I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07
I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 24, 2008 5:53 PM

My FH and I have been talking about getting married a lot lately. So much so that we have already picked our tentative date(if we can find a place) and started creating a starter guest list. we consider ourselves to be engaged and have started looking around on here(love this site since i was a bm last year i was on here all the time for tips) well the problem come in is when I talk to my mom about it my mom says well honey dont make any real plans cause there is no rock on your finger. my mother isnt the most sensitive person but she should understand our situation we have been together almost four years we have a daughter, we have our own place for almost the last three. this isnt just some fly by night thing. The only reason I dont have a ring and that our  wedding is 2 years away is because of financial things, we are both full time college students and raising our daughter money is tight. ugghh she upsets me sometimes.

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Ashleyanne2010 Posts : 447 Registered: 5/3/08
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 24, 2008 6:17 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Maybe she's just having trouble understanding how you can plan for a wedding without what she considers to be a proper proposal. My aunts were the same way before I got engaged... Whenever stuff about the future came up they would warn me not to get ahead of myself but as soon as I had a ring on my finger they wanted to discuss every detail.  Maybe just a sit down with her explaining where you and your FH stand and then giving her some time to come around...

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 24, 2008 7:27 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

I have a simple solution that's absolutely free. Have your FH do a "formal" proposal with her present. That should end the argument, ring or not.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 24, 2008 7:37 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Here's my two cents, I have never understood this whole thing about a ring meaning you are engaged.   If you have discussed it and have agreed on getting married in my  book you are engaged.  I piece of jewelry is just that a piece of jewelry.  I know people who have gotten rings and never got a husband and I know people who have gotten husbands and no rock.   For my money a husband trumps a rock every time. 

Explain to your mother that you two are getting married you have made that commitment to each other and you may or may not get a rock but the important thing to you is that you will have a husband in two years and thats what matters.


Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

 

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Brookitacita Posts : 59 Registered: 12/4/06
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 5:53 AM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Well, I understand where you and your mother are both coming from. It sounds like marriage is definitely in your future, and you two have agreed to make that commitment. However, there is something to be said about a formal proposal. Even if he doesn't have enough money to buy you a ring, he could still get down on one knee and ask you properly (if you're into that sort of thing). I don't think this is absolutely necessary, but I think it would make a world of difference to you and your mom. You shouldn't be deprived of that wonderful moment when when he asks you, beyond a doubt, to be his wife. It's really quite exciting for you, and then you can call everyone you know and tell them! I think your mom would be thrilled, and honestly you would be too. My fiance and I had our wedding date set before we were formally engaged as well, but his proposal was one of the greatest moments of my life. I really hope you get to experience that, and your family will definitely be more understanding afterwards.

If that doesn't happen though, then you just need to have a lot of long conversations with your mom explaining your situation until she finally listens. This can be extremely difficult -- we all know that if a mother expects something nothing else will satisfy her. So ultimately don't let it bother you. You know you are getting married, and you have every right to plan your wedding, with or without her help. My mother didn't approve of my FH at first -- due to a large age difference. I was not on the best terms with her at this time, but I showed her my ring a couple days after he proposed and what do you suppose her reaction was? "You're not engaged. That isn't real. Uh-uh." And she repeated that a couple of times, shaking her head and left. She was in denial! That really makes a person feel good... Luckily, a year and a half later, she adores FH and is fully supportive. Do we remember her initial cruelty and lack of compassion? Yes. But we've forgiven her. So at least be thankful that when he does formally propose, your mother will be excited for you! Good luck!  

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 8:07 AM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

a proposal with a ring has become so common i can understand why she expects it.  but really it seems that she is not wanting to accept the idea of the future marriage and she is using the lack of ring to deny the inevitable.  you need to have a serious conversation and tell her that you are committed as a couple and then leave it at that.  you don't have to convince her.  it is what it is and you don't really need to have her approval.  stand strong. enjoy the blessings in your life and know that you deserve to be happy.  this is your path to walk make it beautiful!  if anyone gets in your way don't stop....keep going!

 

*hugs* 



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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

I tried to explain my ring is coming he just needs to save for it. So eventually I will have a ring just maybe not for a couple more months, but if we wait til then to start planning it will be harder.

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SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 5:25 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Engaged means "agreed to be married." It does not mean "bought a particular piece of jewelry that the people selling the jewelry tell you that you need." 

The "you're not engaged without a ring" attitude INFURIATES me. Maybe because I faced a lot of it. I didn't get my ring until a couple months before my wedding (long story) and I regularly encountered people who seemed to think I wasn't really engaged. Hmm, I mailed out more that 100 wedding invitations, I'm pretty sure I'm engaged.

There's nothing you can do with people like that. I just consoled myself by thinking that I was glad my priorities weren't out of whack. 

