FH is a porn addict

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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 15, 2009 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

My question is, if you don't want him looking at porn (not even Titanic) and you wont have sex with him till your married then what is the guy supposed to do? Is he even aloud to "get off" or "wank" as I'd like to call it (and Bally would too)? You can't expect a guy to really hold out on any type of sexual act till after you get married. It's just an unrealistic expectation. At least give the guy a bj.

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 12:22 AM Go to message in response to: TattooedStarlit

Well I have tried to give him a bj before but i was uncomfortable with it and i have told him that i won't do that anymore. He is allowed to masturbate but he always wants me to makeout with him while he's doing it.

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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 12:39 AM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I think you just need to come to sort of compromise with him if you don't want him looking at naked woman/porn but wont have sex with him.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Well, if he wants to make out with you while wanking, then that's good right? Normally guys look at porn while wanking. He wants to touch and kiss and look at YOU.

Seriously, he's got to get off -- really, it's a biological necessity for men -- so you need to stop looking at him like there's something wrong with it, and try and understand his needs. A healthy sex life -- even if you aren't actually having sex -- is pretty essential.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

He is allowed to masturbate?


Sounds to me like your main problem is that you're trying to control him too much. Does he have this much say in what you do with your body?

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

I agree with everything that Winterwonderland said... I hate it when men, and women say "just get over it all guys look at porn"....because that is not true. Porn really bothers people (me included, it just makes me feel like crap knowing that the love of my life gets off on other naked girls). To the OP, I think your FH is in need of counseling (if he is truely addicted) or you need to talk to him more about this. I think that porn and stripper addictions really put a strain on a couple's relationship. My FH and I are going through a similar process. I found out that he looks at porn, has movies I didn't know about and it really really hurt my feelings. I was constantly comparing myself to those girls and quite honestly I can't compete. We are trying to work through it but right now I'm kind of where you are. I'm not planning on leaving him because of this, but I feel the same way you do that something needs to change because right now I don't feel as loved and as beautiful as I should.

To whoever made the "why don't you just give him a bj" comment, that was pretty tacky and ruthless.

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

A couple things popped into my head while reading the thread...

Thank God my hubby doesn't like porn.

Why do men in committed (and sexual) relationships even want porn in the first place? The real thing is SO much better! Why waste your time and money being teased when the real thing is literally right there?

Now that that's out of the way...

I agree with what the pps were saying about the compromise. You don't have to have intercourse, but doing other things will help your FH a lot!

From what you wrote, OP, it isn't the fact that he is taking care of business himself that is the issue. It's the looking at other women.

So...what I suggest is for you to get some sexy lingerie and have him take some sexy pictures of you that he can just have. That way if he feels the need to, he can look at pictures of you instead of other stuff. Then I would keep it interesting by tossing in a couple of new pictures as a surprise every now and then, or giving him a whole new collection of them every few months! DH and I have done that a few times just for the fun of it....it always ends well. :-D

Good luck!





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ab1 Posts : 5 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 10:23 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I also, like you, realy dislike porn and find it offensive. If he is addicted then yes its a big problem
but if he is not addicted, then you can't do anything about it. I deffinitly feel your pain, but if he wants to do it he will do it anyway. He can allways delite the history..
my point is that you cant keep spying on him or there is no point for the relationship.
I am a VERRY sensitive person and had a lot of bad feelings about that subject (still do) but after two years of beeing in a relationship, I found that it helps me not to think about that too much and just trust him that he will never hurt me, cause I'll tell you there isnt a guy that doesn't do that one in a while ( if you find one btw, send him to me)
you just have to accept it cause fighting it wont help. they will just want to do it more. but if you show its not a big deal for you, it'll stop bothering you after a while and you could concentrate on more important stuff in the relationship. cause for guys its not a big deal to do that in their eyes it have nothing to do with you. I hope you know that it is NOT human nature to stay with one person for a life time, it is a choice. that whats makes it so precious in my eyes.
I've just learned to except this.

But again, if he is addicted, its a different story then..

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 11:13 PM Go to message in response to: ryanne

FH has told me that he doesn't like lingerie. Do you have any suggestions? I was thinking of getting some lingerie for the wedding night even though I know he doesn't like it.

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 2:27 AM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

ab1: I don't agree that the OP should "just accept" her FH's behavior. For him to continuously engage in behavior that he KNOWS hurts her is a HUGE red flag. Doesn't it just scream "I don't care!!!"?? No one should have to just sit back and accept things that hurt them and make them feel bad about themselves. And no one in their right mind in a truly committed relationship should think it's okay for them to force things on their significant others that hurt them. Really. It's not the end of the world if the guy has to give up porn. There are lots of other ways to deal with an imbalance of sex drives without making your partner feel inadequate or like they have to compete with something completely unrealistic.

