Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 2, 2009 5:59 PM

Hi Everybody,

I posted a little while back. Well, my boyfriend and I are still talking about getting married next year but he still hasn't proposed. We were talking about my ring in the car last night and talking about how much we love each other. It seems the main thing holding him back from proposing is my engagement ring. He says he wants to propose soon but he just is not grasping the fact that he can get a credit card for my ring at the jewelers or the fact that I told him I don't need a ring to be engaged to him and that all I care about is the lifelong commitment I want us to share.

Last night he talked about how he wishes he had the money to buy me my ring but he keeps buying random stuff and then a few days ago he talked about getting us a playstation 3 but all I keep thinking about is that he doesn't have the money for my ring but he has the money to buy us the playstation 3 or he'll be saving up to buy the playstation. It all seems so backwards to me. I love video games and I know he loves them, too and we can't wait to play Madden and Wolverine and a few others but I'd rather he buy that after he's proposed to me with the ring since he's the one that is so adamant about buying me a ring.

I know the proposal is coming but I just have this fear that he's going to wait until just a couple of months before we plan on getting married to propose and then we'll have to plan something quickly. I don't want to be in the poorhouse because if we have to plan a wedding in like two months we have to be ready to put down a lot of money in a short period of time.

I just wanted to talk about it on here a little.

CandyK

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 2, 2009 7:46 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

I don't blame you about the money frustration thing. DH is like that, too - he'll get all excited one day about putting money into a savings plan or saving for a vacation...but then the next day, he'll go and blow $300 bidding on random stuff on ebay. Gah!!!!

Ok, so I'm trying to figure this out. You've already made the decision to get married next year, correct? You've even gone as far as to have a general date/season in mind. But you're afraid that he'll wait to propose until right before the wedding date and you'll go crazy trying to plan quickly and won't have any money budgeted for a wedding. Can I ask what's stopping you from saving for the wedding now? Also, what's stopping you from planning it before you get the ring?

If you've made the decision to get married next year, you're engaged...whether or not you've had a formal proposal or a ring. The only thing stopping you from saving or moving forward with planning is your own idea that you need an official proposal...and his idea that that needs a ring before he can propose. But if you've decided to get married, go ahead and save for it. Heck, go ahead and start planning - as long as you're both truly in agreement that next year is the right time. You'll get the ring when you get the ring, and he can do a formal proposal then - but for the purpose of being engaged, as long as the decision to get married has been made, you can consider yourselves engaged. There's no reason to wait to start saving money until you have a ring on your finger.

As far as the savings priorities issue goes, my best advice is to keep gently reminding him that you/he has a savings goal and that you'll never meet it if you don't make sacrifices...such as waiting to get the Playstation. Heck, you can put that on your wedding registry if you want to! Also, people might have very different opinions on this, but this is mine: there's no reason why you can't contribute towards your own ring. I knew that DH wanted to propose at a certain time, but I didn't know that he had gotten a ring yet. At the time that he proposed, I had actually been putting money into my savings for a couple months, with the intent to contribute it towards my ring. It worked out well, though - we had a headstart on the wedding fund!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 2, 2009 8:05 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I've been buying bridal mags and cutting out things I like but so many people think even that is over the top. Although my boyfriend suggested a few months ago that I start planning some in the summer. I guess I've been afraid to start planning and then not get engaged. I feel like my boyfriend and I are more than just boyfriend and girlfriend already and so does he but I'm so used to people having formal engagements while they do their wedding planning.

I guess I could go ahead and start saving something each month but heaven forbid we don't get engaged atleast I'll have saved up enough money to maybe go on a nice trip to Italy. ;o)

CandyK

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: CandyK

There you go - Italy's a nice silver lining!

Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about your worries? I guess I'm not quite understanding your situation, but from your original post, it sounded like you had a date picked out, but didn't want to start planning before being 'officially' engaged - but that you were afraid that he wouldn't 'officially' propose until only a few months before the wedding date. So, is that true? Is this date set in stone in your minds, or would you push back the date if you don't get engaged soon?

Personally, I would forget the date you have in mind. You'll get engaged when you get engaged - then take the wedding planning from there. After all, (these are just random dates) June 5, 2010 and June 5, 2011 will be pretty similar to one another - so if you don't get engaged until just before the original date, do it on the same date the following year to give yourselves time to save and plan.
In any case, though, I would talk to your boyfriend about your worries and let him know that you're serious about getting married soon and want to make the engagement a financial priority. That means no Playstations or random spending if you're saving for a ring or a wedding. Then see what he says to that. If he's serious about getting engaged as soon as you want to, he'll jump on board with the plan. If not, then you'll have to decide whether you're willing to wait until he's really ready. And by 'really ready', I don't mean 'in love enough to marry you but just doesn't have the money'. By 'really ready' I mean 'in love enough to marry you and actively saving for the ring that he wants to get you, even when that means making sacrifices on other things.'