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nmtgirl Posts : 142 Registered: 2/12/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Honey, if it makes you feel any better, I have a rock on my finger, a date with the church, families have been notified, etc. and my mom still does not consider me engaged because the wedding is 2 years away because we are still finishing up school and not fully supporting ourselves yet. Don't get me wrong - we both have jobs and I own my own 2007 car, fully paid off (Toyota Camry) but our parents are helping with insurance healthwise for both and carwise for me so they consider themselves fully supporting us. So she gets royally pissed every time I even try to talk to her about an idea I have about the wedding or anything.

Ashley and Paul - June 19, 2010

www.mywedding.com/reidmontgomery



 

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UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 9:41 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

Just remember that some women actually do get that ring on her finger and sometimes don't make it to the altar.

If you and FH have talked and agreed to get married, you are engaged, whether there is a ring involved or not. In some cultures, women don't even wear rings to signify engagement or marriage.


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ellieanne Posts : 16 Registered: 5/5/08
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 25, 2008 10:46 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

My mother does not consider me to be engaged without a ring on my finger either.  And in her mind, not only do I need the ring, but I need a diamond ring.  Which will be a problem, because, FH and I have discussed it.  I do not and will not wear a diamond ring.  FH proposed to me in a lovely moment over the phone one night when I was unable to get to sleep.  We were just talking, the moment was right and he asked if I would marry him.  I said yes, but had to call him the next morning to be sure he really meant what he asked.  I have considered myself engaged from that moment.  He asked, I said yes, we agreed that forever for us means together, and that we would get married as soon as we had everything ready and perfect.  I would like a ring, even a promise ring, to answer people's unasked questions, but it does not mean we are any less engaged or committed to each other because I do not have a ring.

When is my wedding

until hugs and kisses under the stairs

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 26, 2008 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

she should understand our situation we have been together almost four years we have a daughter, we have our own place for almost the last three. this isnt just some fly by night thing. The only reason I dont have a ring and that our  wedding is 2 years away is because of financial things

I agree that if you've spoken that commitment and agreed to be married, you're engaged. However, if your Mom is very traditional, then maybe your whole situation has thrown her for a loop--in other words, in her eyes, you've done everything backwards, so why should she believe that you're finally going to go straight, if you know what I mean.

Suggestions: set your date in stone, put a deposit down on a place, get hold of the clergy person who's going to marry you, and start taking steps toward the wedding. Once she sees it in action, she'll understand.

Suggestion #2: Get married. NOW. Go to the courthouse and make it legal. That does not cost a lot, and you can have your expensive party any time you want to--ring, reception, the whole she-bang, once you graduate. It's hard for her not to accept that you're engaged when, actually, you're married. And, before you say NO, think of all the legitimate reasons that you and FH would not want to do this--and all of the legitimate reasons why you should.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Habsfan1282 Posts : 146 Registered: 5/28/08
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: May 29, 2008 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

I'm engaged with a ceremony/reception site booked, a dress, and some other stuff already done and I don't have a ring.  I don't want a ring.  I don't like the idea (or look) of having two rings on one finger.  My wedding band will actually be more like an engagement ring because it has diamonds. (I already have it).  I don't want to put it on until Matthew puts it on my finger during the ceremony.  If people consider me not officially engaged that is their issue.  I couldn't care less. 

If the two of you are committed to getting married that is all that matters.  I think the more plans you make and have things like the date set and the location booked then it becomes real.  Your mother will come around.

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hisgirl14 Posts : 20 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: Jun 10, 2008 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010

like numerous other people have said engaged meaning you are planning to be married. but in today's society we ladies have to have something to "prove" that. like we need validation that we love some one and want to spend the rest of our lives with them. it's really dumb if you think about it. but like it has been said before it is also a part of tradition to have a ring on your finger and a lot of girls get looks if they start planning before they do. i know how that feels one of my best girlfriends recently told me that i need to stop planning because i dont have a ring on my finger. i figure what i am doing now will make it easier for me in the long run.

anyway sorry for the rant. i would just talk to your mom. explain to her. talk to her about any concerns that she has.

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lotusorchid Posts : 2 Registered: 2/12/08
Re: I consider myself engaged but my mother doesnt.
Posted: Jun 14, 2008 5:07 AM Go to message in response to: hisgirl14

I am waiting for my man to propose and he already has the ring. My mother keeps telling me that I shouldn't jinx myself by talking about it all the time. I have told my friends and also have been buying magazines and coming to this website all the time.

My mother is the same. She doesn't believe that I am engaged until I have the ring and he has proposed. I designed the ring with my man and he is going to surprise me with it. We have been together for 10 and 1/2 years. We have lived together for 5 of those years. It is only now that I really want to get married.

I think it is up to you and your FH what you do and when you do it and not up to your Mom. Tell her it will happen and when it does it will be the way you both want it. 

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