Am I worried for no reason?

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 7:02 PM

Dear brides-to-be,

My boyfriend and I decided we want to get married about 7 months into our relationship in August 2008, we have been friends for years. When I asked when we would get engaged he said no more than 8 months from now, so roughly around April 15th 2009. We went ring shopping which was super fun, and then he ended up ordering a custom design ring, which was ready in November. Sadly, my grandmother passed away in November and out of respect for her we knew there could be no proposal for the first month or two after that during the mourning period. He showed me the ring, even asked me to put it on and see how it looks, but still no proposal. He recently told me that he was very uncomfortable with the April 15th deadline, there was too much pressure and it felt forced so he wanted to take his time with the proposal. This was a very hard blow for me :( When I asked him, "well, when would it happen then, roughly", he said "soon", but I can't give a definite date, although I am thinking of a fall 2010 wedding.

I am starting to feel a little insecure and wondering whether he would ever propose. I suffer from PTSD, for which I am getting treatment, and it is difficult for him to understand and empathize sometimes. We are visiting my family and I am introducing him to my family at the end of April (they live in a another country) but I am cautious of introducing someone who might bail later. Where I come from introductions to the family usually mean engagement and marriage.

Am I freaking out too much about this?? Should I "wait and see" or, dare I say it, cut my losses and go? I have been talking about this engagement a lot and putting pressure on him, so I understand his point of not liking the pressure, I wouldn't either.

I would love to hear your views on this or if you have had similar experiences to share :)

Thanks very much!
Allison

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

I would say you are being a little too anxious about this.
I am a little confused while reading the post, I think you messed up some of the years...but I think I still got it...

It doesn't sound like you two have been together for that long...and the death of your grandmother is still fairly recent, just a few months ago correct?

April 15th hasn't even happened yet! And you are already thinking about leaving? The deadline hasn't even passed! Also, he has discussed wanting the element of surprise and was feeling a little under pressure about the deadline.

He bought you a ring, a custom-made ring and he plans on proposing. Are you seriously questionning leaving?

It sounds like you are a little desperate for marraige.

Be a little patient.

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 7:24 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Thank you for responding.

You see, that's the thing. I do want to get married and I want to get started with that part of my life already, I don't see that as anything wrong. I am 30 and he is 35, I don't see a reason to wait and I am anxious to start a family, because I think it might take me a while to get pregnant, for example.

If I was in my early 20s I wouldn't feel this way at all, but in some ways I can't afford to wait and find out later he never had the intention of proposing, if that was the case. So, maybe my lack of patience stems from there, but I am open to hearing advice and taking that advice.

Again, thanks for your response.
Al :)

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 7:54 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

My advice: Talk to him--straightforward--if you're that worried.

If you're serious about "cutting your losses," then you have to let him know first. He has a ring for you. The two of you have talked about marriage. If you're ready to bail that fast, give him a heads up.

It sounds like he wants to surprise you though. Maybe he's waiting until after he's met your family, maybe he wants to ask for your father's blessing first, maybe he wants to propose in front of all of them.

Overall though, I'd say try to find patience. And if I might caution you, make sure he's THE person you want to be with, and it's not just your biological clock ticking.

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 8:17 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

He is definitely the person I want to be and it's not just my biological clock (I had other opportunities to get married but I waited around, i wanted to find the right guy)

I will arm myself with a TON, a thousand TONS of patience and do my best to keep my anxiety at bay :)

Al

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

I would wait and see. It sounds like he really wants to marry you but for some reason is holding back....why? I don't know. He has the ring already right? So why wait? Maybe he is nervous...is he a child from a divorced parent? Is he worried about money? I wouldn't get rid of him yet. Give him a little more time to think through and to plan. Maybe he wants to give you the perfect proposal somewhere romantic. Guys are funny like that. They want the proposal to be perfect so they make the girl wait and wait until the moment is right. Not me though, my FH proposed to me in our living room haha. It was still special though. So yea, let him know how important it is for him to meet your family and explain to him that when meeting the family it usually means marriage. Make sure he knows that you are serious. I gave my FH 5 years to finally ask me. So I am sure you can wait too :)
                              

 

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Toast Posts : 480 Registered: 9/10/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 10:10 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I would just relax and give him some time. I dont think if he has talked to you about it so much and had a custom ring made for you that he doesnt want to marry you. I mean, if you love him, you are willing to wait for him...not make him fit into your plan of how it should be. If he meets your family and you dont end up getting marrie, then oh well, your family still met a great guy that you were in love with at the time.

