feeling hopeless....

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 10:14 PM

well I have been overweight since probably around the age of eight. Until I was about 17 though it was just an extra 20 pounds or so. I was extremely active in school sports and was always working out...I just unfortunately loved to eat as well. Kids always made fun of me though and sadly I let it get to me.

I got in a car accident though when I was 17 and after that I pretty much stopped doing the physical stuff and the pounds started piling on. College just made things worse and now at 25 I hate to cook and eat crap. Of course it doesn't help that my fiance also loves food, one of our favorite activities to do together is eat! He grew up skinny though, not putting on the pounds till he turned 18, and I think that makes a big difference. Also he is italian and so his family acts like he is perfect no matter what.

My problem is that my family has always made a big deal about my weight. My grandmother once told my mother that the reason she is so hard on me about my weight is because she doesn't think I can live a happy life if im fat. She also didn't think I could find a man that wanted me but I guess I at least proved her wrong on that. Anyways, the years of comments has really gotten to me and I always swore that I would be a skinny bride. However, I am nine months to my wedding and just can't seem to stick to any sort of healthy lifestyle.

I am so depressed about this that I don't even want to waste money on a photographer when no matter what I will look bad in pictures. Every time I go dress shopping I just keep thinking that no matter how pretty my dress is, everyone will still think "oh she looks nice for a fat girl". I look at other girls wedding websites and just think about how pretty and normal they look. I mean I don't even want to look drop dead gorgeous or anything...I just want to look normal....

My fiance doesn't care what I look like...he is always telling me how much he loves and me and how sexy he thinks I am. But, it also doesn't help that his family has also made comments about how i am such a nice girl but need to lose some weight.

I just feel like unless I drop the weight before the wedding everyone will just keep saying "oh she is nice but....oh she is pretty but.....oh she is such a great girl but...she is FAT!!!!!!

Sorry if this is long and makes me sound pathetic but I was just hoping maybe I could find someone who could relate or atleast give me some ideas?!?! Thanks!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 29, 2009 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Hello. Does it really matter what other people think of you? Are you happy? Do you feel beautiful? Ok that maybe a hard one to answer, but try. I have always been bigger to, since about 8 as well. I used to stress about it so bad because all my friends were tiny little things, and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. It also got to the point where my mom was "trying" to motivate me saying she would take my to get my belly button peirced if I could get a flatter tummy. Eventually I started noticing, I look good bigger, I think I would look funny if I lost to much weight. I have never had a hard time find a boyfriend. I ran into a few guys that told me I was fat, but they were ugly so it all worked out. I was at a comfertable weight for my body, I wasn't small, and by no means was I "in shape" But I was healthy, and looked good (in my opinion). Unfortantly I ended up in a relationship that sucked, we got to comfertable with eachother to fast, and then things got really bad between us and I got very depressed. I sat around doing nothing but eating and sleeping. I gained A LOT of weight. I eventually broke up with that guy, but I was still depressed and didn't care about anything. I eventually met my DH and started caring about my apperance again, and realized, I was fat. Dh kept telling me I wasn't I looked great, I was beautiful and sexy, but I felt fat. Dh has gotten me to fell better about myself. I was sooo afraid to go look at wedding dresses because there wouldn't be any big enough for me, my fat would hang out the top, I would look like a big white blob. Well I discovered more and more designers are realizing there are real women out there that arn't a size 2. There are beautiful dresses for full figured women. Your DH loves you for you, you should learn to love you too. There is nothing wrong with being big and beautiful. And if it helps (tthis is what keeps me going) History has a habbit of reapeating itself, and when the Romans were in charge, they basicly worship big women, we would have been like Tyra Banks to them, and someday that will come back around, and every one will be jelous of us!!

