Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner

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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 12:21 PM

Okay, I just got married on June 20, 2009. I had my rehearsal lunch the day before and had invited everyone involved in the wedding, their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and even 1 guy who decided to come uninvited as well as a few others. We offered everyone involved in the wedding and other friends of ours that are in college free housing and meals for the week prior to the wedding. And we were on an extremely tight budget (wedding was only 7k and that was over budget).

Our best man is getting married July 25 and is having a very large, extravegant wedding. He and his fiance told my husband (his best man) that I am not allowed at the rehearsal dinner. I am very hurt by this. I have researched it and found that it is proper to invite those involved and their spouses. I never found anything saying otherwise.

Am I wrong for feeling upset, let down and a little enraged? My husband is going to talk to our best man (the groom) this weekend...but I also don't want to get a pity invite now. We never got an invitation in the mail either. It was returned and never re-mailed so, honestly we don't even know the time of the wedding -- and my husband is the best man!!

i don't know what to do.

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

Dear Sara,

"He and his fiance told my husband (his best man) that I am not allowed at the rehearsal dinner. I am very hurt by this. "

And well you should be. It is an Etiquette Felony (and friendship-breaker) to invite a husband to a social male/female event and not his wife.

My suggestion to you is to talk to your husband. Tell him you are hurt. You have every right to be hurt.

I can't tell your husband what to do. I don't know what kind of relationship he has with the friend, nor do I know if it's just the bride is being a big jerk. I can tell you what my husband would do, in such a circumstance.

(Parenthetically, we've been married 33 years. We have a lot of history together, and raised two children to adulthood.)

My husband would tell the friend to find a new best man. Preferably a single best man, so there will be no hurt feelings for the jilted fiancée or wife left at home. My husband would make a decision that the feelings of his wife come before the friendship of a buddy. He would have a private talk with the groom, state his intention to back out of the entire wedding, and make sure the groom knew the decision was final.

I would do the same thing if our positions were reversed, that is if I were a matron of honor and my husband was excluded from the rehearsal dinner invitation.

Furthermore, my husband and I would decline the wedding invitation and pretty much figure the friendship was over.

It's a fact of married life that, within reason, you have to put the feelings and wellbeing of the spouse over that of others. This is, in my opinion, one of those times.

As I said, I can't tell your husband what to do. It's his decision. I will say that I think the couple's excluding you, the best man's wife, from the rehearsal dinner is really really rotten.

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greenpansy Posts : 55 Registered: 6/23/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

That is just tacky! You are supposed to include the significant others of everyone in your bridal party. If they didn't want to extend invitations to significant others then they should have chosen people who were married to each other as their bridal party. For example: Best Man is married to MOH, GM #1 married to BM #1, etc. Then they wouldn't have to worry about the extra expense of significant others.

Elizabeth

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 2:25 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

I agree with AOTB. Your FH should talk to his friend. If you didn't get an invite (with an apology), I would expect that your husband would drop out (and find a new friend!)

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 3:08 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

Wow I agree with everything that aunt said...that is very offensive and I would be hurt too. I hope everything works out for you!

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 3:49 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

I wouldn't be upset at all, My husband is a groomsman in a wedding next weekend, I am not a member of the wedding party and I am not invited to the rehearsal or the rehearsal dinner and it never occured to me to care.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: myra

dear Myra,

She doesn't want a "pity invite", and I don't blame her.

I think it best for the husband and groom to have a dude-to-dude talk so the OP's husband can back out. If the grooms says something like "I wanted to invite everyone, but the bride does not and I had to go along with what she wants", it's time for OP's husband to say "Friend, I'll be there for you when you eventually spilt up with her. Until then, I have to stick by my wife.".

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I hope for her sake that is the conversation that takes place. However, I am thinking if it didn't happen already it might not happen. I don't know about ettiquete but I don't ever remember going to a rehearsal dinner if I wasn't a member of the wedding party. It just isn't something we do.

I didn't have a dinner because I would have preferred not to have to deal with the SO of some of the wedding party. I don't care for some of the people in my friends lives and I try to avoid them as much as possible. They were invited to the wedding but they found seats at tables with other people they knew they were not seated at the head table and I didn't plan to put them there either.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

"I would have preferred not to have to deal with the SO of some of the wedding party"

SO is one thing. Spouse or fiancé(e) is another. It's OK to follow a strict No Ring No Bring rule, and that might be a problem solver in the situation you described as disliking the SOs. I'll add that by "fiancé(e), I am referring to a genuine, legitimate engagement leading to an actual marriage, not a perpetual pseudo-engagement that drags on for years with no marriage in sight. It bugs me, somewhat, to hear people refer to "fiancé(e)" when they really mean boyfriend or girlfriend.