Also talk about your expectations for being 'officially' engaged. From your posts, I can't figure them out. If I remember correctly, you originally said that you're willing to get engaged without a ring, but in your second post, you said that you don't want to plan without being 'officially' engaged. And in your original post, you said that your boyfriend doesn't want to propose without a ring, but in your second post, you said that he's suggested that you start planning. I'm confused! If you're Ok with being engaged without a ring and he's Ok with you planning now, then what are you waiting for? I'd just do whatever you feel like you need to do it make yourselves 'official' and then start planning for your wedding. If he still wants to get you a ring, he can do it later. My SIL didn't get her diamond until her 1st anniversary...but it doesn't mean anything less than mine does.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I know it's crazy and confusing. My boyfriend and I have basically been talking about working towards marriage since the very beginning of our relationship. I talked with him last night about the Playstation vs. the Engagement Ring and he said he thought we both wanted the Playstation and asked me how do I know he's not trying to get the ring. Today he told me to start looking for rings online. He also told me yesterday that he's been trying to save so he can do some business things so I can be a stay at home mom one day.

I think he has the marriage mindset but he doesn't want to do things like everybody else. I'm very fortunate that I grew up with two very in love parents in my home who stayed together until my mom passed away. I've seen many family members and friends get married but he hasn't really seen much of that. His parents never married and most of his life they didn't have a good relationship. Most of his family isn't married or they quickly separated after they got married. So I know I must be patient with him because he really just hasn't been around all this before. Despite not seeing marriage as a stable institution in his family he's always wanted to be married and have a family of his own (he's almost 40). Thank you so much for your advice on things.

I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is different and just because one couple did it one way doesn't mean we have to do it the same way. We don't have a definite date but kind of a time frame of before next summer. I feel better hearing your advice. I need to start saving money.

CandyK

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

I'm glad that you're feeling better and that you talked to your boyfriend last night. I just have a few more things to say, based on your last post. I hope you'll take this as friendly advice, but I see a couple red flags.

First off, PLEASE get premarital counseling. Not only is it something that EVERY couple should do, but in your case, I think you'd really benefit from discussing both your feelings about marriage with a third party. Because you come from such drastically different backgrounds, you really need to hash this all out before getting married. I know you've probably talked about the differences in your backgrounds and how that will impact your future family, but please trust me on this. This sort of difference in background can really complicate a marriage and you owe it to ourselves and each other to make sure you've both thought about your differences and feelings from every angle. A professional premarital counselor (or experienced clergyperson, if you prefer) will help you think of things to discuss that you'd probably never think of on your own. I'm not saying that a marriage can't work between people with different familial backgrounds, like you, but there will be differences in opinion due to experience and you should explore those as much as possible before getting married.

Secondly, your boyfriend's age is a bit of a red flag to me as well. When I read your previous posts, it sounded like you were talking about a young guy...just getting on his feet in life, both financially and in your relationship. I may be alone on this, but I think it's a much bigger deal for a nearly-40 year old man to be dragging his feet and using money as an excuse than it would be if he was a 20-something man. I know that everybody matures at their own pace, for an almost-40 year old who wants to get married and has never been married before to drag his feet about getting engaged is a red flag to me. Just think it over, anyway.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 3:54 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

Hi Candy, Artbride has some greeaaat advice for you so I dont have much to add in that aspect.

But I did want to say that Im kinda sorta in a similar situation...except my bf has the ring and all but waiting to propose so that we have a little more saved up than we do now so that when we are "officially" engaged we have something to start off with, instead of being "officially engaged" and nothing else to it becuase we cant buy/book anything. So defenitely start saving like Artbride said.

My bf was having the saaame problem yours is (and Artbrides DH lol)about saving. He would get sooo excited about putting $$ into his savings account for us and then one thing would lead to another and he'd blow it on something else. Granted, it was usually within good reason but unnecessary? Absolutely. We would talk and talk about it and I did my best not to nag but still mention once in a while that the longer it took us the further away that day will be when we can finally be husband and wife. Well that was great encouragement for him...for approx week at a time. What worked (at least I think thats what did it - thats when I noticed a real change) was when I happened to mention how much I had saved already at that point. It was completely unintentional and had no point to it I just happened to have mentioned it. I had been putting as much away as I could every chance I had and I dont have a whole lot but defenitely enough for what Id call a "good start". Well that seemed to have kicked him in the butt a little because I dont think he expected that I was actually saving regularly. NOt sure if he felt a little guilty or not but all I know is that after that talk he has reeeallly cut down on his spending habits and the funny part is that he gets SO INTO IT everytime he puts a couple hundred more away every week.

