Hey, CiCi, are you still there?

What do you think of everything you've heard from the women on here? What are you feeling right now? Are you scared, feeling braver, or think we don't understand your situation? How is the relationship with your husband today? Do you think you might be able to leave him, or at least seek counseling? Have you sought out any of your friends for help yet, or looked up a women's crisis center in your area? If not, are you at least thinking about it?

I realize it hasn't even been a day since your original post (and I hope I'm not overwhelming you with all the questions!), but I'm worried about you and was wondering how you're doing....

Hi ladies, wow I cant believe how much you ladies have compassion for a complete stranger! This means alot! I feel like there is still hope for me. For the first time in a long time I really felt cared for. And Im very grateful that I came on. However still feel very lost. I think I've realized what my problem is.........I've been brought up my whole life to put others first and to never hurt anyone else and not be selfish. I guess i feel in a way if I leave him, im going to feel like thats a selfish act for me to abandon my marriage. But thats not the only thing that is making it hard on me its just not that easy to get up and leave....I live in a very SMALL town and due to the economy all the shelters have closed and I just checked my account and im broke! Due to the fact that the majority of money has been going on alcohol. So going to a hotel or trying to find another place is not an option. I did try calling my college to see about getting a dorm room there but there's a 1 year waiting list. So as much I appreciate those suggestions, I don't have those resources here. I do have friends but there all the same age as me......and none are are married and they still live at home with their parents so there isnt much they can help me with even if they tried And I don't have any family where I live except for my parents. So there's no one to turn to.However, I did try and speak to my mom about it and she told me to try counseling but I dont know if that's going to work. I haven't talked to him at all today, but I know that he stalks me on a daily basis to make sure I am where I say im going.

Alot of you have stated to go to the police but I've heard that alot of the time they get released the following day.......and what if he comes back and trys to harm because of that? Or even worse.....what if I go to the police and since I have no proof.....they won't believe me. So how do I go about that?

I do want to mention one other thing.....im very surprised that NO ONE had anything negative to say about me seeking comfort in the other man. I mean we havent done anything else but talk on the phone But isn't this still considered cheating?.....

Well thanks again ladies, it really means so much. You've all brought warmth to my fragile heart. But its just hard to stand up for myself when I have no one to hold my hand through this but I think that with the support you ladies have given me I feel that I at least have some hope.



(Sorry it took so long to reply.....I just hadn't gottena chance to get on until now)

CiCi. You have to leave. If you have shared your feelings with this other man, cant he help get you out? Dont feel ashamed for seeking comfort in someone, even if it is another man. Just dont do anything physical until you are COMPLETELY done with your husband. It is NOT at all your fault. It is his fault. If your parents cant see that, than shame on them. But if you share this with your mom, she has put up with the abuse probably because of her children, Im sure she would help you. You are her child and moms protect them.

Get out of this. The sooner the better. It sounds like you are the bread winner and can afford to leave.

Married Since December 27, 2008!

CiCi - Call the number TanisJ gave you - there may be resources you are unaware of.

Otherwise, I'm with Nala. I would go to your school and talk to a counselor. They may be able to expedite your application for a dorm room given the circumstances.

You have to get OUT of this situation. Whatever it takes for you to get out of this situation is what you HAVE to do.

PLEASE CALL THE HOTLINE!!!!!!!
I agree with the PP call churches, they dont have to be Catholic any Pastor will be able to help you. This is not a healthy situation. You CANNOT live your life for someone else or because your parents might get angry if you leave a harmful situation. You have the strength to come here and get advice, at least that is a step in the right direction.
Just talk to someone. Even if you have to live with a friends parents at least you will have a safe place to stay until you can get on your feet.

Married Since December 27, 2008!

Hi CiCi:

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you have taken an important first step -- you reached out. Yes, to an annonymous board, but I suspect that for you that took a great deal of courage. But it is only the first step. You've got to leave your husband to protect yourself. And it's scary. But isn't it also scary to live with a man who treats you the way he does? You mentioned he is shadowing you to make sure you are going where you're supposed to. That is a very scary sign -- because he's stepping up his abuse, not stepping it back. He's getting worse. Next will be forbidding you to enroll in classes, and if you do, preventing you from attending -- and affecting your grades and coursework (which is a problem for later places). He might not be there yet, but he's getting close. You're in a bad place, and around the bend is a worse one coming. He's getting close to isolating you.

