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Is he going to propose to me?, please advise

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msbunnie06 Posts : 2 Registered: 12/30/08
Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 3:48 PM

Hello, Im new here. My boyfriend and I are very close. we have been together for a little less than a year and are living together. He is the love of my life. recently, my boyfriend has been bringing up getting married more and more, and even within the last week he has brought it up probably like 4 times. i dont know if that really means anything, but he keeps talking about our future, and how he wants to get married soon and buy a house. he is even trying to refinance his car, and get lower car insurance and so on. the only thing that really throws me off, as really all signs point to the fact that he may propose to me, is that he bought me a ring for christmas, but it was not an engagement ring. it is a nice ring dont get me wrong, but i cant see him buying two peices of jewelry in a couple months. i just need another perspective and will be happy with any advice I can get. Thanks alot everyone!!!

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

Hey... if you love him and if he proposed tomorrow would you say yes?

Maybe the ring at Christmas was to throw you off. Heck my now DH tried to drive me up a wall on purpose for three months to "throw me off" and completely suprised me when he did propose (about a month after me finally giving up on bugging him to think about marriage).

I would sit him down and say well.... I have noticed you mentioning getting married these last few weeks/months whatever, and being a serious thing and all - I want you to know that .... (start discussion here to the tune of "I have thought about it too and " so on).

Getting a house/ becoming engaged are wonderful, but from my own experience.... the two years in which we bought a home and planned a wedding were also the most financially and emotionally draining time (& test of) our relationship (we had dated for 2 1/2 years by then) .... You can still have a surprise engagement, but take one step at a time. Good luck!

Jaime Kiss

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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TigerBride515 Posts : 482 Registered: 10/15/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 5:34 PM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

The only thing I can tell you is that on my birthday my FH bought me a saphire ring and 4 days later he gave me a diamond one for the other hand. So from my engagement experience I can only conclude that receiving a ring for a gift is not an indication that you shouldn't expect a proposal.


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maryland , may_2009
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

From my experience the more he talks about marriage the closer he is to proposing. Maybe this ring that he gave you is just a warm up :-p Maybe it's a promise ring leading to the big thing. I would guess that within the year he will propose :)
                              


connecticut , october_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 9:55 PM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

Dear Bunnie,

The more important thing is what do you say when he mentions plans for the future?

Forget about him, for a moment. What do YOU want for YOUR future? Take a few minutes to imagine that. Now, how do those images match up with the picture he's painting to you?

Are you both, independently, seeing the same kind of life down the road a few years?

If this is the case, then it's time for you to let him know that your life goals sound pretty similar to his. ("So, you've always dreamed of owning your own small business. I have, too, but I've been too scared to go it alone. I'd be much more comfortable in a small business with a trusted partner.")

Then, make a little deadline for yourself. Within the privacy of your own mind, decide on a cut-off date. Let's call it New Year 2010. That gives him a year to seal the deal. Don't talk to him in terms of ultimatums, but instead focus on the fact that you have a life to live and you have goals to reach. It would be great if this guy is part of that life, but if he avoids a proposal for another year, then another, then another, then another, eventually you'll have to cut your losses and move on.

I know women who, literally, wait 10 or 15 years for their guy to get off his duff. In the meantime they approach 30 or 40 hooked up with a guy in perpetual adolescence. If that is what you want, great. But the fact that you want a proposal and eventual marriage indicates to me that you don't want to wait forever.

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

I agree with just take your time. If it's ment to be it'll happen! The ring wont change a thing when it comes to your love and relationship. It is a BIG sign of comitment which is WONDERFUL to have! But don't stress! You guys havn't yet been together for a year, maybe he's waiting for the 1 year mark? As long as you guys have a strong relationship I wouldn't worry one bit! He can talk about marrige and thats a BIG sign right there!
Just live each day and enjoy every moment. I'm sure it'll happen when the time is right. (It sounds as if he's the type to want the perfect moment too so don't rush it! I did because I picked out the ring and was there when he bought it and I didn't want to wait! lol He was increadibly cute when he asked me but it's not one of those great romantic scenes ya know?)

august_2009 , west_virginia
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msbunnie06 Posts : 2 Registered: 12/30/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Ok, i mean, I'm really not looking to rush things. I am basically just curious as to whether any of the other people on this board had experienced the same thing when they got engaged with their significant other. It could happen tomorrow or a couple years down the line for all i care, I guess my point is, he is acting out of character. I am completely relaxed about the situation, and we have a very strong and understandable relationship and I couldnt ask for anymore really, and that is what matters, not a ring with a giant diamond. Im just curious as to whether others noticed similar things.

august_2009 , west_virginia
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

Dear Bunnie,

No, that did not happen to me.

When I got engaged, in 1976, the "Proposal" was not at all in style. We just talked more and more about marriage related things, then started discussing a time frame. It did not happen all at once. We just sort of morphed, gradually, from a girlfriend/boyfriend situation to engaged, then married.

