawer. I told him that if he truly loved his GF, then he would always make sure she was protected. I told him if he was adult enough to have sex, then he was adult enough to be responsible. I checked his sock drawer every once in a while and if his supply was getting low, then I would put more in there. It wasn't comfortable, but I didn't want a Grandchild. I had to be realistic. Parents who think their kids are not "doing it" are fooling themselves. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but most kids are sexually active by high school.

My sister has been going through some of these things with her 15 year old daughter, who is a virgin and intends to be. However, the temptation is there and it is something that has to be talked about. I try to remind my sister how "we" were at that age. Many kids do want to wait and have strong moral and/or religious convictions. That is the thing to aim for. However, to bury your head in the sand and think it can't happen to you is the best way to become a Grandma! I also have a 16 year old nephew who totally respects his GF and does want to wait. I think that is awesome. But when he is ready.... it will be time.

I am happy to report my son is 22 years old, is with the same girl he has always been with, and they plan on getting engaged after he graduated in December. They are the perfect match and when I see them together I know they were meant to be. He loves her so much and she adores him. I think I did okay. I made mistakes. But to this day he could call me with any problem and we can talk honestly and openly. That is important.

My rule of thumb with kids is to treat them with respect. A lot of parents talk down to their kids as if they are stupid. I get respect from children because I treat them with respect. That doesn't mean we are equal. I am still the grownup and they are still the kid. But because of this, I have never had a discipline problem with any kid.... during my teaching years, my counseling years... etc.

I hope this helps some. Be flexible. Be open. Know what your own values are and start teaching them as soon as the kid starts to walk and talk. But teach your child to think critically. They need to have the ability to think through problems on their own. You won't always be there to make decisons for them. Much love, Francie

My son just called me (as I was writing this) and told me that he has been asked to submit his graduation thesis to the Criminal Justice Convention to compete for an award. His thesis is about child sexual abuse and the law. I am soooo proud of him. :)

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

Reply

lesasue86 Posts : 75 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: Another sex thread from me
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 4:05 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

thanks for the info!
pearl jewelry store

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine