Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

dear Agape,

The rule is to invite married or engaged couples together to coed (male/female) social events. Some people include living-together or seriously long-time dating couples. I include any same-sex couples who live as though they were married, but do not have the legal option of marriage.

There are plenty of "women only" or "men only" events where it is totally OK to just invite the woman or the man.

But if the event is mixed-sex, then both should be, at least, invited. It may be the case the only one part of the married couple wants to go, or is able to go, and in that case the hosts should be comfortable with a decline from one and accept from the other.

I guess if my husband is invited to some coed event, alone, my question would be "And what activities are you planning, with unknown women present, where it is appropriate for my husband to participate but not me?". Something like that plants distrust between the husband and wife.

Thus, if either of us (husband and me) were to receive an invitation to a mixed-sex social event and if one were to be excluded, we would just not participate. The person invited would politely decline.

There are exceptions, of course. If you know that your friend's husband is a convicted child molestor and you are having a kids birthday party, then it's entirely appropriate to ask him to stay home. Past bad behavior can justify exclusion.

(I just thought of this) Another glaring exception is the work-related party. It is often the case that only employees are invited to, eg, a resort area retreat or other work-related event.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

This is just not a rule I follow, I don't invite couples if I don't like or associate with one half of the couple it just isn't me. If the invited person wants to decline that is fine, but I am just not going to pretend I like a person and wish to include them when I don't. That to me just makes no sense. I guess I am just no good at faking the funk.





Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm pretty much with Aunt and Myra here. I don't know if it would rise to the level of frienship-busting, but I think it's rude to not invite the spouse to a co-ed event. And that includes pretty much any social gathering.

Now, if no other spouses are invited, then I would just chalk it up to the family doesn't know the faux pas. But if some others are invited, then I'd take it personally.

__________________________________________

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 9:32 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

"Now, if no other spouses are invited, then I would just chalk it up to
the family doesn't know the faux pas. But if some others are invited,
then I'd take it personally."


Same.

I forget if you mentioned this or not, but do you know if the other members of the wedding party are allowed to bring their spouses? If so, I'd ask why your spouse was not included. If no one else's spouses were, I wouldn't worry about it - the family either doesn't know ettique or is just being cheap.

Have you talked to other members in the wedding party? How do they feel about this? Are they planning on bringing their spouses anyway if they weren't invited? If everyone is planning on bringing a date or spouse, then go for it - you'd hate to be the only one sitting there without your spouse while everyone else went ahead and brought theirs anyway. And if that ruins the brides whole day/night then she's got bigger issues, IMO.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

I asked this earlier in the thread and NONE of the spouses are invited.

 

 

 

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Sarah0830 Posts : 1 Registered: 7/13/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

I just had to respond to this thread. I actually signed up just so I could!

I am having a similar issue. My husband is a groomsmen and I was not invited to the rehearsal dinner. I am completely insulted and think this is rude and very tacky. They also are in their early 30s and if money is an issue, than perhaps they should have a cheaper wedding. We also just found out that the rehearsal dinner is at a very expensive restaurant. I certainly would rather maintain my long term relationships with my friends and have a BBQ than insult everyone in the party. On top of all this, they sent us a wedding invitation just addressed to us, not our child. This is completely acceptable in my eyes. Many couples prefer no kids at their wedding and I was fine with that. What I wasn't fine with was the groom calling my husband and telling him that he hopes he knows that no kids are allowed. This just sent me over the edge!!! It was quite clear on the invitation, it is even more insulting to remind guests to not bring their children.

I am a pretty outspoken person and called the groom and told him I thought he was very rude to call my husband and "remind" him that no kids were allowed. I told him that just because he didn't have proper etiquette (by not inviting spouses to the groomsmens dinner), didn't mean I didn't.

Needless to say, I will not be attending the wedding. I didn't like his future wife much to begin with because she has been rude on more than one occasion and I think she only cares about herself and her agenda.

BUT, in my anger I searched the internet and I found a wonderful suggestion for people who don't just want to suck it up, but who also don't want to get walked all over either. Have your husband attend the rehearsal, but then dismiss himself for the dinner. If they ask why, he could simply say, "I would like to spend some time with my wife." This sends a message but respects their decision.

In the end, honestly, who really wants to be friends with a couple who treats their friends and friends' spouses so rudely. NOT ME!! Good luck and let me know what happens!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 8:11 PM Go to message in response to: Sarah0830

Dear Sarah,

"What I wasn't fine with was the groom calling my husband and telling him that he hopes he knows that no kids are allowed. "

If you only knew how many people drag uninvited Junior to a wedding unless SPECIFICALLY told not to, you would have somewhat kinder feelings. Besides, when the couple shows up with Junior in tow, and are told they cannot come in with Junior, what are they supposed to do? They can't just park Junior in the hallway, so they would just turn around and go home. There's no other choice. Meanwhile, the wedding reception dinner will have two more paid-for no-shows.

The way I see it, there's plenty of blame to go around. They invited your husband, but not you, to the RD. That's a major etiquette felony. Then, there was the phone call, a misdemeanor. I can see you thinking of these as boors.

But telling someone, in anger, they are rude is also rude. You really should not have done that. People like that are not going to feel good about getting etiquette instruction from you.

Better to do as you suggested. Your husband attends the rehearsal, but declines IN ADVANCE the dinner invitation. No good dropping the bomb right before the dinner, when his spot has been planned and paid for. No, he should tell his friend "I'm sorry, but even though I will be at the rehearsal, I won't be able to attend the dinner." If pressed, then something like "My wife and I usually attend social events as a couple." is plenty.