I can understand you feel you are getting older, want to get onto marriage and kids, but what difference will a few months make? Your biological clock is not ticking that fast...lol. My mom was in her early 30's before she had her first child, and then had two more over the course of 6 years. So, she was almost 40! So, I think you have time sweetie.

Just relax, enjoy being engaged, and enjoy introducing the man you love to your family.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 10:17 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I'm going to try and parrot AuntoftheBride's usual advice for your type of situation because I think it works well. It will take the pressure off both you and your guy at the same time it puts some control back into your hands.

It's something along these lines: You don't want to be waiting around forever. Some women wait a number of years for a proposal that never comes, and during that time they could have met somebody else that wanted to marry them, had a child with them, etc. etc. So set a deadline in your own mind for when you will need to have a proposal before you cut your losses and leave him. No need to discuss the deadline with your boyfriend--not that I (or Aunt) am promoting dishonesty, but remember that the goal is to take the pressure off, and sharing a deadline with him would add to the pressure.

Obviously, you won't like to think about actually leaving someone you love and want to marry, but you need to take care of yourself. So be honest with yourself about how long you're willing to wait. And if you don't get the proposal by then, you will walk, get your own place to live (if you're living with him) and get ready to start seeing other people. That deadline, I would imagine, is probably not April 15. But maybe it's by your 31st birthday, or something like that.

Then once you set the deadline in your mind, you can let go. You'll know you won't be waiting around forever, and in the meantime you can stop bringing it up to your dude, which will hopefully give him the freedom to decide when he wants to surprise you and pop the question. And if, by some chance, he does not, you have your out. Best of luck and I hope you get what you want!

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 10:25 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Normally, I am also a large promoter of the "mental deadline." However, you seem quite anxious which you stated legitimate reasons about. I just don't want you to create a mental deadline of like 3 months...He has bought a ring, your verbal deadline hasn't even arised and he has discussed some anxieties about it.

I would talk to him, see why he is anxious about this deadline. Is it because he wants to surprise you? Because it feels like too much pressure?

Talking with him might change your mind on how you feel.

He has invisioned a fall date of next year. He has pretty much set the date for the wedding. Isn't the wedding date more important than the proposal date? That is what the proposal leads to afterwards. He has bought the ring. It is going to happen. Have a talk with him.

I don't think this is something to worry about, I think it is just being excited and anxious to get engaged. You are just impatiently awaiting the ring, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 9, 2009 10:56 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I love this forum, you guys are awesome!!! Thanks :)

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 10, 2009 1:16 AM Go to message in response to: Allison369

not to be a bitch, but i have to be blunt - back off and give him some room to breathe. by putting a physical deadline on it such as a date is pushing him too much, let him propose when he's ready. he's already bought the ring and you said you have both discussed marriage - id say since he had a ring custommade he's obviously pretty serious about it so just lay off him and give him some space to propose to you when and how he wants to. you don't know what he has planned.

with that said... i can relate.

DH and I had been friends for over 9 years before I finally decided to give him a shot (he had been crazy about me since 8th grade and claims he knew back in high school he was going to marry me). So he waited 9 years for me to come around. Within a month of us being together, I knew he was the one. In our first 3 months together we talked about marriage.

He alluded he'd be proposing to me that summer, saying I'd have a busy schedule if i took summer classes, with work and planning a wedding also. Summer came and went, no proposal.

Then he mentioned he wanted to wait until I was done with school, which was that December. Graduation came and went, no proposal.

Then, he started making random trips to our hometown to go 'shopping' with his mom but he never came back with anything. one day I did see him sneak a piece of paper into his jacket so I snuck a peak one night and found a receipt for a ring resizal. So I knew it had to be coming.

Christmas came and went, no propsal, same with New Years. I figured to just quit getting my hopes up and wait and see what happened Valentines Day, as the was that next holiday to come up. But a few days after New Years he proposed, at lunch, while his brother and brothers gf were with us. Completely caught me offguard, which was his plan as he didn't want to do a holiday or a day id expect it, and i didn't think he'd do it with an audience, lol...

So just back off a little bit and let him do his thing - you don't know what he has planned for you, maybe it's a surprise? I mean if he keeps this up for more than a year then I'd confront him and ask if he's serious and if he's ever planning on proposing, but April 15th is only a month or so away - and by setting a deadline like that he can't do it when you aren't expecting it, ya know?


