Young and Soon to be engaged....

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MandJ2010 Posts : 23 Registered: 1/12/09
Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 17, 2009 9:12 PM

I was curious if any of you younger ladies have told their family and friends that they are getting engaged soon and how have they reacted?

I have had a lot of negative comments about our relationship in general because he is 9 years older than I am and he lives out of state. Therefore, people definately give an eyebrow raise!

My family and friends dont want me to move away (understandable, I will miss them!) and some of them think I am TOO young(I'm 21!) especially my grandma! hehe. All in all, we are going to do what is best for our relationship. We are adults and do not need everyone's opinion on how the relationship isnt good and/or how we should run it. Recently, when anyone gives an opinion I say, "Thank you for your opinion, but I do not agree!" and I leave it at that. Im trying to be calm and nice about it, but it is hard!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 12:29 PM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

I think you should appreciate the concern, as it's surely well-intended. If you were my younger sister, I'd probably have some initial concerns, and I'd want to talk to you about them. Older people don't try to give you advice simply to be judgmental. Most of the time, we're just concerned because we've been in the same position and made a poor decision - or we know someone else who has. If they care about you, they'll want to know that you've thought the decision through thoroughly, and that you've thought about the answer to any objections they may have.

If their objections are simply, 'You're too young. Nobody should get married before age insert the age they think is appropriate', you may have to just learn to ignore them. Most likely, though, their objections will be more specific, such as, 'You're really young. How will you support yourselves?' or something like that. Think about the answer to their objections, and when the question is raised, calmly repeat the answer. Once they're satisfied that you've thought the whole thing through, they will stop raising objections.

If you were my sister, my biggest concern would be the age difference between you and your FH. For the most part, 21-year olds and 30-year olds live in completely different worlds. He is so far past the point in life where you are that I'd be worried over his ability to relate to you. Likewise, you've never experienced many of the things that he deals with on a daily basis. I've experienced this myself recently while supervising an intern. I am a 28-year old professional. My intern is a 21-year old student. She's a wonderful girl, and very mature for her age. Still, my reaction to many of the stories she tells is, 'I'm so glad I'm past that age!' I've also had to explain to her many things that I take for granted about how the world works and how to deal with people. It doesn't seem like there's many years between us - heck, I doubt I look any older than she does! - but there's such a BIG difference in life experience. It won't be as big a difference in a few years, when she grows up a little more, but it's a big difference now. So if you were my little sister, that's exactly why I'd be worried. Again, it's not to be judgmental - but there is a good reason for my concern.

My advice is to give them time. They'll get used to it in time, and you're also getting older by the minute. I might even make a joke out of it, saying, 'Really, grandma? You said I was too young last month, and I'm older now!' Be patient and try to appreciate their concern.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I agree with ArtBride on a couple points.

First, in my own experience as well, the different between who you are in your early twenties vs. late twenties is significant. Looking back on my twenties I feel like there was even a huge difference between who I was at 24 and who I had become by 27 or 28. And then I felt another shift, though not as big, from about 28 to 30.

Second, maybe their questions/concerns are valid. If you love each other, great. But have you thought through whether you're actually compatible? Do you have a plan for your living/work/money situation? If the answer to both of those is yes, then you're on the right track, and if the people who are asking are important to you, then just take the time to explain your thoughts to them. They're just looking out for you.

If the people asking are people you're not that close to and you don't feel like explaining, then do what you've been doing, or a version: "We're very happy together, thanks."

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

One more thing. Why are people concerned about the fact that your FH lives out of state? Have they not met him? Do they worry he might be running around on you? Are they worried b/c you're planning on going to live with him out of state, away from your friends and family, and they're concerned that might not be the best thing for you?

Again, depending on your circumstances, the length of the relationship with your FH, and the type of person your FH is, I might or might not be concerned for you, too. If one of my good friends had decided to move out of state for a guy I had never met--or who I wasn't sure had my friend's best interest at heart--I would talk with her about her thinking and whether she was actually OK with it or whether she had any reservations about it, and therefore whether it was actually the best thing for her. And most of my friends are in their 30s.

You don't necessarily need to give US all the details if you don't want, but maybe this will give you a clearer picture about where the people in your life are coming from.



