problems having our first time

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 9:04 AM

Hi, my wife and I were engaged for 5 years before getting married 5/30/2009. Both of us are virgins although because of my past sinful life style I have seen ALOT of porn i'm ashamed to admit.

at any rate, the reason why i took the time to creat an account and post is because dispite our attempts we have been unable to have our first time. she gets very excited and wet (sorry for being graphic) but when we try it hurts her so bad it almost brings her to tears. I go slow, bit by bit only when she says i can, we do plenty of for play before hand... as far as I know we are doing everything right.

i brought some lube to try to help things along but when we try to use it it burns her on the inside. she has very sensitive skin. we have since bought 3 different kinds of lube, all unsented and unflavored. we tryed normal KY and i even got so desperate as to go to an adult store and ask for advice. they gave me a water based lube and promised me it would bot burn, yet it burned ... although not as quickly as the others.

we are useing lubercated condoms, and the lube on the condom doesnt burn her (i put one on a finger a few times so that my finger nails wouldnt hurt her and we tryed to lossen her enterence that way)

in an atempt to get past the pain herself she has tryed inserting her own finger, and then fingers (she was able to do 2 fingers once but it hurt her bad and she got blood) her fingers are very narrow though.

she has tryed getting on top so she could control things ... i got half way in or so and she couldnt bear it anymore.

we had a wonderful honny moon and its going on 3 weeks now since we have been married but this is obviously a problem, i could force it but if she hates it she will never want to do it again...

any advice is apricated

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 9:40 AM Go to message in response to: Logikos

It sounds like you guys are doing a lot of things right. But has your wife gotten checked out by a gynecologist? If she hasn't--for this specific problem or just for a checkup--she should go. That way the dr. can make sure she's healthy down there and that there's no infection causing the pain, and she can talk about her sex concerns. Maybe you could even go with her so you could participate in the Q & A part of the appointment.

I mention this because it seems like a number of virgin brides-to-be come on here saying they've never been to an ob-gyn, which always seems weird to me because I was taught that you start going when either 1) you start having sex or 2) you turn 18, whichever comes first. So just ruling that out.

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 9:56 AM Go to message in response to: Logikos

I agree with Happy. Maybe she should see an OBGYN. They can give you some advice about what is going on and maybe even other things that may help.


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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:04 AM Go to message in response to: Lilmisssouthern...

WHatever you do, do NOT force it. That will truly damage her both physically and mentally for a long time to come.

Are you doing any sort of foreplay , like oral sex, to turn her on before you have intercourse? Even though she is excited, most women still need and want that. Most women orgasm from oral sex, not from intercourse, so if youre not taking a lot of time kissing her and giving her a lot of foreplay first, she probably will not be receiving you as well. Im pretty sure watching lots of porn will not show you those things. Most pornography isnt exactly fond of women and treats them like objects. You need to think of sex as just another way to show your wife the love you have for her. Be gentle, loving, and slow, and always ask her how does this feel, are you okay, etc. At least in the beginning stages when things are still new.

Most importantly though, your wife NEEDS to go see a gynocologist. She may very well have a medical condition that is causing her to be in so much pain, such as endometriosis. If the two of you are married, and having intercourse, then you are both old enough to be seeing a doctor regularly. Actually, its super important for women to start seeing a gynocologist even sooner than that. So if she hasnt gone yet, find a doctor and make an appointment asap. And dont have any more sex until you do. You dont want to be harming her if she DOES have a medical condition, which is entirely possible.

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Thanks for the replys, when we first meet she had never been to an OBGYN before. she is indian and was raised in kuwait and before meeting me she knew absolutly nothing about anything sexual, not even how her own body works...

she has been in the US since '02 and is now a citisizen however about 2 to 3 years ago she started itching down there really badly and after about a year i finaly forced her to go see an OBGYN ... with no insurance it cost us like $230 or something to have the doctor say she was fine and that it was just a yeast infection. how a virgin girl who never does anything sexualy and washes her self thuraly every time she uses the bathroom (she has unusualy bathroom habits) gets a yeast infection i dont know.

the doc gave her some pills which helped a little but not much. a year later she was still itching so we went back and the doc said the yeast infection was gone and recomeded some cream for the itching which didnt work. ... anouther $100+ out the window

we then went to a dermotolgest .. which cost us a couple hundered also who said the itching was caused by ..... some long word which i dont remember that basicly means that because she scratched so much the skin was dry and callised which was causeing the itching? ... at any rate she perscribed this ouintment to help the skin go back to normal and releave the itchy feeling ... which works when she uses it ... however she's having to actualy put it around her clity and everything ... inside the lips a bit ... which i dont think is a good idea but she says it helps

but when she doesnt use it for a week or so she starts itching again ...

i'm sure there are some good doctors out there but my experience with doctors in the past has been extreamly bad ... you spend alot of money and get no results ... or results like these which only mask the sympton rather than take care of the problem ... something is causeing her to itch like mad ... this cream is only temporairly masking the itchy feeling so she doesnt scratch herself raw


but this post isnt about her itchy problem ... its just to explain that she has been to an OBGYN ...

my wife is extreamly shy and it was like pulling teeth to get her to go to both doctors ... we have not been to the OBGYN about this exact issue, however when we were there she checked everything includeing a pap smear (whatever that is) and said my wife is perfectly healthy

back to the original problem, someone recomded we try olive oil (that is what his wife used to help her give birth i guess 4 different times) ... any thoughts on that?

