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The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make

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Moderator Posts : 211 Registered: 3/31/06
The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 10:48 AM

Do you plan to quit your job once you marry and/or have children? In Modern Bride's Oct/Nov issue, author Leslie Bennetts says engaged women should think carefully before giving up their careers, or even putting them on hold. Tell us what you think!

illinois_chicago , october_2007
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MrsMaldonado Posts : 2,852 Registered: 3/7/07
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 11:03 AM Go to message in response to: Moderator

LOL - I wish I could quit right after we get married, but we need the money....we want to buy a house in a few years. I'm going to school after our wedding to pursue my life long dream: photography!


Bryan & Emy
September 27, 2008 & October 4, 2008
http://www.mywedding.com/BryanAndMariaEmanuelasWedding
 

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: MrsMaldonado

OO Emy! That's so cool that you're getting to go back to school!  I'm lucky enough right now that I've already quit my full time job and gone back to school. I may be in school for the next 5 years. Eep! 

I guess I'm not sure what the OP is referring too.  Like if we quit our job, we'll get used to being home and not want to go back?  Or that we'll lose a part of ourselves if we quit working?  I'm not sure there is really a right answer for anyone.  You should look inside yourself and decide what's best for you both at that time.

But isn't that true of anything? 


http://www.chrisandsarah2008.net

 

wedding ticker

 


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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Hello!

I waited until I was 41 to get married, primarily because I didn't (and DON'T ever) want to give up my career!

I have been in the legal field since I was 17. It's a constant learning experience and I will never, ever give it up for anybody! It's my livelihood and it makes me happy!

I'm good at what I do, the pay is excellent, it's very rewarding and it's challenging. What more could anybody ask? 

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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MissMac Posts : 142 Registered: 5/13/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: Moderator

I plan to quit my job not too long after getting married.  But not to be a housewife but me and FH both have business and our plan is to get them both to the level where we are able to do more traveling and I am able to quit my day job which I just keep for financial security at the time. 
True Love is gift from God

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: Moderator

I get stir crazy bored without a job.  It's not for me.  If money weren't an option, he could be Mr. Mom and I would work.

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: Moderator

I think I don't like it being called a "mistake."

I just started my first job, so I'm certainly not planning on quitting once we get married. That being said, my mother stopped working when I was born and intended to go back after my sister was. After my sister was born with Spina Bifida, my mom ended up being a stay at home mom. Even if it wasn't ideal for her, it was amazing for me as a child to grow up with a mom who was always available. 

I do agree that people should think carefully both about whether to quit or continue working. There's no one right answer and it really depends on the person, the job, the financial situation and the kids. 

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Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: Moderator

After having my first child, I tried to be a stay-at-home-Mom, but it drove me nuts.  Not only did I feel isolated from adult conversation, but my self-esteem, which comes in large part from my professional work, plunged.  Finally, my relationship with my husband (now XH) became very negative - when I stopped contributing to our income, he ceased to see me as an equal partner in our relationship. 

Love2uKiss

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: Love2u

I've seen this issue raised before elsewhere, and the "mistake" that's being referred to is most likely that if you quit your job it not only hurts your future marketability but also makes you more financially insecure if your husband dies or you get a divorce down the road. Compounding that is the fact that women generally get paid less for equal work anyway.

That being said, I don't plan to quit my job just b/c I got married, but once I have a kid I would like to be home ideally at least until they start school. That's important to me.

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I think you're right about the "mistake" HappyGirl - women who take even some time off to be a stay at home mom or housewife hurt their future marketability by being out of their professions for even a few years.  People who work in fast changing fields are obviously more affected.

FH and I won't be having kids for at least 5 years after we get married (gotta pay off those law school loans first!), but after we have kids I'd like to at least shift down to part time.  Right now I make significantly more than FH, so we've also talked about him staying at home instead of me.  Who knows what will actually happen when we get there though!