I'm sort of concerned about the expectation, today, that the guy come up with some big hoo-haw Proposal. That puts a lot of pressure on him. He has to do something more outlandish than the next guy. He has to catch his girlfriend totally by surprise. He has to buy a ring on his own, with no input from the person who will be wearing it. This might be a tall order for a guy who isn't a big hoo-haw type of person. It might be downright frightening if the guy has any fear that he might be mortified by being turned down in public, in front of everyone.

It just seems sort of artificial to me. The girl is supposed to wait patiently, with "no idea" (ha ha) that the guy might want to marry her, then instantly say "Yes" in front of a large crowd when she's caught unawares. The guy is supposed to keep secrets from the girl he loves.

That might be just great for some, but that is the polar opposite of what I went through when I got engaged.

As I said before, focus on what you want for your own life. If he wants to marry you, he'll ask. If not, he won't. Decide at what point you will move on should he not ask within a reasonable (as defined by you) time.

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 7:00 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt, I absolutely agree with everything that you've just said! I'm always shocked when a bride says that she was surprised or "shocked" by a proposal. I always wonder, don't the two of you talk?

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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SoonToBeHawkins Posts : 4 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 2, 2009 12:10 AM Go to message in response to: msbunnie06

I am in the exact same boat as you are girl. My boyfriend and i have been together almost a year and are constantly talking about wedding plans, looking at rings and know that we are both what the other wants for the rest of our lives. For christmas he got me a beautiful champagne diamond ring and black diamond earrings. I love that ring but all my friends at work and my family all assume it is a "promise ring". Really it is just a ring but the fact that he went to that much trouble and thought show a lot to me. I dont know about you but my man loves driving me crazy with surprises...so wait until you least expect it and enjoy the excitment of waiting on THAT ring and be sure to keep us posted on what happens.

september_2010 , arkansas
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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 2, 2009 8:16 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm totally with you AOTB. I've always thought the tradition of a "surprise" proposal was pointless, and then I read an article on mentalfloss.com that confirmed my feelings.

"Prior to the 20th century, engagement rings were strictly luxury items, and they rarely contained diamonds. But in 1939, the De Beers diamond company changed all of that when it hired ad agency N.W. Ayer & Son. The industry had taken a nosedive in the 1870s, after massive diamond deposits were discovered in South Africa. But the ad agency came to the rescue by introducing the diamond engagement ring and quietly spreading the trend through fashion magazines. The rings didn't become de rigueur for marriage proposals until 1948, when the company launched the crafty "A Diamond is Forever" campaign. By sentimentalizing the gems, De Beers ensured that people wouldn't resell them, allowing the company to retain control of the market. In 1999, De Beers chairman Nicky Oppenheimer confessed, "Diamonds are intrinsically worthless, except for the deep psychological need they fill."In addition to diamond engagement rings, De Beers also promoted surprise proposals. The company learned that when women were involved in the selection process, they picked cheaper rings. By encouraging surprise proposals, De Beers shifted the purchasing power to men, the less-cautious spenders."

The whole "tradition" is basely on money, and that seems so wrong to me. I agree that a man and woman should enter into this decision together. Ironically the surprise and hoopla is important to my boyfriend. I don't feel like marriage is something that should be entered into on a scoreboard at a ball game, but that's just me. It's his thing, so I wait..... =)
Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome
depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and
a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
- Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

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LinzZ Posts : 684 Registered: 12/13/07
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 3, 2009 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: FutureLeoBride

On the outside, it may look like DH and I were the traditional, surprise proposal, buy a diamond because it's what everyone does, wait till he asks you kind of couple, but that's not the case.

While the moment my DH proposed was a surprise, that fact that he asked was not. We had already discussed getting married, our goals, a timeline, etc. The proposal was just for fun (and I did have a timeline for that as well).

While I do have diamond rings, it's not because they are "traditional," it is because I don't think I could pick a single color I'd want to wear with every outfit for the rest of my life (and I don't like jewelry with multiple colors). I like the colorless-ness (is that a word???) of diamonds. I have been looking at buying myself a ring for my right hand (some sort of gemstone) but haven't yet because I can't decide on a color. I keep going to the most pale aquamarine, but then what is the point of having color?

As I said earlier, I had a "deadline" for the proposal. We both knew we wanted to get married, knew approximately WHEN we wanted to get married, so I decided he had until August of 06 to propose. But unlike Aunt's suggestion, I told him this. Why risk thinking August to myself then break it off when it didn't happen and all the while he was thinking September. I was open with DH. I wanted to start the planning in August. He agreed with this timeline. He proposed in May.