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Thanks for the reply kelly,

the pron i watched was before and just shorly after I got saved (not knowing if your a christian or not that may mean nothing to you) ... at any rate i've been very gentel with her, and spent over an hour on forplay. I have finely goten her to orgasm by oral sex, but even as wet as she gets after that it still hurts her she says...

as for the doctor ... read my other post ... i'm not aginst doctors but its hard to find a good one ... we have had such bad experience with doctors... and with no insurance it is costing us a fortune with this trial and error stuff trying to find a good one.

most obgyn's charge ALOT more for a first time visitor and less for return visits ... (i know because i've already invested time calling a bunch of them)

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: Logikos

I dont really care much about the porn, I was only bringing that up to make the point that pornography doesnt show much in the way of how to please a woman, and if that was the only place you were getting your sex education from, it wouldnt have done much good lol.

Im glad to hear that you are taking the time to do some foreplay with her, and that you seem to be a caring person who wants your wife to enjoy herself in the bedroom.

But, I cannot stress enough how important it is that she find and see a regular gynocologist. The fact that you do not know what a papsmear is is NOT a good sign. It is extremely important!!! It is a test for cervical cancer. And ALL women should be getting one at least once per year. And as far as her gettinga yeast infection, again, you havent done your research. Yeast infections can be caused by so many things, not just by having sex. It is bacteria and can be caused by outside environment issues, cotton underwear, not letting your body breathe, or even certain soaps and lotions can cause that.

Im sorry you have had negative experiences with doctors before, but you cannot ignore this problem. Your wife is in PAIN when you have sex. She most likely has a medical condition that can be corrected with the proper care. You are not a doctor and you shouldnt be doing guesswork here.

If anything, she needs to be seen by a doctor at a clinic such as Planned Parenthood etc, which accept whatever money you have or do payment plans and can give her good advice about where to go in the future.

Dont ignore this and hope it will go away.

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:49 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

kelly, thanks for the tips, just one clearification though it may have no revelance? ... she is not having pain when we have sex ... we are not having sex because when we try it hurts

as i understand it it will hurt any girl her first time (which she has not yet had) ... it hurts to the point where she wont let me continue trying

most people recomended lube so we tryed those, but they burn

weather this pain is just like any pain any woman would feel on her first time ... or something more ... i have no clue, i'm a virgin also and unfortuantly i dont know many girls i'd be confortable asking such questions to.

i'm trying to encourage her to talk to our pastors wife, but as i said, she is very shy. ... as for 'Planned Parenthood' .. thats out of the question

however i will continue looking for a good obgyn....

as for what can cause yeast infections .. you mentioned soap ... she washes with soap and water down there every single time she uses the rest room .. which i find odd ... but its a pratice she refuses to give up .. so i've goten her some hypo alergenic soap by dove or something for sensitive skin.... i know this is not good for her but if she refuses to stop because other wise she feels dirty what can i do...

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Thats what I meant, that whenever you attempt to enter her, it hurts her to the point where you have to stop. And NO, that is NOT normal, even for a virgin. Normal is a bit of pain upon original entry, and then it goes away and gets easier each time. She should not be in so much pain that you cannot continue. Something else is wrong here, and she NEEDS medical attention to find out what that something is. And yes, its not good to use soap and water inside your vagina, that could very well be causing problems and itching and infections etc. She needs to be very gentle with that area, and being shy is no reason to avoid doctors. This is serious stuff, and if you let it continue, it could get more serious. YOU are not her doctor, and you should not be dealing with this stuff. This should be between her and her gynocologist. You need to be there for support, but she needs to find a doctor or someone she feels she can trust to go and see about all this. If you dont like gynos and Planned Parenthood is out of the question, then I dont know what else to say to you. I was just offering something like that because clinics and places like that are there for people like you without insurance. Bottom line is, she needs to be diagnosed and looked at by a professional.

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

You asked how a woman who has never been sexually active can have a yeast infection...it is easy. Yeast infections do not necessarily have anything to do with sex. Some women get them from taking certain medications especially antibiotics. One natural cure is eating yogurt, just try it...I know it sounds strange.

as for what can cause yeast infections .. you mentioned soap ... she washes with soap and water down there every single time she uses the rest room .. which i find odd

Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so I'm glad that she believes in being clean, but to wash with soap and water each time she uses the restroom is probably doing more damage than good. Because it sounds to me like she suffers from severe vaginal dryness, and the constant washing is only exaserbating the issue.

