Update! Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: carebearny1999

Cici if I was your mom I would tell you to come straight home. I don't think your mom realizes how dangerous the situation that you are in really is. I think you should either go to your parent's home (they want nothing but the best for you so I am sure they will be happy to have you), or you can go live with your friends. You said that your friends still live at home with their parents and that is ok. I am sure if you explain to their parents what is going on then they will let you stay with them. Better yet you can call the hotline that some ladies posted. There may be other options that you are not aware of that you may find out by calling. Keep us updated and I'll be praying for you.
                              

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Cheetah - she said her Mom's in an abusive relationship with her own husband. She's probably not going to be much help given she's still in that situation.

 

 

 

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JennHatesWaiting Posts : 74 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 5:01 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

CiCi-

I've read what everyone else had to say, and I agree 110%. Theres just a few things I want to point out specifically and have you really think about. One, you are only 19 sweetie. I know right now you feel like you know so much about life and the world and you may even think that the life you are in right now is the life you will continue to have, Its NOT. I got married at 19 and man, I thought I knew it all. You have so much more to experience. Your life is just begining, do not forget that. It may seem like the world is crashing down around you, but you haven't even experienced true life. Secondly, you mentioned there were no shelters, and a poster mentioned they are not normally listed. I want you you to realize why. They ARE out there, the reason they are NOT listed is because they are PROTECTING the women! If they were listed publically many crazy men would come searching for their wives to hurt them further. There is a whole network out there to protect women. Sadly its very common for women to be abused.

One last thing, I know you said all your friends live with their parents. Do you think you could go to one of their parents and tell them what is going on? Maybe they will let you crash there for a little bit? Just remember, where ever you do, do NOT call him. Do NOT let him know where you are. He could hurt you worse, and hurt who are with for interfering.

BTW, No you are NOT a bad person for seeking the support of your ex. He was someone whom you trusted enough to be with in your life. In fact, I think its a good idea. I wish to God there was something more I could do. If I weren't living paycheck to paycheck at the moment I'd even try to send you some cash. Consider opening another banking account and slowly put money in it. Good luck and PLEASE keep us updated. You may not be active in the church right now, but you could go to the church you grew up in and reach out.

Everything WILL be okay. You just have to make some tough decisions and stick with them.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 7:33 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

But since her mom is an abusive relationship I would think her mom would relate and know exactly how her daugther feels so therefore she would want to help her daughter even more.
                              

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 8:11 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Yes and no, Cheetah. Her mom has stayed in an abusive relationship, which sends out the message that "it is okay". If her mother believes that it is okay for her father to abuse her, then why would she not think it is okay for her daughter to be abused by her husband. Keep in mind, they've been married for probably 20 years. And mom is probably staying because of her religion (she forced her daughter to get married because of her religion). Her religion is more important than her safety or her daughter's happiness. Had mom gotten out....then mom would be reliable. But since she's stayed, that implies expectation of that treatment in a marriage. She told her mom and her mom advocated counselling. Her mom did not advocate "Run". So mom is not someplace to turn to in this case.

Many of you wonder why I'm pretty down on the Catholic church. My reason has nothing to do with the child abuse scandal. I've been annoyed with them since I was 10 and met someone who had been excommunicated. Why was this woman excommunicated from the Catholic Church? She left her husband who was beating her. But she didn't leave him for beating her. Though she should have. She put up with it because her priest told her it was her duty as a wife to stand by him, that God did not sanction divorce under any circumstance. But when he raped their 13 year old daughter, she left her husband. And the Catholic priest excommunicated her for that. She decided that any church who placed the "sanctity of marriage" (and that was not a sanctified marriage by any stretch) over the needs of her daughter and allowed the father to behave like that was not a church worth being in. Oh.... and the priest did NOT excommunicate the father who raped his daughter..... his wife left him. He didn't leave his wife.

Misty

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 9:01 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

True Cat...I guess I didn't think of that. It just makes me mad that some women get abused and feel like they have no where to go. If that were me I would have been long gone. That story you told us about the Catholic is just awful! Those abusive men should be tied up and shot. Sorry, I just can't stand abuse.
                              

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 7:10 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

My FH thinks that just as there is a sex offenders registry, there should also be a child abusers' registry and a spouse abusers' registry (I think that's not a bad idea). When you go get your marriage license, both people would have to be checked against that registry.

I'm sure there are places those who are in abusive situations can go--the problem is getting them to know where. Our church is advocating putting the contact information in the bathroom stalls in the women's AND men's bathrooms of the church and other places. Why? Because a lot of victims of domestic violence DO have access to public restrooms -- and sometimes, that is the only time they are not shadowed. It lets them know there are resources available. (Some places already do this -- I am certain I've seen it before.)

Add to that: A lot of women in these situations are faithful to a religion that looks down on divorce and preaches that wives should submit to their husbands. This is harmful language. Many religious leaders enable domestic violence by their silence -- or by supporting abusers (not the abuse specifically, but by upholding these people as leaders in the faith community). It's not comfortable for them to confront them, because some of them sit on the boards or are big money contributors to the church itself. So they do not speak out against it. They do not use their pulpit to denounce acts of violence, to show women in that situation that it is NOT God's will, that they do not have to put up with it. Are they ultimately responsible? No, but they do not give support to victims where their voice would be a strong advocate. They maintain silence. And by that silence, they support it.


