My Dumb Self Crisis

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 11:29 AM

I don't know whats wrong with me here lately...This is kind of a vent as well...

Part 1:
Basically, I'm getting married Dec 5th with a winterwonderland theme (obviously by my name). I've been so excited about this for months. Suddenly, I'm having all kinds of crazy doubts and it is stressing me out. Part of me is saying its insane to spend 20K on a wedding. Part of me is saying, I no longer want a wedding with 150 guest, I'd much rather just have a few close friends. Part of me is saying lets just "elope" or have a destination wedding, but then I know our families won't be able to afford to attend and would be terribly disappointed to not get to share such a special day with us. Part of me is saying well lets just get married earlier and instead of doing an elaborate winter theme, just do some more colorful, summery things and the weather is more likely to be good. Then I think, well FH & I grad in May so we could really use those extra months to save some money, plus I've already got a couple things that say December 5th on them...

Part 2:
3/4s of me wants so badly to move away from here and move to South Carolina or somewhere. FH refuses to move more than 2 hours away. I'm just sick of being around small town people who know everything about everyone because we all have known each other since we were 5. I'm sick of cold weather. I know this is something I'm just going to have to compromise on, but it just seems like theres bigger and better things/places out there ya know?

Part 3:
In the months since FH & I got engaged, the economy has hit my family hard. This is part of the reason that I'm thinking its crazy to spend 20K on a wedding.

Part 4:
I'm beginning to worry that maybe my chosen career that I graduate with a degree in in May possibly won't make me as happy as I thought...

Vent/Rant over.....I don't know, I guess stress is just getting to me...

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Part 1- Dont feel bad. I went through the exact same thing before my wedding. I had spent 2 years planning it and all of the sudden I was like what the hell am I doing spending $35k (for 70 people) I can pay off my car, bills, etc. We did go forward with the wedding and I'm glad we did. I have so many memories that I wouldnt trade for anything else and my pictures are priceless.

Part 2- My DH and I ran into a similar sistuation. I've lived in California my entire life and we've been discussing moving out of California especially since my company is a national company. However, California has been our home and we are familar with our surroundings, etc.

Part 3- The economy has been tough on everyone. All you really can do is ride it out.

Part 4- You're graduating in may so clearly it's too late to change your major. Just remember...just because you get a degree in something does not make you stuck in that field. My current job has absolutely nothing to do with my degree

Hang in there. It'll be ok.


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

I feel the same way at times. I worry about my career (did I pick the right one?) About my wedding (can we afford this? Although my wedding is no where near 20k the money that we will spend will still be alot for us) Am I making the right choices? (Every choice I make for the wedding I wonder if it's the 'right' choice) And the list goes on.....
                              

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 1:01 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Relax...this is called a quarter-life crisis. People who are too young for mid-life crisises (crises?) have them periodically. :)

You're freaking out because you're going through a period of rapid change in your life. You're getting married, graduating, looking to find your first job in a crappy economy, and your family is struggling - it's no wonder you're second-guessing everything. Take some time to relax, and once you've calmed down, ask yourself about this stuff one thing at a time. Don't try to tackle all of it at once, or you'll just get overwhelmed again.

1. Take a deep breath, close your wedding binder, hide all the magazines, and don't think about weddings for another month. Put all wedding stuff on hold. After a month, come back to the issues you've posted about and see how you feel with (hopefully) a clear head.

I'll talk about the money issue when I get to Part 3, but let's talk about the number of guests for now. Could you feasibly cut the guest list? Have you sent out STDs or otherwise informed all 150 that they were invited? If not, then you can still make changes. How does your FH feel about this? Personally, we had 80 guests at our wedding, and it was just what we wanted. I suggest that you go through your guest list and really think about each person on it. In 20 years, will you regret not inviting this person to your wedding? If not, then you probably shouldn't be inviting them.

About all the rest of your comments on this...you're really overthinking this. I'd forget the idea of a destination wedding, eloping, changing the date, etc. There's a reason you originally planned it this way. The only things that I'd change (if you want to) are the budget and number of guests, which both affect each other anyway. And don't worry about the weather. You obviously picked a winter wonderland theme because you love winter...so wouldn't snow be a good thing? Your closest family and friends will make it to your wedding even if they have to crawl through a blizzard, so don't worry about it. Anyway, my point is that you are overthinking this - majorly. If you continue thinking, 'Well, what if I did insert random different choice...' you'll drive yourself insane. Stick with your original plan when it comes to the date, decorations, etc. Scale back on the number of guests if you need to.

