I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything

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rosemary24 Posts : 1 Registered: 12/20/08
I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 2:20 AM

So this might be long and I'm hoping I don't sound like a lunatic, but any advice would be so helpful at this point.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years now and began ring shopping and talking about marriage about three months into our relationship. About a year ago I was putting away laundry and lo and behold a ring box was just sitting on top of some socks. At first I was so excited (and a little shocked that he had left it out like that) and resolved to never open the drawer again until he proposed. I happily held my tongue and waited all through January, February and March, but nothing happened. I should also mention that in March he was applying to jobs that had a good chance of making him move across the state. The stress of his impending move, my first year of law school, and everything else was too much for me and I started to talk about marriage or drop hints.

Eventually, I told him that I had found the ring and that's what had prompted me to start talking about it. He was upset that I had found it and took it back, saying that he needed to get a different one now since I had given up any willpower and peeked. At first, I was devastated that that would be my memory of my engagement ring and we had a lot of fights over the issue. We don't fight about any other issue, but we have very different personalities and it really comes out when we talk about this.

Since that time we have had many heart to heart conversations about our future and even though he reassures me that he does eventually want to marry me, these talks just make me feel more frustrated. He says he's not ready but it seems like he was ready enough to buy an engagement ring! Over the summer we tried to establish a timeline, but everytime it came close I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut, make a comment, and then he would refuse to do it. I know that most people will say stop talking about it but so far it has proven easier said then done. I feel like I have wedding related turrets! He is a fantastic guy in so many ways, and I love him deeply, but feeling like he has doubts about me is slowly killing our relationship.

I also realize I should try to relax and focus on what we have now, but after a year of this, I'm not sure how much more I can emotionally take. I realize this makes me sound like a terrible, whiney person. I never wanted to be the girl who's pressuring her guy to make a move, but I feel an overwhelming need to be able to plan my life and career and knowing whether I will soon be getting married is a crucial piece of the puzzle. He assures me that he wants to get married but he's just not ready. This, however, is after he bought a ring, returned the ring, and then bought another ring. I am at the end of my rope and am contemplating what I should do. I feel so disappointed that something that should have been so happy has instead been so heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry this was so long and I realize it probably doesn't make any coherent sense. Thanks for letting me rant and please let me know of any similar circumstances and how you handled it.

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amberstar Posts : 38 Registered: 6/17/06
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 9:43 AM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

I totally understand where you are coming from- Valentines Day 2007 I asked my boyfriend of 8 years to marry me because i was tired of waiting- well he said yes, but wanted to do it offically with a ring- almost two years later and still no ring- i dont understand him and it seems to cause a fight everytime we talk about it- ive gotten to the point where it will happen when it happens and he knows no matter how much i love him i will not wait forever- i would take your own advice- focus on yourself and what you to have together- trust me i know its easier said, but just hang in there- it will happen- good luck to you
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!!!Smile

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jloveland Posts : 33 Registered: 12/18/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

In 2006 my man asked me to marry him but it was on paper and he said he wanted to do it in person....almost 2009 and still nothing.

 

Proposing to my man on 2/24/09 & Marrying on 1/14/12

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: jloveland

Ladies, if he is not asking he is not ready. You have to decide what you want to do next. Are you going to wait around indefinately for him to "Pop the question"? Are you going to give him an expiration date and then stick with it? The choice is yours.

Just know if you give him a deadline and he misses it you have to be firm in your resolve. You can't say I want the ring by this date and if you haven't come up with one I am done and then the date comes and you give him an extension.

As I said the ball is in your court, how are you going to play the game?

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

  wedding ticker

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Saeria Posts : 14 Registered: 12/13/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

At the beginning of my relationship with my fh which was about 3 yrs ago, I knew I wanted to marry him. My girlfriends and I would chat about it, then he and I started talking about it, but he kept saying he wanted to wait until we both finished school, and got financially situated before he proposed. So, I waited, and he ended up surprising me, by proposing a lot earlier than we intended. I say just be patient, he wants it to be perfect, and he wants to surprise you and make you feel special. So don't worry, don't frustrate, it'll happen.
My princess, My angel, My mate, My Love: No matter what name I give you you will forever be mine

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 2:22 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Kennys, you are SO RIGHT!!! Ladies, this is not the 19th century and you are not passive wallflowers. It takes TWO PEOPLE to make a marriage, not one to ask and one to sit around and wait, forever if necessary. You need to decide, in your own mind, how long you wish to wait to resolve this issue about your future. You do not need to give explicit ultimatums or nag constantly, but there is nothing wrong with saying that you need to know what his intentions are and where this relationship is going. If he's"not ready" and you are, then you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to be "ready," and what you'll do if he's never ready. To the OP, as far as finding the ring goes, sorry, but this sounds like a mutual exercise in immaturity. You couldn't just let it go and keep quiet, and he's playing the, "You spoiled my surprise, and now I'm going to punish you" game. Is this a man you wish to spend the rest of you life with?

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 20, 2008 6:09 PM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

I don't understand why he would buy a ring and then keep it for months without being ready for marriage? Why buy the ring in the 1st plac? I think he is waiting to see for sure if you are the one and he wants to wait for the right moment. It's not like he doesn't want to marry u, he just sounds confused. I would sit him down and give him a timeline cuz u need to move on with your life too.

