Update! Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife

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CiCi2221 Posts : 3 Registered: 3/23/09
Update! Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 11:20 PM

Hi everyone, a dear friend reccomended this site to me because im in deseperate need of advice.

I'm only 19 and have been married for a little over a year. I know everyone is wondering "why the hell is she 19 and married", right? Well the thing is I come from a strict catholic latin family and when I was 16 I was naive and thought I found a great guy. After a year of dating I thougt it was ok to start having relations. My parents and his parents found out so they pretty much made me decide to pick marriage or be a disgrace to the family. So to try to make things right I decided to get married. I was 18 when I got married. I have a really great job, I currently work with the government and i'm going to college. So far things have been going good. But my marriage is breaking me.


Exactly ONE week after i got married, i found out that the whole time we had been dating and engaged he had cheated on me with at LEAST 3 other women. This really broke me but I was embarrassed to tell any one. Somewho I felt at fault and that i deserved it for having relations before marriage. He had never been a drinker! Never when we ere dating did I see him drink Well after that he started drinking. He got laid off of work so I was the one taking care of us. He started drinking very heavily. At first I didnt say anything but then after 4 months off marriage. One night of drinking to much he hurt me physically. Once again I was soooo ashamed that I didnt tell anyone but his mom. His mom told me not to tell my parents and that we could work this out. I told him I would stay as long as he never drink again. We were fine for about 3 months......and then the drinking started again. It wasnt that bad so I hoped for the best.


But for the last 3 months all he does is drink. I have only ONE good friend and he treats her like crap! He disrespects both of us. He's gotten to the point where he is a bitter drunk. About a month ago we had a couple of friends over and he got realy drunk.....and once again hit me. Luckily one of our mutual guy friends were there and defended me. They ended uo getting into a fight and the cops were called. I didnt want to tell the cops the truth because i feared that they would arrest our friend. So we made up a lie. For the past month it doesnt even feel like im married. I just feel so down and depressed all the time. Im soyoung and feel out of place. I dont want to tell my mom because she suffered 20 years of abuse with my dad. She never hasleft. She is still with him inspite of everything, and I wouldnt want tohurt her, knowing that the cycle is repeating with her daughter. Im so confused and dont have any support.

Im so depressed all the time. This past month ive lost almos 15 pounds. I cant sleep I cant eat. Its breaking me so bad. All I do is cry and have no strength. I sont know where to turn. I'm so torn on what to do with out suport.

Ive only had 1 previuos relationship before the 1 withmy husband. And i feel really guilty but Ive been talking to him for the past couple of days for comfort. I feel really bad but its been the only comfort i can find with any one.

Ladies, please dont judge me. Ive just been brought up very close minded and dont know where to turn for help. And im to embarrased to bring this up to any one face to face.

What do i do now?

Any response will be greatly appreciated.
Edited by: CiCi2221 on Mar 23, 2009 11:34 PM

Edited by: CiCi2221 on May 20, 2009 3:51 PM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 11:54 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

CiCi - You are being abused. This is an abusive relationship and if you grew up in a household with this happening - you are more likely to become entrapped in the same relationship.

Get out. I'm sure that in the location you are living there are organizations who will help you leave your husband. This is NOT OK. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of - unless you stay in this relationship.

Please get out before it gets worse - and it will. Please get out before you have kids -

Please PM me if you need more info.

 

 

 

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 12:42 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Nobody will judge you or ridicule you for being a victim.

Just as Pharmtox made clear, inaction is not an option in this circumstance.
Do not feel guilty for leaving, do not feel guilty about potentially bringing any shame, do not feel guilty for seeking comfort in somebody else.

You are not to blame here. He is.

Your last concern right now should be embarassment. Your main concern should be your safety and that is in jeopardy right now.

As Pharmtox said, you have to get out of the house and away from him. Talk to any local support you can find. Try to find a safe place to stay. If you can't afford a new place or a hotel for the time being and do not have a person that you can stay with, there is most likely a local organization that helps abused women in relationships and marraiges. Almost all cities have one that will provide shelter for woman who are escaping from abuse.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Unfortunately, time is of the essence and you should leave as soon as possible.
You are still so young, don't get trapped in an abusive relationship when you have so much potential to be in a supportive one.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 12:58 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Brighter - You were more eloquent then I, I know I can be blunt, but we are SO on the same page.