Also, I have never had much motivation to loose weight, or get into a healthy lifestyle. But just recently I am finding ways to make it easier. I love to cook, and DH cooks with me, so instead of all the fried food and fattning things we used to eat, we cook healthier meals, and still have fun cooking. There are so many great recipes out there that are healthy, and just as fun to make as unhealthy meals. I have also learned to serve balanced meals. Granted mine is mostly just dinner, but I make sure to have some sort of carb, so rice, potatoes, bread, a lot of veggies, and a protein. We do fish twice a week, only get lean ground beef (93% at the least) use a lot of ground chicken, and boneless skinless chicken breast. We do steak every so offten. We still eat a lot, and enjoy our food, its just healther, and smaller portions now. Also take the stairs rather than the elevator in buildings, park in the back of parking lots (this not only helps with getting in some exercise, but your car is safer from ignorant people back there) Maybe try and talk your FH into going for a walk with you some evnings rather than sitting in front of the tv or computer. All little things you can do that will help you start seeing a diffrence.


 

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 29, 2009 10:30 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

Thanks for the help! It's funny when I was younger I thought I had to be 120 pounds to be pretty but now I would settle for like 150!! Do you have any suggestions on wedding gown places though? I have to say that I actually expected it to be alot easier to find a dress than it has been. I mean most of the places I go into have between 100 and 300 dresses yet only about 15 in a size that I can try on....makes me feel like crap! Even David's bridal is frustrating because all the dresses i like that come in my size are "special order" and i just cant imagine ordering a dress i have never even tried on!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 29, 2009 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Hell I would settle for 180....but thats just me!! I know what you mean about Davids. I was so excited to go to them because they have so many dresses online that are woman sizes, but when I showed them my list over half were special order, and I am not paying $900 for a dress I didn't know if I loved. They tried to squeeze my size 18w into a few 14s, but it didn't quite seem the same. The thing I would suggest is go into Davids and try on a few diffrent styles, see what cuts, styles, necklines, and what not you like, then look online if you don't find the dress there, and see what other designers have the styles you like, then find the retailers in your area that carry the designer call them and ask if they have those perticular dresses in your size, or something simular. I fell in love with Maggie Sottero dresses, they are very classy, come in large sizes, and have the lace up back that helps a lot. I know Alfred Angelo has its own womens line also.


 

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 29, 2009 11:26 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

I love maggie dresses too but finding a store that carries a sample in our size is almost impossible. Maybe I am expecting too much but i just cant help but be jealous over the fact that a size 6 girl gets to try on 200 dresses but I only get to try on 10 or so. I am sure it doesn't help that I go shopping with my fam and they just keep making comments....sign I just don't know how to be ok with my size when everyone in my life that cares about me (besides my fiance) acts like there is something wrong with me. I just want the normal happy wedding planning experience you know??

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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 5:16 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe...you have FULL control over your happy wedding planning experience :) ...when you go dress shopping take a girlfriend or a unbiased confidant who will support you in trying the store's 10 dresses (I'm laughing because I couldn't even find 10 to try on)... I order a Maggie Sottero gown that I did not try on beforehand...only a similar cut gown. I have now learned that some Maggie retailers will 'borrow' a gown from other locations that carry designer or from Maggie Sottero directly, so that you can try on a specific gown in a specific size. NOW I READ THIS ONLINE, so I could be wrong, but its worth looking into if you find a certain style that you would like to try on. Good luck to you Z! Just remember, you make the gown beautiful, not the other way around :)
Created by Wedding Favors

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:27 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

I am really sorry you are feeling this way, and I have to say shame on your family!

There is a whole thread just for plus women in their dresses. NESSA didn't you start that? If you know the name could you link it here or at least bump it up.

I would strongly recommend that you exercise, and NO, NO, NO not to lose weight, but because exercise acts as a natural anti-depressant. The endorphins aka runners high can be achieved without actually running. When I started exercising regularly I developed so much more appreciation for my body, not because of how it looks but because of what it can do. I was 5'8" and a size 12 when I was 12 and my nickname was Moose. Now almost 28 years later I am a size 14 and if anyone called me moose I'd kick their asses. Don't let the photo fool you,my husband is 6'8". I am an avid weightlifter and am amazed at how it has helped my body image.

I would encourage you to eat healthy as well, not necessarily to lose weight but to fuel your body properly and give yourself energy. The foods we eat also affect our energy and mood.