 


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 21, 2008 12:12 AM Go to message in response to: myra

I'm with Myra. My thoughts while reading your post was "man, what a control freak!" You mention it, so he decides to start the clock again. You know, when I was young and my parents gave me a 'time out'.... every time I spoke, my clock started over. But that was because I was being punished for something.

So why is he being so controlling? I'm sorry....it sounds like a conversation is in order regarding where BOTH of you envision this relationship going in the future, and you do need to set a personal time line. Otherwise, you might be dangling forever. He wants to marry you, so he says--but he also is resetting the time frame (and you don't know what the time frame is anyway, right) over again whenever you mention it. Sorry -- it's not just HIS future, it's yours too.

My FH had a specific date in mind, and my question to him was "you have the plans and you know when and where, right." He said he did, and I dropped it. But he didn't say "Well, I DID but since you brought it up, I'm going to have to rethink it, ya big nag!" (I know, not your bf's words, but it is his deed)

Misty

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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

It sort of sounds to me like he had a plan and then you finding the ring derailed that plan. If you think he has another ring, he obviously wants to propose, he's just waiting for the right time. I think a lot of ladies focus on getting engaged, and forget that the proposal I probably one of the biggest moments in your guy's life. You do need to decide where you want to be and what works for you, but this doesn't sound like a guy who NEVER wants to get married, just a guy who's trying to come up with a new plan.


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SummerLove07 Posts : 5 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

It kind of seems that he was content, at the given moment about asking you to marry him until you found the righ, then it became a reality and he got panicky. Some guys get really picky about how they want to propose and when the smallest detail goes up in smoke, the whole thing does. Even though if he knew he would be that upset about you finiding it, it shouldnt have bene that visible...

But... all I can really say is..

Good luck!

Waiting on my perfect day...

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Guest
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Jan 1, 2009 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

GIrl! Ive been there!
Was with my guy almost 5 YEARS before he finally popped the question. The past 2 years have been non-stop..."when are you guys getting married?" by family and friends. His excuse was, he didnt have the money for a ring. understandable because we just bought our first house this year. I have been begging for almost 3 years and out of no where Christmas Day he proposed. My guy did the SAME thing yours is doing. RELAX he is trying to get you to think that it isnt going to happen yet, so he can SUPRISE you. I had NO IDEA he was going to propose because I was always told we didnt have the money yet. It will happen. relax. =)

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BeachBride76 Posts : 7 Registered: 1/5/09
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 8:46 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree!
I've neen with my now Fiance for over 3 years, and we just got engaged on Christmas morning.
We had sooooo many conversations about getting engaged, well, I should say arguments, and he was planning something the whole time! He even put a "deadline" on himself, and missed it. It finally got to the point where I just decided I wanted to be with him period. Ring or not, married or not. When I finally chilled out, is when we got engaged.
If you really love him, and really want to be with him, you have to just let it go, and let him do it in his own way. I know it's hard, but I think it's going to happen!!!!
Good Luck!

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FutureSaunders Posts : 95 Registered: 9/18/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

Well Well Well, ladies I have you all beat!! Me and my FH have been together for going on 12 years now (we were high school sweet hearts) and I got if from both sides of our families, "When are yall getting married!!!" I am now 27 and he is 30 and we have been living together since 2006 and what I had to realize is that I had to enjoy the moment that we were in. I didn't want to rush him and make him do something he was not ready for, eventually he would resent me for it. We talked about marriage all the time and he knew how much I wanted to marry him, but we were young, unstable, and still maturing. After a while I had to tell myself to just sit back and relax, when it happens it will happend and if it doesn't then it just wasn't meant to be!! Like you said, easier said than done, but once you get your mind right and start doing YOU, time flies and it all falls into place. My FH proposed in August 08 while we were on vacation and when I say it was the furthest thing from my mind and I would have never thought that was coming (I mean it). Ladies I say this with nothing but love, live life in the moments and stop pressuring men to marry you, it was a hard/painful lesson for me but when I did get it, the proposal was that much more special!! Live your life and once he sees how much you have it going on, he is not gonna want another man to get his hands on you, but never give men ultimatums it always turns around to bites you in the BUTT!!

Be Blessed!

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: FutureSaunders

I think Myra and FutureSaunders each have it right. Either you decide that you don't care if he proposes (and in turn you don't mind never being married to your man) or you decide when your waiting time line is over. If you consciously decide that you don't want to date your man forever, and he has said that he wants to get married to you, then why is okay for him to drag on the timeline 2, 3, 4 years? Was he lying when he said he definitely wanted to marry you? Or is it that he just doesn't want to do it right now? Why can't he talk about what it is going in to his decision? And the whole control freak thing with the OP sounds incredibly immature. Of COURSE you're talking about your future together! If he's not on the same page as you, or refuses to quit holding your future together hostage, then I say remove yourself from the whole gameplaying and stop being a victim in it all. Tell him you want to take a break from each other while he decides how important you are to him.


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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KP69186 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/9/08
Re: I accidentally found my ring and ruined everything
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 11:41 PM Go to message in response to: rosemary24

My fh told one of my best friends two years ago that he had a ring. I knew something was up, even though she never told me. After a year and a half of waiting for this ring, I told him that if he didn't ask me in time for us to get married when we had planned, I would leave. I got my ring on 12/6/08. Sometimes, patience isn't enough. You have to know if he's willing to go as far as you are. Lay it out and don't be afraid. If he misses out, then he never deserved it in the first place.

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