I don't know what to do anymore

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 29, 2009 8:55 PM

My fiance and i became engaged in December 08. We have known each other practically all of our lives. We are an older couple, he's 49 and i'm 41. We live together. The children are all grown and are either in college or in the military, so it's just the 2 of us here at the house. I feel like this should be a very happy time for us but it's not. I've had issues with him in the past engaging in very inappropriate internet conversations with several local women. He says that he's never physically cheated and i'm trying really hard to believe him. After calling off the wedding and talking things out, we decided to resume with our wedding plans.But now i have a gut feeling that something just is not right. He has changed and i don't know what to do. If i try to talk to him, he gets defensive with me and automatically assumes that i'm blaming him for something.He doesn't take part in the wedding plans anymore. He recently started wanting to go out to clubs with the single guys from his job and Although he hasn't actually done it, He has threatened to hit me on 3 occasions. That's something that he has never done before. Sex is almost non-existant and whenever we do, he's not really into it anymore. I recently went to him and "TRIED" to talk to him. I told him that i wasn't happy anymore and That i felt like he was emotionally detached from me. He said "Well... If that's how you feel then i can't change it". I am going to this man telling him how i feel and letting him know that i see a problem and wanting him to at least try to help me fix it. He can sit around me all day and say nothing to me, but if we go to the store or around his family or even run into someone that he knows, he talks non stop, but as soon as they leave, he gets quiet again. Part of me wants to leave, but my heart keeps telling me to stay and work it out. We were not like this 6 months ago. We had conversations, we held hands all the time. Whenever we were apart we couldn't wait until we saw each other again. He used to walk up behind me and kiss me just because and the sex was awesome.But now all of that is gone. Because of all of the stress, i have started having anxiety attacks on a regular basis. I want to stay because i love this man with all my heart, But... I love myself too.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 29, 2009 9:18 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

Robin, there is something going on here and it's not good. I am close to your age (42) and I understand that you probably want to be settled. I know that I did. After getting divorced after 20 years of marriage, I really wanted to find someone and settle down. I started dating immediately, and I went out with some nice guys. But I also had some very bad experiences. Anyway, you need to talk to a counselor girl. The best thing I can tell you is to listen to your gut. Always listen to what your instinct is telling you. When you ignore your instinct... bad thiings happen. I am here for you if you need me. Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 29, 2009 9:51 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thank you Francie Elaine. I have always heard it said in the past to always trust your gut.I had already considered the pre-marital counseling through a church. The Co-pastor told me to leave my phone #. They've never called me so i just didn't persue it any further. I talked with a male associate just to get another man's perspective on why he's acting this way. He said that my fiance had lost interest in me and was bored with me and there was nothing i could do about it. I'm sitting here in tears because it really hurt to hear that.

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 29, 2009 10:20 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

Hi Robin, I have tried to find a nice way to say this but I can't and so I'll be blunt. This guy does not sound like he wants to marry you or be with you anymore. He has threatened to hit you and he is indifferent to your feelings. You may still love him, but these do not sound like the actions of a man in love with you. I suggest that you get as far away from him as fast as possible and move on with your life. I am really alarmed by the fact that he threatened to hit you, please get out before he actually does hit you.

Good luck and God bless.

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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Ellabean Posts : 2 Registered: 8/30/09
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 4:17 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

I'm sorry hun, if you have a feeling that something isnt right, then something isnt right. I know you love him, and that he may still have love for you, but he isnt in love with you. You dont want to spend the rest of your life with someone who threatens your well being, it will eventually turn abusive, but when in doubt ...dont.


El
http://www.widdlytinks.com/wedding/wedding-cake/weddingcake.swf" FlashVars="t1=I'm Getting Married!&t2=days until my wedding&t3=Today is the day!!!&a=undefined&y=2010&m=7&d=4&dom=http://www.widdlytinks.com" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="496.12" height="341.6" name="Wedding Countdown" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer">
http://www.widdlytinks.com">Wedding Countdowns at WiddlyTinks.com

JBP<3DBG

i<3SLP my lil boy

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 6:51 AM Go to message in response to: Ellabean

Maybe i worded it wrong or maybe it's the same thing. Whenever we argue, he's made it a point to let me know 3 times that if i hit him that he would hit me. He's even gotten in my face as if he was provoking me to do it. I have never threatened to lay a hand on him. Maybe he's dealing with issues from his past. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I just want to look at all sides of it. He has also told me twice that he doesn't think "WE" are ready to get married. It's definitely not me. I'm at a place in my life and i know that i'm ready. He, on the other hand, may not be. But what would be so hard about telling me that? Yes i do love him with all my heart, but i think you're exactly right about him not being in love with me. I don't want us to get to a place where we're only staying together out of convenience.