What has been helping BOTH of us to not get discouraged is that everytime we have a little more put away we joke around about how "oh look now we have just enough for my dress" or "yay NOW we have enough for the dress, and photographer" etc, etc. It actually really feels good to be aware of it that way. We have a basic budget (not set in stone), defenitely know how much at the most were willing to spend on certain things and so we're splitting up the money as we put it away which has been kinda NICE really...... Just some food for thought!!

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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 4:06 PM Go to message in response to: MrsS2010

I do have a suggestion for saving money.

Get a joint savings account for the wedding expenses without ATM access and keep the pass book in your purse.

Decide on a weekly amount for the both of you to contribute & deposit it.

If you can't access the cash from an ATM you are less likely to dip in to it for a frivolous purchase.

If he won't do at least that then I agree with some of the other girls I would start to wonder what is true intentions are.

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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: Stephy77

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that. MY savings acct (as opposed to his) is the kind that I cannot take money out of it unless I go in and ask them to transfer. Cant do it online, cant do it from at ATM. Works WONDERS.

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 3, 2009 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

I admit I scanned the other posts so maybe I missed something, but I wanted to throw out the idea of a cheaper ring. Not shoddy-cheap, but lower-price-cheap. Does it have to be a flawless, colorless, 3.0 carat rock? That's probably an exaggeration for your case, but my point is that maybe your guy is overestimating how much a ring costs, or maybe you can lower your expectations a bit. If it's a diamond you want, they vary widely in price. Maybe the engagement will happen sooner if it costs less.

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 5:46 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

I told him I don't have to have a ring at all but he insists and then I've been showing him cheaper rings I like. I told him I don't even mind if he goes to Walmart (I asked him not to tell me he went there though if he does).

We looked at rings again on Saturday and he told me again that he definitely wants to marry me soon. I just hope I'm not getting antsy because of all the proposals and weddings going on around me. I don't want to get bridal fever. It's hard not to when I get a text or e-mail about a proposal every few weeks.

CandyK

 

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kateinlove Posts : 8 Registered: 9/18/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Sep 18, 2009 2:39 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

I am in exactly the same situation! It feels good to know I'm not the only one. I want to be engaged so we can start planning because we already know the date, but he's worried about the ring and is very traditional. I told him also that I don't need a ring to be his fiance, that's not what it's about. It's looking like I'm going to only have four months to plan. He thinks that's fine because he's not an early planner like me. Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Updates: Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Nov 15, 2009 10:31 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

So a few things happened since my anger over the PS3. My SO realized that he really wants to get married soon like I do and so we talked about getting married in March, April, or May. We're leaning more towards March or April. He also told me I was a little too impatient and inquisitive (I'm always asking him questions and stuff) so he basically told me when he plans on proposing officially so I don't have a heart attack over the waiting. I guess we're pretty much engaged now because we're starting to look at venues this week. We just need to narrow down a date. Especially if things are going to be so soon.

CandyK

 

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FutureMrsCarrol... Posts : 19 Registered: 10/6/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Nov 16, 2009 4:42 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

Hello,
I can actually relate to you problem in the sense that my boyfriend would talk about wanting to get engaged and not being able to afford it and then he would drop a couple hundred dollars on things for his truck. I guess the best advice I know to give is what my mom told me (she is pretty wise), she told me to sit down and ask him if right now he is just into talking about getting engaged and not really at that point right now because he is wanting to buy or do specific things that he may want to do before he gets married. I do not know your entire situation and it sounds like your boyfriend likes his man toys, which is OK. I guess the best thing I know to do is be open and honest about how you feel and try and put both of you on the same page so you both can understand what each one is thinking. Also, he may possibly be thinking he is going to have to spend a whole lot of money as soon as he puts a ring on your finger, perhaps discuss the finances you are looking at and what figures for things you are looking at. That may help both of you understand a little better and may save arguments. Hope this helps and good luck!

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

-Robert Frost 

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: Although Waiting for the Ring, Not that Important
Posted: Dec 29, 2009 5:43 PM Go to message in response to: CandyK

UPDATE: Hey Everyone, I posted this in the Just Engaged forum but I had to spread the news in this forum. My boyfriend proposed last Wednesday. He did it in a very romantic way. He took me on a horse and carriage ride and when we got out to take pictures by the city Christmas tree he took out the ring and proposed.

He told me later that he wanted to propose sooner but my craziness over him proposing delayed him a bit. He said that if I went crazy over him proposing or yelled and cried about it he said he'd have to wait longer because he didn't want me to feel like the only reason he was proposing was to quiet me down. He said he wanted to wait until I was calm and we were on a nice even footing so he could propose and I'd know without a shadow of a doubt he proposed only because he loved me so much.

Beware of the engagement elephant. You know if someone tells you not to think of an elephant, you think about it and it gets bigger and bigger in your head. Well, that ring and proposal were my elephant and finally a few weekends ago my dad told me to leave my now fiance` alone about the engagement and when I finally calmed down he did it.


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CandyK

 

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