FSIL "surprises" us with news

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pickldgingr Posts : 2 Registered: 12/30/08
FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 4:01 PM

My fiance and I are visiting his family. This weekend at lunch my future sister-in-law announced that she and her husband are having a baby. I am happy for them and everyone was so excited, however, her due date is the same week as our wedding. I'm very disturbed by this. She was set to be a bridesmaid, but surely won't be traveling to the wedding (it will be several hundred miles from her home) and how many of that side of the family would really travel to our wedding rather than stay home with her when the baby is just days away.
I know we could reschedule the ceremony, but we've already put so much into planning and even though it's over 7 months away that doesn't seem like a long time to me. FSIL suggested we move the wedding location to the town where she and the rest of my fiance's family lives, instead of where we live. I know it must be an exciting time for them, but I'm hurt by the lack of concern my future sister and brother are showing for our wedding, especially when she was part of the wedding party.

What can/should I do? change the wedding? potentially lose half of our guest list?

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XYZ1 Posts : 367 Registered: 1/7/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

pickldgingr, I'm not sure I think it's reasonable of you to expect your FSIL and FBIL to "show concern" about the way the birth of their child will affect your wedding. Pregnant women don't get to pick their due dates, after all, and I really doubt they got pregnant on purpose at that exact moment so they could mess up your wedding plans. So please try to cut them some slack, and remember that it's natural of them to be more concerned with the pregnancy than with your wedding.

That said, I sympathize with the fact that this throws a new wrinkle into the planning and you're probably pretty freaked out at the thought of changing the date at this point. You and your FH should talk with his parents and family members and see if they still plan to attend the wedding, or if they are going to stay in town to take care of FSIL. If they can't or won't come because of the pregnancy, you have two choices -- go ahead with what you've planned and celebrate with FH's family at another date, or postpone the wedding until everyone can be there. I know neither sounds ideal, but I think those options are the best ways of dealing with the situation that's come up. A lot will depend on how strongly your FH feels about having his family there. If he'd be crushed to get married without them present, you should change the date. But if he's OK with keeping your original date, that's probably the least stressful option. Good luck!

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

I would just leave things the way they are. Personally, I wouldn't care if she is having the baby around my wedding. There'll be good news and happiness all around!

Can I ask you how close she is expecting to your wedding day? If it was really close, maybe I'd reconsider.

I'd just be happy for her and continue with your planning.




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MrsMaldonado Posts : 2,852 Registered: 3/7/07
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Well, they are having a baby....I think that is a bigger even than your wedding.


Not to be a total b*&^h or anything, but you said, "a lack of concern" for your wedding? The woman will be giving birth for Christ's sake....


I understand it is your wedding & it is very important thing to you....probably the most important thing in your life right now, but understand that this does not apply for every one else. People have their own things going on.


While I'm sure your FSIL was thrilled to be in your wedding party, something major has happened to her & it's an incredible thing. I think you should be a bit more understanding.....if not for her, for your FH.


If you want them to attend, why don't you move the wedding sooner?
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HollySunshine Posts : 34 Registered: 9/28/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Hey, I say just go about your wedding the way you're suppose to. Dont change your plans after having so much put into it. Obviously dont have her as a bridesmaid. But if you lose guests you lose guests. They are both really big deals and the family will be torn to have to chose. Keep cool, you dont even know if she will actually have the baby the day she is due. They baby might come late or early. Just keep your fingers crossed!

One of my bridesmaids is due almost a month after my wedding! She'll be prego at the wedding also. It happens if you do decide to try and make it work with her a bridesmaid. I would never consider kicking her out just because shes expecting. Luckily the dresses i've got picked out are looser! Phew

Anywho best of luck!!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 5:00 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Oh, sure...it's TOTALLY REASONABLE to expect your FSIL to time her pregnancy so that it doesn't conflict with your wedding. rolls eyes

If I were your FSIL, I'd be hurt by the lack of concern my future sister and brother are showing for our BABY. Look, babies don't always happen on a perfectly planned schedule. Some couples take months or years to conceive, so would you really expect them to stop trying simply because you happen to be getting married? Surprise babies also happen. Perhaps they didn't even plan it. I can assure you, though, that they did NOT plan this baby simply to ruin your wedding.