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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 10, 2009 2:16 AM Go to message in response to: Allison369

I don't know the right way to handle this, but I can tell you how I would, and maybe that will help. It seems like maybe you're not just upset about the timeline being pushed back, but concerned about the possibility that he may be reconsidering actually proposing or that there might be some underlying issue(s). I would probably talk to him and explain that you are okay with him taking more time (assuming you are), but that you are concerned about whether his desire to push the deadline back is because of any underlying problems or doubts on his part. I would also explain how you feel about introducing him to you family under the circumstances and what such an introduction would typically mean. I would make sure he knows you want to respect his feelings and that you certainly don't want him proposing before he's ready, but that's it's important to you to talk things out so you know where things stand and can relax more. Again, I'm not sure that's the best way to go, but I'm pretty sure it how I'd handle it. That would work out fine with my bf, though, and I know other men are different.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 10, 2009 7:17 AM Go to message in response to: Allison369

Yeah, I think you're worried for no reason. And I think you're putting far too much pressure on him by talking about this constantly. Remember that women look forward to planning the wedding - but for men, their big moment is the proposal itself. Give him a chance to surprise you - perhaps that's what he's waiting for.

In all honesty, you really haven't been together that long, so be patient and remember that every day you wait is another day that goes towards building yourselves a strong foundation for your marriage. I really doubt that he's stringing you along - generally, men who don't want to get married won't talk about it or buy rings. Just give him some time to get used to the idea and to plan the proposal that he wants. Don't mention proposals, engagements, or weddings for a couple months. That should give him the space he needs.

If it helps, give yourself a mental deadline. You know he feels pressured by the April 15 deadline (honestly, I would, too, if I were him), so extend that deadline - but keep it to yourself, so you don't continue to pressure him. Give him whatever time you're comfortable with - say, another 6 months - and if he doesn't propose in that time, have another serious conversation and consider ending it.

About meeting the parents, does he understand the implications of meeting the parents in your culture? If not, explain it in detail. If he's comfortable with it, go forward with the April meeting and feel confident that you'll get your proposal soon. If he's uncomfortable meeting them before you're engaged, put off the meeting until you are.

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 10, 2009 8:20 AM Go to message in response to: Allison369

I think that you are being too anxious. He obviously has the plans to propose he did buy you a custom ring right? Maybe he just wants to make sure that the proposal is right for the both of you. Which could mean he is really trying to make sure it is perfect. With the death of your grandmother he might see it as being a little too soon to pop the question. I think the best thing to do is to just be patient. Don't make him feel like he HAS to propose by any certain date. Giving him a "propose by or die" date isn't going to be encouraging to him. I'm sure he understands the PTSD and I am sure that he will propose when he feels like the time is right... You wouldn't want it to be something that later on you sit back and think about as being anything but what you wanted or how you wanted it to happen.


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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: Am I worried for no reason?
Posted: Mar 10, 2009 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: Lilmisssouthern...

He feels he is ready and says he can't imagine spending his life with anyone else and there is no doubt in his mind we will get married etc. My PTSD is a concern for him, especially my anxiety attacks, but I am working on it, and he is educating himself as well. I think he just wanted more stability and knowing that the symptoms are manageable.

You are right, I do get anxious easily, and sometimes it is impossible to make the distinction between situations where I have good reason to worry and situations that I shouldn't worry, that is why I wanted to get a second opinion. I have been reading about couples who are together for a long time, 6+ years and there is a promise, but a proposal never happens, then they break up, and the guy is married within a year - that is the situation I am trying to avoid. On the other hand, I can certainly understand the pressure being quite unpleasant for him, and as he is a little on the passive side, he usually takes a little longer to plan things. I haven't said anything about the proposal or a wedding, or anything related for more than two weeks now!!!! It is hard not to but I am working my butt off!

And to answer the question of a previous poster about divorce - yes we both come from divorced parents, and we are both cautious about marriage, which is why I waited a little longer and did not accept the marriage proposals before, I wanted to make sure I don't make my parents' mistakes or don't become a statistic (43% of marriages end in divorce??). One more thing, he bought 3-4 self help books on relationships, books like "healing together" and "saving your marriage before it starts" and we are doing premarital counseling as well twice a month :))

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