Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 8:10 AM

Since statistics show that in every first marriage 50% end in divorce do any of you get nervous that it isn't going to work? That is only a half chance (flip a coin) chance that the marriage won't last!! That is not alot and it scares the crap out of me. Everyday you hear about divorces and I always worry that it will happen to me :( I don't want it to happen. I've been with my fiance for 5 and 1/2 years and we have a pretty good relationship. We hardly ever fight and when we do it doesn't last long.

There are some things that worries me that may cause us to have problems in the future: He tends to get moody at times especially when he is tired after a long day. (But who doesn't?) He doesn't yell at me or throw things he just gets moody. That gets on my nerves! But I tend to get moody at times too. So maybe that isn't such a big issue right?

Another thing is, which I think is a big thing, is he has a VERY low sex drive. We are not sexual compatible. I want "it" more than he does and we tend to argue about that alot. I am afraid I will cheat on him or something in the future:( It sounds awful!

But those are mainly it. Other than that I love him and he is a wonderful guy. He helps me around the apartment, he always tells me that he loves me and gives me hugs and kisses, he is very smart, we share the same interests like the outdoors. We love the woods and hiking. We like mostly the same type of music and we get along great.

I started to get worried more now that I am engaged (I've been engaged for almost 2 months). I just get scared....do any of you get or have gotten scared before your wedding day?



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CSUFgrad08 Posts : 114 Registered: 6/19/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Hello there!
This is such an interesting, yet at the same time, scary topic. Every couple I know, including FH and I have their own issues; which is totally normal. We are only human, so we can't all expect for a relationship to be 100% perfect; there is no such thing. I've learned a lot from close friends that have had bad relationships, as well as the mistakes that my parents have made in their relationship; those experiences have taught me WHAT NOT to do in my relationship with my FH.
I think part of the problem now a days, is that many people out there don't value marriage and see it as a pure, true, sacared committment to one another. Many simpy go into a marriage thinking "hey it's just a legal piece of paper or contract that binds us; so if things don't work out we can simply throw in the towel and call it off". That's just one example.
But there are so many other factors that can determine the fate of a marriage; I personally think it depends on the way that couples deal with issues not just during the marriage, but BEFORE tying the knot. FH and myself have started talking about some things that we hadn't considered or talked about before, such as the debts that we will both bring into our marriage, how we're going to split up the house work, when we we would like to have kids, if we're going to get loans for grad school etc... things like that. To me, I think those are pretty big topics that should be addressed before jumping into a lifetime committment, such as marriage. I am 100% confident that I love my FH more than anything else in the world, and that he feels the same way I do. We totally trust each other, and that's another big factor in a relationship, TRUST. FH and I are and have been ready to take the next big step; and I can't wait until we are husband and wife.
I think you should just take things day by day, and appreciate, enjoy and love one another every single day, and also, be optimistic. If everything is great now for you and your FH, then continue to do what you are doing, because obviously you both are in a happy relationship, so you two are doing things right! :)


 

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: CSUFgrad08

Thanks for your comment. I just always worry too much about things, my family and friends always tell me that. I am sure things will work out, but at the same time I am kinda scared. But I will take it one day at a time. Like you said, we have a great relationship now for the most part and the NOW is what counts. FH and I have discussed issues such as money and kids and we are both on the same page on that so that is good. I also trust him 100%. I know he won't go around cheating on me. He is a home-body and doesn't like to go out much and party so I lucked out on that :)

Anybody else worried or scared of the divorce statistic?



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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Maybe the two of you should talk to a marriage counsellor to work on some of these things - especially the disconnected sex drive. That's a big one - or at least it is for me. I pretty much had my previous marriage end over that one. And if it always end in a fight, like you said it does, then you should probably see someone to help you learn how to talk about sex. It's harder to talk about than money, or kids or debts or ANY of that!

 

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I don't think its necessarily bad to think about these things. Its the people who think that life after the wedding is like a fairy tale that really run into problems or people who are more focused on the wedding than the marriage. I also think that people who don't discuss the major issues get into a lot of trouble because the marriage vows really are quite vague. They are sweet and romantic and important, but who yells "You aren't cherishing me?!" Its more likely "You left the toilet seat up, again!" couples really need to sort out day to day life before they get married. My EH and I actually did a second set of vows at our reception that involved not being a pooper on the day of the bowl known as Super etc. (it rhymed). Unfortunately you can't put things they are really negative or gross into the vows. ie If you were a murderer I would leave you, because that would make for a very awkward ceremony. That better or for worse is pretty broad!