As far as the 'what to do' question is concerned, it looks like you have two choices. You're not going to change the situation, so you need to work with it. Option A is to leave the wedding plans as they are and understand that some of your FH's family will choose to stay home. Option B is to change your plans and get married closer to home, so that FSIL and other family members can make it. It comes down to this: what is most important to you? Having the wedding that you planned, or having a wedding that everyone in the family can attend?

If you want my opinion, I would probably change the location. Seven months is plenty of time to plan a wedding. Sure, it would be more work, since you already have plans in place, and you may lose a few deposits along the way, but in my book, it would be worth it to know that FH's family would be able to attend. But that's me - if you think it makes more sense to keep things the way they are, go ahead and proceed as planned, knowing that some of FH's family won't be able to make it.

By the way, as this concerns your FH's family, what does HE think? Does he want to change the location? Change the date? Since the answer makes the difference in whether or not his family can come, I think his opinion matters more than yours, in this case.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 5:19 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Well, I can understand you not wanting to move your entire geographical location of your wedding. I think its much easier to change the date of your wedding than it would be to change the location, especially if you have put down deposits and already have a venue booked, etc. If this is the case, heres what I would do. I would try and move the wedding date BACK by about 2 months from where it is now. This will solve several problems. Your sister in law will have had the baby for a month or two at that point (most likely, still no guarantees, but the chances are way more in your favor) and perhaps would be ready to travel with the baby to your wedding. If not, at least the rest of his side of the family wont be worried about her going into labor etc - and they will be able to make the trip as planned. Also, it will give you two more months to plan your wedding! I say talk to your vendors and venue if they are booked, and also talk to both sides of the family and let them know youve decided to move the wedding date back a couple months so that there is a higher chance everyone can attend. And then, if your sister in law decides to A. only attend but not be in the wedding party or B. not attend at all - try to understand it from her point of view. Having a baby changes everything, so she may just have to see what is up and how she feels at that point. but at least this way, you will get to keep the wedding where you originally wanted it, and still give her side of the family the best chance at attending.

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I have to say, I agree with Kelly. It's a win win situation.

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

I would just leave things the way that they are now and continue planning. It's said that she probably won't be able to attend or be your bridesmaid anymore, but things like this happen. You have to realize that her baby will be way more important then your wedding (in her mind). That does not mean that she doesn't care about your wedding, but she has bigger priorities in her life. Try not to take it personally.

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

It is interesting to me to read this post right now because just yesterday a pregnant friend of mine told me that she is so upset because her due date is the same day as her brother's wedding (which is a 10 hour drive from where she lives). I actually checked your location to see if you were her FSIL (you are not). I don't know about your FSIL but my friend is sooo devastated she can't be there for her brother's big day. She has gone over every single option she can think of from inducing early and either bringing the infant with her (not really safe for the baby) or leaving the baby at home with her DH and having him miss the wedding (yeah, she might ever be able to tear herself away!) to crossing her fingers and making the trip anyway with the hopes that her water doesn't break during their reception and if it does that the unknown doctors in the area will take as good care of her as her regular doctor. Unfortunately, the cold hard truth is that she just has to miss it and trust me, she is really devastated about it. Her brother had his wedding date set for 2 years and has so much money invested in it that he simply cannot reschedule- although that is something he considered, too. And while she and her DH were trying to conceive she had only just gone off birth control and figured it would take a while longer to get pregnant so you simply cannot blame her for poor planning. And even if she did think she would get pregnant immediately that is her prerogative and, really, not your business.

However, despite this being the first grandchild in the family I have never heard her say that anyone in her family was going to miss her brother's wedding in order to stay with her when the baby is due. After all, wedding guest stuff will last a few days max and chances are she won't go into labor right then and even if she does then they will just have to miss it (and come on, most family members don't go into the delivery room) and get there as soon after your wedding as they can. I sincerely doubt you will actually lose half your guest list. If you do determine that you will lose that many people then, yes, you might want to consider changing dates or venues.

