Giving idea to the parents

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younglove922 Posts : 33 Registered: 2/4/09
Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 5, 2009 1:49 PM

My boyfriend Zach and I have been talking about getting engaged for awhile. The funds for a ring was the only dilemma. He has worked out a deal with his parents to get a ring, we're using a family heirloom actually and we're both very happy with it, and they are ok with us getting engaged. We are planning on getting married until at least a year after being engaged. I need to ask my family how they would feel about us getting engaged. I'm a little nervous. I'm 19 and he's 22, age difference is not a problem. We are relatively young but we both feel this is right for this time in our lives. My parents have met him, and unless they lied to me, they like him. They are pretty open about not liking my sister's boyfriend, so I trust that they are being honest. I am planning on calling my mom soon to talk about it. I'm also concerned because I am the youngest of two. My sister got engaged to her high school sweetheart and they moved across the country for a job he took. My sister found a job and transferred schools to go with him. Over Winterbreak, while she was back home, he called my mom and told her that my sister needed to move out. I believe that after this, my parents wold be less trusting about engagements and such. Zach really is a good guy, all personal feelings aside. I can tell that he was brought up well, I don't ever see or have heard of him treating anyone unkindly, I thoroughly believe he is a genuine individual.

Any advice? Thanks


Edited by: younglove922 on Feb 5, 2009 2:29 PM

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 5, 2009 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

More like a question--what's the hurry? You're both very young and, seemingly, poor. More important than a ring is how you are going to support yourselves independently. By the way, contrary to the impression you might get from reading bridal websites, magazines, etc., it is NOT necessary to have an expensive ring to get engaged. All that takes is a verbal commitment between the two of you. But, being able to afford a ring without going into deep debt (even if it's to his parents) does symbolize financial stability (adulthood, in other words). So, forget about the ring, unless you can pay for education, transportation, housing, food, insurance, etc. If all these things are taken care of, then you're mature enough to get married (in which case, how and when to tell your parents won't even be a question).
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 5, 2009 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

I agree with everything that Myra said about financial responsibility and I also stress the importance of education. I don't know how long of an engagement you're planning, but it's a good idea for both of you to finish school BEFORE getting married. Why? Because once you're married, your marriage has to be your priority, and your education may suffer as a result. Better to get your education finished beforehand - that way, you know that you won't be put in a situation where you have to choose between paying rent and enrolling for your final semester in school...or choose between paying your husband's medical bills or finishing school. There are so many life responsibilities that can get in your way if you're going to school as an adult - or a married young adult. I firmly believe that it's best to get your education before you commit to these responsibilities.

Also, I'm just wondering how long you've been dating. Maybe it's just your choice of language, but something didn't strike me as quite right about this. You said, 'he seems to be a good person,' and 'he hasn't done anything bad that I know of,' (I'm paraphrasing). Don't you think it would be smart to wait to get married until you know FOR SURE that he's a good person and you've had a chance to learn enough about him to know FOR SURE that he hasn't done anything bad? Sorry, but you don't sound like most women who are about to get married. Most people wait to get engaged/married until they are 100% certain of their partner and their decision.

As far as your parents are concerned, I see why you might be nervous to tell them after your sister's failed engagement at a young age. I'd give your parents some credit, however. I doubt that they're permanently against all marriage because your sister's didn't work out. If they have any objections, I'm sure they will be similar to what Myra and I have pointed out...and that's nothing a couple years won't change. I would take your time, get to know your boyfriend better, enjoy your relationship as it is now, and build some financial independence. A large part of maturity is learning to be patient and recognizing that now might not be the right time for what you want. A child demands what he/she wants RIGHT NOW. A mature adult can recognize that he/she might be better off in the long run by putting off his/her pleasures until the time is right.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 5, 2009 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

I second everything that Myra and Art have said about financial independence being a MUST before getting married, so I won't bother repeating all of it. They've given you excellent advice. I got the sense from your post that you and your boyfriend are not financially independent and haven't been dating that long. You're only 19, so what's the rush?

Take it from me - I have been dating my FH since I was 17. If you had asked me at 19, I would have said "of course I want to marry him! We belong together!" However, we waited it out, and when we get married we'll both be 26. I can tell you right now that the man I'm marrying in August is a totally different person than the boy I was dating when I was 19, and I am a totally different person than I was then too. For us, we've been fortunate that even though we've both changed, we've done so in compatible ways and our relationship has grown along with us, but after watching all my high school friends break up with their boyfriends, whom they loved just as much as I loved FH at 19, I will flat out say that FH and I are the exception, rather than the rule.

It also concerns me that you said in your most recent post that you're planning a long engagement, but in your original post you said you were planning an engagment of at least a year. By most people's standards, a year isn't a long engagement - it's pretty standard, and even on the short side. To me, for someone who is 19 a long engagement means 3 or 4 years, not 1 year. Your parents may feel better about the idea if they know that, although you feel ready to make this commitment to each other now, you're prepared to take this slow.

P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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JennHatesWaiting Posts : 74 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 7, 2009 8:27 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

While I know that everyones situations are different and people are different I'm going to shed a little light on my experience. I was 19 when I got engaged and 20 when I married. I wanted to be grown up, and protected (I have daddy issues, lol!) and the idea of a wedding and being married was so cool...and whatever other reason I felt like I needed to get married so soon. My husband was 8 years older then me, he had been through all those "Holy crap I am an adult and only can rely on myself" moments and learned MANY of lifes lessons.
He was grown up (kinda!) and I was not, yet but if you had told me I was not grown up I would not have believed you!. Over the course of the next 4 years I got the rude awakenings of life, like money issues, career and schooling issues etc.

Needless to say I was still growing up and when I was more grown I realized I was not the same person I was at 19. I had way different views and outlooks on life. Like a PP said, they were together at a young age and they changed as people as well, but they were lucky and the changes complimented eachother and they still felt the same years later and are getting married now. (congrats btw!).

In a nutshell what I am saying is while you could be very much more mature then I was, that there are still life lessons you will go through. My husband and I divorced after 4 years and it was very difficult. While I was getting divorced all my friends were just getting married. I missed out on a LOT. I regret it. While I may be one case in a million I just want you to see my story to shed light on your decision to get married so young. Its your decision and I was not trying to rain on your parade at all. Just another point of view to think about.

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AlyssaMarie Posts : 32 Registered: 1/3/09
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 6:45 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

So i was in the same situation as you, i am 19 and my boyfriend is 21 and we have discussed getting married with our parents just recently. The main thing that i can tell you is just tell her, honesty is best. But I also agree with everyone else, you should finish school and have a job so ya'll can support each other.

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facen Posts : 120 Registered: 11/8/08
Re: Giving idea to the parents
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 5:23 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

dear 922, I strongly feel that you do need family, to love and all that other good stuff, it would be a really sad thing if you went through life wondering evey time you meet someone your parents approving of the engagement. I mean correct me if i'm wrong but isn't that the whole reason of you starting your own family? If not this guy, then it would be someone else, when do you think it will end? If you say he's great & everything what more could you ask for, or your parents ask for?

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