The people in my life wouldn't make any moose comments or comment on my weight, and its not because I am all that, but because I wouldn't put up with it. You do not have to let these people, even family or future family talk to you that way. It is rude. Down right rude. No way around it. And quite frankly its none of their business! If that was me I would be pissed off and then I would take that energy to the gym or dance around in my living room. I am not really surprised you feel the way you do because of the people around you. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.

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nastytoe Posts : 2 Registered: 7/30/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:48 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

You can either sit there and feel sorry for yourself....

Or do something about it.

How about a diet? How about a little physical activity? Are you just making up excuses about how injured you are, so you dont have to work out?

Can you walk?

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:54 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe,
My heart goes out to you. I know what it is like to be heavy. About five years ago I became very ill and had to take large doses of prednisone. I gained a lot of weight and it was very hard on my self esteem. I had never had a weight problem before and I really know now how it feels! I have lost 60 lbs. and am not thin by any means. I should lose 20 more. But there is one thing I have learned that I hope I can help you with. Are you paying attention? Okay. Here it is.
Self Confidence + Attitude = Beauty. Honey, it is all about how you feel about yourself. And you ain't feeling too good about yourself right now!
Let me put it another way. Have you ever noticed a really heavy woman that has lots of boyfriends when a skinny woman can't get a date? Why is that? It's because the heavy woman has confidence and the skinny woman doesn't. Men think confidence is SEXY! So, sweetie, you have to start there. You have to start treating yourself like the princess you are.
I would suggest the possibility of counseling, and/or hiring a personal trainer. But these things are not going to work unless you are okay mentally and emotionally. No crash diets! No treating your body harshly! Does any of this make sense?
One thing I know for sure. If you feel good about who you are it will be impossible for you not to be the most beautiful bride in the world. Hugs to you.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 9:52 PM Go to message in response to: nastytoe

Hi Nastytoe.. my first post might have been misleading but i have no lasting effects from my car accident. I am perfectly capable of physical exercise...I was just saying that after the accident I was out of commission for a couple of months and then somehow couldn't get my butt back on the horse...so to speak. To be honest your response sounded just like something my family would say...which is why I would never bring this up with them.

To everyone that responded...thank you very much for taking the time to answer.... I think my biggest problem is that even if I am 100% ok with the way I look both of our families will still make snide remarks and think that I am not good enough. I realize that I should just ignore these comments but at the same time...its hard to think that the people you love will never think you are good enough. For example, my fiancÚ's only sibling is married to a women that the majority of his family can't stand for a variety of reasons. Yet they still consider him luckier in marriage than my fiance because his wife is skinny and pretty.

Like i mentioned...maybe the problem is all me...the years of comments and ridicule just messed up my head. I just feel like our society will always think " if she just had some self control" or "if she would just stop eating and sitting on her butt" then she would be skinny. Its like all my positive attributes are negated by the fact that I am fat......

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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe,
You can't change anyone else's mind, but you should change your own opinion of yourself. I understand what you mean about family concerns. Most of my family are healthy people...in shape...eat right...etc. Me, on the other hand, I like junk food and work out when I feel like it (which is never these days). When the comments start coming ('Toya...gaining a little weight there, aren't ya?') I answer them proudly (I SHO AM!) Lol! I don't have a problem with my weight. I can make 200 pounds look good. They can't. So, why should I struggle with THEIR insecurities?

Now if YOU don't like the way you look or feel, then do something about it. Maybe doing something about it starts with facing the 'comments' and rude remarks head on (maybe through therapy or a support group like Jenny Craig). You need to be MENTALLY released from all of this junk that has you in bondage. THEN you can gradually move forward in diet and exercise.

