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Dirty Secret

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awaywego Posts : 66 Registered: 6/22/07
Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 20, 2008 5:18 PM

I come to you ladies I guess knowing we are all a bit of strangers or maybe I won't be judged the way I think I will be when this all comes out.

I've been married two months now and knowing something that occasionaly bothers me.  Some days worse than others. 

1 month before we got married we had to drive across state borders to get our marriage license.  My then FH came home from work at lunch and we were getting ready to head out.  He asked me to sit down, that he had to talk to me about something.  Not thinking anything could be wrong but he suddenly got very emotional and thats where i started mentally freaking out . 

I'm sure you are all thinking a billion things as was I.  What could be happening, the wedding is off? cheating? gay? 

He then told me that for the nearly 6 years we were together he had lied to me about his age.  He was 5 years older than he told me.  Yeah, weird!  (i know what alot of you are thinking)

He had lost his i.d. at some point when we first started dating, got another one, kept it in his wallet (I never looked at it as weird as it is to say)  never saw his birth cert. or anything with age.  I guess it never dawned on me to have to look at it. 

 He basically was coming clean BECAUSE we were on our way to sign forms that required id's and birth cert's.   That fact botherd  me alot.

So.. his parents knew about it as well as several of his friends and spouses (here's where I get ticked off)-  I threw him a 30th b-day party in which his friends attended and knew if wasn't his 30th. 

I felt so betrayed.  Thats the best descriptive word i can use without going on and on.  I felt like what else could he have hide from me or lied about..  I was stuck in the 'is this really happening to me a month before i marry him?' He told me that he was afraid I wouldn't date him still if I knew he was older than I thought and that even if i walked out on him right there that the last 6 years together were worth the lie. He sat there saying how horrible he feels, how he started getting panic attacks on knowing how long this snowballed for.  I told him good!

As i said before we have been married 2 months now so i still went through with everything.  I love this man for who he is, not an age, BUT i'm still having trouble understand and accept how he did this to me for 6 years. 

I have only told my bestfriend and her husband (well actually I made him tell them too)  They were shocked at first and were able to see both sides of it.  They were more pissed at his family and friends for playing along with it ( BTW they have all deeply apologized to me in person for it was not there place to tell me and were always on his back to tell me)

I told him we will wait for after the wedding to tell my family and other friends (oh, he will be telling them all in person as well.. nervous or not)

 I don't want people to judge our relationship, especially so early in a marriage.  

I know that he could have been ALOT worse.  He could have cheated on me or was a closet case but i see it 50/50.  Doesn't matter what he lied about but that he lied.   It also bothers me that our life plan kinda got bumped up 5 years.  We wanted to wait on kids for awhile, but he's not getting any younger and i'm afraid he'll want them sooner than talked about.  It threw my life for a loop too. 

I guess i babbled enough.. thanks for the ear ladies!

cape_cod_islands , june_2008
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Iheartweddings Posts : 645 Registered: 7/23/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 20, 2008 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: awaywego

WOW, I don't know how I would have reacted if my DH dropped that kind of a bomb. I understand that age doesn't define someone, but the fact that he lied to you for 6 years is a huge problem. You seem to be thinking about this in a mature and rational way, which is great. I just hope he isn't lying about anything else. 

If I were you at this point, I would make it known that he is going to have to work his BUTT off to earn back your trust. Because lying to your spouse for 6 years is NOT okay, whether it's a small lie or a big lie. 


SmileSee our wedding slideshow at: http://www.josephmark.com/RyanandJennifer/

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OrthoRN Posts : 326 Registered: 11/24/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 20, 2008 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: awaywego

OMG - I think I would be happy - obviously he must look the 5 years younger! Yes - circumstances could be worse - so let it go & consider it a good snicker.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 20, 2008 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: OrthoRN

I kind of see how it could have become this big a problem.  If he lied when he met you... then never saw a reason to bring it up again or find an opportunity to be like "Surprise! I'm actually 34!" you know.. that kind of stuff.  It was terrible of him to do it, and these aren't excuses... but I guess I can see how the snowball effect can creep up on you.  

