Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 12:22 AM

I am getting married on Oct 11th but my FH has been very distant lately. When he gets home from work he doesn't kiss me anymore, he doesn't say goodnight before going to bed, and he just seems like he would rather be elsewhere. He even came home from work this morning after his midnight shift (he's a cop) and then left again for overtime work because (as he put it) he "had to get away" from me. I am just so sad because all I did was ask him for a little more attention and just for him not to take me for granted.

I don't understand why asking for him to show me he cares can be so horrible? I am beginning to get to the point of giving up. I told him what I need and what is important to me and the ball is in his court. I guess I am venting more than asking for advice. Well, no, I do want advice, too. Help!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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TheFutureMrsMcc... Posts : 8 Registered: 1/30/09
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 1:15 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and probably frustrated about this whole ordeal. Being in his kind of work can be pretty stressful as many know.. I know that too because my FH is also part of the field. Twelve hour workshifts are pretty sucky, by any means. It just comes to a point where you have to make time and sit down and talk about everything.. At least that is what we do.
But it didn't happen to be like that overnight.. This kind of job makes them seem hardened and put off by everyone. I thought at first that he was not going to open up about what was going on at work, and just in general, his mind. But soon he learned to trust me fully...
But back to you, heh, could there be anything at work causing him to be like this? Has he lately sat down to talk about work with you? If he hasn't, then maybe something is going on.. If he has talked to you, then maybe he has pre-wedding jitters. Just try to see if he will open up to you..
Just try to see what is going on with him... Don't give up on him if he is really worth it..
I really hope that he comes to his senses and sees that basically ignoring you is not good and that you do need attention from him..

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 1:49 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

My DH is not a cop. He does work long stupid hours. I know that Kelley's DH is an EMT so he also has a high stress job. So, whatever anyone else says, a job is NEVER an excuse for treating your soulmate, lover, BFF like crap.

DH and I work opposite schedules. I'm 8-5 and he's 12noon to 12midnight. I won't lie that it sucks seeing him so much less since I changed departments/shifts. We had a talk about how we were going to stay close mentally and physically. The first couple of weeks were hard. I cried because I never saw him and he wasn't demanding a weekend day off for us. We've started to work out a cute messaging system. DH makes an effort to send me e-cards to my work email, notes in my lip gloss case, or texts through the day to say hi or how much he loves me. I do the same for him as well. I also take an early nap so I can wake up when he gets home and spend time with him. He wakes me up with the sweetest kisses on my cheek or forehead. That's how your FH should treat you.

Instead of having to get away, he should be happy to come home to the person he loves. I know when DH has bad days all he wants to do is come home and relax. I'm the same way. I can't wait to see DH when I know he's off work waiting for me at home. I will not plan anything on Wednesdays because I want to see him.

I really don't have any advice right this second. I have a couple of questions. They are going to sound bitchy, but I don't know how else to ask them.

How do you ask FH for attention?
A: "I never see you. It's unfair. I hate it....you need to do this, you should do this for me"
B: "Baby I missed you so much today. Hey, I know we haven't been doing too much out lately so what do you think to date night next Wednesday? You pick the movie and we can make nachos together. I really want to make the time we have together special"

I know those are lame examples. If you're doing A and accusing him or putting the responsibility on him to figure out how to see you more/treat you better, he will withdraw from you. My DH is in charge of 30-50 employees and hundreds of customers on any given day. Your DH is in charge of hundreds of lives. So, the last thing they want to do is leave one stressful situation and step into another one they can't control. When it comes to B, you're still letting him have control (not really but he thinks that) but you're taking charge of all the details. He'll feel appreciated instead of nagged.

Trust me. I tried A the first time DH and I were on opposite schedules. We had been dating about a year. I told him "you should change your shift. You should try to come over to my house since you don't wake up early. You should do this for me me me."