Edited by: Robin908 on Aug 30, 2009 6:54 AM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

OK Robin I'm with brownegirl in particular. Get out of this relationship. It's not healthy, he doesn't want to get married, you can't trust him and it sounds abusive. GET OUT before something happens.

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 9:59 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I am with the others. Leave him.

Misty

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 10:05 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Get out. Now. His threats to hit you alone are a huge red flag. He is practically telling you that he is an abuser. It will get worse. Soon the threats will become real, actual physical confrontations and then full on escalted violence. Dont stick around for that to happen. This is more than reason enough to leave. Trust your instincts, its one of the best things we have as females, and too many times, we ignore it because we think we are in love. Love doesnt feel like that, this is not love. I know its hard to leave, but the longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes. This is the perfect time to end things with this guy.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 30, 2009 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

Robin,
You deserve to be with someone who is absolutely head over heels in love with you and can't wait to marry you. You deserve to be told everyday how much you are loved and treasured. You deserve to be hugged and kissed everyday. You deserve that and so much more! Please do not settle for less. Hold you head up high and reach down inside yourself and find the strength you need to do what you need to do. Gentle hugs.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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El19 Posts : 3 Registered: 8/30/09
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 12:31 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

This is Ellabean(wouldnt let me sign in said i didnt exsist which i do lol)
You can do better, i believe that you love him with all your heart, i was in a relationship a few years ago where I loved him and he said he did, but was in love with some other girl, i was with him for 2 years, i left my family, moved to Cali with him. But he broke my heart and I had to get on with my life, and it still hurts when i think about him or when we occasionally talk, but im glad that we didnt settle with each other cause we were engaged, and we didnt want leave each other, I loved him and he loved the conveince of me when his other gal broke his heart, but anyway, dont settle, you will find a man who is looking for you, and is ready for marrige.
Love
El

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

Well, I'm not going to sugar coat this. The others have given good advice--get out NOW! Short of hitting you over the head with a hammer (and that could be next!), he has done everything to tell you that he doesn't want this relationship.And, really, you don't love him, at least not as he is now. You may love him as he was in the past, or at least the way you thought he was, or he fooled you into thinking he was. But, what you've got now is the real him--and that's not the person you love.

If you have any doubts and think that things could get better, think again. Tell yourself that your relationship, in this "wonderful," engaged phase of your life is the very best that it's ever going to be. This is IT. You never, ever marry someone thinking that he will change, because that won't happen (as you should be able to see from your previous breakup). So, ask youself--is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? If not, leave him.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore...continued
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 1:31 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Sorry, it's been a while since i've posted. A whole lot has happened since then. He decided that it was best for him to pack ALL of his belongings and move back in with his mother.. He called off the engagement and just left. He did this once before and i allowed him to come back after 2 days. I know that's his plan this time too but I just can't do this anymore. Yes i am devastated and heartbroken and i feel so lost without him. I can't stop crying and i am constantly having to take my xanax just to calm myself down. He admits that he was wrong for the things he did and acknowledges that it's his fault. He's even apologized which is something he doesn't usually do. He said that he didn't want the relationship to be over. He just doesn't want to get married right now. He said that he can't stand seeing me like this and knowing that he's the one who caused it and that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has. He said that he was only trying to ease the pain that i'm going through by leaving and that he wasn't leaving me...he was leaving the situation. I have never loved anyone as much as i love him. I feel myself slipping into depression and i really don't want to do that so i try to keep myself occupied. My closest friend lives in alabama and i'm in north carolina so she can't be here like i need her to be. I just feel so lost because he was my best friend.

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore...continued
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

HI Robin, I am sorry that you are hurting right now. Take this time to focus on yourself and your own healing. If I were you I would go away to a spa for a little while (a weekend if at all possible) or go and visit your best friend. Get to your support network and stop worrying about him and his motivations. I know that this is easier said than done but I think you need to think about you right now. He is obviously thinking about himself.

Good luck and God bless.

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Re: I don't know what to do anymore...continued
Posted: Sep 5, 2009 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

My 19 year old son said basically the same thing.

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