Please Help me straighten up?

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Necolei Posts : 207 Registered: 7/31/06
Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 12:47 PM

Hello ladies I know and completely understand that I am going to get a lot of shit for this, but I will go ahead and ask anyways.

I have been with my FH for about 3 yrs now, and I love him more than anything. He is the romantic type when he tries or I bug him. He is a family man and our families get along great. I love his mother dearly and I don't want to do anything to ruin that. I also have a 4 year old child from a past relation and he takes care of her like his own. She even calls him daddy cause he is the only man she has ever really known. I love him for that, and I could not ask for anything more. However I work at a bank, and I have this customer that comes to me 3-4 days a week and refuses to go to anyone else. He always hits me up. He knows I have a fiance and am planning my wedding. He also knows that I have a child, but that don't stop him. He asks me out and asks me for my number, and gives me his all the time. This has been going on for 3 months now. Honestly if this guy was ugly or really not my type I could keep saying no over and over and not feel much of anything. However this guy is really really attractive and through out the last 3 months I have found out that we have a lot in common. Honestly it does not sound like he will stop without me saying yes to him.

So what I am trying to ask is how do I get him to stop? I know that if he continues I may give into the temptation. I don't want to do that I think, but would breakfast or lunch really hurt? I know thats a stupid question because I know I would feel guilty, but I don't know what to do?


SmileDon't settle for what you can live with,

Settle for what you can't live withoutLaughing

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

Next time he hits on you, be firm. I don't know you, but if a guy won't take a hint, it's for a reason (usually) and you haven't put your foot down convincingly. You may be unintentionally leading him on if you like the attention.

Put your foot down. Now. Be firm, just tell him "I have a fiance, I have a daughter, I am not interested. The other people who work here would be happy to help you from here on out."

Mean? Sure. but either he's not getting the hint or you're being wishy-washy in your responses to him. And yes, breakfast or lunch with him would not be good, if you say you'd feel guilty then you answered your own question.  

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

I know this from past experience that nothing good will come out of you going to lunch with him... no matter how innocent you think it is. You know his intentions already. I wouldn't do it unless you want to loose your FH... it is your life though, do whatever you think is right for you. Good luck.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

Would breakfast or lunch really hurt?

YES!!! You stated yourself that if he keeps asking you out, you will give in to temptation. So having lunch with this man is ASKING for temptation, and you will end up cheating on your fiance; or at the very least, involving yourself with this man on an emotional level. While its normal to be flattered by a strangers flirting with you - its NOT normal or healthy to lead them on, which it sounds as if you are doing. Sure, you may be saying no, but it doesnt sound like youre saying it all that convincingly. If he keeps coming back and asking - he is either really dumb, doesnt respect your feelings, or hes controlling. None of those are good things. Stop this from going any further right now. If he comes in again which he will - make sure another teller deals with him. Insist on it. Go on a break. Talk to a manager and tell them the situation - that this man is hitting on you and you are getting married and would like to not have to be his teller anymore. Stop putting yourself in the situation over and over. This is bad news.

Now - as to WHY you are so tempted by this virtual stranger is another story. Your FH could be the most wonderful man in the world but do you love him? It sounds like there are issues within your relationship. Work them out IN the relationship, not by giving in to someone outside of it. You know the answer here.


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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

YES breakfast or lunch would hurt.  Think about how you would feel if your FH went out to breakfast or lunch with a hot girl that was hitting on him!  You'd be pissed!  So would he if you did the same. 

I had a similar situation a few years ago.  I worked at a hotel from 3pm-11pm.  We had this construction crew that would come every week and stay with us.  One of the guys was mildly attractive and would always come into the lobby at night to 'talk' to me and hit on me.  I kept saying that I had a boyfriend (we weren't engaged yet), every time the guy came in.  He always said, it doesn't matter, I don't care, I like you because you're faithful...blah, blah, blah.  It got so bad that he would come in and try to hug or kiss me.  I even started wearing a ring on my left finger to get him to leave me alone, it didn't work.  It got so bad that he started asking me to come to his room and make out with him.  I very firmly refused, all the time.  I also started having the night auditor watch me walk out to my car when he stayed there because I didn't want anything to happen.  You have to be firm. 

If you don't think you have the resolve, let your manager or a co-worker in on the situation.  That way when you do see him come into the bank, you can 'go on break' or have another task that you have to complete right away.  If you are having a temptation that you cannot resist, you really need to re-evaluate your relationship though.  Just because you think this guy is hot and you have a lot in common doesn't mean you should throw away your relationship with your FH.


 

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

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Necolei Posts : 207 Registered: 7/31/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:01 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

Ok Thank you so much ladies. I think I just need the moral support. I obviously know the right answer my brain is just telling me different than my heart. I am still very young so I think I am just uncertain if I want to be tied down, However I know it would be the biggest mistake of my life if I ended thing or even took a break from each other.

