grandparents at/in the wedding

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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 11:04 AM

Oh please can someone help me. I have been arguing with my mom for the last 6 months and i dont know who else to ask. ok, here is the situation. my fiance's grandparents are all deceased, but i have 2 living grandfathers. both of my grandmothers are deceased. i do not want to include my grandfathers in the actual ceremony because my finace does not have and living grandparents. also, i ahve not relly had much contact with my grandfathers in the last 15 years until recently. my mother wants my grandfathers included because they are "blood family" and i said no because i feel it is inconsiderate to my future in-laws to "showcase" my family over theirs. am i being unreasonable? please can someone help me answer this before my mother and i kill each other? Thank you so much in advanceCry
May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

Dear Mrs Tim,

What do you mean by "including" them in the ceremony?

The traditional procession goes something like this:

After all the guests are seated, the grandparents are seated, then the parents of the groom, then the mother of the bride. At that point, the procession begins, with bridesmaids, flower girls and finally the bride escorted by her father. (Note that the bridal escort is entirely flexible. The bride can be escorted by another male relative, her mother, another female relative, a friend, one or more of her children or walk entirely alone.)

The officiant may ask (this is entirely optional) "Who gives this woman..." and her father can say "I do", "We do", "Her mother and I do", whatever. That's the last "official" point where any parent or grandparent is involved.

I see nothing wrong, whatsoever, with involving grandparents in a ceremony even if other grandparents are deceased. By the time most of us reaches marriage age, chances are several of the eight grandparents (four for him, four for her) have passed on. I can't see particularly excluding any surviving grandparents just because all eight can't be there.

Maybe think of it as the two grandfathers you have living sort of representing the entire grandparent generation. Perhaps the officiant can mention the names of the absent grandparents and say something like they would be so proud to see this beautiful bride and handsome groom.

I'm in agreement with your mother, in other words.  (Sorry!)

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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:14 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

but my family is not more important than his. and i have not had a relationship with these 2 grandfathers in 15 years. i only recently started talking to them 3 months ago. also, they are married to women that i cannot stand. these women are my stepgrandmothers and i do not even refer to them as family. i still think its rude to include more of my family than his. i was not even going to have them walk down the aisle. i was going to have them sat with the other guests.  his father is not going to be there either because he passed away from a heart attack about a year and a half ago. so there is no way i am going to draw more attention to my family. i think my mom is totally wrong
May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

Message was edited by: ThefutureMrsTimGrantJr

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

Sorry to hear your mother is being unreasonable.  My father passed away 8 years ago and my mother is ill with alztimers.  So neither one fo my parents were there. Both his paretns are living and some what healthy so they were there.  I had photo's of my parents at my reception.  But when my wedding started teh frist thing the officant did was mention my parents and why they werent there.  I found out recently that his sister was upset that only my parents were verbally aknowledge in our wedding ceremony.  well...DUH! my parents couldn't be there but her parents could. 

If I were you I'd just tell your mom that you will have a boutinier for them but that's it.  That will signify that they are of some importance to the bride and groom.  Make it sound nicer than that to her so she doesn't have a fit.  Also, remember it your wedding!   


                              

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

My DH has no living grandparents.  I have a step-GM whom was unable to attend and a Mom-Mom who has been like a GrandMom to me.  I had her seated before the parents.

My DH had NO problem with this.  Also, we included a page on the back of the program for those "In Remembrance".  We listed my grandparents, including the grandparents whom passed away before we knew them.  And my Pop pop, again like a grandfather to me.

I guess my point is I'm more with Aunt and you Mom.  It is your wedding.  But can I ask who's paying for it?

I seriously doubt ANYONE will think you're showcasing your family more.  You'll have to decide if it's worth completely alienating your Mom over.  And if she's contributing a significant amount of money to the wedding, then I'm afraid she gets a right to voice her opinon.


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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

we are paying for the ceremony and the flowers and most of the little things. i even tried compromising with my mom and said that i wanted my fiance's uncle to walk down the aisle. she threw a fit because she does not like him and he is not our family. i have compromised everything with her. EVERYTHING. there are people at the wedding that i cannot even stand being in the same room with but they are there because my mom asked me to invite. them. i am just tired of this becoming her wedding and not mine.
May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

Dear Mrs Tim,

"i am just tired of this becoming her wedding and not mine."

