Hurt either way?

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Srramlal Posts : 15 Registered: 1/17/09
Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 12:36 AM

I am 29 yrs old, my boyfriend (42yrs) and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, living together on and off. I know that we both love each other very strongly, we have no doubt. We both have talked many times about how we feel like we are the one for each other. About a year ago I started to feel like we should be moving towards something. So, I broached it with him. At the time he seemed excited, but over the last year he seems to have developed cold feet and reluctance, which I attributed to his having been divorced before. He has been saying over the last year that he's happy with me, that he pictures us married and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. Yet, after asking for a year... though he seems very much to like the idea of it, he also seems complacent and drags his feet about actually taking the steps needed. Recently I started feeling really depressed about it, because he seems to be complacently happy to the point that he has no plans for marriage. I decided rather than being depressed, that as much as I love him, after asking for a year, I would rather leave the relationship and try somehow to move on. When I talked with him about this he offered to propose to me this summer rather than lose me. But now I feel like if he ever does propose, it'll feel like it's just because pushed him into it. I seem to feel hurt any way that I try to look at it. I feel very confused and am looking for advice.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 8:14 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

Wow, this is such a difficult situation. I applaud you on your independence and how you were able to know yourself enough to make a stand and not want to live your whole life looking for an engagement that maybe wasn't coming. I think communication is the key here. You need to know that he's going to be happy being married to you and that this ultimatum isn't going to cause problems down the line... but only he can tell you that. Maybe some pre-marriage counselling sessions would work out for you guys? From what I hear, most churches require it but maybe it would work out in your favour. :) I really hope that you get to have a straight answer out of him, because otherwise you'll just have to go with your gut.

<big hugs> You're doing the right thing.


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10/26/08 

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 8:54 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

Sorry to have to say this but, I think the reason he said he would do it this summer is because he wanted to have a few more months to string you along. You said I am leaving and so he says I will propose later. What happens when later comes and still no proposal? Will you allow him to say I will do it at Christmas and then stick around until then?

He hasn't proposed yet because either he doesn't want to or he doesn't need to. You have to decide how much of your life you want to give this man before, you get what you want.

To be honest with you I have a 24 year old daughter and I would have seriously questioned a 37-38 year old man being involved with my 24 year old daughter, especially if he had previously been married. But that's just me.

Kenny and Me Perfect Together, 10 years and counting.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 10:08 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

In many ways, I agree with both Nala and Kennys. What I'd suggest, as summer IS approaching, is that you start actively looking for apartments. Summer starts when schools get out or June 21 (via the solstices). Give him the time between school letting out and June 21.... but also start making the plans and definitively going through the motions. Let him see you mean business. You love him, but you will not be walked on by him either. And just because you move out does not mean you have to break it off -- you could tell him that you're moving out because you don't want to live with someone you're not going to marry. A lot of people will move in together after engagement.

Right now he has everything he wants -- he has you living with him as a spouse. Why does HE need the piece of paper? He has no incentive. However, YOU do....and it's not just because it's a piece of paper....it is legal protections. He's failing to do his duty by you by cohabitating without marriage -- he's not protecting you for the future.

And you might want to ask him why he wants to wait until summer: was he just asking for that time to plan something? Was it because it is going to take him that much time to decide whether he wants to marry or or is willing to lose you? He already knows you'll say yes, so it's not like he's got to buck up the courage to ask a question whose answer he is not absolutely certain of. One answer is acceptable--he wants to make it special. The other is move of the answer you're afraid of.

Good luck, and I am proud of you for recognizing that you do have worth and for not being willing to wait around for him to get his head out of his butt forever!

Misty

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

Trust me on this one, if a guy is pushed into a wedding, he will not do it, so dont worry, I think he is a bit scared but eventually he will ask you. Is marriage very important to you?

 

I bought our rings @

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facen Posts : 120 Registered: 11/8/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

Welcome, but first, you must remember everyone is thier own person, as much as you want it to happen, it won't, if you keep nagging and pressuring the issue will only make it more distance from his mind, put it in God's hands and let him bring you your husband, not the other way around.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: facen

I disagree with the PP, you have to take control and put your life into your own hands.
If marraige is very important to you, and he doesn't want to do it...then you guys probably wouldn't work out in the long run.
I think you two need to sit down and talk very calmly about how you want the rest of your lives to look and make sure that they go well together.
If he doesn't want to get married anytime soon, you might need to evaluate what is more important, him or having a husband.
Some people don't get married and stay with a common-law husband for the rest of their lives and that doesn't work well for other people.
But if you feel like he is the person that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, you might have to sacrifice the actual marraige.
See why he doesn't want one....I think you have a lot of questions to ask.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 19, 2009 12:39 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

I have to agree with Kenny. He's buying time. Prepare yourself to move on.


Hugs. I know this is a really crappy situation, but he has no reason to want to get married if he has you already living a very married like lifestyle. I told my FH that I wouldn't move in with him until we were engaged. That was my rule. It doesn't work for everyone, but maybe you moving out will give him something serious to think about.


          ever thine          ever mine          ever ours

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 19, 2009 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

I gave my DH a time limit up front cause I know how some guys can be. I told him while we were dating that I want to be engaged up to one year cause I dont want to be thinking that hes milking the cow without actually buying it. He understood that and he married me 4 months after that was said. He said why even wait that long? But you need to out your foot down immediately because hes going to keep treating you how you allow him to. I would talk with him and say i want to be married such and such and if such and such date is approaching and theres no honey lets go pick out rings etc then its time to set the bags near the door

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Srramlal Posts : 15 Registered: 1/17/09
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 1:26 AM Go to message in response to: JJsWifey08

I am new to this, so I hit reply but this goes to everyone...

