We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!

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EandLy Posts : 2 Registered: 11/24/08
We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 10:50 AM

My boyfriend or fiancee ( don't know what to call him) have been living together for 1 1/2 years, we have been talking about getting married for quite some time now, but now we agreed on getting married next year. We are not engaged, because he has not asked me to marry him but we set a date for Sept. 19 2009. Since I was so excited I wanted to start planning right away, I looked at dresses, venues, bridal party, etc etc. But it feels like everytime I mention the wedding to him, he gets really short with me, like he doesnt want to deal with it or talk about it. I dont know what to think, I told him I was going to leave it alone until he proposed. so I did. Yesterday we went ring shopping, I don't know why It made me nervous, and I have to say a little sick. I was feeling panicky. We didn't get anything but he didnt bring the subject up anymore either. Has anyone been in a situation like this with their husbands or fiancees? is it normal to feel a little sick?

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Nikki315 Posts : 1 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

I feel you. I am the same way. My boyfriend/fiance have been living together for about 2 years and we have a date for next June but we aren't engaged. I can't tell anyone and I feel like he gets tired of me talking about it. But goodness, I'm a girl. I've beed dreaming of this day since I was little. I don't know what the problem is. I have no idea how to get around it either. I'm just hoping that Santa is nice to me this year. I was a really good girl...ha ha ha! I get nervous feeling too. Almost like, I can't believe this is really happening. Like, he is actually taking notes and finding out what I like. Cause then my mind races trying to figure out his face and read his mind. And it is so hard. Good luck with everything. I know I wasn't much help. I just know how you feel.

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rshende Posts : 1 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

Oh My Goodness! I thought I was totally alone in this situation. We have been living together for about a year and we have been dating since May 2007. We have set a date for December 23, 2009; and I have not received my ring yet either. Not to mention, he has been playing with my emotions lately. He asked me over dinner at Red Lobster if I would marry him and that was not the real proposal, we went ring shopping like four times. The last one was about two and a half weeks ago and he said that would be the last time I would have to show him what I liked. Then, our families do this Christmas tradition where we get a new ornament each year that represented the year the best and so about a week ago after work he comes in and gives me a bag with an ornament that said Will you marry me with my name and 2008 on it..but no ring. I am going to assume the men in our life like us to antipate but they are working on our patients. In September I know he asked my father for permission to marry me. As long as he is taking the steps to get the ring and move forward, then you should not have to worry. I went to the Bridal expo in Chicago in October, because I am so excited and I have already chosen my bridal party.

I did however start marital classes with him and the pastor, and the pastor said it was okay for me to get moving on planning, because venues do become locked up and services might not be available. So if you have your heart set on something..go and check it out. I let him know when I was doing things, but I do not make it the center of conversation. Let your Future Fiance know that you definitely have to get the ball rolling on planning especially when yours is in September. They say give yourself at least 1.5 years to plan, and we will not get it. Go for it, have fun, and keep him posted.

Most of the time, the pastor said is that the guys want to feel like they are in the control of the situation, and when they start to loose that control for proposing they seem to shy away from it. Do not call him your fiance just yet, but definitely again...start planning. I wish both of you all the best of luck and Congrats to you two!

Winter Wedding Bride!

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Keeperkris Posts : 1 Registered: 7/15/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

I can also understand how you feel. My boyfriend/fiance and I have been dating for over a year and a half. We decided that we wanted to get married over a year ago and actually set the date for January 9th, 2009. However, he talked to me I think last October-ish and confessed that he just didn't have the money to get a ring yet. I told him that it was fine, I didn't want anything big, etc., but he also said he thought that we should postpone the wedding until we had enough money to pay for it since we were doing it ourselves. Oh. Of course, being a girl... I had already made invitations, (without the date thank goodness), tried on wedding dresses (but hadn't found the one), and other various plans. He still wants to continue to plan, but without a set date, an unofficial engagement, I've pretty much done everything I can without actually PLANNING the wedding. A year later, we don't really talk much about it anymore. I brought it up once, when a friend of mine got engaged and instead of being happy, I was jealous. This was about July and he said that he was sorry, but he still didn't have the money for a ring. I've since stopped trying ot do anything weddingish, because I just feel so uncomfortable. Almost like, I shouldn't be looking or planning since I'm not officially engaged. He's worried that I'm tired of waiting, which I'm not per se, but it's hard to explain. I guess what I'm saying is that I completely empathize with you.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 30, 2008 9:55 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy


I am in the same boat too! My boyfriend and I have been dating for FIVE years and we have been living together for 7months. I have been waiting to get engaged for the past 2 years! Finally it will happen this Chirstmas! We went ring shopping together and he ordered my ring. I am sooo excited! I don't feel sick yet..I hope I don't. I just feel excited!!! :-D

Edited by: CheetahAngel on Nov 30, 2008 9:56 PM

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Nov 30, 2008 11:53 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

My advice would be... TALK to your boyfriend! Not about rings and weddings, but about your relationship together. It sounds like you have some stuff to work out, for your own peace of mind and between the two of you. I'm not engaged yet either, and while I know that my boyfriend is the man I want to marry, I feel that we're just not ready at this point in time, but we're getting there. It's important to us that our relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust, communication, and love, which takes time. Personally, I'd rather figure out as much as I can while we're still in the less-permanent dating phase so that when we're ready to announce our engagement to friends and family, they can see us as being a truly strong, serious couple who's prepared (as much as possible anyway ;P) for not just the wedding but the actual marriage...

Just my two cents. Talk to him, and good luck!

