Ex-BF has died

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 12:54 AM


Wow, I just found out the boyfriend I had before I started dating my husband has died. Just out of curiosity I put his name in Google and out came his obituary! He passed away 3 years ago.

I haven't laid eyes on this guy in over 30 years, but he was my first boyfriend in college and I did care for him back then.

He was 56. That may seem old to you ladies, but since I'm now 54, I think 56 is WAY TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

I'm having some trouble processing this. Am I supposed to grieve? How?

(I told my husband immediately, of course.)


CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:53 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

If you don't feel sad, then you don't need to grieve. It is understandable to feel shocked. People I went to highschool with are off fighting in the war and people FH went to highschool with die going too fast on country back roads. Its a scary reality smack when someone you know, that is close to your age, dies. Its kind of like a, "that could've been me" thing. I don't think you need to grieve if you don't feel the need to.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

You know, I think it's hard to say how you're "supposed" to grieve. I don't think there's a right way to do it.

I occasionally look for my ex -- the first guy I started dating in college. I do this becaue I do have fond memories of him. Although we ended it badly (he cheated), we were only 19 and I sometimes wonder how he's doing. He was a guy with lots of problems, including depression (difficult family life growing up, yada yada yada) and I sometimes wonder if he overcame his issues. I can't find him -- he's not on facebook, and googling doesn't work, and I sometimes assume the worst, given his history of problems.

Anyways, you're right. 56 is too young to die. If you're thinking about him a bit, feeling a little nostalgic, one thing you can do is write a nice letter to someone in his family, someone he left behind. Give them a fond memory you have, mention some nice qualities, and leave it at that. You can mail it, or not.

That's just an idea. Like I said, there's no real way you're "supposed" to grieve.


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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 11:29 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Oh, wow - I'd have trouble processing that, too!

It's hard to say whether you 'should' grieve or not. You haven't seen him in years, but on the other hand, you've probably thought of him fondly and hoped he was doing well, so it's quite a surprise to find out that he died so young. How do you feel: sad or shocked?

If you knew his family and have the slightest clue as to how to get in touch with them, it might make you feel better to offer them sympathies. Even though it's three years after the fact, I'm sure any survivors (did he have children?) would appreciate kind words about him.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB, I totally agree that 54 is way to young to pass away.

I can't tell you if you should greive or not, since we all go through that process differently. Personally, I would have to grieve a little in your shoes, since I was with my ex for just over 4 years. I would probably say a prayer for him at church. It might also help to go through old pictures and just talk about it a little.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride


Thanks for the kind words. I'm just dealing with it. I talked to my husband last night at some length, and I guess that's my grief process.

There wasn't any animosity in our break-up. We were two young people who were taking different paths in life. I've always wished him well.

Writing to family members is a no-go. Great idea, but in this case, no. Every member of his family HATED me. His parents hated me. His two brothers hated me. Every time I saw his parents, his mother would whine on and on about how she was afraid we'd elope and that would break her heart. I told her 1,000 times that I had no intention of eloping, and she'd reply "That's what they all say. My sister's kid eloped and that broke my sister's heart." bla bla bla. Her husband and other two sons would just say "Yep, we know you'll break our mother's heart.".

It was sooo weird! I was 18, and every other boyfriend's parents in my past liked me. My girlfriends' parents all like me. I was used to being the "nice" girl that people (male, female, dating, platonic) could take home and introduce to Mom and Dad. Even today, I get along nicely with family members of my friends.

After a year and a half of that crapola, I was really worried about meeting my new boyfriend's parents. (Now, my in-laws.) Imagine how happy I was when my new boyfriend's mother came out of the house saying "Welcome! I'm so happy to meet you!". It was love at first sight.

Thirty-five years later, I still love my mother-in-law dearly.


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 2:44 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

That is an interesting situation, if I found out my first real boyfriend died I think I would be a little sad and possibly feel the need to grieve I still have fond memories of him. You are right 56 is very young to die, I lost my mother at 58.

Now if I found out my ex-husband had died that would be a different story entirely.