Having said all that, I didn't really have to look for clues. I knew he was going to propose, it was just the moment that was a surprise. I did have an idea when that moment was coming because he made plans to go out to dinner about a week ahead of time (something we NEVER do) he told me to dress up, wanted to take a detour to watch the sunset on the beach (but it was way too early to go wait for the sunset). All this strange behavior told me when he was going to do it. But if you read into every moment like that, you'll drive yourself nuts! Just relax and talk to him about it.


 

Always kiss me goodnight

waiting
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 3, 2009 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with AOTB as well, and I'm of the younger generation. Surprise proposals just don't make any sense to me, either, though he did get down on one knee with a ring and ask me to marry him.

In our case, we had been dating for seven years before we got engaged. We hit the 'we know we're going to marry one another' point after about 3 years, but I was clear with him that I didn't want to get married until I was done with grad school. Before finishing my MA, I decided to continue into a PhD program. DH and I talked again and decided that we should wait to get married until I was finished with my coursework and had finished the first draft of my dissertation, so I wouldn't be distracted. As I got closer and closer to finishing the first draft, I knew that he had bought a ring, which was no surprise. The proposal itself, however, came as a surprise. I expected him to wait until I had handed in the first draft, and I figured he'd get carried away coming up with a 'big proposal', as he considers himself to be a very romantic guy...and it turns out that he had something planned, but decided to propose spontaneously instead. I was working on the conclusion to my dissertation (it still needed a lot of revising before I turned it in, but it was exciting to be working on the conclusion!), and I was super-excited that I had found a great way to articulate my thoughts, so I was sitting at my computer cheering for myself. He said, 'Honey, take a break for a minute and close your eyes.' Totally no suspecting a proposal, I closed my eyes (I remember distinctly that I was leaning back in my chair with my feet up on the computer desk!), and I didn't have any idea what was happening until I realized he was at knee-level in front of me. I have no idea what he said - in fact, I don't even remember the words 'Will you marry me?' coming out of his mouth - that's how shocked I was that it was happening at that moment. Of course, it wasn't a surprise that he was proposing, but he knocked my socks off by not making a big deal over it. It was perfect.

As for the ring, I did not pick out my exact ring, though we'd talked about it several times over the course of our relationship. He knew I wanted a solitaire and that I prefer round and princess-cut diamonds. He knew that I wanted a diamond, but that I'd love a sapphire in a unique style if a diamond was too expensive. He'd known for years that I hate yellow gold. He knew that I strongly preferred a better quality, smaller stone to a larger one. And he also knew that I'd be uncomfortable wearing a stone that was larger than a certain size or more expensive than a certain dollar amount.

As for the significance of receiving one ring for Xmas, I think you're overanalyzing. Relax.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 3, 2009 7:46 PM Go to message in response to: LinzZ

Dear Linz,

"As I said earlier, I had a "deadline" for the proposal. We both knew we wanted to get married, knew approximately WHEN we wanted to get married, so I decided he had until August of 06 to propose. But unlike Aunt's suggestion, I told him this. "

I'm very happy it worked out. It sounds like you and FH had great communication and were more or less on the same page.

Fantastic. Wonderful.

My suggestion of keeping a deadline a secret is directed towards a woman whose boyfriend is dragging it out, perhaps indefinitely. I find this very discouraging. If the woman so much as breathes the word "marriage", Man-Child will tell her "Ok, you've just put off your proposal another year.". All the power in the relationship is in Man-Child's hands.

If in this particular relationship the man truly wants the proposal to be a complete surprise, and if the woman truly wants to get married, and if any mention of a deadline will be perceived as a deal-killing ultimatum, then the woman needs to make a decision, in advance, of how long she will permit herself to be strung along.

I know women in their late 20s, 30s and 40s who have been strung along for years, or decades. The granddaughter of one of my friends is now 32, and has been "patiently" waiting for her boyfriend, a married man, to get divorced and marry her. They have a five-year old child together. There's no sign, whatsoever, of him making any move to getting a divorce.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Is he going to propose to me?, please advise
Posted: Jan 3, 2009 8:35 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I've had the same experience as a lot of the PPs. My then-boyfriend and I had talked about marriage, had talked about everything you need to talk about before you get married (want kids? attitudes toward money? religion? etc.), knew we wanted to get engaged. Then he took me ring shopping. So we did all the groundwork and I knew I would be getting a ring.

The moment of the proposal, when it happened, was a complete surprise. I thought he was going to do it on our relationship anniversary because of something he said, but he decided unbeknownst to me that that would be too obvious. Instead, one day after work when we were driving home together (we work in the same office), he pulled over to the side of the road next to the beach. He had just picked up his car from having repairs done, so I thought maybe something was wrong with the car. Instead, he walked me down to the beach, and by then I knew what was coming. He said some nice things I can't remember now, got down on one knee, popped the question, and here we are!

So anyway, I agree with the PPs that you should talk to him. It's a good sign that you're seeing signs, but there might still be pre-marriage conversations you need to have with each other and it would be good to know whether you're each on the same page.

march_2008 , southern_california
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