If you are paying for the wedding, then you need to stand up to your mother. "Mom, I'm paying for it. We'll do it my way. End of conversation.".

If you don't want your grandfathers to be included, then that is your business.

As I said before, I don't see this as "showcasing" your family more than his. That's not an issue for me. As an invited guest, I typically expect to see whatever members of the family that are there to be honored. I would not find it a bit weird that surviving grandparents are honored, even just by walking down the aisle just ahead of the couple's parents.

But, this is a power struggle between you and your mother that goes beyond the grandparent issue. Take charge.

You are paying, it's your show. It's the Golden Rule. She that has the gold, makes the rule.

If Mom wants things to be different, tell her that next time she gets married (and pays for her own wedding), she can do it however she likes.

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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

i am relly tring to be understanding about this whole thing. i am probably making a bigger deal out of this than i should be. but i just really feel like i am being strong armed into having her wedding. my parents have been married for 29 years in february. they got married when she was 16. so i think you are right Aunt, i think she wants this to almost be the wedding she didnt have. i just want to stop fighting with her over every detail.
May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:46 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

 I also think that AOTB is right that this goes beyond the wedding.

It sucks that you are fighting over so much, but if you do not want them in the wedidng, then stand up to her and don't have them.

It does make it easier if you are paying for the ceremony.


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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

Neither of us are super close with our grandparents, so we are thinking of just having them seated in the front row for the ceremony. We will probably have them get introduced at the reception, but that's about it. It's not like we don't like them, we just want to get the show on the road, you know? We went to 4 weddings this year, and I don't think anyone introduced the grandparents OR had them walk down the aisle. Could be the they were deceased, I'm not sure. But it wasn't a big deal.


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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: SteffMay2009

that is what i was thinking of doing. like i said, i even tried to compromise and at elast get someone from tim's side of the family to be able to stand up as the "man" of the family. but my mom is having none of that. so are we going to turn this thread into bride therapy for me now Kiss J/k. you all have been very helpful. its definitely helps to have some other opinions


May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

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savex389 Posts : 506 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

my mom was very difficult with almost all the details of my wedding too, until i stopped talking to her about them. DH and I paid for it so i felt like i didn't have to talk to her about it when all it did was make me upset. she soon learned that if she wanted to be involved then she had to stop arguing over everything. maybe your mom needs a little dose of this medicine?

with the grandparents, we just gave them flowers and they sat next to our parents in the front row. we never mentioned them in the ceremony and the never walked down the aisle. DH and i both have 3 grandparents. 


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Megan0071234 Posts : 71 Registered: 8/24/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

I dont think it is an issue of showcasing your family over his, but if you are not close to your grandfathers, that that should be the reason you don't want them involved in the ceremony. We are having FH's grandmother seated last before our parents. She is the only living grandparent either of us have. So she is not really in the ceremony, just kind of a signal that it will start shortly. I think that you should do whatever makes you happy. But if it will ruin your moms day & you really don't care all that much, maybe you could just let it go? The most important detail is that no matter what, at the end of the day, you will be married. Absolutely NOTHING takes that away- no matter how much chaos goes on before the wedding. Just try to stay calm.

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ThefutureMrsTim... Posts : 9 Registered: 2/14/08
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 2:03 PM Go to message in response to: Megan0071234

i think she is making it a bigger issue than it needs to be. i think she is forgetting that this is OUR wedding and that my FH and i actually discussed this. it is going to be hard enough not having his dad there. i just feel that they way my mom is acting is really childish. i care only because it will hurt my FH and his family by reminding them that people they love are not going to be there. i am jsut trying to have less drama, but my mom seems to ALWAYS cause it. she has dont taht my whole life. and she calls be the Drama Queen! :-)
May 30, 2009- The Day that I will Marry My Best Friend

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: grandparents at/in the wedding
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: ThefutureMrsTim...

I don't really get the problem.  The only thing the grandparents do is sit near the family, right?  I'm not sure how this is "showcasing" them over your hubby's family...unless your mom wants them doing something else?

You say that you don't want to showcase your family over his, and that your family is not more important than his, etc.  I get that.  But if you had 5 siblings, and he had one, does that mean you would cut 4 of your siblings out of the wedding just so that it's even?

I guess I'm just confused.  Not try to be critical.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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