OP: My husband doesn't really like lingerie either. lol. He says it's all the same stuff in different colors. :-) So...try a matching bra and panty set, maybe with a sheer t-shirt over top. Or just the bra and panties...or nothing at all, or just the underwear. Use the "outfits" that he likes to see you in. Maybe do a button-up shirt of his with a pair of lacy undies underneath. There are so many possibilities! And have fun with it--do your hair and makeup (a little more than normal so it shows up in the pictures better!) and everything!


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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: ryanne

I am commenting on ab and ryanne's post....

I think that ab is somewhat correct when it comes to the overall subject of men and porn. I have had this fight with my Fh as well and he only tries to hide it more. I have yet to meet a man who is willing to give up looking at porn to make a woman happy. I think that we live in a society where men tell you "it's something that I have to biologically do, I'm a visual being, blah blah blah" and the women are suppose to just "accept it" and say nothing more. This is the same with strip clubs- men always say that there is nothing to worry about it and it's ok to look at other naked women as long as you are not cheating.

Unfortunately, a lot of this is a societal issue. It has become so normal to exploit women in a sexual way that men just don't care anymore. Obviously, I am not speaking for every man out there, but seriously I do believe that 90% of men look at porn, go to strip clubs, and even if it hurts their girlfriends, fiances, or wives that they will continue to do it because society has told them that it is ok and normal, and that women should just shut up and accept that is how men are. I personally think it's toxic and it makes normal women have an unrealistic perception of how they should look and act, thus why we become jealous and are hurt. I know that I can't compete with what he is looking at on the internet and in movies. It sucks.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: His4life

because society has told them that it is ok and normal

I completely disagree. I think, if anything, society keeps telling us that it's not normal and there's something shameful about a completely human reaction to wanting to see naked women. That's just normal.

I think men are driven by sex as a completely human and biological function. I think women are in complete denial about this -- I think we want to think that it's all about us, all the time. If a man wants to look at another woman naked, it must be about me. I suffer no delusions about that. I know that his desire to jerk off, to occasionally watch porn, to go to the strip club on occasion has nothing at all to do with me. I understand that, because I understand him and how he works. Once I figured that out, it simply stopped bothering me.

In my frank opinion, some women won't accept this and need their significant others to make changes. That's fine. We all make changes for the people we love, and we all create boundaries so that our partners feel safe. But, sometimes I read the stories that women post on these boards, and I think the posters are being unreasonable, and their relationships are destined to suffer for it. This one falls squarely in that category.

Then again, what do I know? I know what's worked for us, but can't say what will work for anyone else. But, still, I really don't think that strip clubs/porn/ the general sex industry is somethng that's functionally wrong with society and women are buying into some sort of great male hype. Sex sells, it will always sell, because the male desire to look at women naked is pretty much akin to my need for a double cheeseburger with bacon -- we just gotta indulge from time to time.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 10:48 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

You have pretty much desexed you man. You tell him no naked women, even Titanic (still don't get that one but whatever). I will not have sex with you. You can masturbate but I want no parts of it. Truly you are creating a monster. No man can live up to your expectations it just isn't going to happen. If you don't bend some you are going to end up losing this man.


 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

Kennys: I think the issue with the Titanic thing was that he watched the scene that was particularly erotic to him over and over and over again. That is kind of weird, if you ask me. And I don't know if he has decided he can't watch it or if the OP did.

MsD: I agree with some of the things you said, but not all of it. :-) I realize that human nature is to look at attractive people. But at the same time, I think that we are capable of higher thought processes and self control. I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to continuously do things that hurt their significant other, especially when they KNOW that what they are doing is hurtful. We say that about all kinds of other things, but we seem to justify this stuff by saying "it's just in their nature".

That's the issue to me more than anything, justifying hurtful behavior by saying "that's just how it is". We stop ourselves from being unneccessarily hurtful all the time. Why should this be any different?

His4Life mentioned how it sucks knowing that her FH watches porn and refuses to stop, and that she hates knowing she can't compete with what he is looking at. Is that really healthy? And is it something she should just accept? I honestly don't think so. Partners should support each other and do things to build each other up--not tear each other down and deliberately hurt them.


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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 12:17 PM Go to message in response to: ryanne

Okay just so you guys know I didn't decide that he couldn't watch Titanic, he decided himself a long time ago before he even met me that he doesn't want to watch Titanic because it'll bring flashbacks to him.

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