your last name...

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 8:46 PM

I am so conflicted about my last name!!!


I need to firstly say that our names sound horrible together...there is no way I would hypenate.

Now

Reasons to switch to his:
-The big reason: You are married and are a part of the same family and it is nice to be associated with each other by a common last name.
-I would like to have the same last name as my children

Reasons to keep mine:
-I have a really strong connection to my last name, it is unique--not many people have it (then again not many people have his) but it represents my heritage...it represents my family...it represents me. I have had this name for the past 20 years of my life...and it would just be very weird to all of a sudden have a different name.

It's all just so complex and I feel like I would be losing something huge by losing my last name even though I know I would be gaining something great by having his.

Also, my sister and I are the last people on our family tree with our last name. My father was the only son and then had two daughters and my brother is gay and does not plan on having children. I don't want it to be the end of the name...I know that the family tree will continue...it's just sad that the name wouldn't.

Sorry that this is so long, but what did all of you or what are all of you planning on doing about your last name and what made you decide that?

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JennHatesWaiting Posts : 74 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I also did NOT want to give up my last name when I got married (to my EH). My father had already passed and he had NO family, no parents, siblings, cousins, uncles-nothing. I was his only child so it distraught me to no end to think of giving up that name. Mine name as well was a different last name, but a very cool one!
Well I ended up taking the grooms last name. I never seriously regretted it, I will always be a "Smith". When I got divorced and even then I kept my married name. It just was easier.
Anyways, I am kind of old fashioned in certain ways so I would say take your husbands name. I don't think you will regret it. You will used to new name very quickly I don't think would be an issue. If you do change it and you don't like it, you can ALWAYS go back!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

My name is super common BUT I have a MS and whatnot in my maiden name and I'm published so some people thought I might keep my own last name.

I decided not to keep my last name that is. I also kept my middle name but I added my maiden name to my middle name - i.e. I have two middles names now. I really only use it for official signatures and documents (like my will and bank).

 

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 9:19 PM Go to message in response to: JennHatesWaiting

Brighter, I know you didn't really ask for advice, just what we did and why. But from what you wrote, I would recommend you keep your last name. I did not keep my last name, but I feel no strong connection to it, and my husband's last name sounds better with my first name than my maiden name did.

But my friends who have kept their last names felt exactly the way you did about yours, and I know they're happy about their decision and haven't regretted it.

Neither of them has kids yet, though, so I don't have any perspective to offer you on difficulties encountered when the mother has a different last name than the kids. But maybe you could give your kids your last name as their middle name and that would help. Just a thought.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

My mom changed her last name and really regretted it until she had kids and then she was really happy to share the last name with her children.
I'm glad your friends were happy about keeping their last names.

I feel like if I keep it, I will regret it...if I change it...I will regret it.

Pharmtox, I like the idea of the middle name situation. I might do that...

FH has even said that he would consider switching to my last name since I have such a strong connection and identity to my last name. I think that, that will eventually not be his decision though, he has a very traditional European family and the men are very "manly" so I think his family would not approve of him switching to my last name.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 9:28 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Brighter - Some areas even have the tradition that you take your maiden name AS your middle name. In my case, I have a strong connection to my middle name, so I didn't want to lose it. :-) So I kept both.

And I totally know what you mean about having the same last name as your kids. My one friend's Mom CONSTANTLY corrected us about her last name. Growing up it was confusing.




Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Feb 8, 2009 9:29 PM

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DAS824 Posts : 509 Registered: 8/24/07
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 11:21 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I have felt the same exact way about my own last name. After having it for almost 25 years, I would just feel "naked" for a lack of a better term, without it. I would miss it and just feel like I'd lost something. So my solution is the same as one of the PP mentioned. I will be keeping my maiden name as a second middle name and taking FH's name as my new last name.

This way I am able to keep my sense of self and personal identity while also becoming a part of our new family and being able to give our children the same last name that we will both have.

Shauna C...I can't wait!!

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shakinros Posts : 30 Registered: 1/5/09
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I'm struggling with the same choice! My last name is very common; so is his. My first name sounds fine with either last name. We already agreed that the one-day-future-kids would have my maiden name as a middle name and share his last name.

My mom kept her last name, so in one way I feel like that's my family tradition. I remember it being somewhat confusing to my friends when I was growing up, but not a huge deal. I work in the arts, so I always thought if I were somewhat known in my field, I would keep my last name. Buuuut, here we are and I'm not high profile (at ALL - lol), so now I'm not sure. Heritage is very important to his side of the family, so I know they expect me to take FH's last name. FH says he supports me either way. I'm leaning towards keeping my name. I can always change it later if I want to.

