FH is a porn addict

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:20 PM

My FH is a porn addict. Recently about a week ago I had put a parental
control web protection program on my computer to prevent him from going
on dating sites and looking at porn. Unfortunately, I didn't have
youtube blocked and today I saw that he was on youtube watching
"Japanese girls making out". I just texted him saying "I'm seriously
tired of this. Its either me or the porn, you have 24 hours to decide".
Me and him are both christians and I have even had him watch a sermon
on Marriage and Men by Pastor Mark Driscoll about it and in the sermon
he says "If your downloading porn or do any other sin such as abusing
your girlfriend or wife, who the hell do you think you are? You are
harming God's daughter and you need to repent or he will turn his back
on you". Do you all have suggestions on how i can block FH from looking
at porn videos? I have now, since I saw it, have blocked Youtube. Also,
here is the link to the sermon if any of you are interested in watching
it, there is also a sermon on Marriage and Women.

Marriage & Men--> http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/tri … ge-and-men

Marriage & Women--> http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/tri … -and-women

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Well, Im not even going to comment on the religious stuff you are throwing out there, because I dont believe in many of the things you say to be true where thats concerned. So Ill just stick with the porn issue.

Listen, most men look at porn sometimes. Its just a fact. Now, when it goes from looking at porn once in awhile or sometimes to ADDICT --- then it becomes a problem. When it is causing issues in your relationship, when he would rather look at porn sites than be with you, or when it causes you bad feelings, then its a problem that needs to be dealt with. However, you cannot treat him like he is a child. He is an adult. I dont think putting blocks on your computer is the best way to go about this. I think you need to have a serious talk between the two of you, about what is and is not acceptable within your relationship. you may need to compromise a bit, and so will he. But you have to come up with terms you can both accept and be happy with. If you find, during this discussion or soon after, that he is , in fact a true porn addict and it is getting in the way of your relationship, then you may have to rethink whether or not you want to marry this man.

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:51 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I don't have much to say on the matter, but hopefully what little information I have can help. You'll probably get a lot of replies from people who say there's nothing wrong with porn, but it seems this situation isn't just a matter of a couple of porn sites. You say it's an addiction, and if that's true, then any addiction is harmful to a relationship. If that's the case, you can replace the words "porn" in your post with "alcohol" just to put this into perspective.

But first I want you to define addiction. Has he said himself that he's addicted? Has he asked you for your help to control the situation? If he wants help and can't control what he does, then you two need to see a counselor. I imagine you'd go to a Christian counselor first, but if that doesn't work, then keep your mind open about secular counselors as well.

But if he hasn't asked for your help, then you need to seriously evaulate several things: 1. your definition of "addicted" and if that accurately describes your fiance; 2. if he is okay with porn but you aren't, is there any compromise you two can make; 3. if you two are dead set on your decisions, then is he really the right guy for you?

The biggest thing that concerns me is that you said he goes to dating websites. That sounds like he's still shopping around. Does he have a profile, or does he just look at the pictures? Because there are much better websites to go to if he just wants it for the pictures. It sounds to me like he's unhappy if he's still looking at other women. That's like going to a bar and flirting with girls to me, because you're evaluating a person you don't know in order to see if you might want them as a prospective lover.

Lastly, you should not have to watch him like this. If he wants your help, there are other ways to do it. Get him to talk to you and admit his sins to you instead of treating him like a child. When you come to him and say, "I saw you went to this porn site today," that's setting him up for the defensive. His next action is going to be to try to defend himself, or to admit his wrong as you send him to time out. He's an adult, and if he thinks this is wrong, then he needs to take the matter into his own hands. You need to be his support, not his mother.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:56 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

"He's an adult, and if he thinks this is wrong, then he needs to take the matter into his own hands."

Well, I think hes already been doing that LOL.

Sorry. Bad joke. But I just couldnt help myself.

I actually agree with just about everythign you said Jream. Good points about defining addiction,etc.

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Kelley, I was SO going to say, "No pun intended," but the rest of my post was so serious, I didn't want my message to be lost. Thanks for pointing it out, though, sheesh!

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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

First of all, I am not a fan of porn either but if you say to him "It's me or the porn. Make your choice in 24 hours!" it will just make him want to watch it more. You will accomplish NOTHING by saying that to him...matter of fact it may make him mad or upset. How often does he watch/look at porn anyway? Plus, I wouldn't really consider him watching girls making out would be considered porn.

If you really don't want him watching/looking at porn, simply talk to him calmly like an adult and say to him something along the lines of "Hunny, I really don't appreciate you looking at porn and it makes me feel (however it makes you feel). I would really like it if you stop." NOW- if he tells you that there is no possible way that he will stop watching porn, tell him "If you still want to watch porn that is fine but you must understand that I don't feel we should continue being together." If he tells you he loves you and doesn't want you to leave then you gotta let him that if he wants to be with you and would rather have you over porn then he should respect your feelings. You can't give him an ultimatum because that will just make things worse. Whatever he decides should be his decision that he makes on his own but not because your FORCING him to choose. You need to let him know that if he wants to stay with you then he should please stop watching/looking at porn but if he wants to continue looking at it then he needs to know you don't think you can keep being with him (if that's how you really honestly feel)

How would you feel if he gave you an ultimatum like you did to him? I know if my FH said something like that to me I wouldn't be too happy. Please don't think this is an attack...I am simply trying to help you out a little.

