I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!

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Jeanne123 Posts : 5 Registered: 8/5/08
I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 7:00 PM

Hey ladies!  I'm new to this forum.  Need some help, encouragement, opinions...

My boyfriend went to my parents this past Friday to ask for their blessing because he would like to propose to me. My parents told him that they want us to wait before getting engaged. I was shocked when I heard this. Their stated reasons: 1. They feel like they don't know my boyfriend and his family well enough and therefore they do not feel ready to give a blessing  2.  I am about to start a new high profile job this fall and they want to see me and my boyfriend adjust to the change first.  Hidden reasons that might be an influence, which my parents won't admit:  My family is Korean, and my boyfriend is not.  My boyfriend's parents are divorced, and my parents are uncomfortable with that. Overall, they think he is not good enough for me. Not sure why, and they have never been able to articulate more on that.

But really, I'm 28 and he is 31. Do we really need to wait for a blessing?  I mean, they didn't say no, but they certainly did not say yes.  Although my father did say that he understands we are adults, and can marry whenever we wanted, but that if we chose to not wait for a blessing, my parents would not support us.  It is important to my boyfriend that he be accepted into the family.

My boyfriend and I both have incredible careers and we can finance our own wedding, but it would break my heart to not have my parent's moral support.  Yet, this whole thing about being told when to do something, really irks me.  I understand that marriage is a marriage between two families, but it bothers me that my parents would pass judgement on my boyfriend and his family because of a divorce. It also bothers me that they think he is not good enough for me even though we hold the same degrees, work in the same field, make similar incomes, are of the same faith, etc. Other difficult factors: I only live 5 minutes away from my parents. New job required me to move back to my hometown.

Please help! 

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

I say go ahead with the engagement, but have a long one. It can be hard on parents of any age for children to get married. My parents were not thrilled that my FH and his father are estranged (parents have been divorced for 20 years) and kept pestering us to invite him to the wedding or at least "try to work things out" between them (which is NOT going to happen). People have their reasons for prejudice -and it is- and we have to accept that. People can change their minds and education (i.e. getting them used to it) helps so much. You parents may never accept that your FILs are no longer married, but that does not mean that they will never accept your man for that reason. 

As for the culture thing, I have seen this before with other couples that are not even engaged. Parents have their "requirements" for a son or daughter in law, but it is up to you who you marry. They seem to get that, but if you really want them to accept him, give them plenty of ways to get to know him (dinner at their house, golfing with dad, bring him to functions, etc.)

It sucks when parents do not want you to get married (I was there). FH and I stuck it out and it got better. We have had a long engagement (since Feb 06) and that has really helped.

I know that you may get advice on here to just do it and screw what they think, but if it really means that much to you, don't just write off the parents.  


 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 7:28 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

Welcome to the boards. Only you can determine if you need the blessing or not. If I was in this situation I think would try and figure out if the reasons they gave are the real reasons or if the hidden reasons are the reason, because the hidden reasons will never change. Your boyfriend will never be Korean and his parents will always be divorced. If you can, I would have a family get together with your boyfriend, his family and your family and see if their attitudes change at all. From there you can decide what to do. Not all weddings have blessings, thats for sure, for a variety of reasons. I also like Knoxvegas suggestion of having a longer engagement. Good luck!

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

i would give it a few weeks.  let them think about it and ease into the idea.  maybe they were shocked.  talk to them again afterwards and explain that you are moving ahead and would love their blessing but that you are committed to the plans.

 

you obviously care for them very much and i am hoping they didn't mean to hurt you.

 

congrats on the progress of your relationship and wishing you the best moving forward.. 



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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 8:58 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

You didn't mention how long you've been together. I wonder if that could play some part as well?

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Jeanne123 Posts : 5 Registered: 8/5/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 9:19 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Thank you to everybody for the advice and encouragement!  So much to think about...

My boyfriend and I have worked together as colleagues and friends for more than four years, and we have been dating for a year and 5 months. 