If none of the above applies to you, what on earth do you think could have triggered this? Maybe more background will help more ladies provide advice.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 9:13 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I agree with Mush. My husband has a really stressful job; but honestly; coming home is what keeps him sane. Its his sanctuary. He gets through work by thinking about coming home to me, the kitties, and the peacefulness of all that here. He has gotten really good at "leaving work at work" and being able to seperate it from our life together as a couple.

If your fiance basically told you in plain english that he need to get away from you, then one of two things is happening here. Either A. you are creating an environment at home that is not fun or relaxing for him to come home to and therefore he doesnt enjoy coming home to you or B. he really needs /wants to get away from you because hes not feeling the same way as he once did; hence the distant feeilng, etc etc. I hope it is the first of these choices, because that can be fixed with a simple adjustment to one anothers feelings and emotions. If its the second one though, then you both have some serious soul searching to do before you get married. As in, right now.

So either way, it is imperative that you sit down and talk to one another about all of this. Just bring it up by teling him what you have told us. "Hon, I feel like we need to talk because Im very concerned about our relationship especially so close to the wedding. I feel like you are being very distant and like you dont want to be close to me anymore. Im feeling really shut off from your life, and like you dont enjoy our time together. Am I doing something to make you feel that way, or has something changed? We need to figure this out together because I love you and if we cant communicate now, Im concerned for our future. Please talk to me."

Dont attack him or say any of this the minute he walks in the door from a 14hour shift. Say it gently and during a time when you are both somewhat relaxed and just home together. But however you do it, it NEEDS to be said.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 11:10 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I wanted to say two things. The first is I'm sorry you're in this position so close to your wedding day. That part probably adds an extra dimension of stress. The second is to say that I agree with everything the ladies have said before me, so I won't say it all again, just that you should really think about what they wrote.

 

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

In terms of advice... I don't have anything new.. My FH was in the Army and then moved to Ohio and that was hard for us... We NEVER saw each other. He did move back and now that he is working nights I won't see him for like a week. Seriously. He won't get home until after I leave for work and he won't be home when I get there either because has to leave before I get home. It sucks.

I agree with what the other ladies said... He shouldn't be taking it out on you. And if you are seriously barley seeing him as is why should he need more time away?? Thats something you need to think about. If Brandon ever came home when we worked different shifts and told me he needed to get away from me I would know that something was up... I don't think I could let it slide.


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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 2:22 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I agree with the other ladies--you two need to talk, now. Remembering your previous posts, I know that you have had lots of stress in your life recently. I do not know how your medical issues worked out, but I do know that they were a real concern. You also have children, which can complicate the picture. One thing I do know--you don't walk down the aisle if either of you has serious doubts.

When I have really serious issues to discuss with my DH, and I'm likely to get emotional, irrational, or just plain bitchy if I bring them up, I have been known to write him a letter. I can get my thoughts straight and say exactly what I want to say, without getting off track or arguing. He gets time to read it and think about it. I've been known to "make an appointment" to talk with him. Somehow, this seems to keep us more rational and on-track than my just popping off the handle the moment he walks through the door (he's in a high-stress career too, as a psychiatrist. He listens to people's problems all day--sometimes, he's too drained to hear about mine or ours when he comes home). So, timing is important when you confront serious issues and so is doing a bit of planning about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I'm sorry you're dealing with this mess right now, but count it as a BLESSING that this 'mood change' surfaced BEFORE the wedding. This gives you some time to address the issue(s) before you walk down the aisle. Regardless how bad it hurts right now, imagine how you would feel as a newly wed dealing with a sudden shift in your man. What's meant to be will be...kinda like Alanis Morrisett (sp?) said it..."Life has a funny way of helping you out". Hang in there :)

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 3:31 PM Go to message in response to: ToyToy09

So he and I had several really good long talks. First off, he told he that he said that he thought of leaving because of something I said. I agree that I didn't word it right...I said that I felt he didn't show me he loved me, but I meant that he doesn't often TELL me. I guess that in between the tears and all I messed up my words. He feels that actions are louder than words and that it's much easier to tell someone you love them than to do the things each day that show that you love them.