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MyGroomIsATradi... Posts : 1 Registered: 12/1/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 1, 2008 7:42 PM Go to message in response to: Keeperkris

Keeperkris wrote:
I can also understand how you feel. My boyfriend/fiance and I have been dating for over a year and a half. We decided that we wanted to get married over a year ago and actually set the date for January 9th, 2009. However, he talked to me I think last October-ish and confessed that he just didn't have the money to get a ring yet. I told him that it was fine, I didn't want anything big, etc., but he also said he thought that we should postpone the wedding until we had enough money to pay for it since we were doing it ourselves. Oh. Of course, being a girl... I had already made invitations, (without the date thank goodness), tried on wedding dresses (but hadn't found the one), and other various plans. He still wants to continue to plan, but without a set date, an unofficial engagement, I've pretty much done everything I can without actually PLANNING the wedding. A year later, we don't really talk much about it anymore. I brought it up once, when a friend of mine got engaged and instead of being happy, I was jealous. This was about July and he said that he was sorry, but he still didn't have the money for a ring. I've since stopped trying ot do anything weddingish, because I just feel so uncomfortable. Almost like, I shouldn't be looking or planning since I'm not officially engaged. He's worried that I'm tired of waiting, which I'm not per se, but it's hard to explain. I guess what I'm saying is that I completely empathize with you.




I was in the same boat as you, but I'm a sneaky little minx, with a good income, so here's what I did:


I purchased the engagement ring of my dreams all on my own. It was just what I wanted, and I paid no more than I could afford to pay in full. I told him that a distant relative had heard through the grapevine that I had found "the one" and had graciously offered us the use of her "antique" ring. He was overjoyed. He was able to offer me a ring when he wanted to, I got exactly the ring I wanted and, most importantly, his pride was left intact.


Starting your lives together with a little white lie is not for everyone, but we all came out happy in the end, so consider it food for thought.


Good Luck
-Patrice

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 1:57 AM Go to message in response to: MyGroomIsATradi...

yes talk to him, you need to

 

I bought our rings @

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 2:09 AM Go to message in response to: EandLy

If the date is september 2009 , he has to do it sooner or later, just relax, it will probably happen this year, let us know when it happens

 

I bought our rings @

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 9:40 AM Go to message in response to: EandLy

September 19, 09 was my original choice for my wedding date but it ended up not working out for me, hopefully it will for you, is an excellent date!

In my opinion, if you already have a date set together and you are planning, your engaged. The ring doesn't make you engaged, it just makes the world know you are engaged. I don't know what to think of him being "short" when you discuss the wedding with him. This could be because of a lot of different things. Maybe he's just not interested in the details and perfers to just show up like A LOT of grooms do. But them maybe this is all freaking him out a little bit because of such a life changing decision. Or maybe like my FH, he is just sick of hearing about it non stop haha. Whatever it may be, create an open, calm, non accusing/pressuring atmosphere and try to get it out of him.


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: EandLy

I feel your pain, and obviously these guys have no clue that it takes TIME to put together one of these shindigs. They can't set a date (particulary 2009) and then let it sit in perpetuity.

Mine did that too--but he actually had a date he wanted to propose (and yours may too. Just because you don't leave with a ring WITH HIM does not mean that he has not already bought it, or made plans to go without you).

While the wedding is something that WE dream about, believe it or not, the proposal is theirs. They want to make it special, even though they already know your answer. Basically, they've bought their safety net. But again, we each have different things we focus on. We don't focus so much on how we want the proposal -- we just want something memorable. It's up to them to deliver that memory. They want it to be a surprise, but it's hard when you know its coming. Pressure is on for that.

Misty

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LexiAndClayton Posts : 26 Registered: 12/6/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 9:55 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

If you guys are really planning for sept of 2009 your going to need to get moving, its alot to plan, and the more time you have the less you have to stress about it. i would def talk to him, my fiance was completely the opposite he brought up us getting married more than i did, so im not really sure of how to handle that. if hes short with you, talk to him about it and tell him it bothers you, if you have a date he needs to talk to you about it, if moneys the issue let him know that its ok to wait awhile on your ring and all, but you need to get crackin on planning your big day.

Lexi and Clayton

***Unexpected what U did to my heart <3 ***

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MrsSmith62610 Posts : 17 Registered: 12/8/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 8, 2008 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: EandLy

I feel your pain in this area! My boyfriend and I have set a date for our future wedding, but I have not been formally proposed to as well. We have gone ring shopping, told his and my parents, and pick our wedding party. As you noticed with your boyfriend, my boyfriend had stopped talking about it which made me very nervous. It wasn't until this past weekend that I found out what the problem was and why he was being so short. I was talking to his mom about the wedding and she told me that he was very excited and that was all he talked about, which I could not tell by his actions. So I asked him about it, and he told me that he could never talk about it or get a word in because I was always talking about it. Which made since I never gave him a chance to bring up the subject or express what he was feeling. My best advice would be to ask him what he is feeling, give him a chance to talk to you about where he stands in the process. I think that alot of us don't realize that most men when they get overwhelmed they shut down, unlike women who are natural multi-taskers and vent-maniacs! Good luck and happy planning!

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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 9:04 AM Go to message in response to: MyGroomIsATradi...

MyGroomIsATraditionalBride:
THAT is awesome. I absolutely love your "little minx"" ploy!!!
Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome
depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and
a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
- Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: We're not "formaly" engaged but we set a date.... Newbie!
Posted: Dec 14, 2008 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: FutureLeoBride

I think most men just don't want to deal with weddings.. I am engaged.. at first the FH wanted to have a say so with the wedding and now he just keeps saying he doesn't care. He rather go to a wedding chapel and get it done with. So i'm going to stop asking and start telling him what i'm doing. He thinks i'm planning too early yet the date is Aug 29 2009. :shruggs:

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