She should have been seeing a doctor a while ago, on a regular basis. I understand that medical costs can be extremely high (I went an extremely long time with no insurance), but living a year with a mysterious itch is not ok. Actually, I do not suggest going to Planned Parenthood, because I actually found them to be more expensive than my gynocolgist. She needs to ask around, a referral is the best thing she can get. Ask a woman who has recently had a baby, who her OB-GYN was. But this is something that she needs to take initiative in. It is great that you are concerned and that you came here to try and get help for your wife, but she is an adult and this is her body and she needs to be able to explain to a medical professional EXACTLY what it is that she is feeling. Encourage her to be independent here.

I wish you all the best!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Logikos,

You said she's an Indian women? My suggestion is that you find an Indian female gynocologist. Chances are, your wife will feel the most comfortable with another Indian woman, who can understand her shyness. I understand being shy, and worrying about hygiene, but the cleaning practices your wife uses are dangerous to her health.

This isn't a problem of faith, or of sex -- this is a health problem, and the best way to deal with it is to speak to a health professional. But no matter how much money you spend, you'll get nothing in return if she isn't completely honest with the doctor about everything -- what she's been using, the issues with sex, the kind of lubricants you've been using. . .you need to put it all out there, or else you won't get your money's worth.

Kelley mentioned endometrioses -- it's worth looking it up on webmd.com. Although webmd still is no substitute for an actual MD.

Also, while I understand your objection to Planned Parenthood -- I'm guessing it's a religious objection -- what Planned Parenthood does is provide low cost health care to people who need it. There are hopefully other low cost clinics in your area, and I strongly suggest you look one up. Your local library would be one place to ask, or perhaps your local hospital may know of something nearby.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani


i'm trying to encourage her to talk to our pastors wife, but as i said,
she is very shy. ... as for 'Planned Parenthood' .. thats out of the
question

I am very sorry but I just cannot let this go. Planned Parenthood is put into existence EXACTLY to help women like your wife--but unfortunately a lot of religious doctrines will have you ignorantly misunderstanding their purpose. YOU are not a doctor, nor do I get the impression you have any training in medicine. Your pastors WIFE is not a doctor, from what I'm inferring. Unless YOU or your pastors wife have MEDICAL training, she doesn't need to be taking advice from either of you. Get this woman to a real medical doctor, immediately.

In the meantime, try not passing judgement in backwards ways so much in one thread. It's really disgusting. I watch porn, and I am NOT ashamed, and I don't think I should be.

Maybe it's different for you, but when you insinuate that watching porn is somehow morally wrong, you're implying that the people who do those things are somehow morally inferior to you. Be very careful how you voice your opinions of others' actions.
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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

wow, okay

First - no i'm not a doctor, my pastors wife is not a doctor, nor do we try to be or claim to be nor are we trying to avoid doctors for a religious reason (although i refuse to go to planned parenthood because of how strongly they push abortion)

Second - I WANT her to see a GOOD doctor, and if you read my posts youd have read that i was looking them up and calling them trying to find the best one, a bunch of you are getting worked up and it seems its because you think i'm trying to be a substitue for a doctor, if i thought i knew what the heck i was doing i wouldnt have posted here lol

Third - when talking about porn i was talking about me, not any of you, although it seems your very sensitive and obviously have goten convicted to have responded so agressivaly at a statment that i directed at myself ... perhaps you should find a good bible beleiving church and read the book ... that is not a smart remark back, its sincear advice ... you say your not ashamed but obviously its bothering you else you'd not have replyed like that.

Forth - to those who tryed to help in a loveing way thank you, i do (still) plan to have her see a doctor once i find a good one, however asking questions here and looking things up online will enable me to give her some basic (non professional) information before we go.

Thanks again,

Logikos

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Well if we're going to play the "First, Second, Third" game:

First, I am not about to take advice from someone who cannot spell the word "sincere". Are you an adult? Really? I almost think that your posts are so extreme that I'm tempted to call "troll", and I am surprised no one else has yet voiced this thought too.

Second, no I did not feel "convicted"--just judged and irritated because on a daily freaking basis I deal with judgmental pseudo-christians who feel their mission in life is censor virtually everything there is to censor. If you want to be religious, fine, but stop pawning your faith on me and other people, stop pretending like religious people are somehow morally superior to those that aren't, and stop expecting everyone to drop whatever their own beliefs they have and suddenly agree with yours.

Thirdly, Planned Parenthood wouldn't "push" abortions if enough people would read up and understand the issues BEHIND abortions, and then start voting for candidates who know how to SOLVE said issues, but as it looks to be you're one of the people who are clearly ignorant on the subject, I don't know how I expected anything smarter from you.
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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

I've directed not one insulting word to you, nor preached at you, nor anyone else

yet you continue to be sencitive and insulting.

I came here looking for advice, i was not attacking you, you read a few lines about me talking about my own past, passing no judgment not stated or implyed or otherwise. to a Christian the insite would have ment something in answering my question .. if it ment nothing to you just dismiss it

i'm sure its not healthy to harbor such anger and bitterness like this?

people will talk about the things they please, i'm sure there are many other threads here that contain things that i would consider vaulger ... am i posting on those threads trying to convert or judge? ... no ... if i come accross one i just close it and move on....

grow up a little

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