OP, please get out (and if you can get your mom to go with you to the shelter, that would be good too!)


Misty

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:19 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Hi Cici,

How's life been lately?

-Rose

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:23 AM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Rose, I've been wondering the same thing. I'm worried for her, but at the same time I'm hoping that the reason she hasn't been back on is because she sought shelter, found some help.

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Apr 2, 2009 9:23 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

I hope you're ok Cici!!

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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TK2009 Posts : 11 Registered: 8/11/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 9:08 PM Go to message in response to: carebearny1999

Hi Cici,
Everyone here has already said what i want to say to you.
I was you 6 years ago. i'm 34 now and finally met the right guy.

( I thought that too with my XH until the drinking and abuse started. i got out after a long 1 year and 2 months.)

If you have not gotten out already (i'm hoping your silence has you seeking a way out) you can go to your local police dept and they will give you information for shelters for battered women. Also, get a no contact and restraining order (not that they are all that helpful, but they do allow the cops to grab him quickly if he comes near you or tries to). I'm getting married to a cop so i hear the stories of women that are in your situation. They never turn out pretty.

Secondly, Yes, your mom has been in your situation for a very long time.. and i know you don't want to break her heart, but she will know when she talks to you. She's your Mother, she's an abusee, she needs to know. She most likely can help you. If not, you have our support and your friend's support. She won't hate you, if anything (like my grandmother) she'll quietly praise your courage for getting out, something she was obviously too weak herself to do.. don't continue this pattern. break the cycle. I, like you, was afraid to tell my parents what was going on. I told my mom first, because i didn't want to upset Dad. I was allowed to move back with Mom to escape him. My Dad only found out the truth when i was in heavy therapy 2 years after i left. That's how psychologically f'd up he made me with his abuse.

Lastly, Seek counseling. a good place to start (and it's free) is Alanon. The support you will get there is better than anything else non related to you. Everyone there knows what you are going through. When i was going through my hell, i was scared, tired, broken, and on the verge of a breakdown. after 15 minutes i cried like a baby (release) and every man woman and child in that room told me the SAME STORY i was telling. From the spaghetti on the ceiling to the never ending tirade in the middle of the night while you are trying to sleep. From accusing me of cheating ALL THE TIME to him cheating ALL THE TIME. It's not you. it's them. you are beautiful, you are loved, you are young, you are smart. GET OUT. It's the best thing that you can do for yourself.

If you ever need to talk, i'm here. i know what you are going through. don't be scared, please. because the grass truly is greener on this side of the tattered white picket fence.

Love,
Tara

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: May 19, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: TK2009

Any news on CiCi? I hope she's ok and has gotten help.....
                              

 

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Sign my guestbook!!! :)



 


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CiCi2221 Posts : 3 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: May 20, 2009 3:49 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221




Hi everyone! Gosh I know it’s been so long since I got on
but I’ve been in my own little world for the past month and a half.

First off thanks to EVERYONE who posted on here. You were all my angels in
disguise! Every post really gave me strength!! A little update: a few days
after my last post ....it happened AGAIN! And this time instead of sadness I felt
anger!!! And made up my mind that for sure that it was the LAST time I would be
his victim. The moment it happened I RAN AND
RAN FAR! I ended up at my moms and called his mom and told her what was
happening and that I wanted him out of the house (we rent 1 of my parent’s
house). That he was no longer welcome and that I would be at my moms and take
steps from there. I lived at my moms for about 2 weeks and she was totally
supportive!! She made sure that I was never home alone and that I was I always
keeping my mind busy. I started getting involved with church activities and that’s
given me lots of strength. I’ve also been attending counseling every week and
so far it’s helped a lot.

As for him he's been with his parents and has also been receiving counseling
and has stopped drinking completely. We've had very little contact because i'm
still not positive i have the strength to go through with a divorce just yet. I
don’t want to be overwhelmed so i’m just taking baby steps. I’ve heard from his
family that he is doing well and has changed but im not ready to may contact
with him yet or to come to a decision about what’s going to happen right now im
just trying to focus ON ME! And what I want in my life. School has been my
priority and its definitely paying off! I just got my Spring semester grades
and my GPA is at a 3.6! Im very happy with the way life is going right now I
finally feel like I took a stand for myself and i feel its been worth it. I got
more support then ive ever imagined! I’ve made so much progress and im at peace
with myself. I finally feel vibrant and full of life!! I still have lots of
steps to take before I full recover from my past but I know im going in the right
path and it feels great!!

Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers! I believe that if I had never
came on this board I would still be in the same atmosphere and would have been
digging myself into a deeper whole.

Thanks to everyone! I truly can’t say thank you enough!!! God Bless you all!


Edited by: CiCi2221 on May 20, 2009 4:13 PM

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: May 20, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Oh Cici that is wonderful! my eyes are welling with tears afer reading about your courage. I am glad you are getting the support you need and focusing on yourself. Keep believing in yourself. You have made the hardest step and from here it is only going to getter better!! Thank you for posting and letting us all know the great news.

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: May 20, 2009 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

That is so wondeful!!! I just read through this whole post, and I couldn't be anymore happy and excited to hear that you have gotten out of that situation and are doing so much better! I hope things continue on the road of happiness for you, you deserve it!!!

___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

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