I need help.

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beautifulbridet... Posts : 2 Registered: 1/7/09
I need help.
Posted: Jan 7, 2009 6:09 PM

hello all my name is alexandria and I need help. Ive been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now and he hasn't proposed to me. we've discussed getting married and he wants to be with me and spend the rest of our lives together but hasn't made the move yet. I mean he's even talked kids!! I just dont know anymore. I also dont know if hell even propose to me in the next 2 years. especially with him being in the navy. I need help and reassurance. If u can please help.


thanks
Ali

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 7, 2009 7:39 PM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

Dear BB2B,

Here is my suggestion. You have to think about what is right for you.

I'll assume that you have decided that a personal goal for you is to get married. Sure, you'd like to marry This Guy, but if he is not interested, then what? Shotgun weddings are so passé, so you'll need to find some other living breathing male who is willing.

You do not want to go year after year waiting for him to get off his duff and propose. So, make a deadline for yourself, in the privacy of your own mind. Let's say it's 12/31/09. If he hasn't proposed by then, then you will start looking elsewhere. You will consider yourself available to other men, men who might be more marriage-minded than the boyfriend you have now. Mind you, this is not an ultimatum you should tell him. This is a deal you make with yourself.

If he proposes between now and then, and if you do want to marry him, then great. Accept and start looking at bouquets, dresses and cakes.

If he does not propose between now and then, and if you still want to marry "someone", then move on. Tell all your friends you would be interested in any single roommates, brothers-in-law, out of town cousins, lonely bosses, whatever.

It's either that or go into your 30s, 40s, 50s "waiting".

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Jade1107 Posts : 205 Registered: 9/1/07
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 7, 2009 9:00 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Hi!

Do you think it's possible that he's still looking for rings or just waiting for the right time? Have you expressed exactly how you feel (ie. you'd like to be married sooner than later) rather than just discussing marriage in general? If so, then I would go with Aunt's suggestions and set a personal time limit. If not, it might be wise to ask him specifically how he feels about marriage, his five year plan, etc. I'm not suggesting giving him an ultimatum, I just feel that it's important to communicate EXACTLY how you feel.

Don't get me wrong, this is easier said than done. But, it's certainly worth a shot!

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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 8:48 AM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

I read your profile, and it looks like you are 18 years old. If I'm guessing, your boyfriend hasn't proposed to this point because you have been underage. You say you're unsure if he will propose in the next 2 years... I know you say you have talked with him about getting married, but have you discussed a timeframe? It's fun to talk about marriage in a more abstract concept when you're young and its not a real option at the moment, but its not always a good idea to run out and do. If you're on your way to becoming a doctor, you have quite a bit of schooling ahead of you. He might be planning to wait until you are done (or closer to done) with school, and that would probably be a good thing.
Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome
depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and
a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 9:13 AM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

Um woah. Yeah. You are EIGHTEEN. There is no reason in the world that you should be rushing to get to the altar like this. I talked to my boyfriend about maybe someday getting married when we were 17. Guess how long after that we ACTUALLY got engaged? 7 years. If you had asked me when I was 17 if I could wait that long, I probably would have said no, but now that I'm here, the wait hasn't seemed that long at all. And now we have the added bonus of both being done with law school and settled into a stable career, which is a much easier place to jump into a marriage from.

If you're planning to go to med school and he's in the navy, what is your rush? Either of those things is hard enough without learning how to live as newlyweds on top of everything else!

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:18 AM Go to message in response to: MrsM2009

I'd like to hear a response from a young lady who's in her teens and is smart enough to WAIT until she's MATURE, knows who she is and has experienced LIFE!



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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I agree with Linda Jo. Its one thing to be young and getting married and its another thing to think that its something you HAVE to do by a certain age. Being 18 you shouldn't rush. i know you want to marry him and even if the two of you have talked about it it may not be something he has his eyes set on for the near future. Maybe he wants to wait until you both are a little older and more financially stable.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Ladies,

She's only 18??!!??

Dang, I missed that.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

When the time is right it will happen. I was with my boyfriend for FIVE years before he proposed!! We are both in our late 20's and I am glad we waited. When I was 18 yrs old I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. I wanted, or thought I wanted to marry him. Luckily I didn't because we ended up breaking up. I wanted a ring and everything, but nope. It didn't happen and I am glad it didn't happen because I took the time to find my prince charming :)
                              


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MrsSmith62610 Posts : 17 Registered: 12/8/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 9, 2009 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

I will agree with everyone else about you being too young to get married right now, but I do not know you and your relationship so that is your decision on what to do. If we all think about it, people back in the day got married at a young age and stayed together for ever!!!

As for you being impatient with your man, take it from someone who has been with their man for 7 years just wait it out. At one point I tried to rush my man into getting married until one day I realized that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, married or not! I would rather continue to have him than lose him because I rushed him into something he wasn't ready for or get married and then quickly divorce because he realized he made a mistake. There are some things that are worth waiting for and if you truly love him and can't live with out him, then just be patient.
In the long run it is your decision and not one else's, so just follow your heart and do what is truly right for you. Good luck!