What really bothers me, though, is YOUR lack of concern for THEM and the fact that you would actually be "disturbed" about any facet of this situation. I highly doubt that they planned the conception for her to be due right during your wedding. Was she just not empathetic enough? Didn't even make it look like she was disappointed or felt bad about asking you to rearrange things? The thing is, she HAS to think of herself first now because she is thinking for a future human, too, and she may be overwhelmed with what is coming up in her near future.

I hope that you are merely venting here because you realize it would be unwise to actually air your discontent to anyone you know- because you almost certainly come across badly. Try to remember that they didn't do this on purpose and that it has absolutely nothing to do. I was just reading this to my mom and we decided that if I was pregnant and due the day of my brother's wedding I would WANT her to go to his wedding and just get back as soon as she could, I really would, and we couldn't imagine anyone else in the family who would stay home for me instead of going to the wedding.

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Megan0071234 Posts : 71 Registered: 8/24/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Whatever you do, please don't mention the lack of concern to your FSIL. This may not have been a planned pregnancy, and she may not be thrilled with the due date either, but making her feel guilty is not going to do anything but ruin your relationship. My MOH just found out she is pregnant & will be due near my wedding, but also her own wedding a month before. It was not planned, and she is pretty bummed about the timing, but we are going to make things work because I love her. Please don't take this the wrong way, but unless your FSIL deliberately got pregnant to steal your thunder, you need to get over it.

If you do move the date, I agree with PP that earlier is always better than later, since it will be harder to attend with a newborn.

My one sister didnt get to make my other sisters wedding for the same reason, but I am pretty sure sis wasnt upset with her lack of concern for her wedding date.

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mobride09 Posts : 519 Registered: 3/5/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Personally, I too would be a little put out if someone asked me to move the geographical location of my wedding just because she is pregnant. If she can't come, I would understand that (obviously) but I wouldn't be changing my wedding plans for my FSIL. It is really just a matter of whether or not you and your FH want to change for her. If it is important to you that she is there, then maybe follow Kelly's advice and push the wedding back a couple of months.

My FSIL is also pregnant and is due about 2 months after our wedding and has already said she isn't coming, even though it is within an hour of where she and FBIL live. She is afraid she would be uncomfortable, which is fine with me. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable at our wedding, but I am also not about to change the time OR location just for her. But, it is also no secret that FH and I don't like her very much.

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pickldgingr Posts : 2 Registered: 12/30/08
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

coming back a few hours later and reading this I realize I did come off a bit selfish and silly. Of course I am very happy for them and I know she isn't trying to "steal my thunder."
I'm discussing it with FH and we're looking at maybe pushing it back. I would not change locations as my grandmother can not travel and it's extremely important to me that she attend. The timing is just, well, it's not great. We wanted to get married before FH started graduate school, but I suppose we'll work it out someway.

Maybe we'll just throw caution to the wind and skip to Vegas...today... ;)

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

When my brother was getting married in Florida my sister (here in New York) was about a week away from her due date. Well, her doctor didn't want her to travel. So since this was my sisters 2nd child and her husband's family was all in town, my sister told my parents to go to my brothers wedding, she would be okay her her husband & family looking after her until my parents could get back home to help her....and besides, it I think it was a day or 2 after the wedding we got home.

Well just so happens, that we were at the rehersal dinner at my brothers house and my sister called later that evening saying that my nephew was born! Of course we were all shouting for joy for her. Everyone was missing everyone.....my sister wanted to be at my brothers wedding and my brother wanted to be there to witness the birth of my nephew. But it all worked out in the end.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FSIL "surprises" us with news
Posted: Jan 22, 2009 4:50 AM Go to message in response to: pickldgingr

Dear Pick,

"but I'm hurt by the lack of concern my future sister and brother are showing for our wedding, especially when she was part of the wedding party. "

Maybe they are hurt by your lack of concern for their baby. The baby did not know of your wedding plans when he/she was conceived. Babies tend to come on their own schedule.

You have to decide what is more important to you. Having your wedding as scheduled, knowing that SIL and a few other might not attend? Or, moving the date a bit to better accomodate the baby's scheduled arrival?

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