I know this isn't a story of how I decided, but I'm in the same boat!

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BlissfullBride Posts : 32 Registered: 12/29/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 3:24 AM Go to message in response to: shakinros

Well my case is a bit different.. I'm going to be a teacher and I can't imagine going from Ms. Wong to Mrs. Leung... come on girls.. u can barely pronounce that.. It;s not like lung. He tells people to pronounce it Lee-ung but thats not how it is pronounced in chinese.. and bugs me a lil that everytime my students say my name i kno its not REALLY how its pronounced but they won't be able to pronounce it the chinese way... wong on the other hand.. is easy to pronouce

Minutes before he popped the question!! The future Dr. and Mrs. Peter Leung... 

IMG_5926 by you.

"It's best to remember that after the party, it is still just about you and me."

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 8:06 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

This is my second marriage.

For my first marriage, I didn't change my last name. At that point in my life, I had plans on getting a PhD. His father was a PhD, his mother was a PhD. My family, however, has only one other person besides me who has a Bachelor's degree. I'm the only person in my family with a Masters Degree. I'd have been the first PhD in my family. And I wanted it under OUR name. Why be one of many, when I could be the pioneer <G>?

And I didn't really like his last name anyway.

Mine is a pain in the butt to spell, no one gets it right. His was easy as pie.

And I did not take it. My mother would occasionally piss me off by mailing things to Mr and Mrs X.

And in Alabama, I was not able to file my tax returns in my legal name (then. They've changed the forms now)

I do not for one minute regret not taking his name. (When I got divorced, I didn't have to revert <G>)

This time, I am taking his last name. It's just as much as a pain as mine is to spell. But he is also my high school sweetheart -- and in many ways, I think I didn't take the Xs because I could only hear myself with two last names. My maiden, and the last name of the man I am about to marry.


And I do go to a church where there are SEVERAL people who are married and have different last names (unitarian) so the askance looks I'd get from church would not be forthcoming.


Misty

Visit our Wedding Website

C.A.T., P.O.O.P.

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 9:22 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

My intentions was to keep my maiden name, so I was talking to DH abut what I would do about my last name (since we were much much older--40's), he said whatever I wanted to do. So I decided that I wanted to keep my maiden name.

Well when we went to fill out the marriage license, it asked what name do you want to go by...well I pondered for a while, looked at DH...pondered some more....ended up going by his name in the end......It took a while to get used to.

It didn't change who I was or where I came from, because in my heart of hearts I am still a "maiden" name, and always be a "maiden" name.

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WaterySylph Posts : 208 Registered: 3/5/07
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 9:46 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I've had this same problem. FH supports me totally either way, but I think I will probably end up keeping my name. Just because I won't regret keeping mine, but I will regret taking his.

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

 

 

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TiDaWinterBride Posts : 154 Registered: 10/10/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: WaterySylph

I will be taking my FH's last name when we marry simply becasue I have don't really have an attachment to the last name I have now. As a child, I went by my Dad's last name and am still known by this name, however it's not my legal last name. All legal documents are in my Mom's maiden name and I wasn't aware of this until I was 15 (when I applied for my learner's license).

I do have to say that, if my legal name were my Dad's I would definitely be keeping it or hyphenating it, as I have a strong connection to my family. I am happy that I will be changing it for the children factor, though.

You can always keep your last name and give the children both. I know you mentioned that they sound bad together, but once they are together and you get used to it, it might be ok.

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

i know how you feel - i had the same problem.

while i always wanted to have the same name as my hubby and future kids, i didn't want to give up mine either. His is Johnson and mine is bohemian, reflecting my family, and very unique, unlike Johnson (which is like a big chunk out of our phonebook there's so many around these parts!). Plus I work as a graphic artist and I feel that in the art world, my last name would stand out more. DH really wanted me to take his name though and was almost offended at the thought that I wouldn't.

So what I did was just add my maiden name to my middle name and then take his last name, he wasn't thrilled about it, but I figured that would be a good compromise. Our bank account, my paystubs and my IDs show me as being First Name, Middle Inital + Maiden Name, Last Name. Although I sign everything with my married last name, I can still use my maiden name for artistic purposes.

Friends since December 1997
Together since December 2006

September 13, 2008
Legally, I became his and he became mine.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: your last name...
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 7:07 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

I love that it is now something we think about and DECIDE now rather automatically do it without putting thought into it -- because that is just how it is done. My FH told me that I didn't have to change my name if I didn't want to, it was entirely up to me. (My X would have taken my name had I asked him to do so)

Misty

Visit our Wedding Website

C.A.T., P.O.O.P.

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