Edited by: HappyGirl13 on Jan 18, 2009 2:44 PM

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peta23 Posts : 3 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 19, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

Hey, I am 22 years old and I will be getting married at 23. Even though I am young, by the time I get married I will have a B.S. in Education and heading towards a PhD. So I believe age is just a number when getting married, as long as "you" are able to support yourself and a family. I always say with marriage comes a baby, because slip-ups happen and I know people who have lasted years without any children and then couples who conceived on their wedding night (obviously not planned). So, as I said before, as long as you are stable, and you both are in love, go for it!!!
What God Put Together Let No Man Put Asunder

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ChrisBride Posts : 33 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 3:26 AM Go to message in response to: peta23

Wow this is the 2nd post I happened to come across recently that involved age. Personally, I don't feel that 21 is at all too young to marry it seems to me that age is simply a number and cannot determine your maturity level or anything else of that nature. As for your FH's age, again if your happy with the person and you both seem to fit then what's the matter with how old he is?

You asked whether any other "young" bride to bes out there have told any of their relatives or friends about the upcoming engagement. I happened to tell my grandmother this morning of my FH(21) and I's(18) plans for engagement in the year and she was perfectly happy with the idea. In her mind, she married for love and my grandfather was older than her as well. She took it quite well and a lot better than I was expecting. I mean yes you should be worried about what your relatives will say, but most importantly you need to weigh your options and know what's right in your heart. If you feel that this man is the man your meant to be with forever, then no matter what anybody has to say you can stand up proudly and defend your love. I hope things turn out well for you and please keep us updated on the situation!!
Love is all you need...

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PV2PHILLIPS2B Posts : 25 Registered: 1/13/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

I can relate to some degree. FH is actually YOUNGER than me by quite a bit. My friends & family have had their concerns form the beginning because of the age difference too. The best advice I can give is that only you & your FH know what you have. Only you two know how you feel the way you do about each other, and only you two can say whether or not it's going to work. Age is nothing but a state of mind. You can't help who you fall in love with... that's been my motto from the start. My FH, although is quite a bit younger than me, has been through much of the same things I have, and has had to grow up very early on in life. His maturity surpasses mine alot of the time, even though I was born first! LOL

I have asked him why he loves me. At first he would say "I can't explain it. I don't know it's just a feeling." That of course wasn't good enough, so I kept asking. Finally, he asked me if I could say why i loved him so much. Of course I started spouting off qualities... intelligence, humor, attractive, sweet, etc... Then he stopped me and said " There are plenty of guys out there that have those same qualities. Does this mean you love them to? No, because love is chemistry. When you love someone, you have a connection with that person. You can't explain it, it's just there!" He's such a smarty pants sometimes. But it really is a true statement. Who can really explain why they love the person they love? So I say, if you both make each other happy, and those people that love & care about you have doubts, then once they see how happy you two truly are, they will jump on board too! That's what has happened for me, and I pray that it happens for you.

I don't know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either~ Tristan & Isolde

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 21, 2009 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

Well this is coming from experience. I am not going to tell you that you are too young. However my sister got engaged at 21 to a 30 yr old (although she never told us his real age and I found out on myspace..) and they are now married expecting a baby. They got married when my sister was 23 and have been married for 18 months. While things seem fine between them, I sometimes wonder about his judgment. I mean, he lived his 20's already, he got to do all the single things and sometimes I feel like he robbed my sister of that. I had a blast in my early 20's and now she is expecting a baby and doesn't really know what she is missing b/c she got married so young. They aen't super social, don't have many friends (b/c she kinda ditched them for him) and I feel bad for her sometimes. Sure she is happy and thats what counts in the end, but its definitely something to think about. I dont think its responsible for a 30 yr old to expect a 21 yr old to settle down...

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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sugarysweetmach... Posts : 4 Registered: 1/20/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

I have to agree with artbride here too, honestly. I dated a guy 9 years older than me in my last relationship (I was 24, he was 33) and trust me, you ARE in two different worlds in many ways. I just suggest that you use a lot of caution going into this, because people who are that far apart in age rarely evolve at the same rate and it can cause problems. (ex. my ex got mad at me because I took an amazing job opportunity instead of moving in with him after only 6 months and told me later that that decision made him feel like the rest of the relationship was a waste of time)

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honeysuckle18 Posts : 2 Registered: 9/12/08
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Jan 25, 2009 10:55 PM Go to message in response to: MandJ2010

Well, I am 18... I am going to wait awhile before you know I make the big plunge...
My boyfriend has been talking about marriage. I just started college this past fall...
But, I love the idea of being with him and only him..