Thanks so much for your responses and advice! It has meant the world to me and I will be re-reading them a lot as I weigh my decision over the next several months. I know him well enough to know that he isn't intentionally stringing me along. It's more a case of indecisiveness, complacency and somewhat of stereotypical male absentmindedness. I want to stay focused on the sincere love we have for each other- the
feeling that what we have is special, real and what some people never even get to experience in their lifetime. To lose that would be heartbreaking, but to feel like I lose myself in waiting is not a good solution either. Getting married is something I definitely want in my life, I never saw myself sticking around playing an indefinite waiting game. I think I need to find a balance between being patient, understanding and loving of where he is at, without being pushy, yet standing up for myself without being manipulative. I see myself moving out without breaking up and seeing how he responds. Whether he steps up or steps back will, I think, tell me what I need to know. I honestly feel more like having my own place at this point than playing house. I'm just not sure when, before the summer or after. I've set a deadline in my mind by next Christmas to really come to a decision about us. I have really enjoyed reading everyone else's stories and excitement. I am very happy for everyone here in whatever stage they are in and I think you have a very strong community thing going on. Thank you for letting me be a part of it. I appreciate the help you gave.

btw-If anyone was wondering, I just put in a wedding date because they made me

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 21, 2009 12:09 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

I think I pushed my FH to finally proposed to me. We were dating for 5 years and we lived together for 8 months before he proposed. We always talked about marriage but he was low on cash so that is why the proposal took forever. But I would always remind him that I wanted a ring (he's the kinda person u have to really push). Then finally a month before Christmas he asked me if I wanted a ring? I said YES! haha We went shopping shortly after that and I got the ring for Christmas Day :)

Some guys you just have to keep on pushing. My FH had a good excuse though....money. If your man has no excuse then maybe it's time to move on. Tell him you want marriage in your future and if he doesn't then it's time to move on.
                              

 

 



 


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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 21, 2009 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

I think you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck. I hope things work out the way that will make you happiest.

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 22, 2009 4:17 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

I love my FH with all my heart and always have but he had a BIG problem with setting things in stone. He would say he loved me and always wanted to be with me but when it came to making a serious move he wouldn't do it. We lived together forever and he said he was increadibly happy. Well I wanted more...
He said he'd help my credit and put my name on his credit card.. yea didn't happen.. "we" bought a house and he said I can co-sign or be on the deed.. didn't happen.
I finally cracked. I was doing EVERYTHING for him. Whatever he wanted I would do. I was tired of it. I told him I love him very much but i'm tired of not getting something I want. I said I had to get out. He asked what it was I wanted and I told him I wanted him over his fear. Over the fear that i'll hurt him in ANY way. I said I wanted to either get engaged and have a year long engagement or so.. or one of the above. He said lets go shopping for rings then you can get it all. ;)

BUT in his case I KNEW it was fear of getting hurt emotionally and money wise. Once he saw I wasn't going to be strung along until god knows when.. it all worked out. We now talk about ANYTHING that is wrong and are doing wonderful.
Hell he told me the other night he was getting worried because we didn't have sex as much as he wanted. :slams head on wall: I'm home maybe 3 nights a week? Apparently he wants it everytime i'm home. So we talked it out and never had a fight just came to an agreement. He doesn't understand i'm working full time and college full time at night.. but... oh well I love his little butt. ;)

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Vanessaleigh Posts : 7 Registered: 1/22/09
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 22, 2009 11:24 PM Go to message in response to: Srramlal

ive read many many times that giving a guy an ultimatum is NOT a bad thing. Because yes they will get set in and comfortable && not go through the hassle of a wedding && all the other stuff that goes with it. He obviously wants to be with you or he wouldnt say all of that. I would give him the ultimatum && see if he does it if not then obviously you do deserve better.
Good Luck!

KissFuture Mrs. David McMahanKiss

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Hurt either way?
Posted: Jan 28, 2009 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: Vanessaleigh

Ladies,

"ive read many many times that giving a guy an ultimatum is NOT a bad thing. "

My suggestion is to set a deadline date, but keep it to yourself. Either he will get off his duff and propose by xx/xx/xx, or you will decide that it's time to move on and meet men who are marriage minded.

Remember, there are lots of people out there that you can love. In order for a marriage to work, you have to have several elements:

1. Woman has to want to get married in the first place.
2. Man has to want to get married in the first place.
3. Man wants to marry that particular woman.
4. Woman wants to marry that particular man.

If these four things are not lined up, then there's no marriage. Lots of people can sincerely love another person while not wanting to get married in the first place, or without wanting to marry that particular person.

You reach your unspoken deadline date, then have a conversation that goes something like this:

"I think it's time for us to break up. We don't have the same goals in life. One of my goals is to be married; that does not seem to be one of your goals. There's nothing wrong with not being married, but it just does not match my life goals.

Thus, I'm moving out / you're moving out / we're moving out and I will be out in the Single World meeting other men. I hope to meet someone that is marriage-minded."

It's either that, or go into your 40s and 50s and 60s hearing "I'm just not 'ready' yet.".

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