I think you did the right thing, in your particular situation, to just skip the dinner. That's totally OK.

It is, however, general good manners to invite a spouse to a coed social event. The OP is hurt and angry and I think she has every right to feel that way. You say you are not hurt nor angry about your husband being invited without you; that is your right and your business.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 7:25 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm in between on the AOTB-to-Kennys continuum. I do think spouses should be invited. If it were my husband's best friend getting married and I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner, I would expect my husband to make it clear I needed to be invited to the RD or else he wouldn't be coming, and if I still were not invited, to stay home from the RD. However, I would NOT expect him to drop out of the wedding party.

Also, I'm thinking of this all in the context of my DH's actual best friend, who is a good person in general but who I might expect to make etiquette blunders like that. So I would see that kind of thing as an etiquette blunder/limited finances thing on his part and would even accept a pity invite once he realized the error of his ways.

But if the groom (and bride) in general are fairly selfish and thoughtless people and you're not even sure why you're friends with them anyway, then maybe AOTB's advice is the way to go.

preview image

 

 

 

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 7:41 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

"She doesn't want a pity invite and I don't blame her."

I don't blame her either, and that's why I said to expect an invite "with an apology." If she doesn't get an invite, she's upset; but, if she won't accept a belated invite if it's offerend, then she gives everyone no place to go and no way to rectify the situation. So, if the invite is offered and her husband values his friendship with the groom-to-be, she can accept or she can decline graciously, but at least everyone has an "out."
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Ladies,

I agree with Myra and Happy Girl on the importance of the motivation. If the bride and groom are just etiquette clueless, then a word to the wise might be all that's needed.

If, on the other hand, they are just plain selfish, that's another story.

Myra is right. Accepting the belated invitation, if it was the result of cluelessness, might be a good "out".

***

I'll add this. Some people say "I don't care about etiquette. I'm going to do what I want." That's OK, sometimes. This is a case where it is not OK. By excluding the best man's wife from the rehearsal dinner, they have made her hurt and angry, possibly jeopardizing the men's friendship.

The bride and groom are out of line here, and it's too bad that no one, like a parent, took time to set them straight.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt a SO is a wife and/or fiance and/or girlfriend of some members of the wedding. I just lumped them all together. I make no distinction in title. I don't like the best man's wife I don't invite her to my home I don't go to theirs. He comes to our house and Kenny goes to theirs. He is a friend of my husband's not mine. I invited her to the wedding because that was the right thing to do. Had we had the RD she would not have been invited I did not have to be in close quarters with her at the wedding that would not have been the case at the RD, as I said I will not pretend to like someone if I don't. I feel the same way about my brother's wife. I stay away from her as much as is possible.

I suppose my feelings just don't get hurt so easily. Stuff like not being included in things just doesn't bother me and I don't understand people who are so easily hurt. I am of the mind that I don't want to be anywhere or with anyone who doesn't want me.

People may not know or in some cases not care that they are hurting feelings. If the bride doesn't want her there for some reason does that reflect on the groom? In my mind it would be no in others I guess the opposite is true.





Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

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Edited by: kennysoldwife on Jul 2, 2009 9:21 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 12:43 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

I think in your situation you have a sort of mutual detente with someone you dislike but is married to one of your husband's friends. It sounds like you two have nothing in common, but you can behave civilly.

You can't help but see each other, occasionally, but you pretty much stay away from each other if possible.

That kind of thing happens. My husband has a friend who I detest. We both have friends that are not "common" to us both. However with that one exception, I am on pleasant, friendly terms with his friends as he is with mine.

That's the more normal situation. If the OP in this case believed that she had a friendly, pleasant, if not super-close, relationship with the happy couple, then it's a snub to invite her husband but not her (the wife) to the rehearsal dinner.

It's just a general etiquette rule to invite established couples (and I would include all SOs, as you said, including same-sex couples) to social events. If one part of the couple doesn't care to go, for whatever reason, then the invitation can be accepted for just one person. Nothing wrong with that.

It's hard to know the motivation of the engaged couple in this case. As I said before, they may be just clueless or very selfish and cheap.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 8:49 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

OP let me ask you this are you and the bride friends or on friendly terms? That can make a huge difference especially at this time in her life. As you know it is a stressful time so if a person had not so friendly feelings towards someone a way to avoid added stress would be to avoid that person. If you two are not friends or friendly the reason you did not receive an invite may be as I described. If that is the case you will continue to have problems with this young lady.

I do hope your husband and his best man can get this worked out to your satisfaction if it doesn't I hope it does not ruin their friendship. Unfortunately we don't always get along with the partners of our partners. Sometimes the best way to handle that is just to stay away from each other.


 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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