Can I have some feedback on this please???
private messages are welcomed

"always live your life to the fullest"

Honeysuckle18

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youngnhappybride Posts : 13 Registered: 9/30/08
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Feb 5, 2009 3:30 AM Go to message in response to: honeysuckle18

I am 18 and so is my FH, but we will be 19 when we get married. We have been together for 4 years and after we graduated high school is when my FH popped the question. But I guess for us it's not really that big of a deal, ( in my eyes anyways) We live together and have been for the 2 years. I guess not much would really change, other than my last name. But I do get alot of people who say negative things about our age, it bugs me sometimes, but I usually just ignore it.

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BaG2BaL Posts : 6 Registered: 3/24/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Apr 14, 2009 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: honeysuckle18

I'm turning 19 next month, and soon to be engaged. My boyfriend asked my dad's permission last weekend :)
i will be 20 when we get married, and my FH will be turning 20 the month after. I don't feel too young at all, and it works perfectly with the timing of school, and living and everything. We have actually only known each other since September, but I know without a doubt that he is the man God wants me to marry. I know a lot of people won't be supportive of our ages and how fast it must seem, but we know it's right, and our parents support us, so we don't really care what others think. It's their opinion, and our life.

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Tofu Posts : 66 Registered: 4/2/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Apr 15, 2009 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: honeysuckle18

Honeysuckle,

(as per requested)


When I was 17 and starting college, I had already been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We didn't discuss marriage (from what I can remember) in terms of a wedding, just the idea that we would be together in the future. However, if he asked me to marry him, I would have said something to the effect of, I would love to, but ask again in a couple of years. During college I was able to be a really serious student. I lived about an hour from FH and my family, and consequently made the most of my College years. I met new people (instead of spending most time with FH, who I saw usually once a week), took on lots of extracurricular activities, and got amazing grades, which allowed me to get into the program I am in today. If I had gotten married during my undergrad, I think my marks would have suffered. Now, I am in my grad school/professional program with a year to go, and when I am all done I know that I will be able to earn a great income and have my career in place.

Even though I graduated and moved back home, my FH's path took him to a different city a few months ago. He would have turned down that job if we were already married and would have been jobless for a second year in a row (it's a career with annual hiring in the city where we live). Instead of living at home doing nothing, he is a few hours away paying off debt and making money. I know if we were married he would not have even applied for the job. I'm sorry this got long and I don't mean to tell you my life story, but I share these things to illustrate how marriage would have led us to make different choices that in the long-term would have been detrimental to our life together. Now he will have money saved up for when we move in together (I've been a life-long saver so I think he wants to contribute equally), and I will have a great-paying job, all by the time we get married. We will be 24 and 25 at the time of the wedding. We will start out a life together being able to buy, instead of rent, our first place!


Part of me wants to get married already because we have been together for so long (over 7 years now), but you know what, 23 or 24 is still young...


I hope that kind of gets at the feedback you were looking for, if not, ask away!


Cool

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manderz421 Posts : 17 Registered: 2/7/09
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Apr 15, 2009 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

I can totally relate to this situation. I will be 22 next week and FH is 26. We have been together a little over 4 years. His family is super excited for the wedding, but my family doesn't seem as happy or excited, which is definitely disappointing to me. The other day, after FH and I had talked about it, I asked my parents what they thought about me moving into his apartment (he lives with a roommate). I figured they would have said it will be hard but do what you want. My dad almost flipped out about it, I think he feels that FH isn't good enough for me and that he never thought our relationship would have lasted this long, let alone lead to marriage. My parents told me that I can't afford it and with only a year to go until I graduate college, they don't want me to mess up in school now. Then they brought up the fact that I am young and never really got to have fun in college, which is true, but I had a lot of fun in high school! I lived the drunken nights in my teenage years and while I still like to go out and have a drink, I am kinda over it and ready to move on with my life and have some responsibility. So basically they told me to not look at as a negative that I can't move in now, but to look at it positively, to set a goal and save money so that the day I graduate I can move in with him. So for now I am living home, saving money and letting my parents pay for everything, and getting through school. But I've had enough of the advice and lectures, I just want to prove that I can do it on my own, without mommy and dadyy!

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Young and Soon to be engaged....
Posted: Apr 17, 2009 10:29 PM Go to message in response to: manderz421

Just a note: FH and I are 10 years apart. He proposed to me when I was 21 and he was 31. I've never noticed the difference.

 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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