OP - You have to go. Get out.


 

 

 

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 1:11 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Truly.

It's going to be hard, and scary, but I agree with Pharm and Brighter that the best thing you can do for YOURSELF is get out of the situation, and possibly work on improving the relationship. You and your husband would benefit from counseling, and if he won't go with you then you still need to go by yourself. Lean on your best friend and your mom, they should support you because they love you (and if you mom doesn't realize that your safety and well-being are at serious risk or refuses to admit this is abuse because she's blinded by her religion, then you cannot rely on her. Consider that even more motivation to get out of your own abusive relationship).

I was raised Catholic too, so I understand the expectations strict Catholics adhere to and have an idea where your family's views are coming from. But now you have to decide for yourself what you believe in--it might still be the Catholic church, but it could be another Christian religion, an Eastern philosophy, or a combination of anything. My point is, it's a huge world out there with opinions that run the entire 360 degrees on any issue and you're old enough now to choose your own morals and beliefs. It sounds like your family pressured you into marrying this man before you were really ready based on their strict Catholic beliefs, and look at how it's affected you.

It's time to start finding yourself and continue growing up. Good luck and huge hugs!!!

P.S. Other forum members will be giving you advice, and this is a wise, caring, diverse group of women from all walks of life. Please listen to whatever they have to say, especially since this is your only reach at help so far......

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:56 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Cici - I am crying for you right now. If I was there, I would take you by the hand and help you pack a bag (or not!) and we would just leave. It sounds like you have friends who know what you're going through, so call them. If they don't help, call your mom, and if she won't help, go to a shelter. ANYthing. You just have to go. Please, you can't stay here because it's obvious he's crushed your spirit.

You are not in a marriage. I believe to the deepest parts of myself that God does not hold you to vows when your partner is beating you.

After you've left and you've reported him to the police, you should seek an annullment. If you found out a week afterward that he'd been unfaithful, and now he's hitting you, I bet you could get it done.

Please please get out of that house. Call the police and tell them what he's done to you. Tell your parents and don't be ashamed, because by leaving you are proving YOU are a stronger person than he is! You're still so young and you have time for counselling and for the rest of your life. You don't have to live like this.

 

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10/26/08 

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 9:13 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Cici, you absolutely need to get out!!!! A man who would hit his wife isn't a husband. He is an abuser and does not respect or love you. There are organizatios out there that can help you. Start by going to the police and getting a restraining order against him. Don't talk to his Mom about it. Obviously she is going to be biased towards her son. If your mother won't help you, find someone who will. You are so young and have such potential. Don't let him steal any more of your life than he already has!!!!!!!!!!

 

Proud member and S.C.A.T. of POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 9:54 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

And im to embarrased to bring this up to any one face to face.

Let's start here.

Cici, you need to talk to someone face to face. You need help. There's no shame in reaching out and saying "I need help." We all do at some point. So you married too young and got involved in a crappy relationship. . .the good news is that you're young. You get to make bad decisions. The bad thing is sticking to them when you know it's not good for you.

Anyone who tells you that you owe it to this man to stay his wife is a liar. He has not showed you that he cares about your needs or what you want. He is abusing you. You owe him nothing -- do not let anyone else tell you different.

There is so much else to say about this. . .and, like Nala, if I were with you right now, we'd go to your home, pack your bags and get you out of there. But right now, all I can think of is that you have to tell someone. There are others around you face to face who can help you since neither Nala, nor I can. So tell someone -- the first person I'd suggest is someone in your school, I'm thinking a counselor. Tell her you need help.