SmileDon't settle for what you can live with,

Settle for what you can't live withoutLaughing

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:04 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Yeah, kelly put it really well.  You simply have to be firm, and then never speak with him again for any reason.  If he really won't deal with anyone but you then he'll need to find a new bank.  Tell your manager, tell your coworkers, tell your FIANCE (cut that guilt out right in the beginning!)

I think you know it's wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be asking. 


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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

insteresting question:

First of all, prepare yourself, you are right, I hope you don't get too much shit for this post. Few key things ;

(1) why are you are thinking of "someone else".

(2) what difference should it make if he's "cute or ugly"

(3) If FH is so wonderful to your daughter, why risk it

(4) If you "love" him so much why would you even THINK of possibly going out to ANYTHING with him.

I know for fact, if you spoke to your manager and explained your situation, they will do something about it.  It's really upto you to put a stop to it. You just have to want to. 

Have you even talked this over with FH? (most likely not) Are you sure you are even ready to commit?

I made a big mistake and someone turned my head and caught my attention, last year, the feeling of "someone else wants you" is a rush.  I went as far as giving him my number and spoke to him once, and then I got a text at 3 am asking to meet up, guess who read that text, FH! I was so ashamed and felt like I betrayed him (and in away I did). I told him what had happend. I was very lucky it didn't ruin our relationship. And the next month is when he proposed to me. I tell you sweetie, it's NOT WORTH IT.

Just tell yourself, "I HAVE A GOOD MAN" then ask yourself "do I REALLY want to risk loosing him"

don't do it.

 

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

I am still very young so I think I am just uncertain if I want to be tied down, However I know it would be the biggest mistake of my life if I ended thing or even took a break from each other.

The above statement speaks volumes about WHY you would be so tempted by an attractive man hitting on you. I think this bank guy sounds like bad news for the reasons I stated above (he doesnt take no for an answer and thats NOT a good sign so even if you were single Id say stay away from him, hes trouble). But it also sounds as if you just maybe ARENT READY for marriage. You said youve been engaged for 3 years? That sounds like a long time to me. Not necessarily a red flag, but combined with this story it could be. You know - there is NOTHING wrong with not knowing what you want right now. Sometimes a person is wonderful - good with your child, a great person, but maybe you arent in love. Or maybe you just arent ready. If your FH is as great as you say, he should understand that you are young and dont want to rush into anything or make any mistakes. Why not talk to him about slowing things down a bit? Figuring out what it is you want. Thats so important.

Edit: I just re-read that youve been WITH your FH for 3 years, not engaged for 3 years. Sorry. But everything I said above still applies. Talk to him and slow down. Who says you have to get married right now? If youre having these temptations, youre just not ready to settle down. Follow your gut.


Check out the Wedding Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com

Time for Biggest Loser 7 where TEAM KEL -LIZZA will remain Champions of Weightloss!

"When you're born, you get a free ticket to the Freak Show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." - R.I.P. George Carlin

 

 

 

 


Message was edited by: kelleyiskelley

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

The next time this happens, tell him "no" in no uncertain terms.   Also, talk to your manager about this.   Even though he is a customer, the company has a responsibility to provide an environment where you are not being sexually harassed (you've said no, he's not stopped), even by customers.  


Misty

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

test

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Necolei Posts : 207 Registered: 7/31/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Again you are all so right and I know it I just need to knock it off. My biggest fear is, if I'm having this big of a problem with this guy. How the heck am I going to do it for the rest of my life. I know I don't want to lose the man I'm with now. We are really perfect for each other I just need to wake up and realize it again.

SmileDon't settle for what you can live with,

Settle for what you can't live withoutLaughing

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Necolei Posts : 207 Registered: 7/31/06
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

Oh and as far as me talkin to my FH about this I have. I told him that he has been bugging me for a few months and that it's making me think about having cold feet. So he has been helping me out, Also I have talked to management and he is no longer aloud to come to my window for his services, but he still comes over to me after he has been helped, and tries to chat me up, so we are tring to come up with something else I can do without leaving us short people. However he always comes during our lunch rotations and I can't leave the teller area because than that would only leave 2 of us up here and we have to have 3 at all times. Absolutely no ands ifs or buts.

SmileDon't settle for what you can live with,

Settle for what you can't live withoutLaughing

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

DAM, that really sucks. Don't know what else you can do then.  Maybe when he comes upto you again, you can signal managment to come over and tell him "sorry to inturpt Sir,  but may I help you?" this way you can move off to the side. It is a BANK right? maybe security can do it if managment can't.

Just a thought.


 

 

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Please Help me straighten up?
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 5:19 PM Go to message in response to: Necolei

I think you need to do what's best for your kid.  It's fine to be young and not sure, but when you have a kid, you're responsible for his future too.  So I would think long and hard, and figure out where I wanna be in 5 years, and start acting to reach that goal.

Good luck.


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