2. So move 2 hours away. I think that moving away from one's home and experiencing new things is an important part of growing up. I'd be miserable in your situation. I love moving to new places and would hate to live in my hometown. In your case, it sounds like compromise is necessary. If he is willing to move 2 hours away, move 2 hours away. There's no time like the present, as you'll both be looking for jobs after graduation, anyway, so nobody would have to leave a current job to try something new. In a few years, maybe he'll change his mind about living far away and you can move again...or maybe you'll miss home and you'll want to move back. Take a small step now and then reevaluate it in a few years.

3. That's a fair point to consider. How hard has the economy hit your family? Have you talked to them about it? Is the 20K wedding still even possible? The way the market has been lately, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the 20K they expected to spend on the wedding is now worthless stocks.

Talk to your parents seriously about the economy and find out how they planned to fund the wedding and whether the amount they originally promised is still available. Where is the money coming from, and how much will spending 20K now affect their futures? So many people's retirement funding has been decimated by this economic turn - while our generation has plenty of time to ride this out, I worry constantly about my parents and their friends. I would talk to your parents and tell them that you realize that things have changed since they originally gave you the 20K quote. Tell them that you'd be just as happy with a smaller wedding, particularly if giving you the money would cause them more of a hardship than they originally intended.

Nobody can answer this for you. This is a conversation to have with your parents. Hopefully they will be honest with you about their finances and won't offer what they can't afford to pay. Let them know that you will not be disappointed if they need the money for their retirement rather than the wedding, given this economic change.

4. Stop worrying about this. First off, you won't know for sure whether your career makes you happy until you've worked in it full-time for a few years. Even if you've been the queen of the internship and part-time job in your field, you won't know until you do it full time. Plus, every job is different, even within the same field. I've had jobs I hated in my field and others that I've loved. So give it a chance and if one job doesn't work for you, try another. I'd give a new career 5-10 years (and several different jobs) before deciding it doesn't make me happy. A certain job might suck, coworkers at a certain job might suck...but you might find your dream job doing something slightly different, working with better coworkers, or you might just find that you need more experience to get your dream job...in which case you work towards it. And if all else fails, you can always go back to school and change careers (or do so without going back to school, depending on the field). Your career path is not set-in-stone just because a certain subject is listed on your BA. So give it a chance before you start worrying!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Part 1: Every bride goes through that at some point - DH didn't really care too much to really take part in much of the wedding planning (although he'd say he didn't care and then half the time come up with an opinion anyway!) and often joked about us just eloping, but his mother said she'd break his legs when we got back if we did, lol... I'll admit, the thought did cross my mind - why not just elope or go down to the JoP and save money? But I knew our families would be sad as they both were looking forward to it, not to mention we already had deposits on stuff and really I did want to have my wedding.

Part 2: You have to live somewhere that you both can agree is best for you guys's situation. For example, I would love to move further south or out west or anywhere warm really, as I hate the cold midwest winters, but I don't mind being close to our families either. On the other hand though, DH loves his job and it's currently secure - dragging him away from his job just because I hate the cold winters here would be a bad idea right now.

Part 3: Have you looked into other alternatives for what you want to do? Can you do any of it yourself? We didn't have much of a theme so I'm not sure what those cost, but we did a bunch of stuff ourselves. My aunt and mom did all our floral and decorative stuff and I designed and put together a bunch of stuff myself. There's plenty of ways to cut corners on costs and duplicate those expensive stuff from vendors yourself, you just have to make sure you have time to do it (my mom and aunt worked on the floral stuff in the evenings, I designed stuff during my freetime at work and put together invites, favors and placecards either on the weekends or while DH and I were watching tv in the evenings). I think our wedding ended up being a little over $10k, with our reception and venue being the bulk of the cost (the venue had their own waitstaff and food among other things we didn't need to go to an outside source for). Check Michaels and Hobby Lobby for sales - each has coupons everyweek - we got a bunch of our stuff from there (Unity Candle, bouquets, flowers, veil!) and they have pretty decent sized wedding aisles. Do you have to have a $100+ veil or could you just buy the $15 one at Hobby Lobby? We did that, as I wasn't thrilled about the veil to begin with, and it looked just as good as the $100 ones at the shop (I actually didn't even end up wearing it, as my mom called the morning of saying she accidently melted part of it while steaming out wrinkles! oops! it turned out better anyway, as the veil would have hid my fancy hairdo).

Also, 2 words - cash bar. We also had a keg of beer available for guests free of charge as well, but this eliminated a huge expense for us. DH and I were the only ones that had a tab - everyone else could drink from the keg and pitchers of beer for free but if they wanted anything else they would have to pay (and prices were reasonble). This eliminated most people from getting completely smashed (which was good as everyone had to drive across town to the hotel or home) and those that did want to get trashed could on their own bill. At my MoH's wedding, their bar tab cost more than the reception itself, as they had a tab for the whole wedding party, however their wedding party guests started getting drinks and handing them off to all their friends.