As far as your sexual desire differences go I would definitely talk about that with your FH. Its rare for a couple to go from less sex to more sex after marriage especially if they have kids. You might need a compromise, that ahem, does not involve another person, either flying solo or with a toy. You could ask him to be there with you and just 'hang out'. Chances are 'hanging out' might get him going.

You could take Nala's suggestion of counselling or if thats not your thing or out of budget there is a book called "Lies at the Altar: The truth about great marriages" that is very good. Its by Dr. Robyn from the Oprah show. She has a list of 276 questions to ask before marriage. Some are quite mundane but can give you some surprises. We did it and we had a couple little surprises. Its nice to have those things clarified before they ever happen.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 10:59 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

Here are my thoughts: I believe you can either use this information to your advantage or disadvantage, depending on how you look at it:

If you look at it as "OMG 50% of couples divorce, AHHH!" then I think it could end up working as a self-fulfilling prophecy down the road.

If you look at it as "Wow, a lot of people divorce - let's do all we can to work on our issues so that we don't end up as one of those couples", then that's the right attitude to have.

If it makes you feel better...I do believe that SOME couples get married KNOWING that it isn't really the right choice, and I think that some people go into marriage with the attitude of "Oh well, if it doesn't work out, there is always divorce". I think those couples are more likely to divorce that those who are truly committed to each other. At least that's what I tell myself, and it makes me feel better.


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MrsRicecake Posts : 700 Registered: 2/2/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

I think that people just give up when times get tough instead of doing everything and anything in their power to make their relationship work. Of course there are a lot of reasons to give up, if your partner is abusive in any way, has a drug problem you know that sorta thing.

As far as sex goes. Thats a biggy. I have the opposite problem, I have a very low sex drive and my DH has a very high one. I know it gets frustrating for him, so I throw him a bone...no pun intended! LOL!

We bicker a lot. But thats just what we do. My sister said to me, "You guys are the couple that bicker constantly, but are still madly in love!" We take eachother for who we are. I think it is really important to know that you wont change the other just because youre married, and if you want to change that person you shouldnt be getting married. Its ok to improve the person youre with. Like I am a generally messy person, I dont care if there is a dish in the sink or a sock on the floor, but DH has to have everything in order all the time, so I keep everything in order for him. Or I didnt like the DH chewed when we first got together, so he doesnt chew anymore. You just make that extra effort for the person you love. I

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 10, 2009 11:39 PM Go to message in response to: MrsRicecake

FMR - my husband and I bicker a lot too. We go through stages (right now we're in one where we bicker less). But yeah, it's just what we do. It's our way of communicating. I think a bigger problem is a lack of communicating, and having big blow-outs that results in insults and hurtful comments.

I'm glad we're not the only ones who view bickering as normal, lol

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 12:33 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I'm 20, my parents have been married for 22 years. This past October my sister and I learned that my dad had been having an affair for 2 years. My mom found out in August when my fathers mistress's husband called her and told her that her husband was cheating on her with his wife. My Mom was absolutely shocked. To the eye of everybody in the neighbourhood, to her and to all of our family...they seemed so in love.
My Dad ended up saying that he had been unhappy for about 2 years prior to the affair and then ended up calling up an ex-girlfriend to find out that she had always regretted breaking up with him for her current husband.
My Dad was upset about a lot of things...my mother's spending habits although she had zero income...in fact he was paying for her to get a degree, the fact that she didn't want to move to England (where he was born and raised and moved from in his early 20s), he felt as though she neglected him and us for her education to get the most perfect of marks.
The thing is that he always acted so proud of her when she came back with a 98 on all of her assignments. She was awarded multiple times at her graduation of her degree and began to work...although her starting salary wasn't huge.
My Mom was obviously devestated and now they are separated.
When I got into my first little squabble with FH this past month, she sent me a huge email telling me how disagreements happen...it's how you deal with the disagreements that is important. My Father disagreed with her on many decisions they had to make as a couple but he never brought it up...he hid his displeasure and it ended up leading to an affair.
FH was terrified when he found out about my parents because he thought that I wouldn't want to get married anymore and that I wouldn't believe in love lasting forever. Sure, it makes me a bit more skeptical...it makes me more scared that the two relationship role models that I had in my life are not together and that one could hurt the other so much...but it doesn't mean that I am going to shy away from it. I have learned from it.
Sure, if my Dad cheated on my Mom than anything in this world is possible...but it doesn't mean that it will happen to me.
FH and I are going to go with it and we are going to learn from my parents mistakes.

sorry. that was long.

i don't talk about it often...