Good luck -- there is a better life waiting for you; you just have to take the first steps.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 10:24 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Cici if I could I would come and get you right now. This is not your fault and you have the right to leave. You need to leave. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. Yes that is scary, and its meant to be to get you started. You need a plan. If you don't feel you have friends or family to help there are resources out there. I volunteered at a safe house for a number of years and I can tell you the people who work there will give you a solid safe plan to get out. They can help you financially, legally and emotionally. Please, please contact the people below!

Here is the site for the national Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.ndvh.org

If you need to exit quickly you can hit escape.

Phone 1 - 800 - 799 - 7233
They are open 365 days a year and 24 hours a day.

You are not alone. Millions of women world wide are in the same situations. The many who find the courage say that the first step is the hardest. It will only get easier. Our thoughts are with you.

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 10:28 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

No on here should judge you and I don't believe any of us would.


You need to get away from him. I understand that it may seem so hard to do and in a lot of ways it is. But you need to get away from him. Yes you were young when you got married but that is no reason for you to have to live with abuse for the rest of your life. You don't deserve to be abused no matter what you think you did.


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MrsSy Posts : 504 Registered: 7/6/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 10:34 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

CiCi,
I'm so sorry your going thru this situation. I'm catholic and hispanic and I know how your family think. You shuldn't be embarrased to ask for help and leave him. My sister got pregnan when she was 18 and elope with my nephew's father. After my nephew was born, he started to hit her, almost every week. He hit her so bad that almost kill her a couple of times. My mom and I were suppiscious and worried that something was going with her. She finally told me what was going on and asked me to take her to the police station and called my dad. He got charged for domestic violation and tentative murder. It was very hard for her to talk and leave him, but it was the best decision she took. She finished college and now she's an electrical engineering. Got married to a very nice guy that love and respect her and my nephew.
I'm pretty sure your Mom will support you. You have to leave him, You have to tell your parents. You have to report him and get an anulment. He had been cheating on you, that's a reasont for anulment. Best Wishes.

Can't wait to be Mrs. Snyder

 




 

 

Proud Member of the P.O.O.P.

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

You need to get out! And file for divorce or anullment. If he gets threatening on you, file a restraining order too.

Go stay with your friend or family. Do not tell him where you're going. I dont think the OP is going to get much support from her mom as her mom is in the same relationship herself. If you can afford it, move out and get your own apartment. If it's that bad, maybe you can transfer to a different office within your job.

My parents were in an abusive relationship and my dad cheated on her A LOT! Luckly, my mom got out. It was a big struggle for us but I admire her for what she did.

I never told this to anyone...my DH and I had gotten into a fight early on in our relationship and it was the first time I had seen him so upset...I dont even remember what the fight was about...I sitting on the floor crying and he approached me...I was so scared becasue I thought he was going to hit me like my dad did with my mom. DH was shocked and he came and sat down with me and said he was a man and was raised to not lay a hand on a woman. He never has.

This guy clearly has no respect for you. You need to get out while you can and live your life.

Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Please do not bring children into this!!!!

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LisaSummerBride2B Posts : 126 Registered: 8/10/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 11:49 AM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

My heart is breaking for you. Like ALL of the other ladies said.. GET OUT!! Run! You can't live a life like this, you're young and have your whole life in front of you. You can't let him get in the way like that.
Since it sounds like your parents won't be much support, go to a friends house, go to a shelter. It's OKAY to ask for help. EVERYONE has done it once in their life. It might be shameful to ask for help especially it sounds like you're a strong lady but it's okay. No one here, or at the shelter is going to judge you if you seek help. They're going to help you in anyway they can.
Good luck and you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you get out of this terrible situation!

 -Lisa-
Deployment survivor!

wedding websites


 

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: LisaSummerBride2B

I agree with what everyone else here said...RUN and get the heck out of there as soon as possible! It's easier said than done but you have to try otherwise you will be miserable or worse...end up dead because of the jerk! Talk to a friend, sister, cousin, aunt, or your own mother for help. Tell them what is going on and I am sure they will have you live with them. You don't deserve to live the way you do. He doesn't love you if he hits you, trust me! RUN and GET HELP! Be brave and I know you will look back at it years ago and be glad that you didn't stay in the abusive relationship. I wish you the best hun.
                              

 

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