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 9:32 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

May I ask a little about your relationship with your parents? Mostly...are you their "baby girl"? One of my friend's father had a really, really rough time with her engagement because in his mind, she was still about 6 years old and playing princess dress-up. It took him about 3 or so months, but once he figured out that she would still be his baby, he grew into it. (Hence, I agree on the longer engagement)

I think a helpful but hard thing for you guys to do is to try to introduce them to each other some more. Maybe if your parents spend more time around him, they'll figure out why he's great for you (even if he's not their original vision of the perfect man for you). 

Good luck! 

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kroberts Posts : 443 Registered: 7/30/07
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 10:09 AM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

You're parents are contradicting...they don't know him well enough to give their blessing, but they don't think he's good enough for you.

I agree with Knox. Have a long(ish) engagement. I also think inviting your parents to a family dinner is a good thing. Make it a routine - Sunday is when the family gathers for dinner. They get to interact with your FH more often, and maybe they'll see he's a good guy.

 


April 4, 2009 is the BIG day!

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Necolei Posts : 207 Registered: 7/31/06
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

With how long you two have been together this is what I would do. I would have a chat with your parents and see exactly how they feel. If you feel their reasoning are good enough than wait. If you disagree with what they are asking of you than let them know you are going to go ahead with the engagment, However don't set a date, and let your parents know that you are going to go ahead with the engagment, but your going to have a long engagment. Hopefully throughout the engagment your family and your FH can come to an understanding with each other so that way you get there blessing it may just take time.

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

I'm not of Asian decent myself, but I have many Asian friends, including Korean, and I've seen this kind of problem before.

Personally, what I would do is give them a timetable.  Tell them you've listened to what they said, and you have decided to get engaged in 3 months, giving you both time to get adjusted to your new jobs.  At the end fo that three month period, he can ask them again.  If they again withhold their blessing, get engaged anyway and start planning. 

I think the key is to compromise -- demonstrate through your actions that 1) their opinion means a lot to you and you are willing to concede something but 2) you will not wait forever.  You are an adult and will make your own decisions.

Ultimately, if you are correct about their reasoning, the only thing that will change anything is time.  What you have to ask yourself is how much of that you are willing to give to them.  Afterall, you can't wait forever -- and it's unfair for them to ask you to.


__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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westernf350 Posts : 5 Registered: 8/18/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I agree, you can only wait so long.  My fiance and I have been together for 3 yrs and engaged for 2.  When we told his mother that we had finally set a date she wanted to know why we were "rushing" into the marriage. 

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: westernf350

man, all these people are so responsible. lol I hate being told what to do.  I have a particularly tough time from authority figures. (as a kid, i was so responsible with school and whatnot, my parents never really had to tell me to do much of anything like go to bed or study or any of that stuff. lol) 

So anyways, my first reaction was to fly to the bahamas and do a Weddingmoon. lol But sigh everyone else's idea is probably more realistic and won't cause tension afterwards.  Darn responsibility! :)

Besides, a long engagement will probably be fun. :) You'll get to save up for the wedding details you want, if that's necessary, and maybe once you're discussing details your mom will get in to it. :) 


wedding ticker

 

 www.chrisandsarah2008.net

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I agree totally with NALA.

 

 

 

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miamibride08 Posts : 57 Registered: 8/18/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 7:04 PM Go to message in response to: Jeanne123

i say go ahead and do your thing. dont worry. im sure you want them to be ok with it but you're 28 and they need to realize you're old enough to make wise decisions. you're not a little kid anymore and its time you show them that. as the plans come along the idea will grow on them. tell your FH to spend some time with them and let them get to know him. its not that they think he's not ood enough for you, its that they dont want to let you go. hope it helps!!! =) 

Money mouthThe Only Thing Stopping You is Your State of Mind...Money mouth

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Jeanne123 Posts : 5 Registered: 8/5/08
Re: I'm 28 and my parents want me to wait?!?!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Nala, I am completely the same way.  Was always super responsible and proactive about my education and career, and my parents are still trying to make decisions for me!  Argh!!!!

Boyfriend and I plan on having a destination and we seriously considered the weddingmoon and Las Vegas even before all this happened this past weekend. :)

 

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