There is no doubt in my mind that you have to get all of your issues out now...try to solve them. Remember, this is the man that you are going to spend with after all those long days...and the man that you will be going to bed with and having sex with supposedly for the rest of your life. After a while...things that seem small take their toll. Solve things as soon as they appear.

Edited by: BrighterThanSunshine on Feb 11, 2009 12:34 AM

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mobride09 Posts : 519 Registered: 3/5/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 3:28 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I have actually thought about this a lot since FH and I got engaged, because I feel that it is something that you can't ignore. 50% of marriages are failing for a reason, and I want to make sure that FH and I don't fall into those traps. I think a lot of people have problems specifically because they don't think about things like this. They just say "oh that could never happen to us" and forget about it, but they don't take steps to keep themselves from growing apart. Also, people give up too easily. Our priest told us that divorce should not even be in our language, and to some extent I agree with that. It is not a word that you pull out when you are mad, etc. I know that there are no guarantees, but I really think that communication is a very important piece of the puzzle. Just like in the PP's parents relationship, there can be problems and if you don't bring them out into the open, they fester and end up splitting you up. I don't even want to think of a time when FH and I wouldn't be together, so he and I have discussed this. We agreed that we would do everything in our power not to let that be us.

Obviously, at 26 years old, I don't have all of the answers. However, I don't think anyone really does. You just try your damndest to stay together through it all, and hope that you are some of the lucky ones. At least that is what my mom says, and she and my dad are going on their 30th anniversary.


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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 5:56 AM Go to message in response to: mobride09

I've been married almost a year and I still worry about this, too. But I'm a born worrier, so I basically counteract that in this situation with thoughts similar to BirdLover's.

BTW, my hubby and I bicker a lot, too.

Hubby and I get along so well for the most part, so I worry how we'll fare when our relationship is tested down the road since it hasn't really been tested yet--with anything truly difficult, I mean. I worry that when we have kids the stress of raising them will take its toll and we'll end up divorced by the time our first kid is 2, like Liv Tyler and her ex (and darn it, I really like Liv!). Of course, when I bring up stuff like that to DH he always responds with, "You can't use celebrities as your measuring stick."

On the other hand, I just finished reading a book called "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by the author of "The Kite Runner," which is set in Afghanistan and tells the story of two co-wives trapped in a marriage to the same cruel man. So when I read/hear about stuff like that, I'm reminded that I'll take the 50 percent chance of divorce over women's subjugation and Sharia law any day. Not a terribly happy thought, but it's sort of an upside, right?

Anyway, we really trust each other and honesty is really important to both of us, and each of us knows that, and I'm trusting those things will pull us through a lot.

Brighter, I'm so sorry about your mom and dad.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 7:58 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Wow, thank you all so much for your inputs. It made me feel a lot better :) I will be positive and go into the marriage thinking that we can beat that evil statistic and make it through. Communication is the key and I think that my FH and I have pretty good communication. My role model is my sister. She has 4 kids and has been married for 16 years! I look up to her for that. I asked her what her secret is and she always tells me that it's communication.
                              

 

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WaterySylph Posts : 208 Registered: 3/5/07
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 10:09 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Sometimes when people grow and change they do it separately. So when two people are in love in their...let's say early 20's they might not be still in love in their 40's because they both are completly different people then when they were younger. And a lot of people don't understand that not only marriage, but relationships in general are hard. You have to work at them. No matter what kind of relationship whether it be with family, friends or your husband/wife.

As for the fifty percent statistic, I personally think that number will go down. No-fault divorce was made legal in 1970 so the number has risen and since become a plateau. Again people don't realize and don't want to realize that sometimes marriage is very hard. It's like they default to divorce as soon as something bad happens instead of thinking "we will get through this". So let all of us begin the process of bringing that statistic down!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

No, that statistic doesn't scare me. We've been together for 9 years. We've been through a lot together and we've always found ways to work things out. I am confident in our ability to continue to do so in the future.

