what to do?

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Starz1234 Posts : 2 Registered: 11/24/08
what to do?
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 3:55 PM

i know i am probably crazy and just really need some reassurance. help?

my bf and i have been together for 1.5 years. he has a house and a decent job. neither of us are rich, but we are both in good enough places to get married ( we are both college educated and have professional positions ) he is 6 years older than me, and i am 26.

we have a very committed caring relationship and i dont doubt his commitment to me. i spend about 5 out of 7 night of the week at his house but really dont want to live together until we are at least engaged, although it feels like we practically already do. he feels the same way.

recently, almost everyone we know has gotten engaged and/or married so it's constantly in our faces and undoubtedly comes up a lot. we def want to be with each other in the future, get married, etc etc. i am ready today ( yesterday, in fact! ) and he says he knows he wants to be with me but wants to wait until we are ready. i feel ready, but he is concerned abt money. i dont doubt his commitment or love for me, but i dont want to be waiting around for three more years! and it's not even the wedding i want, i want to just be with him, which is how i know it's right.

my younger sister ( by abt 1.5 yrs ) recently got engaged to her bf that she has been dating about 2.5 yrs ( a little longer than us ) this will no doubt make for a holiday season that my faimly feels like they have free reign to comment on our 'non engaged; status. this makes me dread the season.

my bf has asked me to stop bringing it up, has promised it will happen, and reassured me of his love for me. he has even gone as far to say " it should be a surprise." i know this doesnt mean a surprise anytime soon though. since he recently bought his home i know he has a lot of expenses and wonder how he could even afford a ring, although i know eventually he will.

i am control freak though and i want to know WHEN and i want everyone else to stop asking us about it. plus, we are both just getting older....and since we both want to be together forever, i want it to be NOW!

any advice to calm down and/or deal with family members who bother us abt this?

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 4:17 PM Go to message in response to: Starz1234

You just need to explain to family members and others that the two of you have talked about a future together and it will happen when BOTH of you are ready. I understand that you are ready and really don't want to wait, but it seems that your BF isn't ready right now for whatever reason. The two of you have discussed things and said how you felt about each other so all you can really do is leave it at that. My FH and I talked about it and we got engaged 4 months later. It gave him time to decide what way he wanted to propose to me and when he wanted to propose.

I know that you are anxious ... but the worst thing to do is push your bf to something he is not ready for yet. Like you said it may be b/c he just bought a house and he wants to surprise you, but give him the chance to and tell your family the same.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: what to do?
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 10:56 PM Go to message in response to: Starz1234

I have to disagree with the PP. I think you need to set a time limit on how long you're willing to wait and how many excuses you'll take. The "wait until we're ready" can turn into a long wait--or, turn out to be Never. I've know quite a few women for whom this has been so.

I'm not saying to give him an ultimatum. But, in your own mind, you need to be ready to bail at a certain point if he doesn't want to commit. Sure, maybe he wants to make popping the ring a surprise moment (though, for the life of me, I really do not understand this trend), but the general agreement to get married and a reasonable timeline should NOT be a surprise. You two should reach this decision together.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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HillyBride92008 Posts : 207 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: what to do?
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: myra

For the most part, I am going to have to agree with Myra on this one. Like she said, you need to figure out a time-line in your head. If he hasn't even started asking/ talking about marriage within a year, ask him if he'll ever be ready, or if he doesn't like the sound of marriage. BUT, I would not push it before then. Let him have some breathing room. And, talk with your mom, sister or somebody in your family you can trust to spread the word that you and your BF are not ready for marriage, but they'll know once your engaged and to PLEASE not ask you about it. Undoubtedly, someone will ignore this request, but if you have mom spread the word, to not ask about it, then she can field any questions beforehand, and you don't need to worry about being bombarded with questions! In fact, start helping with your sisters wedding. Are you her MOH? If so start helping her dive into planning, this will definately pass the time away AND you'll pick up a bunch of tips for once you are planning!

~ Living the married life

Hillary & Sean September 20, 2008 Laughing

 


 

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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: HillyBride92008

I wouldn't pressure it. You said you've only been dating for 1.5 years, and although you are feeling antsy, I don't feel it's time for an ultimatum yet.. He may just be waiting to get a little more settled in his new house. Don't ruin the moment for yourself by putting pressure on him and yourself (I almost ruined it for myself, and I'm glad I didn't).



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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Dec 3, 2008 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: Starz1234

Sometimes men just take longer to figure these things out, especially if they're younger. I knew before our one year dating anniversary that I was ready to marry my BF, but he needed the time. We've been going out for over 4 years now, but we're finally on the same page.

I understand how hard it is, when you're ready, and he's not. But, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him, why should it really matter to wait a little longer? You're with him either way.

I would either move in, or move out of his house though. If you don't want to live with him, then I wouldn't stay there 6 days a week. It probably confuses him and gives him the wrong idea.
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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goheels05 Posts : 7 Registered: 2/21/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Dec 3, 2008 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: SteffMay2009

I agree with Stefmay.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: what to do?
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: Starz1234

Hi Starz. I felt the way you did when I was dating DH. We had been dating for amost 2 yrs and I started to get antsy. THEN my sister got engaged (younger too!) and I was like WHAT IS GOING ON!?! But it turns out my now BIL is not a planner by any stretch of the imagination and my DH is to the nth degree. DH needs lots of time to make decisions and stuff and while I was getting a little crazy, I appreciate that about him. BIL just spur of the moment proposed to my sister without really taking anything else into consideration, which is fine for them

So moral of the story is, all couples are different and all timelines are different. Getting engaged is not going to change anything about your relationship. Its just going to give you a headache from all the wedding planning you will have to be doing!

Be happy for sis (while still being silently jealous or peeved) and it will come when you least expect it. I could write a book about younger sisters doing EVERYTHING before older ones....

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I felt the same way! My bf and I have been dating for 5 years and everytime I would mention marrige he would say we dont have enough money. It hurt to see everyone around me getting engaged and getting married. This Christmas however he will finally pop the question! Just talk about it with your bf and he will turn around :) Goodluck!

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: what to do?
Posted: Dec 14, 2008 6:47 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Be patient, he will ask soon

 

I bought our rings @

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