 Make him work for your trust again so he knows this isn't acceptable.  But in the long run, what's 5 years?


wedding ticker

 

 www.chrisandsarah2008.net

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CyclistLover Posts : 1,184 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 11:00 AM Go to message in response to: awaywego

Personally I think you should let it go - yes it sucks that he lied about his age BUT if that's the worse thing that ever happens in your marriage then you are in for a wonderful life!!

If it bothers you that much than I have one word - counseling.

Good luck!


Happiness is a puppy greeting you at the door!

I hope you don't get hit by a city bus Cool

 

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Iheartweddings Posts : 645 Registered: 7/23/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: CyclistLover

So has he admitted that lying like that was a really big deal? I agree that if you can't get over this, you should see a counselor and talk about trust. 

SmileSee our wedding slideshow at: http://www.josephmark.com/RyanandJennifer/

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nanette927 Posts : 1,749 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 21, 2008 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: awaywego

WOW, I agree you married him anway that says alot. But obevously it "still" bothers you. Is it because you haven't told your family? Which really sucks. But then when you threw him that Bithday party! GEZZZ I'd have felt like an idiot! That's what would have pissed me off the most, one thing for him not telling me. BUT for everyone else knowing but me.grrrr.

Anyway, I guess counceling is the best here. I agree with "not worth divorcing". Unless there is more that has been "untold"



          

                                     

 

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 22, 2008 12:59 AM Go to message in response to: awaywego

Wow, I can totally see why you would be upset- I would be, too.  It's not the age, of course, it's the lying that went along with it- for 6 years!!!  And when you threw him a 30th birthday party and he was actually 35?  Humiliating!  I am so, so sorry he did this to you. 

I am, however, glad you got married.  It was a rotten thing, a stupid thing, and, quite frankly, a bizarre thing but he is still the same person.  I'm trying to see this from his point of view where he originally didn't want to let you know how much older he was... then you two hit it off... then he fell in love... then he knew you were "the one"... when was a good time to tell you this, really?  (IMO, before the "30th" b-day party but that's just me!)

Yep, counseling is in order, if only to help you deal with the fallout when you tell your family and friends.  I know if I had to sit next to my EH while he tells my family and friends this I would be horrified.  Perhaps a counselor can help you deal.  I really hope they can.

And if it makes you feel any better I have been married for almost 2 years now and have been with him since 1/4/05 and I have never looked at his license or birth certificate or anything like that, it honestly never even occurred to me.  How weird is that???  I guess I always figured that guys who would hide something big wouldn't introduce you to their friends and family like mine did... which obviously didn't happen in your case.  I truly am sorry, I hope when the truth comes out to everyone you know it isn't more painful than necessary, and I really, really hope that you and your EH can work it out between the two of you and that you can move past this and trust him implicitly like a wife ought to be able to do.

I truly wish you all the best and hope you come back to let us know how you are doing.

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mrspinky Posts : 3,781 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 22, 2008 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: awaywego

Wow I'm big on NOT keeping secrets and being totally honest about any and everything so I can see how BIG this is to you. I'd suggest counseling as well b/c I can just see myself saying something at the wrong time about it like in an argument or something or holding my feelings in til they come out at the wrong time. I could never imagine keeping something so IMPORTANT from my hubby! GL!

Mrs. Pinky

 




Our Wedding Website

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 22, 2008 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: awaywego

Well, look at it this way:  If this is the worst thing to come between the two of you, you'll still in a pretty happy relationship.

Sucks, but you just have to trust your instincts that he's a good person.  After all, you married him!  He can't be all bad :)


__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Fitzer Posts : 643 Registered: 8/7/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 22, 2008 12:24 PM Go to message in response to: awaywego

Ouch, this would leave me confused too.  Like even you say, you know it's not the number that is making you angry, it's the long-term secret he kept about it.  I'm not sure I think you two need counseling - thing is, you already know the root of the issue, which is trust.  And, you already know it's not a dealbreaker.  So as I see it, 2 of 3 parts to moving on are taken care of.  You know the WHAT and you know you want to move on, now it seems the question is, HOW can you go about doing it.