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luvathena Posts : 929 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 3:09 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Ooh Aunt- I'm sorry. That is very much like having an old friend die. You grieve in a way for the loss of a life that you appreciated. I've lost so many people of my age group to either injury or cancer. It's a rude awakening to your own mortality everytime. It's very sad too. I'm so sorry.


brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Hi Aunt- I hope you are feeling a bit better. Whenever we find out one of our contemporaries has died it is something of a shock. If it was someone you loved then it is worse. I lost one of my exes back when we were seventeen. He died in a freak accident. I had always liked him as a friend and it really upset me at the time. Even if you aren't in-love it feels a little weird. I hope you feel better.


myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt, it's always a shake-up when someone you knew and remembered fondly dies. I Googled an old friend from grad school and found out that he had died and was so sad. On the other hand, I just caught up with some old friends who are still in contact with my ex-husband. I understand that his health is not good. And I cannot overstate just how much I don't care! Then again, we did not part with good feelings (at least on my part). If you feel sad about your Ex-BF, then you do. Grieve if you wish, but not because you're supposed to. Emotions rarely do what they're "supposed to" do.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 12:55 AM Go to message in response to: myra

AOTB- I imagine that it was a complete shake up. And I agree with the other PP's that how you grieve, is you grieve. That is how you have to take these things - we can't tell you what is right or not.

Maybe write him a letter. I believe he will get it, or at least need believe it.

Maybe that will help, maybe not. But it sounds like your hubs is more than ready to support you in this tough/shocking time.





08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 9:44 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt, of course it is normal to grieve. Even though you have been married for 30 years, once upon a time you had feelings for this man so its completely normal to feel a little sadness.



kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 9:52 AM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

That sucks AOTB, really. I would probably feel the same way you do. A bit confused as to how Im supposed to feel. But just like everyone else said, just feel whatever you feel and dont worry about how youre "supposed" to feel. Everyone is different. Do you know how he died? Just curious as that is very young in my eyes too. Honestly, it would and will probably freak me out, throw me for a loop when anyone of my own age group dies (like a former high school classmate or something.) Ugh.

Personally, I like the writing idea MsD had. Now I know you said you wouldnt send anything to his family due to your past relationship, but I would write down some things anyway just for myself. A blog, or a journal entry, anything. It always helps me to write things out - and in that situation, I would probably want to honor the person in my own small way just by writing a little entry about them on my blog page or something. Then again, talking to your husband about it might also do the trick. Whatever works for you - do that and thats the right thing.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley


Thanks for all the kind words.

I'm dealing with it by talking with my husband. He knew the guy, as I met my husband while I was that guy's girlfriend. As I said, it was not a bad breakup. We were headed in different directions, and mutually decided it was time to dissolve the relationship. I went on my first date with my husband the next week.

I have no idea how the ex-bf died. The obit was not all that clear. I just know a date, and the names of the survivors, namely his two brothers.

I guess that will be the end of it, as far as I'm concerned. Maybe someday I'll run into a mutual friend, who might be able to fill out the details.

On a lighter side, yesterday, I put the name of another former boyfriend in Google, and got a lot of happy news. His name showed up in a newspaper report for his daughter's wedding. There were several photos of the daughter, who is a really beautiful young lady. She looks a lot like her father. There was one photo of the FOB (sigh) and I sat and stared at that one for a while. He's 40 years older than when I knew him, greyer, balder and chubbier. Sigh. The MOB looked radiant, and they looked happy together in the one photo. Getting dumped by him really broke my little 15-year old heart. I cried buckets.

The wedding was a huge deal in a very small town with a newspaper that must be owned by a relative, thus, much coverage.


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Ex-BF has died
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB - I am sorry that this happened, but I want to thank you for posting about it.

I have an ex that I've kept in contact with since freshman year of college. We had an on again and off again relationship. It continued some when I moved to VA, but it wasn't a set thing. He got married a couple of years ago. And I was very genuinely happy for him.

Well, after reading your post, I dropped him a line to see how he is since it's been over a year.

He's doing well, going to start trying to have kids - was very happy to hear of my wedding, etc.

So thanks for giving me a quick wake up call to drop him a line.





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