Sure, that statistic is scary, but remember that it takes into account ALL marriages, and that many of the people in question probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Many people get married for pretty stupid reasons. A couple years ago, I talked to a 23-year old bartender who was divorced. He had married a girl when he was 20, because she needed health insurance. When she got a job that offered benefits, they divorced. Yep, these people are out there. Sure, that's an extreme example, but think about it. Many people get married while they're still in the 'everything about him/her is great' stage of the relationship, only to find out later that the person they're married to is not as great as they thought. Many people get married because they like the idea of being married, not because they like the idea of being married to the person they're marrying. Many people want to be married and start families, but aren't patient enough to wait for the right person to come along, so they end up married to a less-than-ideal spouse. I could go on forever about dumb reasons why people get married when they shouldn't. Also consider that many people divorce for really dumb reasons. So yes, the '50% of all marriages end in divorce' statistic is intimidating, but if you removed all the idiots and focused on the divorce rates of couples who got to know one another well before getting married, thought the decision through, and are commited to working through most difficulties once married, I think you'd find the stastic to be much lower.

That said, marriage can certainly be difficult at times. It has its great moments, but it's not all sunshine and lollipops. Remember that you're committing to share the good times AND the bad. So not only do you have to deal with the crap that life sometimes throws at you, but you have to do it together. Think about how you deal with problems. Do your approaches complement one another, or does one person's negativity inhibit the other from finding a solution? Imagine your worst day and add HIS worst day - if you BOTH needed comforting, are you both likely to put aside your own problems for a moment to listen to the other persons...or are you likely to snap at one another and make the situation worse? I highly recommend premarital counseling for everyone. Even if you don't think you have any relationship issues, it brings up many questions that you probably wouldn't think to talk about on your own, and you can address issues like styles of fighting and stuff like that.

On the moodiness issue, I really don't think that's something you can change - and you shouldn't try to. Everybody has their moments - and witnessing another person's low moments is part of living together and/or being married. Neither of you should try to bottle it up when you're moody or upset - that's unhealthy and will only result in an outburst later over something trivial. So on one level, you just need to learn to deal with it. On another level, you should both be aware of the effect that your moods have on the other one. Try to limit the length of your moody spells, respond positively when the other one tries to cheer you up (somtimes, even if you don't feel like cheering up yet!), try to cheer the other one up, and try not to take things personally if the other is in a bad mood. That's easier said than done! Also, be aware of the frequency that BOTH of you are upset, moody, or down, as it could be a sign of emotional unbalance or depression.

I totally think bickering is a normal part of living with someone. I also think arguing is healthy and normal. DH and I are both very opinionated and strong-willed people. We love that about one another, but we don't always disagree quietly. Actually, I think it's pretty funny when people say they never fight with their spouse. We argue when we disagree. Then after we've both calmed down, we discuss the issue again calmly and find a way to compromise. Maybe that doesn't work for some people, but we both like a challenge to our opinions. I'd get bored if DH agreed with me all the time!

As for the sex drive issue, that's definitely something to talk about. As Nala mentioned, sex can be a driving factor to drive a couple apart. Have you talked about this? My advice is to talk about it at a neutral time - NOT right after he doesn't want to have sex, since that will make him defensive. Is his sex drive normally lower than yours, or is this a temporary situation due to stress, medication, or some other reason? (We've had out-of-whack sex drives for about a year and a half now due to DH's medication). Also, what the age difference between you? Your sex drive may decrease some as you get older, and you may be more on par with what he wants. Anyway, this is definitely something to discuss. Remember, though, that the male ego is fragile and his masculinity is tied to his ability to provide for and please you - so tread lightly at first with thi s issue! If he simply just doesn't want sex as often as you do, you'll need to find a way to compromise. For example, while DH's libido is decreased from his medication, he understands that mine is not. At first, this was terribly stressful for me, since I felt like I had to wait for him. (I felt like it would be a bit of a slap in the face to him to know that I was 'taking matters into my own hands.') When I told him I felt that way, he told me he didn't feel that way at all, and that he liked watching, or he'd be happy to leave the room if I wanted privacy. So now I don't worry about that anymore - and a lot of the time, watching me gets him feeling more 'in the mood,' and we end up having sex more often.

In general, good communication is key. So is flexibility and understanding. Don't be afraid to talk to your FH about your worries.

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MrsMcDAtLast Posts : 860 Registered: 1/1/07
Re: Fifty Percent of Marriage ends in Divorce....
Posted: Feb 11, 2009 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

The fact that you are concerned and care about this already bodes well for you, I'd say! I believe people who consider this and want to try harder are those more likely to succeed. I read a book about parenting a while back where the author stated that he had done a number of family seminars over the years, and the parents who participated for more information on parenting were mostly GOOD parents wanting to be GREAT parents. That kind of stuck with me, and I think that goes for marriage, too. WANTING to improve things even when they're already good will go a long way. Best of luck to you! :)

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