I think the most important thing, at least to me, would just be to give it time.  You need to go through your emotions toward it, and he needs to work on gaining back your trust.  Also though, you just need time to readjust your view of your relationship.  How much older is he than you (assuming he is)?  Because I think it's one thing to think your DH is 1 year older and then have that turn out to be 6 years, but a whole 'nother thing to think he's 5 years older and then have that turn out to be 10 years.

And with the kids thing, honestly, I think you're using it as something specific to be upset about.  And I don't mean this to accuse you. It's hard to deal with feelings over abstract ideas like trust, but this is something very specific.  The fact is, regardless of age, you two will be ready when you're ready.  I've found that with married people I know, it all manages to even out, whether they're the same age, or years apart. 

 


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kroberts Posts : 445 Registered: 7/30/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Aug 22, 2008 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: Fitzer

That is weird, and understandable why you're upset. There are, in my mind anyways, "milestones" that people reach when they're a certain age, then to find out your spouse is 5 years ahead...

At one point, I assume early on, he lied to you about his age. Why did he do it in the first place? I'm sure he had plenty of chances to come clean. Didn't you ever eat in a Chinese restaurant and figure out if you're the year of the Dog, and he's the year of this Tiger if you're compatable? Why not come clean then, as in, "I know you think I'm really the Tiger, but I'm really the whatever."


April 4, 2009 is the BIG day!

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awaywego Posts : 66 Registered: 6/22/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Sep 19, 2008 10:05 AM Go to message in response to: kroberts

Hey all... I appreciate everything you have all said to me in support to this.  Here's some updating and a couple answers to your questions.. 

to start- We have told the rest of my family ( the immediate part- mom, dad, brother and a few very close friends of ours that didn't know)  oh and of course all you ladies!!  =)

Everyone has taken it o.k.  There's confusion and lots of questions being asked, but overall they are glad that he has finally told the truth.  Upset (mom especially) that he did lie for so long but in the end even my own mother has lied about her age while dating and I brought that to her attention in which she backed down from being so upset at him.  I know it happens alot out there...

Yes, he's had millions of chances to tell me but just never could.  kroberts had said it best when she metioned the 'milestones'. in ones life, although he may not have cared about it  but I did when he supposedly turned 30 which in fact he was turning 35. 

Someone asked how old he was in comparison to me.. when we met I was just 22 and he said he was 25.  That year he did turn 30.  instead of 4 year difference we are about 9. (and for now being a 36 year old, he still looks like he's in his late 20's)   

I don't think we need to go to therapy over this as I have delt with it, in my mind very well.  I have accepted the fact he is older (age doesn't bother me at all) and I know for sometime I may have a small problem with trust but it is expected after any relationship problem.

Smile

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MrsMcCain Posts : 581 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Sep 19, 2008 10:25 AM Go to message in response to: awaywego

This is a very weird situation... I can see how it completely threw you in a loop. I just wonder why someone would lie about that, it seems so silly... and for as long as he did. I know people say that it could be worse...but to keep this inside for 6 years is a pretty big deal. If you haven't already have a serious talk with him about trust and how things like this ruin trusts between a marriage. I also can't believe his friends and family knew about this...again, I think that it is just WEIRD. I hope everything works out for you...but I wouldn't take his lying so lightly.

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LinzZ Posts : 684 Registered: 12/13/07
Re: Dirty Secret
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 9:24 PM Go to message in response to: awaywego

I think you need to have a talk with his friends and family about why they didn't say something to you or a least make him say something. Now you know that whatever lie he tells you, even if his family knows different and thinks it's wrong, they'll cover for him. That's a scary thought to me.

Yesterday is History. Tomorrow is a Mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the Present.

lin and nate

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