One thing that I have learned in life so far is that everyone isn't gonna' love you, but what matters is if you love yourself. LOVE YOU and the rest will follow.
Created by Wedding Favors

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 11:47 AM Go to message in response to: ToyToy09

Zoe~ I can't understand how people who are supposed to love you no matter what, could be so mean, but so many people put such a high priority on outter beauty, and unfortantly so many people think only skinny women can be beautiful. I call BS on that one. My DH agrees, a skinny woman that you can see her bones, in our books are unattractive, a woman with curves and more to love, beautiful.
I watched that new show more to love the other day, and I was amazed at the women, they were soooo confident because they KNEW they were beautiful, it didn't matter to them that their not a size 2. It was kind of a nice relive to see big girls confident.
I will bump up my Plus Size Brides thread and go there and look and see all the beautiful plus sized brides, we all found dresses we loved. Also I am great at research what area are you in? I maybe able too look up some shops that specialize in plus size dresses. There are a few near me. Also the store I ended up going to had a pretty big selection of plus size dresses. My Maggie I bought was a 22 or 24 and waaaay to big on me, but I got a great deal for buying the sample!!


 

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LaJoieAuMonde Posts : 17 Registered: 7/8/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Aug 2, 2009 6:27 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Don't feel bad about not being able to try on as many dresses as the size six girls. I went into davids bridal and they didn't have ANY dresses my size. NONE. ZERO, i'm not exagerating. All the dresses i had to try on were too big and it's hard to tell what it will look like or feel like, when the dress is too loose. I am sure it works the same the other way around too. What i am saying is the dress sizes and the amount they have mean NOTHING about your weight. Stores stock up on dresses that fit MOST women. It is the same in shoe sizes. If you wear a 71/2 or 8, there are ZILLIONS of choices in shoes to try on. You start to get smaller or larger than that and there aren't as many options. WHY? cause stores cater to the most popular sizes. It is a buisness thing.

I just want to encourage you not to feel like you need to be like everyone else. Your life and your weight is up to you. If you CHOOSE to lose the weight, great, good for you. If you CHOOSE to be happy and live in marital planning bliss with your future husband at your current weight, then GOOD for you. Don't put up with other people's comments? Your weight, and your health is your buissness. They should respect whatever decsions you have made.

When someone makes little coments that aren't out right mean, but certainly aren't compliments, point it out. For example someone makes a comment while you are trying on dresses. You say "oh i just don't like these very much" someone responds "well you don't have very many choices". You might respond calmly with something like "are you saying that you would prefer it if i lost weight?" If they answer no, then you can say "oh, cause thats kind of what i thought you were trying to say". If they say yes, "I am greatful that you are concerned for me, but my body and my weight are my concerns, i would like it if you would leave those types of comments out of our time time together".

I hope i helped to encourage you some.

Again don't judge yourself by the number of items places have in your size. They cater to the masses, and honestly i would prefer not to be among the majority of people. I value each individuals unique caricteristics, and i find it a shame when others try to hide them or change themselves to what they think "everyone else" is.

Be YOU, Heavy or light, short or tall, dark or light. YOU are the most important thing.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Aug 2, 2009 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

The title of your thread says it all... you feel hopeless. I am sending big (((hugs))) to you.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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DaZzLiNgSaGg23 Posts : 12 Registered: 1/17/08
Re: feeling hopeless....
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Dear Zoe,


Like you I too need to l lose weight 80lbs to be exact, but I'm doing it for my self only...you can't not make anyone else happy. Your man see you as perfect...please love him for that and don't discourage him about your weight. Just laugh at all those ppl who said you couldn't get married kept a smile & kept your head up high. Understand your not there to impress no one ...It's your wedding enjoy yourself... as-far as your fam&guests if they don't like what they see... too bad for them.

I too, love to eat and I'm not great at cooking healty either but, I have been putting down my snacks and been grabbing healthy snacks ie: blueberries & I kept plain almonds and Aloe Vera drink .. I hate to exercise which is why I try to eat things that naturally helps to get rid of my weight . I'm just learning self control over my snaking.

But, if you do want to impress the loved one near to your heart and Most Imortantly for yourself than do not procrastinate on any of your actions and don't be so hard on yourself. eventually .....You will succeed.

Enjoy your future Hubby and enjoy your body. Actullay look in the mirror and adore yourself. My dear I have faith I you. Flexibility is key. BEST WISHES to you!
CoolXoxO Faith and HappinessSmile




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