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 2:12 PM Go to message in response to: MrsM2009

I have to say that I like working too ... it keeps me busy.  While I wouldn't mind having 3 days off or something like that - just not working at all would make me go crazy. I would enjoy working part time when FH and I have kids and doing income taxes on the side at home to make some extra cash, but I always have to be doing something.

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: Moderator

The only thing I don't like about this is calling it a "mistake."  Yes, it is absolutely something that women should think about long and hard before quitting their job, for all the "what if's" in life, she needs to make sure she will be financially stable if something happened to her husband or between the two of them.

But if it is the right situation for her, then it's her choice, not a mistake.

I do work and plan to work very hard, and we are married. Once we have kids, I have the kind of job where I can work from home on a part-time basis. That will be my choice, I hope no one thinks of it as a mistake.

I do agree though that women have to think very hard about that decision, especially in this economy and with all the uncertainties in life.  But if a woman chooses to stay home and it really does work in her situation? I wouldn't call it a "mistake"

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: Beachwed

Agreed, Beachwed. Yes, on one level you might be hurting yourself in the job market by staying home, but on the other hand, if you're willing and able to stay home with your kids, in most cases it's only going to be good for you and your family.

On the other hand, if you want to have kids and it's going to make you stir-crazy staying home with them, that's not healthy either. The kids should have a happy mom, and if working makes you happy and you can still handle the responsibilities of parenting, go for it.

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Ok, so I read the interview, and here's what the main points seem to be:

Women sometimes view marriage as an escape hatch from the work-world, even before they have children.  This is bad for women because they become completely financially dependent on their husbands, which is a real problem if they get divorced or their husbands get sick, injured, or die.  Women have an obligation to be able to financially support themselves and their children immediately if the need ever arises.

Even taking a few years off of work when your children are young is a total disaster for a woman's career.  Most never find a full time job with benefits again.

Sociologists studying the benefits of having a stay-at-home mother have concluded that it basically makes no difference on the child's well being.  Factors like poverty and parental emotional availability are more important.  So, not working can actually be worse for the child if it puts the family in financial jeopardy by foreclosing the woman from future career opportunities.

There are fundamental things wrong with the workforce that make women want to get out, and when they choose to get out these things never change.  The real solution is to be a "change agent" and push to make the workforce a better place for working mothers.  When the wife works the husband is also more likely to be a "change agent."

Increasingly, men want someone to share financial and home responsibilities more than they want a housewife who completely takes care of the home, even for a few years.  A lot of women lose financial power in their marriage when they don't work and feel like they have to approve all spending through their husbands.  Even if the FAMILY is financially secure, the woman is still powerless because she has no financial autonomy.

 

 

 

I thought a lot of this was super interesting!! A lot of it seems like it's broad generalizations that would totally depend on the circumstances.  I know a friend of my mothers who didn't work and was totally financially dependent on her husband, and was left with virtually nothing when they divorced.  Oh the other hand, FH's mom doesn't work, and I've never sensed that this was any problem in their family.  I'm sure a lot more factors in than is mentioned here too - the cost of childcare, how much each parent is earning, whether the woman actually enjoys working.  There are also other ways for a woman to be protected financially from divorce or illness if she choses not to work - pre and antenuptial agreements, life insurance, disability insurance, etc.   I think it's a little odd to boil such a personal decision down to such broad generalizations.

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Retired Posts : 808 Registered: 4/17/06
Re: The Marriage Mistake You Don’t Want To Make
Posted: Sep 15, 2008 6:38 PM Go to message in response to: Moderator

Siding with a previous poster that I don't like it being called a mistake, regardless of what it's referring to.

Some women want to give up their jobs and be housewives. Since when was that so bad? I WISH my husband was the mainbreadwinner and that I could quit working and just be a housewife. I hate working 75 hours a week and going to school 20 hours. It's exhausting.

Also, I don't see that it ruins marketability. My mom was out of the workforce for ten years when I was little. Then she hopped right back in with a better job than she had ever had and you would never have known she'd been unemployed.

If you want to be a housewife and your husband makes the means to let you be one, go for it. I only wish I was that lucky.


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