Similarly, your husband accepts the wedding invitation, but you decline. He has to accept that as he is already promised to be a groomsman. Get the darn wedding over with, then cool your friendship with the couple. (Personally, I'd attend the wedding just to watch the trainwreck. Besides, you usually attend social events, even dreadful ones, as a couple.)

Still, you should not have blown up at the guy. He'll just use that as justification for not having invited you to the RD. "Gee, how could we invite her? She blows her temper at the least little thing.".

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 9:08 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

So who was ruder or more rude or whatever? The couple who possibly didn't want the wife for being an outspoken person or the outspoken person who had the gall to call someone and tell them they were rude? As I have stated above I don't include people I don't like in my plans if I don't have to. I know the PP would have choice words for me.

I can imagine the groom having made the call about the kid because the RSVP's had started coming back with people accepting for their kids so to head things off they made the call as a matter of courtesy. I would have done that. If cousin Sally had accepted for three and Uncle Al accepted for five. I would have said hey honey do you think we should let people know that we are having an adults only wedding?

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 14, 2009 12:32 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

I'm pretty much in agreement with you on this one. Rudeness was met with more rudeness, so there's plenty of blame to go around.

" the RSVP's had started coming back with people accepting for their kids so to head things off they made the call as a matter of courtesy."

Yep, we all know that happens. In order to avoid embarrassing scenes and associated shouting matches complete with screaming kids when people are turned away at the door, the couple decided to get on the phone and remind parents to leave their kids at home. It's not totally perfect etiquette, but a necessary evil these days.

The RSVP card, itself, technically is poor etiquette because it assumes the invited guest is too stupid or too lazy to get out their own paper, write their own accept/decline note, address their own envelope, stick their own stamp on it and drop it in the mail. It is an etiquette evil that has become necessary, since without pre-printed, pre-addressed, pre-stamped RSVP cards, so few people would bother to reply.

I am always faced with a dilemma when I get an RSVP card. On the one hand, I'd like to use my own stationery, my own envelope and do it "right". On the other hand, my card won't fit in the card box with all the others, and a pre-stuck uncancelled stamp is left on my desk. So, I hope my departed Etiquette Queen grandmother up in Heaven is looking the other way as I use the RSVP card and envelope.

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 14, 2009 10:15 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt,

Point taken about wariness around your partner being invited to co-ed social functions solo. It does irk me when female friends of FH invite him to activities and don't include me. Definitely irritates me, although depending on the situation (and my perception of the friend) my expression of that irritation ranges from mild to...not quite as pleasant =)

But I do disagree about the RD, especially with the anger of the most recent poster. In my view the rehearsal itself is only for the people in the wedding party and the dinner is essentially a thank you for their participation and support. Although it can include out of town guests, it's basically for the wedding party. To me it's similar to a dinner for your sports team or club that you belong to where membership is clearly set out. When you have a team/club members banquet or dinner out and no spouses are included I don't see it as an affront, but simply a closed group activity. These sometimes happen, shouldn't always be the case, but when it's the exception rather than the rule I think it's fine. As a wife/fw/gf etc I think I'd look pretty silly if I made a scene because I wasn't invited to a football team dinner =)

Regarding the phone call about no kids....I've been reading Brides for about 2yrs now and the only thing that seems to get people more irate than the "fake wedding" discussion is the "kids-no kids" discussion (and don't worry, I wont go there!). An invitation should be enough, but given that some people have difficulty respecting the host's wishes for one reason or another, I agree that it's a necessary evil these days to follow up with a gentle reminder. If someone wants to take their toys and leave the sandbox because of that, then maybe the friendship was more show than substance to begin with and this is a wonderful way to bring that to light. Don't sweat the small stuff folks!


 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 14, 2009 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: Agape14

If someone wants to take their toys and leave the sandbox because of
that, then maybe the friendship was more show than substance to begin
with and this is a wonderful way to bring that to light.


I just have to say this might be my new favorite way to refer to someone as being childish.

 

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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 20, 2009 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

The difference with what you are talking about and my situations is that those occurance in which you don't mind your SO being invited is mainly all girl or all guy events...the guys hanging out or you and your girlfriends going to the movies. No, also, wouldn't be upset about not being invited to such things. I would be bored most likely. However, not being invited to a dinner in which it is both male and female in attendance AND the wife of the officiant is invited...kind of rude. Not only that, I am friends with easily 90% or more of the wedding party (including bride and groom...my husband is the grooms best man/friend).

 

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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 20, 2009 1:09 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

Actually, the wife of the officiant is invited "out of courtesy".

As of this past Saturday (7/18) my husband told the groom that he
wasn't going to attend the dinner because he didn't feel it was right
that the wife of the officiant was invited but not his wife. The groom
said, well all the other wives aren't invited either, just the
officiants. And my husband told him that's fine, but I won't be
attending because I don't feel that that is right. So, the groom talked
to the bride and called my husband back and told him, fine she (me) can
come.

I am still so frustrated by this...gah. oh well, I guess we are both going now.

 

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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 20, 2009 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Actually, the officiant's wife is invited "out of courtesy" (that's what the groom said.)

 

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 20, 2009 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

I'm going through this right now. I was asked to be a reader in a wedding this week and the girl 1) texted me to ask and 2) didn't invite DH to the rehersal.

 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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