FutureMrsSmith10

 

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 10, 2009 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

I'm also wondering why you're in such a rush to get married. Eighteen is very young to be thinking about marriage, and two years isn't THAT long to be together. It's not unreasonable that he hasn't proposed, given your ages and the length of your relationship. I wouldn't worry about your future just yet.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. What are YOUR goals? What do you want to achieve in your life, and how do you plan to get there? Apart from your relationship with your boyfriend, how do you define yourself? It's fine if you don't have the answers yet - the next few years are the time when most people start definining themselves and working towards long-term goals. Still, I'd recommend thinking about it now and starting on some sort of path of YOUR OWN. Don't define yourself by your boyfriend or your relationship. Even if you were married now, I would tell you not to let someone else define who you are. You need to focus on YOURSELF and YOUR future right now, and on the bright side, working towards another goal will distract you from worrying over when you'll get married.

My husband and I didn't get engaged until we'd been together for seven years - we'd been together eight years by our wedding day. I certainly didn't spend 7 years moping around because he hadn't proposed. In fact, I didn't WANT to get married until I had achieved some of my individual goals, which was part of the reason we waited. I needed that time to work towards my goals, and I'm a stronger person for it. So my advice is to focus on becoming the woman you want to be. Don't even think about marriage or stress about how long you've been together. When the time is right, it will happen. Until then, focus on accomplishing something else.

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ChrisBride Posts : 33 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 4:44 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Ok so I came across this thread and thought that you were someone older but I'm actually really happy that your 18 because your my age. I do have some advice for you and it will sound a little odd I'm sorry. Honestly, the same situation is going on with a friend of mine and both of them are in the navy currently. The girlfriend started pushing for a proposal and her boyfriend started feeling VERY stressed out about settling down. I can understand wanting to get married and soon, heck I'm on here because I'm planning the same thing, the only difference is we ARE young and if the one your with isn''t "the one" then there are still a mess of great men out there who will want to make that commitment in the future. Basically what I'm trying to say is if it doesn't feel like he wants to move forward then you should move on because men our age aren't looking to get married they're looking for something else.

I do have a response to the other ladies replies on here however. I was very hurt when I read some of your comments. Just because your 18 years old doesn't mean that you don't have life experience and that your not ready for such a big commitment. You can be 18 and mature and you can start preparing for a life that your going to begin when your 20 or 21. I feel like some of the people on here were very judgemental towards the situation and sometimes you should try having an open mind. I don't mean to offend anyone it's just hard to deal with the current situation and know that you can't even come to a place like this and have people accept you.
Love is all you need...

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: I need help.
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisBride

ChrisBride: I'm also young, I'm 20 will be 21 when I get married. Just going by my age and not knowing me, some people might say I'm too young to get married. However, once they get to know me and see that I have a life plan and am a mature young adult, they no longer have the same concerns. I graduate from college in May, I have a good paying job that is providing me with a lot of experience in my career choice, and will have an even better job after I gradate.

I think if the OP had presented herself more maturely, people would have reacted differently. She says she has talked to her boyfriend about marriage and kids, however she doesn't know if he will propose in the next two years. Clearly, they haven't talked enough about this topic as mature young adults.

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StaceyFacey Posts : 3 Registered: 8/5/09
Re: I need help.
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: beautifulbridet...

First off, age: People should be careful when talking about it. In some cultures, girls are raised to be ready for marriage by the age of 16. In other cultures, women arent ready to be married until 35. I think it's a matter of maturity as some people have already posted. Ladies, don't judge others based on whether or not YOU are ready. My older sister got engaged at 18, married by 19. I'm past her age now and I know for a fact I'm not ready to get married. It's not about age. Age is never the deciding factor.

However, age IS to be concidered. I'm assuming alexandria has considered that maybe she's not yet ready for marriage, but if she's posting things like this, I think it's safe to say she's given this more thought than we giver her credit for.

My advice to alexandria, is to wait. If he's serious about you, if you're serious about him, then let him do it at his own timing.

If you think he's not worth waiting for though, then i dont see why you're still together.

You know your man better than anyone else, so you are the only one who can decide if marriage is still a bit premature or whether he just needs a gentle push.

Hope that helps.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: I need help.
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: StaceyFacey

Stacey, first of all, I doubt your adivce is helpful since this post is over EIGHT months old. You might want to look at the old dates on a thread before replying to it. Its not current, problem most likely solved by now.

Secondly, just because a culture does something, does NOT make it right. A lot of cultures practicve truly disgusting things, such as removing a young girls clitoris or forcing her into sex at young ages. So your statement that we should "be careful" when talking about age is ridiculous. You cannot possibly be defending any culture that promotes marriage at age 16 and younger. Anf if you are, well then, thats really sad. Because age IS a factor when you are only 16. A HUGE factor. YOU ARE A MINOR. Minors should not get married.

youve got a right to your opinion, but no need to come on here out of nowhere telling us all how to reply to posts and what to say and not to say. We have been doing this for quite some time now, I think we can handle it . Nothing said here was rude in any way. Peopel were teling her how they felt about her young age of 18. Big deal. Its a public forum, you get lots of opinions.

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