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Awkward question and weird feeling

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 1:17 PM

He asked me a year ago. We were settling into bed and cuddling up talking about our day and he asked me. I said yes.

He still wants to ask me formally. He considers us engaged. But times are tight and we have to wait to buy a ring. I said I didn't need one, or I would wear a ring made of string or whatever, I just wanted to shout it to the world.

He wants to ask my folks and talk to his mom etc, but I feel weird. To strangers we say we are engaged, aka call each other our fiance(e), but not to family.

I know he wants to surprise me and them with a proposal, but I think in some way he's ashamed that he can't buy me the ring he wants to get me. Also I don't know what to say when the enevitable question is asked, 'so how did he propose?', it makes me feel awkward. especially since I don't have a ring to show. I feel ppl won't believe me.

I'm not sure my point in this but I had to tell someone and ask for advice / encouragement. I can't talk to friends and family but hopefully I have you guys.

  

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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Tofu Posts : 66 Registered: 4/2/09
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I can relate to the whole saying "fiancé" to strangers thing. I still use the term "boyfriend" because we are not yet engaged and also, as you said, people look for that tangible sign of engagement on women. Although when I say ``boyfriend`` I sometimes expand (and am tempted to say almost-fiancé``), because that term doesn't really seem to capture our relationship anymore now that it is in a quasi-engagement state. There needs to be a new word for boyfriends who are so much more than that, but also not yet fiancés. Let's make one up and submit it to the dictionary!

My boyfriend, however, uses the word "fiancé" when talking about me to strangers and new colleagues. We are committed to marrying one another, and have a tentative month and year in mind, so in that sense he feels it is enough to say "fiancé." I also think men can say it and move on, whereas women are asked about the ring and proposal (especially by other women). Like you, we have not shared the news with family. We are also waiting for the formal proposal with the ring, which is also affected by $$, delaying the proposal by a few months... so the word fiancé is only used with strangers. I don't view it as awkward, but I do find that I am biting my tongue around family and friends, trying not to say anything about looking for rings and all that. At least this forum is an outlet for sharing the news when you aren't sharing with anyone close to you!


If people ask about the ring and you feel a little awkward not having one, you could say he proposed without one so that you could choose it yourself. That's a fairly common arrangement, and so I don't think you will have any problems with that kind of response. Then you launch into a discussion about your dream ring, the economy, yada yada yada...


Speaking of the economy, I kept typing FINANCE instead of FIANCE...

Cool

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 2:29 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I have a friend who is getting married next month, she does not have an engagement ring. When she told us she was getting married it was at our monthly lunch so there were several of us there. We all offered our congratulations and best wishes and not a one asked to see a ring. No one made a big deal out of it. Several months later we were at lunch and she should us the wedding band she bought for her FH and guess what no one commented on her lack of a rock on her finger. For us the fact that her guy asked her and she accepted and set the date and put the plans into motion was the important thing that is what said she is getting married not a ring.

I have known several women who have gotten rings and never gotten married. For me it is way more important for him to say I do than a piece of jewelry.

BTW the only ring I got from my husband was a gold band on our wedding day. That is the only ring I needed and when we got married the job I had wouldn't allow us to wear any jewelry to work so no one would have see any ring any way.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I think society makes too big of a deal to wear a ring. If it wasn't for the fact that I got a ring then I would have been engaged for about 3 years! We always talked about marriage but yet we didn't tell anyone until we got the ring. It just felt better that way because then I would have felt that people wouldn't believe me.
                              

 

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 11:21 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

If he asked and you said yes, you're engaged. I've said here before that I really don't "get" the whole, "He asked me but he didn't propose" idea. A ring does not make you engaged--a proposal does. and a proposal happens when the two of you come to an agreement that you will get married. It does not take champagne, roses, a fancy dinner, and a photographer to make it official. I also don't get "asking" your parents. I can get announcing to them or even asking for their blessing. But, in this day and age, I always wonder, so what if he asks and they say no. Does that mean he just goes away and you never see each other again? Do you and he need their "permission" to get married?

By the way, OP, I'm really not talking about just you--I'm using "you" as people in general.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 10, 2009 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I totaly agree with Myra. My whole proposal was us sitting on our couch on a snowy day and kind of day dreaming about what we wanted for a wedding, we both realized what we were doing, asked eachother if we were sure we wanted to marry eachother, and set a date from there. I had a site, caterer, dress, and a few small details taken care of long before I ever had a ring on my finger. I felt weird about it at first, trying on dresses, and talking to sites, but I realized no one was looking at my finger, and no one said a thing about one not being there. Also like you said times are tough, everyone knows times are tough. If someone asks about the ring, tell them we decided to wait until we have the money to get a ring we both agree on. Also, I want to be an advocte that a wedding can be planned for cheap, I beilive in total mine will be under $10,000. My FH and I are paying about $2,000 to $2,500 and my parents are paying maybe $7,000.

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 11, 2009 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: myra

Thank you all for the support. Its nice to have.

As for the asking permission, I meant it as asking for my Dad's blessing. I think its sweet.

I know I don't need a ring, its the not telling friends and family that gets to me every once in a while.
That and strangers asking when the date is, obviously we don't have one. Its weird some ppl get really put out if you say that. I went scouting for a freind who is getting married, she wanted me to go to a few shopps to look for b-maids dresses, so i browsed for my own ideas as well. Those consultants get pissy if you date is farther than 12mos away. I didn't need their assistance I just had a few questions on the weight and desgni of a few dresses they had. They were dead busy, atnoon on a wednesday. I figured no harm. Sheesh not so much apparently.


I dunno somedays

 

 - With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: Awkward question and weird feeling
Posted: Apr 11, 2009 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I think if you are uncomfortable with not telling friends and family, it might be worth talking that out with your fiance. If you guys need a ring to feel comfortable with that, maybe get an inexpensive one as a placeholder of sorts? I don't know. I do know I'd feel really weird if I couldn't talk to my family about it. I did feel more engaged once I got the ring, but I told people pretty much as soon as we were engaged. The ring is a symbol. Engagement is about the decision to get married and spend your lives together. I really wish people wouldn't give women such a hard time about the ring. It's like they confuse the symbol for the thing it's symbolizing.

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