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:03 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

He has asked me for his help he has told me "I have tried to stop this on my own several times and I just can't. I need you to help me" and he was the one who actually suggested for me to get the web protection program in the first place. He has been addicted to porn ever since 2003 when he graduated high school and it all started with the movie Titanic. Yes he puts profiles up on dating sites but now he hasn't since he knows I will find out since I have always found out one way or the other. I don't like porn, I think its disgusting and is not good for a relationship at all. It makes me feel like I am not good enough for him. Lately, I have told him that I don't want to have sex with him again til marriage and we haven't had sex for 1 week now.

 

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: TattooedStarlit

Well before I had put the web protection program on my computer, he would look at porn every couple of days or even weeks. I will confront him about it tonight when he gets home from work.

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Sorry,but,Titanic??? Thats a movie about a boat sinking, with a tame love story attached. There is no porn in that movie. Please tell us what your definition of porn is, and doesyour FH share the same definition as you do? If he doesnt, thats a problem. As I said before, you two need to talk about the parameters of your relationship, what you will and wont accept. And as pp said and now you have confirmed, the fact that he is/was putting profiles of himself up on dating sites would actually be of bigger concern to me than anything else. This means he is out LOOKING to potentially hook up with or date someone else. Hello?

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Well the scene where Jack draws Rose naked, my FH would watch over and over again and thats why he can't watch Titanic. Me and his definition of porn is sexual acts in either photos or video that are not of yourself but of other people or just even photos of naked people.

 

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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:38 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

OP said that she didn't block YouTube and that FH was watching Japanese girls making out. In my opinion (and maybe many other people's opinion) that isn't considered porn. Plus, I don't believe YouTube even allows porn on their site...PornTube is obviously the porn version of YouTube (although I don't believe the two sites are related)

I think maybe OP and her FH have different definitions of porn?

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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:41 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Rose being drawn naked isn't porn in my book. And there are MANY pictures of naked woman and men out there that AREN'T porn. Matter of fact, I posed naked for one of my college photography classes because the hired model never showed. There is a BIG difference between tasteful and raunchy :)

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 7:54 PM Go to message in response to: TattooedStarlit

Yeah,thats not porn,the scene in Titanic. Not even close. They only show her breasts, and actually, its a beautiful scene in that movie, in my opinion. You say you both agree on what your definition of porn is, but you obviously dont, since he is watching scenes like that over and over again. the more restrictions you put on him, the more ways he will find to see SOMETHING,anything at all. And that wont be too difficult, since you consider any naked person other than yourselves to be porn.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

This is too sad for words. Adults have to be monitored from watching Youtube. Naked breasts is porn. I just watched a NatGeo program the other day and they had naked breast and buttocks. I guess I was really into porn. I think I was also allowing my 12 year old to look at porn since we watched the show together.

Seriously, you two need to decide what porn is and I am thinking you are not on the same page with this. Also living with a man and telling him you will not have sex with him for two years and then shuting off all access to other areas of release is probably the best thing to do. Also the me or the porn ultimatum may just get you an okay in that case I will see you around response. Are you ready for that?


 

 

 

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GollumsGirl Posts : 57 Registered: 7/7/09
Re: FH is a porn addict
Posted: Jul 11, 2009 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Clearly, there are differing opinions on what is and is not porn, I think the important opinion here is that of the OP and her FH, she says they have the same standards and so all other opinions of porn are null and void, except in our own books of course. This includes my own opinion.

I am glad that he admits that it is a problem and wants your help, but I am not sure if you are enough. Because you have been asked to help him, I understand your putting blocks on the computer, especially since he gave you that direction. Most churches have programs to get support for dropping the addiction, if not then XXXChurch.com is a great place to talk from what I have heard. It really helped my BF before we were even together. I had been praying for years that my FH would not be addicted to porn and about 3 months before we even became friends he kicked it cold turkey. I know this is unusual but it shows how gracious God is in answering our prayers and desires.
I agree with your ultimatum of "me or the porn". It will show him that you are serious about it, it will also give you a good idea of where his loyalties lie. If he truly wants to stop looking at porn then he will seek help and more accountability, but I do want to encourage you again in what you are doing, you are actually being a good helpmate. If he doesn't seek out more help, or just continues finding more and more stuff to look at, that is your queue to decide if you want to be 3rd best in his life (God, Porn, you) or if you want to find someone who will make you the second. If you understand where I am coming from, God should come before any spouse.
Just a side note: I too am a Christian and I understand the desire to be aligned with God's will, but I would never say that God would turn His back on your FH or any of His other Children! That is not the God of the New Testament, that isn't the heart of the Father that Jesus came to earth to show us. I am not saying that the intent behind Mark Driscoll's message was inaccurate, I think maybe the interpretation was a little confusing in the presentation.
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