What the others have said is all important. Seek out Churches (I'd avoid the Catholic one....not to diss Catholic churches, but from what I've read on these boards, you have to go through Pre-Cana or something and then the priest has to certify that you're up for the marriage and that you're entering it willingly etc. And from the sound of it, you pretty much had a shot gun wedding because your parents and his parents co-erced this union. And that priest signed off on it. Steer clear of him.) Protestant, Jewish, Unitarian. Whatever one you find, go there. (I'll put in a bid for the Unitarian, personally...but that's because it is my faith.)

We actually had a Domestic Violence Vigil several months ago. My minister and SEVERAL other ministers from different denominations around the city came together to speak out against Domestic Violence AND TO EMPHASIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR RELIGIOUS LEADERS TO DENOUNCE IT. Too often, RELIGION and FAITH are the reasons women stay in these relationships, and faith leaders encourage them to go to counselling and to pray. But they do not encourage the woman to get out.

The thing that was repeatedly stated by these religious leaders was that marriage is a covenant. And when domestic violence is introduced into the relationship, the covenant is broken. You both vowed to love and honor one another. How is his behaviour HONORING you.

You're not being selfish. HE IS. You're not leaving the marriage. HE ALREADY DID. God does not want us living with this type of abuse....and if God does, then God is not worthy of our worship and praise. That's not a sacriligious statement. It's a statement of truth. Any deity who designs that women should be beaten is not worthy of being worshipped. I do not believe that it is God's design for us to live that way.

The Baptists love to use the passage which tells women that they should submit to their husbands. But the other part of the passage is: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church. Does Christ beat the Church? Does Christ call it names and belittle it and make it feel worthless? NO.

Your husband has broken his covenant with God and with you. You have every right to leave.

So go to your school or go to the police or go to a church. (And please do keep coming here. You've got a bunch of annonymous women rooting for you, and we do want to help. Even if all we can do is listen to you vent. But you've got to take the next step and the next step.)

The road ahead is not easy. It might mean cutting YOUR family off. Your dad does this to your mom. I wonder how brave she might be when she sees her daughter say "No. You will not do this to me." Maybe she'll find the strength to put value on herself too, seeing your example.

Please Cici. Get out. I know you've read stories of women whose husbands have killed them, beaten them to death. Please do not become a statistic. You're 19. You have a long life ahead of you, and you can do it.

Misty

CiCi--my sister was in a position very similar to yours. She DID cheat on her husband, numerous times with the same man. When they went for counseling and divorce she was told they could NOT hold it against her as she was driven to it. Her husband was (and is 'cause unfortunately she took him back--that's a whole 'nother story!) physically, emotionally, financially, and sexually abusing her. (yes ladies, refusing to ever sleep with her unless she obeyed his every command is considered a form of sexual abuse!) He also drinks heavily. (Makes me SO thankful my hubby won't touch alcohol!) There are places to help, even in a small town. You may have to go to a larger nearby city for a shelter. but PLEASE do it!! My sister's dirtbag CHOKED her in front of their 2 young kids!!! I forced her to leave that night with only a basket of clothes for the kids and a change of clothes for her. We spent the night, terrified he'd find us, in a seedy nasty hotel in our small town. He called my cell phone 118 times looking for her, each message he left getting nastier and nastier. Armed with that, and the ER visit paperwork (I made her go, she couldn't turn her head without crying) we headed to the courthouse the next morning for a restraining order. We were able to keep him away for 3 months until she allowed him back on the property making the restraining order null and void. Usually the restraining order says he may not come within 100 yards of you--if he does try to--call the police! And by all means--PRESS CHARGES!!!! (sis dropped them--I could've choked her myself after all that!!) If he's hit you once, he WILL hit you again. I know from statistics and from seeing it with my sister. (although I DARE him to do it in front of me!!!!) He needs help and you are under no obligation to make sure he gets it. For your own good, get out!! I can't believe his mom would say not to tell yours but PLEASE tell your mom!! (Show her the post here if you can't bring yourself to tell her face to face!!!) NOBODY "deserves" this and you are plenty young enough to find yourself a REAL man, which is one who cherishes his wife. (BTW--I'm sure my friends could come up with bible verses that support the fact that you are to be treated lovingly!!) Please keep us updated and PM me if you need to.