Part 4: Did you know that most people don't actually go into a field that's related to their degree? Granted, I'm working as a graphic artist at the moment (which I often hate my job most days, as the ecnomy is making work so boring and slow right now, but I can't afford to quit as we need my extra income to supplement DH's) and have a BA in Art, but the guy who I replaced here, he took all the same design classes as I did and now he's working in a factory cuz it made better money. DH has a degree in English and he's working as a supervisor for UPS. For awhile after I graduated, I continued to work as a manager at a movie theater because I loved the job. One of my former co-workers at the movie theater has been there for over 13 years and he was a poli-sci major who went to grad school for awhile. My mom was an English major who managed retail stores for over a decade. You can have a degree in one thing and do another - most do! I think having a degree in something is more just a safety net or a backup - I remember hearing not too long ago that some places had cut a lot of people from entry-level jobs because they had no further education past high school and were giving the jobs to people who had earned a degree. So it's a good thing to have, but just because you have it doesn't mean you're stuck in that field for the rest of your life. Sure, some jobs require a background or knowledge of some study, but others, if you can get your foot in the door somehow, you most likely don't need a specialized degree in the job.

I know how you feel though - I often sometimes wish I had gone the teaching route instead of the art route - i see so many people I know that are teaching and love it, although I don't have the time or money to go back and get certified (in most places it's a 2 year program, although if you have no life, you can do it in 1).

Hope that helps you any!

Friends since December 1997
Together since December 2006

September 13, 2008
Legally, I became his and he became mine.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

OMG this is so normal. I worry non-stop about stupid stuff. "did I get married at the right time?" "should I stay with my job?" "Am i SURE i want to live the rest of my life like this?"

whether you are planning a wedding or going through a major change in your life, these thoughts will come up. I think its totally normal. And its how to react to them that means something. Its good to talk them out with a friend or your FH or someone you trust. Normally my DH and friends can talk me back down to reality! Thoughts ALWAYS sound worse in your head than they actually are.

Is there a way you can get away for a night, or a weekend and just not think about anything? I know for me, I have a 2.5 week business trip coming up thats coming at the perfect time, b/c I can get away from everyone and regroup. Sometimes it helps to be alone....

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Thank you everyone for your advice. It really has made me feel a lot better to realize I'm not alone. I don't know whats going on with me, I've just had a pretty rough week and things have been very stressful this semester, which is starting to get to me.

NJ: I think I am going to try to get away for a weekend or something, I think it'd do me a lot of good even though it would be an additional cost.

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

the last semester of college can be a doozy! I wasn't trying to plan a wedding during mine, but thank God - I was losing it enough as it was without the added work of planning a wedding!

Just remember to take one day at a time. Focus on what you have to do now (school and graduating) and worry about everything else later. By only concentrating on 1 area in your life right now, it'll take a lot of stress off! I had to cut back hours at work just to keep my sanity that semester (cuz really, having an emotional breakdown afterhours when the projectors start acting up isn't worth it! lol...). And get plenty of sleep and remember to eat - you'll feel a lot better when you're rested and healthier if you aren't skipping meals (while it may seem productive to just eat lighter than normal or skip lunch to work on something, it's not helping your body or mind!)

Friends since December 1997
Together since December 2006

September 13, 2008
Legally, I became his and he became mine.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Dumb Self Crisis
Posted: Feb 25, 2009 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Dear WWB,

Everyone goes through these kinds of things, especially in times of great change. You have your own life changes (marriage, graduation) plus the external issues of the horrible economy.

You are normal.

Repeat, you are normal.

As a 55-year old career professional, let me tell you a little secret. Many, many people, myself included, end up in jobs that are not all that related to their college major.

The important thing is to get the college degree in the field of your choice. That tells a potential employer that, not only do you have specific training in a specific field, but that you can self-motivate, set priorites, stay goal focused, work without immediate supervision, organize, etc. These are all good things. College teaches you things besides the actual classroom career training.

I have a young friend who had a year just like yours last year. She graduated from college in May, then got married in August. She nearly went nuts trying to do wedding planning, senior thesis, etc etc etc. Now, post-wedding, she is happily settled into married life with a wonderful husband and a college grad job. I talk to her frequently and she often says that it was all worth it. Her very busy, crazy 2008 has led to a peaceful 2009.

And, no, her job is not related to her major. But the job requires a college degree.

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