Lost and Confused

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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 19, 2008 4:47 PM

Hello everyone! This is my first major post here, but I've been a lurker for quite some time. This post may be a little long, so please bear with me!


My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now. We first met in grade 10 when he moved to Winnipeg with his family. We became best friends and were able to talk to each other about everything. We had both fallen in love with each other, but were afraid to ruin the friendship, so we both kept it a secret for a few years. We dated other people, but were never really happy. We were having a discussion one day about an online blogging site that we both used, and talking about the private journal feature. I thought it was a stupid idea, because online is never quite as secure as writing something on paper and putting it in a safe place. He had told me that he used the feature once, but he wouldn't tell me what the content of it was. I was a little hurt, because I felt as though we had a friendship in which we could talk to each other about anything.

After about a week of pursuasion, he finally decided to show me what he had written in his journal. The feelings he had written down about me, were exactly what I was thinking about him. Not too long afterwords, we started going out.

I knew after less then a year of us being together, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I have been truly blessed! I am with my best friend! A man who I can talk to about pretty much everything, we have similar goals and ambitions, and our differeneces just don't matter to us.

We have lived together for well over a year now, and have a good order for things around the house, and divide all our responsabilities in an appropriate equal manner.

Marriage is something that we've both talked about for a long time. He knows I'm ready for it, but he tells me a different story everytime I ask him about it. In the beginning of February of this year, he proposed to me. The whole proposal was very strange and alkward. We had a big fight the night before about some very trivial things. The next morning, he beat around the bush for awhile before asking me to marry him. He didn't have a ring yet. since it wasn't a planned proposal. He told me that the fight the night before reminded him that he never wanted to lose me. When we told our families, they didn't react very well. My parents thought it was a rushed decision, and his parents have never really liked me because of my family history. Not only that, but he decided he wanted to go back to school. With so much caos going on, without even thinking about planning a wedding, we decided to call off the engagement.

Now, we don't really have much going on, and finances aren't really a huge issue, but he still tells me he's not ready yet. Should I keep waiting, or will I keep getting excuses for the rest of my life? He wants to move across teh country and take me with him in the spring, but I want to make sure I'm not wasting my life waiting.
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 19, 2008 5:38 PM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

arriage is something that we've both talked about for a long time. He knows I'm ready for it, but he tells me a different story everytime I ask him about it. In the beginning of February of this year, he proposed to me. The whole proposal was very strange and alkward. We had a big fight the night before about some very trivial things. The next morning, he beat around the bush for awhile before asking me to marry him. He didn't have a ring yet. since it wasn't a planned proposal. He told me that the fight the night before reminded him that he never wanted to lose me. When we told our families, they didn't react very well. My parents thought it was a rushed decision, and his parents have never really liked me because of my family history. Not only that, but he decided he wanted to go back to school. With so much caos going on, without even thinking about planning a wedding, we decided to call off the engagement.

Now, we don't really have much going on, and finances aren't really a huge issue, but he still tells me he's not ready yet. Should I keep waiting, or will I keep getting excuses for the rest of my life? He wants to move across teh country and take me with him in the spring, but I want to make sure I'm not wasting my life waiting.

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I think that you need to talk to your BF about how you are feeling with everything. To move across the country with someone is a big decision and you need to ask him what your future plans are. I know that he said that he is not ready to get engaged again, so you really don't want to push the issue with him about it too much. I am a little confused on to why you called off the engagement? I understand that there was a lot going on, but could you have pushed the wedding back until the both of you were ready to start planning?

I got engaged last December, but FH and I aren't getting married until 2011. We feel that we will def be financially ready and done with school at that time (him with law, me with graduate). I will be done 2 years before him but it gives me time to really save some decent cash for our wedding with a good job while he is still in law school. Other than that, FH and I are younger than most (we're both 22) and we don't see a problem in waiting or even planning.

You def don't want things to be rushed between you especially with the engagement. Like I said, if I were you I think that you should talk to him and see how he feels about things. Maybe he's not ready because the first time around everything got so caotic.

Good luck with everything I hope it works out for you.

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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 20, 2008 1:14 AM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

Thanks for your reply!

You're right, I don't want to push him into it. He felt as if I did that last time he asked, and I really don't want him to ask just because he's afraid of losing me. I want him to ask because he wants to spend his life with me.

At the time, I felt as though if you were engaged, then you should be actively planning you're wedding. Engagement to me was to be preparing for you're wedding because you were ready to have a wedding. During the last year, I've learned alot about marriage. I was the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding in June. It was probably the most caotic, ill prepared wedding I've been to or heard about in my entire life. The entire thing made me change my entire thinking. An engagement is about the marriage, and not so much about the wedding itself. And I'm not really concerend anymore about having a longer engagement. (We had originally planned to get married August of 2010)

His family also kept telling him that we were too young. We're also both 22 years old. But, at this point, I don't think age should really be that much of a factor because we've been together for over 4 years.

I've tried asking him why he's not ready, and he never really has a solid awnser. It's usually something to the tune of "I just don't feel ready, the time isn't right."

And while I don't really want to rush him, I don't want to move across the country with a man who may never commit.
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 23, 2008 11:19 PM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

"And while I don't really want to rush him, I don't want to move across the country with a man who may never commit."

You've got that exactly right. DO NOT pull up stakes and commit your life to someone who is not committed to you. The best thing that could happen right now is a "cooling off" period. Let him move across the country and go to school. See other people (so should he). When some time passes, he'll know whether he's ready to marry you (and you'll know, also). Twenty-two may feel mature--but,especially for a guy, it's not. He's saying he's not ready, because--he's not ready! NEVER agree to marry someone who isn't 100% sure that this is what he wants to do. One or both of you will wind up with regrets.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Claudia23 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/27/07
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

I agree with Myra.

Obviously, no one ever knows what is right or what is wrong. In the end everyone follows their heart.
The one thing that stands out to me is that you said you do not want to move across the country. If moving doesn't feel right then maybe it isn't time.

When I was 22 I thought I was in love with a guy. When he moved away, he asked me to go with him. It didn't feel right to me, so I didn't move. After he left, I felt so relieved! I felt that I could finally breathe again, no pressure, no chaos, nothing.

I am now 29 and I've met the guy of my dreams. I feel like I've been swept off my feet. I seriously thought that the being head over heels in love with someone was just something you see in movies but it is not! I feel like I am walking in the clouds! =]

"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you will be in the future."

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 2:33 PM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

Yes my suggestion is to wait a bit, maybe he is not ready or he aint a marriage type. It is really hard to find a good partner nowadays, the time is crazy, I found it luckily and I am really happy. I wish you all the best
I bought our rings @

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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Re: Lost and Confused
Posted: Dec 3, 2008 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: SanaChan

Well, I guess I was overreacting, like I usually do. Although, I when someone starts acting unusually nice to you, you start to get suspicious. My BF said that he didn't like seeing me so worried about nothing, and told me why he had changed so suddenly.

He works on the road for his job, so he has a lot of time to think to himself, and talk to a lot of older guys (usually 45-55) at work. One of the guys said to him, "you know, you've never had anything bad to say about your GF." And he thought about it, and thought about it, and realised that his coworker was right. He had let his parents get in the way of what he really felt, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We're not officialy engaged right now, because he said he wants the proposal to be as perfect as he can, but he wanted to tell me he was ready.

He felt so bad, like he had ruined the surprise, but I actually felt relieved. I feel like we're both finally on the same page, and I still don't know when or how he's going to ask.

Thanks to everyone for your opinions and advice. I did look over them all and think hard about it. I'm very excited that me and my bf are both ready for the next stage.
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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