Work for him has been quite stressful lately because they had several guys out and they were running on a minimum manpower squad schedule. We basically came to an understanding that he would have to tell me how he felt because I never took an ESP course in college ;-)
I told him that I thought men and women are different. I want to HEAR the words whereas he' ok without saying it. The very next day he was the one who said goodnight that I love you and leaned in for a kiss rather than me...not that I mind doing it, but I wanted HIM to do that once in a while. We have both been running full speed with life and all its stresses and we just needed to clear the air and it helped. He also said that I use my brain way too much...haha. He said he isn't a very emotional person...which I knew.

He isn't a romantic type, and that's ok. I just want to feel special and now he knows that he doesn't have to do very much for me to get my fill. I also know not to bug him until he tells me what is wrong...like when he's had a crappy day at work. I am usually pretty good about leaving him alone to deal with things but sometimes the typical woman in me wants to know what is wrong to try to fix it and I need to realize I can't always fix evberything and sometimes it isn't something that needs fixing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I work 24 hour shifts and deal with very bad situations at work (I'm in EMS too). I have found myself taking it out on the FH and I really don't mean to. Hell do something little to set me off and I make it a bigger deal than it should be. Although I'm also going to school full time and have to play catch up on trying to get my clinicals done so my stress level is for sure a 10.


I was engaged to a police officer back in the day. He didn't have much stress since he was a young wild one. But man he was crazy lol Police officers have a VERY bad habit of holding in their emotions and it NEVER ends well. My ex was VERYYYYYY over protective. To the point where he HAD to know where I was every second and why I was there. he would want to fight those who looked at me and was just an idiot about some things. So be sure you know what you're getting into and be 100% sure you're willing to put up with it.

Living with ANYONE in the public service field can be very hard. I'm actually thinking very hard of getting out. I'm tired of always being sleepy and having back pain. I'm only 25 and feel like i'm 60.
Sometimes you have to step back and put youself in their posistion. I hate to say it but those in this field also have a VERY high rate of divorce. You have to give a little to get a little. Getting upset wont work. Talking it out may...

Glad to see it looks like things are doing better though! Just keep it in your mind that it's a hard road to be on. (the sig. other of a public service worker)

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somedaysoon Posts : 32 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I know this sounds cheezy, but have you ever read a book called "The Five Love Languages"? It is about how different people express/receive love in different ways. For example, I am a touch person. I need to have my hand held or an arm around me and that makes me feel safe and loved. FH needs to be told. I text him or leave him notes and that satisfies his love language. It's a great book and I highly recommend it. You mentioned that your FH didn't realize being told was as important to you, this seems like it might help him understand the differences.

Good luck with everything!

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Fiance is distant and told me he thought of leaving
Posted: Jul 1, 2009 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

MrsJD, I think the biggest thing you two need to do is talk about your communication differences. I'm glad that you realize men speak in actions and women speak in words (there is some crazy statistic out there that basically says women use TONS more words in their lifetimes than men do--I think I've used up enough words for about a hundred guys by now). This is where you guys need to compromise now. You need to make sure that you're showing him through whatever actions that you love him (I give my man massages when he's hurting) and you also need to pay attention to his actions (Chris will clean the litter box if I'm having a bad day, even though that's normally my job). Even if they're little things, they show you that he cares. Also, along the lines of compromise, tell him (without tears) that he needs to say he loves you just a little more, comment on your hair, call you just to say hi, etc. Not to the point where it makes him uncomfortable, but just a little more. And try to focus more on those actions that he's giving you.

I'm glad you've patched things up a little more. I would suggest leaving the drama out of your conversations. If you're crying and hysterical, your message isn't going to come across the way you want it to--he might think the situation is a lot more relationship-threatening than it really is. Try to calm down, or let him calm you down, and then talk about things when you're better.

One last thing: everyone needs their quiet time. If he needs to get out of the house, let him. He's probably thinking about everything. When the moment is calm enough, talk to him about how he feels. We all need a little time to ourselves in relationships.

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